6 Signs You’re a Perfectionist Parent (And How It Impacts Teens)

Do you expect too much from your teenagers?

That might be a hard question to answer.

As parents, we want to see our teenagers succeed in life.

Whether that’s doing well on their exams or winning a competition, it’s natural to feel proud of their accomplishments.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting your teenagers to succeed.

You might think that expecting impeccable behavior and excellent performance will motivate your teens to do their best. But in fact, it can do the opposite – causing burnout, anxiety, and a strained relationship with your teens.

In this article, I’ll discuss some common signs that you may be a perfectionist parent. We’ll also explore the reasons behind perfectionist parenting and what impact this may have on your teenagers.

(If you’d like your teens to be more motivated, download the free e-book below.)

Why do parents want their teens to be perfect?

The desire to see your teenagers achieve success isn’t harmful. But it can become an issue if it causes you to put unnecessary pressure on your teenagers.

In the long run, this unhealthy pressure can affect your teens’ mental well-being and even strain your relationship with them.

Understanding why you’re inclined to have high expectations of your teenagers is important. This can help you keep unhealthy mindsets or beliefs in check.

The following are some possible reasons why you expect your teenagers to be “perfect” in various ways:

Reason #1: The “perfect parent” syndrome

Some research suggests that parenting styles – both bad and good – can be passed down from one generation to the next.

It’s natural for people to pick up perspectives and mindsets similar to those of their parents.

Because of this, you might want your teenagers to be “perfect” if your parents had those expectations of you.

Reason #2: Projection of unfulfilled dreams

As parents, we strive to give our teenagers the opportunities we never had.

You may have had goals that you never had the chance to pursue. These could be things like going to a prestigious college or taking up a well-respected profession.

As a result, you may project these unmet ambitions onto your teenagers and expect them to achieve the dreams you had for yourself.

Furthermore, you might feel like your teenagers should be able to accomplish these goals. This is because they now have opportunities and advantages you didn’t have when you were younger.

Reason #3: Fear of judgment by others

Research indicates that perfectionism can manifest itself in different ways.

For some, perfectionism involves having unrealistic expectations of other people. It can also be linked to the fear of negative judgments from those around you.

When these aspects of perfectionism come together, it might cause you to have high expectations of your teenagers. This is because you’re worried about how others perceive you and your family.

You may want your teens to do well in school or sports so that you’ll be respected by others.

Perhaps when they get good grades or win a contest, you feel like you’ve indirectly earned bragging rights.

Reason #4: Love and pride

The natural desire of parents is to see their teenagers accomplish great things.

Seeing them do well makes you happy and proud – and that’s perfectly okay.

Many parents put a lot of pressure on their teens to work hard to achieve certain goals.

This expectation might be harmful if it drives your teens to prioritize their grades and accomplishments above everything else.

Now that you understand why some parents want their teens to be perfect, let’s take a look at some of the signs that you might be putting too much pressure on them.

6 signs that you’re a perfectionist parent

Remember that there’s nothing wrong with having expectations of your teenagers.

They should fulfill their responsibilities in school, help out at home, and treat others with respect – these are reasonable expectations.

But where do you draw the line?

The following are possible signs that you have the unhealthy expectation of your teenagers being perfect:

Sign #1: There’s an overemphasis on academic success

Your teen’s grades and exam scores are thought of as “life-altering.”

Your teenagers barely have time for themselves, as the bulk of their schedule is dedicated to school, extra classes, and studying.

If your teens get grades below your expectations, you might get angry. You may also compare their grades to those of their peers.

This isn’t to say that you should never encourage your teens to study hard or set academic goals. But their grades should never be prioritized over their health or character development.

Sign #2: Your teen’s daily schedule is packed

Are your teenagers barely able to catch a break due to a packed schedule?

Do extracurricular activities, sports, music lessons, and school-related activities take up all their extra time?

Your teens may not have enough time to sleep, rest, or pursue their own interests. This is detrimental to them in the long run.

In fact, research clearly shows that teenagers need more rest and sleep than adults do. A lack of sleep will affect their mental well-being and make it harder for them to focus in school.

Sign #3: Your self-worth is dependent on your teen’s success

It’s natural for you to derive joy from your teen’s achievements.

But this can become unhealthy when your self-worth is tied to how your teens perform.

When they do well, you feel like you’ve succeeded as a parent. Getting to tell your friends and other family members about their achievements makes you excited.

But when your teens don’t do as well as you’d hoped, your self-esteem and confidence plummet.

Having this sort of dependence on your teenagers is unhealthy for both parties. If you have this mindset, remember that your worth and success as a parent isn’t based on your teen’s accomplishments.

Sign #4: Things have to be done your way

When your teens do something, do you micromanage them? And are you overly critical?

Perhaps you tend to focus more on the results than on the process or the progress they’ve made.

This might happen when your teenagers try to help with chores at home – or maybe when they’re learning a new musical instrument, language, or sport.

You may notice that you correct them or take over what they’re doing. You also want them to do things in the specific way you prefer.

This “my way or the highway” mindset can stunt your teenagers’ growth.

Sign #5: Your teen doesn’t get much flexibility

Your teens get little flexibility, especially regarding the rules and boundaries you’ve set at home.

Your teens may demonstrate a reasonable level of maturity and responsibility. But you still feel hesitant to give them more freedom.

For example, you might always refuse to extend their curfew or let them go out on a weekday night. The consequences tied to your house rules might also be harsh.

It’s important to realize that teenagers have a growing need for independence at this stage of life.

Rules that have been helpful when they were kids might no longer be appropriate now that they’re teens.

Of course, there’s still a need for boundaries for your teens. But these can be discussed with them and negotiated, especially if your teenagers show some level of responsibility.

Sign #6: You rarely praise your teen

Another sign you may be a perfectionist parent is a lack of praise or warmth.

You’re quick to point out any mistakes your teens make, and you’re not likely to praise them for something they’ve done well.

Research has even shown that parents tend to overestimate their use of praise. They also often underestimate the amount of criticism they give.

It’s easy for parents to hop on the criticism bandwagon.

But support and encouragement go much further in helping your teens to make the most of their potential.

The effects of perfectionist parenting on teenagers

Perfectionist parenting doesn’t just prevent your teens from learning from their mistakes. It can also affect their character development.

Let’s take a closer look at some of the possible effects of perfectionist parenting:

Effect #1: Low self-esteem

The words you use impact your teenagers more than you realize.

Criticizing your teens frequently can lower their self-esteem.

Unsurprisingly, studies have found that criticism from parents can lead to negative emotions in their teenagers.

Persistent criticism can damage a teenager’s self-image. It can also make him or her more vulnerable to mental health conditions, such as depression.

These problems may continue well into adulthood.

Effect #2: Fear of failure

Micromanaging, criticizing, and having high expectations of your teenagers may lead to a fear of failure.

As a result, your teenagers may not feel confident enough to try new things or step outside their comfort zone.

Your teens might view failure as a life-altering event instead of as a growth opportunity. This may also cause your teens to be perfectionists in the future.

Effect #3: Lack of coping skills

At this stage of life, having some amount of autonomy and independence is essential for teens’ development.

Perfectionist parenting prevents teens from making mistakes and learning from them.

These types of parents tend to “overparent.” This means that they may be overly involved in their teenager’s life.

For instance, they may be too protective or controlling.

Research has indeed found that overparenting makes it harder for teens to develop into self-sufficient adults. These teens may lack self-regulation skills, which can affect their decision-making and problem-solving skills.

Effect #4: Burnout

Continually meeting high expectations is a heavy load for your teenagers to shoulder.

In addition, your teenagers may have a packed schedule with little time to relax and rest.

In the long run, your teens may also experience academic burnout. This happens when they’re overwhelmed and can no longer cope with stressful situations at school.

As a result, your teens may develop unhealthy coping mechanisms in response to the immense stress. This might lead to bad grades or drive them to rebel against your wishes.

While doing well in school is important, it shouldn’t come at the expense of your teen’s health and well-being.

Effect #5: Social isolation

A packed schedule leaves little room for your teens to socialize and hang out with friends and family.

Your teens might not have the time or energy to build healthy relationships and friendships. This could leave them feeling isolated.

Friendships play a huge role during the teenage years. Without real friends, teenagers are more vulnerable to bullying, depression, and anxiety.

On the other hand, supportive and healthy friendships can lead to an increase in happiness and self-esteem. These friendships also help your teens to cope better with stress.

Effect #6: Strained parent-teen relationship

Setting rules and carrying out the consequences for breaking them might cause temporary tension between you and your teens. But this plays a key role in disciplining your teens and teaching your teens good values.

But being overly strict and authoritative can backfire.

Your teenagers may feel as if you don’t understand them. This may lead to conflicts that can strain the relationship.

When setting boundaries, it’s important to explain the reasoning behind them. Try to involve your teens in the discussion instead of setting hard-and-fast rules with no room for negotiation.

Frequent criticism and harsh words can also cause a rift in the relationship and create a tense environment at home.

So try using positive words and encouragement to motivate your teens. Plus, being patient and understanding when they make mistakes goes a long way in fostering a strong parent-teen relationship.

Conclusion

Parenting teens isn’t easy.

While we want only the best for them, it’s important to realize that perfectionism won’t get them there.

Remind your teens that mistakes should be seen as learning opportunities.

Ultimately, your teens are still learning and growing.

As a parent, you have the privilege of guiding them as they journey through both the ups and downs of life!

(Don’t forget to download your free e-book below.)