How to Handle an Angry Teen: 20 Strategies You Can Deploy Today

Updated on May 17, 2022 By Daniel Wong Leave a Comment

Dealing with an angry teen is like standing in the middle of a hurricane.

What’s the best way to deal with the situation?

Should you match your teenagers’ anger with your anger? Should you threaten them with the loss of privileges?

Or should you give in and hope they won’t blow up again?

Over the years, I’ve spoken to and worked with over 20,000 teenagers. This means that I’ve also interacted with many confused and frustrated parents.

Teens’ anger isn’t something you can prevent or control. But how you respond to it is something you can control.

Here are 20 strategies to help you navigate these challenging situations.

(Download the free PDF below to learn 5 bonus strategies.)

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1. Remember the “boiling kettle” analogy

When your teen is angry, think of the “boiling kettle” analogy.

When a kettle boils, steam comes out of the spout. But the steam is just a “symptom” of the water boiling.

To stop the steam from coming out, you need to turn off the fire.

Similarly, your teen’s anger is a symptom too. It’s the visible part of something deeper that is causing your teen’s problematic behaviour.

In the boiling kettle analogy, it’s the fire that’s the “root cause” of the steam.

It’s the same with your teen. So don’t focus on the anger itself. Instead, find the root cause of the anger:

Does your teen feel unloved?
Does your teen feel neglected?
Is your teen suffering from body image issues?
Is your teen a victim of bullying?
Is your teen struggling with anxiety?

(The list of questions above isn’t exhaustive.)

Your teen can learn anger management techniques. But if the underlying issues aren’t addressed, then the anger problem will persist.

2. Remember that your teen’s behaviour isn’t a reflection of your competence as a parent

The teenage years are a difficult time for your child.

Huge hormonal changes are taking place and – at the same time – your child’s brain is changing rapidly.

Many parents take their teenager’s behaviour personally. They may feel guilty and may feel as if they’ve messed up as parents. They may start obsessing over the mistakes they’ve made as parents.

But it’s important to remember that even if there was such a thing as a perfect parent (which there isn’t), no child would turn out perfect.

The physical changes taking place inside your teenager would still create at least some turmoil.

Of course, your teenager’s anger may be directed at you. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re a bad parent.

Try to look at the situation objectively.

As an adult, you have inner resources that your teenager doesn’t. You have more control over your emotions, which means that you have the ability to defuse a heated situation.

It will often seem as though your teenager is verbally assaulting you. But this is where you need to exercise self-control.

Instead of reacting violently to your teenager’s anger, see her anger as a cry for help.

Teenagers haven’t yet learned how to manage their emotions. Instead of asking for help, they often bottle up their emotions until they explode in an angry outburst.

This can be triggered by a combination of school-related pressure, friendship issues, and an emotionally unsafe home environment.

3. Hear your teen out, even if he or she is sharing negative feelings

When teens share their thoughts and feelings, much of what they say may be negative.

For example, they may complain about their teachers, or about how much homework they’re getting, or about certain school rules.

Your teen’s view of the situation might be imbalanced, but refrain from interrupting him.

Your teen wants to know that you’re trying to understand how he feels about the situation. This means you need to put aside your own views for a while and listen to your teen.

Resist the temptation to correct your teen and tell him how he should view the situation. Try not to minimise the situation by moralising or by informing him that “that’s life”.

If you cast judgment, your teen will be less likely to share his feelings with you in the future. This would be damaging in the long run, because – during the teenage years – it’s vital to keep the lines of communication open.

The less your teen shares with you about his life, the harder it becomes for you to influence him. It will then become harder to coach your teen through the challenges ahead.

4. Explain the concept of cognitive distortions to your teen

Cognitive distortions are ways in which our minds convince us of something that isn’t true.

They are inaccurate thoughts about ourselves and the world around us. They often reinforce our negative thinking or emotions.

There are 15 common cognitive distortions and you can read about them here.

In this section, I’m going to describe three prevalent ones:

Filtering. This is when a person takes negative events and magnifies them. At the same time, they filter out the positive aspects of the situation.
Polarised thinking. This is when a person sees situations in extremes. Things are either black or white, with no middle ground between the two.
Overgeneralisation. This is where a single event is used to form a general conclusion. When something bad happens once, the person concludes that the bad thing will happen again in the future.

When we get angry, it’s almost always due to a cognitive distortion.

Try explaining this to your teenager. When she realises this, it will help her to manage her anger by looking at the situation through another lens.

In addition, as a parent, you may find it useful to refer to this brief summary of cognitive distortions that result in anger, created by Corner Canyon Counseling and Psychological Services.

Through understanding the various cognitive distortions that exist, your teenager will become aware of her flawed habits of thinking that she needs to change.

5. Don’t threaten your teen

When your teen becomes angry, you may feel tempted to use threats as a way of calming him down.

For example, you might say: “If you don’t calm down now, I’m going to take away your phone.”

Or you might say: “If you don’t stop shouting, you’ll be grounded for a month.”

But this approach won’t work in the long run.

If you use threats, your teen will resent you. Threats may work in the short term, but in the long term, they will damage the relationship you have with your teen.

What’s more, threats do nothing to resolve the anger issue.

Your teen’s anger is not just a behavioural problem. It’s a sign that something is wrong, that some emotional need is not being met.

6. Explain to your teen how he or she can express anger in an appropriate way

There’s no point in doing this while your teenager is still angry.

Wait until the episode has passed and your teenager is calm and relaxed.

Explain to her that all feelings are acceptable, but not all behaviours are acceptable. Explain to her that it’s okay to feel angry, and that there’s no need to feel guilty about it.

Share with her that there are ways to express anger without hurting others.

Teach your teenager how to recognise the signs that she’s on the verge of a meltdown:

Clenched jaw
Headache
Increase in heart rate
Sweaty palms
Dizziness

Tell your teenager that when she’s angry, she doesn’t need to act on her feelings right away.

Ask your teenager to practise counting to ten slowly, or to try this breathing exercise:

Breathe in for four counts
Hold your breath for four counts
Breathe out for four counts

7. Discuss family rules related to expressing anger

When the situation has passed and everyone is calm, schedule a discussion about how everyone in the family will express their anger.

During the family discussion, decide on the boundaries your family will commit to.

Come to a consensus that these rules will apply to everyone in the family, including you as a parent.

For example, your family might decide that it’s not acceptable to:

Break things
Use vulgarities
Engage in name-calling
Storm off in the middle of a conversation
Slam the door
Kick or throw furniture around

This is a good opportunity to talk about the difference between feeling angry and being aggressive.

Make sure that everyone is on the same page with regard to the rules. You might find it helpful to write down the rules and put them somewhere visible, such as on the fridge door.

8. Call a timeout if the situation becomes heated

When a situation with your teen becomes heated, try calling a “timeout”. In fact, calling a timeout can be part of the family rules that we just talked about.

When tempers are flaring, there’s no point in allowing the situation to escalate further.

For example, you could say: “We’re both getting angry, so let’s please take a break. How about we discuss this again after dinner?”

If your teen persists in arguing, try to disengage. After all, conflicts are never resolved when the parties involved have lost their cool.

9. Keep the lines of communication with your teen open

Remember that one of the most important things you can do as a parent is to keep the lines of communication open.

Of course, this is easier said than done when you have an angry teenager on your hands.

Refrain from casting judgment, jumping to conclusions, or lecturing your teenager. If your teenager is angry, it means that he needs empathy (as discussed in Strategy #3).

Ask for your teenager’s opinion. Encourage him to share his point of view. Seek to understand his perspective.

By keeping the lines of communication open, your teenager will eventually share his feelings. As such, you’ll be able to get to the root of the issue.

10. Find a win-win (or at least no-lose) solution to every conflict

When dealing with any conflict with your teen, try to find a win-win solution.

Avoid an outcome where your teen feels that you won and she lost. Such outcomes will lead to your teen becoming even angrier.

For example, when setting boundaries related to curfew timings, phone usage, or screen time, be willing to negotiate with your teen.

This way, she will feel that she has a part to play in developing the solution. She won’t be resentful if she feels that she was involved in the process of setting the boundary.

Adult life involves plenty of compromise and negotiation, so this is a good opportunity to enable your teen to develop this life skill.

The solution you both agree on may be a compromise between what you want and what your teen wants. But if you can both live with it, it’s better than creating a rule that you simply impose by force.

11. Reach out to your teen’s teachers

If your teenager is becoming aggressive, reach out to his teachers. Let them know what you’ve observed about your teenager at home.

Your teenager’s teachers may have information to share that will help you understand why he is acting out.

Could it be that he is being ostracised by his classmates?

Maybe he is hanging out with bad company?

Or perhaps he is struggling to keep up with his schoolwork?

Your teenager’s teachers may be able to help you figure out why your teenager is being aggressive at home.

12. Model for your teen how to manage anger effectively

If your teen sees you losing your temper frequently, it will be hard for her to learn how to handle her anger.

Family life sometimes involves moments of conflict and anger. But when you get angry with a family member, model for your teen how to resolve the conflict peacefully.

Research shows that children who observe their parents having mild conflicts and resolving those conflicts display higher levels of emotional intelligence later on.

This principle applies to your relationship with your teen too. If you’ve lost your temper at your teen, apologise to her and make amends.

Many parents find it hard to apologise to their children. Some parents think that apologising is an act of weakness, or that it implies that they lack authority.

But this isn’t true.

When you offer a genuine apology to your teen, you’re modelling accountability. You’re showing your teen the importance of taking responsibility for your actions.

You’re also displaying humility, which will earn your teen’s respect.

13. Do something together with your teen that he or she enjoys

When your teenager displays anger at home, you may feel a need to deal with the issue right away.

But most of the time, this isn’t the best approach. For a start, take the focus away from the anger issue altogether.

Go and do something fun with your teenager. Watch a movie, go for a hike, visit an amusement park, or go bowling.

These activities will allow you to build a connection with your teenager. In turn, this will make it easier to understand the issues behind your teenager’s anger.

But if you keep trying to address the anger issue directly, you may end up backing your teenager into a corner.

She may start to feel that you view her as a problem that needs to be fixed, which will exacerbate the situation.

So spend meaningful time with your teenager and work on the relationship first.

14. Help your teen identify the triggers that set him or her off

Teens often lack awareness as to what triggers their emotional responses.

So it’s helpful to encourage your teen to reflect on what kinds of comments or situations trigger his anger.

Is it when someone makes a comment about his appearance or abilities? Or is it when he feels as if his character is being called into question?

Through this process of reflection, your teen will become more self-aware.

This self-awareness will allow him to identify the deeper issues that spark his anger. He can then begin to work on these issues in an intentional way.

15. Don’t treat your teen as a child

As children develop into teenagers, parents often struggle to adjust their parenting methods.

If you’re not careful, you might still be treating your teenager as if she’s a child, when she’s actually on the cusp of adulthood.

But there’s a powerful force at work in your teenager, which is urging her to develop her own identity. It’s pushing her toward independence, even if you might not think she’s ready for it.

If you keep talking to your teenager as you did when she was a child, she will likely rebel and display more anger.

Instead, try seeing your teenager as an adult who lacks experience. This will enable you to shift from being an authority figure to being a coach and mentor to your teenager.

This shift is vital if you want your teenager to make the most of her potential and overcome her anger issues.

16. Help your teen to develop problem-solving skills

Anger in teens often arises when they are confronted with a problem and can’t think of a constructive way to deal with it.

The problem can take many different forms:

A project team member who is not pulling his weight and is leaving your teen to do all the work
Classmates who are gossiping about your teen
A teacher who picks on your teen
Your teen being unable to stay on top of his schoolwork

If your teen lacks problem-solving skills, he may start to feel helpless. As a result, he may lash out in anger.

So I encourage you to teach your teen the steps of problem-solving:

Identify the problem
Think of at least 2 to 3 possible solutions
Evaluate each possible solution based on advantages and disadvantages
Choose a solution
Implement the solution
Reflect on how things turned out and what lessons you learned

When your teen is equipped with these problem-solving skills, he will feel more confident when confronted with a challenge.

Instead of feeling discouraged and frustrated, your teen will take positive steps toward overcoming the problem.

17. Develop family rules about screen time

If your teenager is aggressive, screen time might be a key contributing factor.

Too much screen time results in teenagers who are “wired and tired” – they’re agitated but exhausted at the same time.

Here are three ways that excessive screen time can lead to increased aggression in teenagers:

Suppression of melatonin. Melatonin is a sleep-inducing hormone that gets released at night. But the light emitted by the screens of various electronic devices mimics daylight. This suppresses the release of melatonin and affects your sleep.
Over-reliance on dopamine. Dopamine is a feel-good chemical released by your brain. Too much screen time causes the release of excessive amounts of dopamine. This creates a need in your teenager for ever-increasing levels of stimulation.
Overloading the sensory system. Screen time depletes your teenager’s mental resources, making her unable to process what’s happening around her. To cope with this, your teenager may become prone to angry outbursts.

These factors can lead to a state of stress and unease in your teenager, which further affects her ability to manage her anger.

Similar to what we talked about under Strategy #7, it’s crucial that you lead a discussion about family rules related to screen time.

For example, you might decide that – as a family – you…

Will not use electronic devices during mealtimes
Will not have a TV in your home
Will create a daily schedule for when you will have screen time
Will charge your electronic devices in the living room (not the bedroom) every night
Will not have any screen time within 1 hour of bedtime

18. Get help for your teen

As we’ve already discussed in this article, recurring episodes of anger is a clear sign that something deeper is going on with your teen.

Identifying the deeper issue isn’t always straightforward.

It’s necessary to take a holistic approach that investigates factors related to your teen’s physical, mental, and emotional well-being.

Parent-teen relationships are complicated. As the parent, you’re often too involved to be able to assess the situation objectively.

(I’m a parent of two myself, so I know this for a fact!)

Getting a neutral third party – who is also a professional – involved is often a key turning point, which results in your teen’s positive transformation.

I work with teens 1-to-1 to help them work through their anger issues. I also empower them to become motivated, responsible and resilient.

I encourage you to get help for your teen today before the situation worsens.

19. Don’t focus on winning the argument

As a parent, you’re used to being the authority figure in your home. It’s natural that you don’t want to lose face.

In an argument with your teenager, you may feel as if you have to win in order to maintain your position of authority.

But if you focus on winning the argument with your teenager, you may end up winning the battle but losing the war.

If your teenager always comes away from arguments feeling that he has lost, he will eventually stop talking to you about his problems.

Your teenager will start to resent you, which will fuel even more anger in him.

20. Aim to achieve the “5:1 ratio” in your relationship with your teen

Research has shown that for a healthy marriage, there is typically a ratio of at least five positive interactions for every negative interaction.

Having worked with teens for years, I’ve observed that this principle applies in the parent-teen relationship too.

Ensure that your positive interactions with your teen far outweigh the negative ones.

When your teen displays anger, remember that anger is often a symptom of low self-esteem.

The teenage years are difficult ones, and your teen is still trying to develop her own identity. As such, she probably struggles with some – if not many – self-esteem issues.

This is why it isn’t a good idea to continually criticise your teen. No adult likes to be criticised all the time either!

If you express constant disapproval of your teen, it will undermine her self-esteem. She’ll then become even angrier.

You may observe many things about your teen’s attitude and behaviour that warrant correction.

But remember the 5:1 ratio.

Ask yourself these questions:

Will it help the situation if I criticise my teen?
Is this a battle worth fighting, or can I let it go?
Is there a gentler way that I can address the issue?

So be sparing with your criticism, but be generous with your appreciation, kind words, and empathy.

Conclusion

Dealing with teenage anger is a complex issue.

It requires various parenting skills, including the ability to listen, empathise, and understand the underlying reason that your teen is angry.

It also requires that your teen develops the tools he or she needs to overcome the anger issue.

These tools include:

Understanding cognitive distortions
Becoming more aware of what triggers his or her anger
Acquiring problem-solving skills

If you get help for your teen and apply the strategies in this article, I’m confident that the situation will improve tremendously.

So don’t lose hope!

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11 Tips to Get Better at Math

April 4, 2022 By Daniel Wong 6 Comments

Are you struggling with how to get better at math?

If you’re like many students, you find math frustrating and overwhelming.

Maybe your palms get sweaty just thinking about solving equations and memorising formulas. Or maybe you feel like you’re not a “math person” — like no matter how hard you try, you’ll never understand the fundamentals of geometry or algebra.

I get it. Math is tough, and it only gets more difficult as you progress in your studies.

But you don’t have to love numbers to learn how to get good grades in math. With the right attitude and strategies, anyone can learn how to become better at math.

Plus, math is one skill you’ll use long after you complete your formal education. From managing money to filing taxes to baking cakes, confidence with numbers will help you every day.

So, how do you get better at math for long-term success?

Let’s explore these 11 tips that will help you exchange anxiety for confidence, regardless of what problem your teacher (or life) throws your way.

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1. Relate math problems to real-life situations

Without mathematics, there’s nothing you can do. Everything around you is mathematics. Everything around you is numbers.
– Shakuntala Devi, writer and mental calculator.

What do you see when you look at a complicated math equation? A random jumble of letters and numbers?

No wonder you feel stressed because of math!

One simple tip to get better at math is to make practical connections to real-life scenarios whenever possible.

If your teacher writes a difficult equation on the board, ask yourself how you might use the formula outside the classroom.

It’s always more challenging to memorise something we don’t understand. But getting better at math becomes purposeful and relevant when we make it meaningful.

Here’s an example…

B = 60 + 0.25M, where B = 300

This equation doesn’t mean anything to you. Maybe you can solve it, but you probably don’t care much about it.

Now, what if I told you this math equation represents your phone bill. M = minutes used; B = total amount due.

You suddenly have a real-life connection to the problem. It’s not just an assortment of letters and numbers but a practical scenario involving money.

Remember that a valuable reason to get better at math is to make everyday decisions easier. So start relating your math assignments to real-life situations whenever you can.

If you do this, those tricky formulas might start to make more sense.

2. Master basic math skills

Sometimes, studying math can feel like learning a foreign language. So why not treat it like one?

You wouldn’t attempt an entire conversation in Spanish if you didn’t already know a few essential words. Instead, you’d learn words like hola and gracias.

Then, you’d practise stringing a handful of words into a sentence. Eventually, after some repetition, you’d have a solid foundation to advance your language skills.

Complex math computations build off of foundational skills, too.

Develop and maintain the basics, such as fractions and decimals. Avoid moving on to higher levels of math until you fully understand the underlying principles — even if that means doing a few extra practice problems along the way.

You’ll soon discover that you can learn how to get good at math.

3. Break down intricate problems

There’s no way around it: you’ll face tricky math problems on your academic journey.

It’s easy to get flustered by complex questions, but remember that these questions build off skills you already possess.

Ask yourself this question:

How can I break this math problem into smaller, more manageable parts?

Read and reread the question carefully. Take a deep breath.

Do you recognise any familiar concepts or formulas within the larger problem? By “chunking” a challenging problem down into bite-size sections, you’ll avoid feeling overwhelmed.

If you’re still stuck, consider simplifying the numbers. Does the problem become more manageable if you’re working with 10 instead of 10,000? 2/3 instead of 37/52? (Just don’t forget to revert to the original numbers before writing your final answer!)

When faced with challenging problems in life and in math, ask yourself how you could simplify the situation.

You might be surprised at how obvious the answer becomes!

4. Make the most of practice tests

Education isn’t mainly about getting good grades. That being said, exams are an unavoidable part of your academic career.

Practice tests are a powerful tool to help you prepare well, but there’s a problem.

Many students learn how to tackle a tough question on their practice test weeks or even months before the exam. They then sometimes forget how to solve the same type of question when it shows up later on the actual exam.

Here’s what I recommend that you do:

Place a sticky note on the page whenever you encounter a tricky question. Get the help you need to understand the problem. Regularly review all the practice questions you flagged with a sticky note in the days and weeks leading up to the exam.

If you add this to your list of test preparation and test-taking strategies, you’ll see an improvement in your math grades.

5. Establish a consistent study routine

Studies show that cramming doesn’t work.

If you cram, you might be able to memorise equations or formulas for a while, but you won’t retain the information for long.

What should you do instead?

Establish a consistent study routine to review math problems and formulas.

Try setting up a study group with three to four other motivated students if you need some accountability.

After a lot of research and experimentation, here’s a routine for periodic review that I’ve found works well for most students:

1 day after learning the new information
3 days after the first review
7 days after the second review
21 days after the third review
30 days after the fourth review
45 days after the fifth review
60 days after the sixth review

Use this schedule to commit fundamental math concepts and formulas to long-term memory. You should only need about 10 to 15 minutes for each review session for each topic.

(For more tips on how to improve your study habits so that you learn how to be better at math, here are the rules I followed to become a straight-A student.)

6. Write down each step

We’ve all been there before…

You get your math exam back and you review the questions you got wrong. You realise you did everything right for a number of questions — except for one tiny mistake. This means that you still got the final answer wrong.

Rushing through the process of solving math problems doesn’t help your accuracy.

So it’s crucial that you write down each step. This way, you can check your intermediate calculations on the way to your final answer. By doing this, you’ll avoid errors and uncover mistakes you made along the way.

Here’s another tip: It makes a difference if you’re organised and neat. If you can’t read your handwriting, you can’t check your process. Try working vertically, and only use one line on your paper for each step.

7. Practise mental math

Now, some of you might be thinking:

“Isn’t practising mental math the opposite of writing down each step as you work through a problem?”

Well, not exactly.

When I talk about mental math, I’m referring to simple calculations that you can do in your head.

Your brain is like a muscle. To keep it strong, you’ve got to use it and challenge it.

Mental math is an excellent way to do just that. Plus, it will enable you to strengthen your understanding of numerical relationships.

Try using mental math while you’re out shopping or dining at a restaurant. Help your parents calculate a tip without using your smartphone. Estimate what the sales tax will be at the grocery store.

Keep practising, and eventually, complicated mental math will seem simple!

You’ll stop wondering to yourself, “How do I get better at math?” Instead, you’ll start revelling in your newfound confidence with numbers.

8. Improve your number sense

Number sense refers to how comfortable you are with numbers and basic math.

Some people have better number sense than others, and that’s okay! With practice, anyone can improve their number sense.

Here’s a fun trick to cultivate number sense: Make guesses or estimations.

As you go about your day-to-day activities, think about the distances, amounts, and measurements you encounter.

How many miles do you need to travel to get to soccer practice? How many gallons of water does it take to fill a swimming pool? How many tablespoons of sugar could fit in that bowl?

Whenever you can, do the actual calculations to see how accurate you were.

The more you make estimations about the world around you, the better your approximations will get — and the more comfortable you’ll feel about dealing with numbers.

9. Focus on the process of solving problems

I’ve said it before in many articles: Students who succeed in school concentrate on learning the information, not on getting straight A’s.

Sure, it feels nice to get good grades. But what’s far more important are the positive habits that shape who you’re becoming through the process of learning effectively.

The same principle applies to learning how to get better at math.

Getting the correct answer on an exam is great. But what matters is that you understand the process that brought you to that right answer.

These are the same kinds of processes that will help you navigate the world outside of school.

As you tackle increasingly tricky math topics like calculus and complex numbers, remember why you’re learning specific formulas. If you don’t understand the process behind a calculation, approach your teacher for help.

Plus, when you swap memorising facts for understanding processes, you’ll get better grades too.

10. Ask questions

When it comes to getting better at math, there’s never any shame in asking for guidance when you need it.

If you have a question, go to your teachers or parents for support. They want to help you succeed!

Here are some helpful tips for asking better questions so that you can get better at math:

Be as specific with your questions as possible.
Listen attentively.
Take notes so that you have additional information to refer to later on.
Repeat back to your teacher what you heard to check your understanding.
Clarify your doubts early on; don’t wait until the day before an exam to seek help.

11. Stay positive

Getting better at math might seem impossible in the beginning. But with the right mindset and tools, you can improve your understanding of numbers — and get better math grades, too.

Your mindset is vital, and the phrases you say to yourself will shape how you feel. In other words, positive self-talk will help you become a more successful and resilient student. Negative self-talk will achieve the opposite.

Here are a few mantras that I’ve found to be especially helpful:

“The harder it gets, the harder I try.”
“I don’t stop when I’m tired. I stop when I’m done.”
“Progress, not perfection.”

If you’re struggling to maintain a positive mindset about math, you can give these phrases a try too.

And if you’d like some help to become a focused, motivated and resilient student, you can learn more about the one-to-one coaching programme I offer. It would be my joy to work with you!

How to Deal With Teenage Attitude: 7 Tips for Parents

Updated on April 11, 2022 By Daniel Wong 4 Comments

How to deal with teenage attitude – that’s what so many frustrated parents want to know.

As someone who’s been coaching teens for years, I often speak with parents who are overwhelmed by their teenager’s attitude.

Since you’re reading this article, I’m sure you love your teens and want to set them up for success.

Yet almost everything you say or do elicits an eye-roll in response.

Do any of the following scenarios sound familiar to you?

Your teenagers hate school and don’t have long-term academic goals (or other meaningful goals, for that matter). When you tell them that there’ll be no video games until they finish their homework, they storm off.

Or maybe you want to spend some family time together, but your teens prefer to use social media or watch videos instead.

And if you ask about your teen’s day? Well, you’re lucky if you get a three-word reply.

Knowing how to deal with teenage attitude is tricky. You don’t want to worsen the situation, but you’re also unwilling to tolerate disrespectful behaviour.

Here’s what you need to remember…

Your teenager’s attitude often has little to do with you.

Teenagehood is a tricky time. Teens are developing their sense of identity, yet they still feel powerless, confined by rules and schedules.

But here’s some good news:

While parenting teens is never easy, there are ways to learn how to handle teenage attitude – simple steps you can take today to improve your relationship with your teens and get through to them.

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7 ways to deal with teenage attitude problems

Understanding your teen’s challenging behaviour can be emotionally overwhelming, but these proven tips will help:

1. Offer advice only if your teen is open to it

As a parent, it’s hard to watch your teenagers struggle with their problems — especially when you know you can help.

After all, you’ve experienced a lot more than your teens have. If only they would listen to you, you could easily give them the solutions they need.

You want to support your teens to become excellent students who lead meaningful lives. But they’re in the process of discovering their unique identity. They need to develop their own preferences and learn from their mistakes.

If your teenagers are open to it, you can still guide and coach them. But do your best to listen more and speak less.

Avoid forcing your opinion on your teenagers, even if you think you know what’s best for them.

They’ll be more inclined to share their thoughts and feelings with you (without the bad attitude) if you listen rather than lecture.

2. Set clear boundaries together with your teen

If you want your teenagers to respect boundaries, involve them in the rule-setting process.

If you do this, they’ll see that you value and respect their feelings and opinions.

Now, the rules should seem reasonable to everyone in the family. You’re not letting your teens walk all over you, but rather you’re listening to their concerns and working together to create fair boundaries.

As far as possible, make the boundaries apply to you (as the parent) too. In my own family, I’ve found that my children are more willing to abide by the rules when they apply to me and my wife too.

When you set rules with your teens, they will be much more likely to go along with them.

And you know what’s even better? You won’t have to struggle with the issue of how to deal with teenage attitude.

3. Give your teen autonomy

Does it feel like just a short while ago your teenager was a toddler?

Do you remember that small child who always wanted to spend time with you and relied on you for almost everything?

I don’t need to tell you how quickly kids grow up, so the process of raising independent grownups begins now.

Teenagers often feel like their lives are out of their control and that their freedom is always being limited.

They’re discovering their identity yet often feel frustrated by their lack of independence. This leads to poor behaviour and a poor attitude.

After all, teens who don’t feel right can’t act right.

So give your teens autonomy whenever you’re able to. This might mean compromising on the small things (like a hairstyle or fashion choice), but in return, you’ll have more energy for the things that matter.

Teens should have the final say with regard to most of the things going on in their lives, e.g. which subjects to take, which activities to participate in, how to complete a project.

4. Stay calm

You politely ask your daughter to wash the dishes after dinner.

She gets angry, says she doesn’t want to, then slams her bedroom door.

Your frustration starts to rise and you lecture her. How else should you deal with such teenage attitude?

Of course, rude and disrespectful behaviour is never acceptable.

That being said, losing your temper will cause your teen to shut down or become defensive. It definitely won’t lead to a productive conversation about your teen’s inappropriate actions.

When you feel as if you’re about to lose your cool, take a few deep breaths.

Stay calm (here are some good tips to do that) and, if necessary, address the issue at a later time when both you and your teen have calmed down.

5. Spend quality time with your teen

It might seem like your teenagers don’t want to spend time with you. It might seem like whatever you do or say is annoying to them.

Here’s the thing to keep in mind about dealing with teenage attitude…

Your teens crave your love and support, even if they don’t express it.

They might begin to feel neglected if it appears that their other siblings or your work or hobbies are more important to you than they are.

If they feel this way, their behaviour will get worse.

So set aside regular time to spend with your teen, and ensure that your teen is available at that time too.

Use these opportunities to show that you care about your teen and about his or her interests and hobbies.

Over time, your teen’s confidence and self-esteem will improve, and so will the parent-teen relationship.

Quality time doesn’t have to be extravagant. A walk around the neighbourhood or an afternoon out for ice cream is all it takes to demonstrate that you enjoy spending time with your teen.

And make sure to avoid lecturing or nagging during this quality time — quality time should be something you both look forward to!

6. Don’t take bad behaviour personally

When it comes to how to deal with teenage attitude, it’s easy to feel like you’re not handling the situation well.

You want to help your teens take responsibility for their lives so they become successful, happy adults.

But all your teens do is complain, talk back to you, and question your authority.

It helps to remember that how they behave frequently has less to do with you and more to do with their developmental stage.

Their brains are changing. They’re learning how to express their heightened emotions while also discovering their identity.

That’s a lot to handle for a young person!

Again, I’m not saying you should condone bad behaviour. But when you realise that your teen’s attitude isn’t a personal attack directed at you, it can be easier for you to communicate clearly and effectively.

In turn, it’s more likely that you’ll be able to get your teenager to listen to you.

7. Build your teen’s self-confidence

You want to help your teens develop positive lifelong habits.

So, you offer constructive criticism. You tell your teens what they should be doing: studying more, cleaning up, eating healthily, reducing screentime…

While you’re trying to enable your teens to become more responsible, don’t forget to say positive things to them, too!

Research shows that recognising positive behaviour in teens promotes identity formation and moral reasoning.

I recommend practising descriptive praise instead of evaluative praise. (Here are some examples of descriptive praise.)

By doing this, you’ll reinforce positive behaviour, build your teens’ self-confidence, and support habits for long-term success.

Plus, you’ll have more peace in your household, leading to fewer conflicts between you and your teens.

In closing…

Knowing how to handle teenage attitude can be stressful and exhausting.

Start applying the tips outlined in this article, and keep persevering.

As time goes by, your family life will be more harmonious, and your relationship with your teen will improve too.

And if you’ve found this article useful, check out my online course for parents of teens called Transform Your Teen Today: 7 Steps to Turn Your Child Into a Motivated & Responsible Teen.

Through the course, you’ll get the exact strategies and support you need to empower your teen to go through a positive transformation – starting today!

FREE E-BOOK: Get your copy of 16 Keys to Motivating Your Teenager. The e-book has already been downloaded by many thousands of parents, so don't miss out!

How to Motivate a Teenager: 13 Tips Guaranteed to Work

Updated on February 22, 2022 By Daniel Wong Leave a Comment

Do you struggle with how to motivate your teenager?

Don’t worry — many parents do.

After all, parenting teens isn’t easy.

You don’t want to be bossy, but you still want your teens to become successful, self-disciplined adults.

What will happen if you stop controlling and lecturing your teenagers?

Will they ever develop the positive, lifelong habits needed to thrive?

Here’s what you need to keep in mind…

Nagging and micromanaging your teens won’t help them to develop intrinsic motivation.

It might help your teens to pass an exam, but what will happen when they’re at university, and you’re not there to guide them?

The secret to motivating teens is to fuel inner motivation — to support and help in the development of self-discipline.

Your teens will then get good grades and, more importantly, develop the confidence and mindset required to succeed in all areas of life.

Motivating teenagers is possible. You can help your teens develop intrinsic motivation today using the following strategies.

FREE QUICK ACTION GUIDE: Get your copy of 10 Proven Ways to Get Your Teenager to Listen to You. The tips are guaranteed to help you get through to your teen, so download your copy today!

13 ways to motivate a teenager

Let’s explore these tips for how to motivate a teenager, so you can provide support without micromanaging your teens.

1. Focus on the process more than the outcome

Getting good grades and performing well in extracurriculars is important, but there’s more to life than that.

What truly matters are the skills your teen learns through the journey — traits like responsibility, perseverance, resilience, and hard work.

So encourage your teenager to focus on the process of becoming a more motivated and disciplined student.

If your teens don’t achieve their goals, help them identify opportunities for improvement while keeping your attention on the effort they put in.

For example, you might say something like this:

“Even though you didn’t make the football team, I hope you’re proud of yourself for practising every day. You showed determination and grit. Next time, how do you think you can practise more effectively?”

Focus on the process, and your teens will be less likely to shy away from challenges and more likely to try new things.

Here are some additional ways you can encourage your teen to become a process-oriented student:

Discuss the benefits of learning and studying beyond getting good grades.
Explain that rewarding careers and hobbies require time, effort, and determination.
Praise your teen when you observe hard work — not just for outstanding performance.
Discuss your teen’s hopes and aspirations; show how you, too, are going after your dreams (even if it means that you might fail along the way).

Every parent wants their teens to perform well.

It’s not a natural tendency for parents and teens to prioritise processes over outcomes. But shift your mindset — and help your teens do the same — and you’ll empower them to develop lifelong motivation and self-discipline.

Positive outcomes are then sure to follow!

2. Respect your teenager’s autonomy

Your teenagers are learning to find their way in the world — discovering their personality, passions, and individuality.

While your teenagers might not be adults quite yet, the desire for increased autonomy and independence are two natural elements of growing up.

What’s the problem?

Most teenagers have to abide by strict rules and schedules. They often have little control over their daily routines.

As a result, many teenagers feel frustrated, powerless, and, ultimately, unmotivated.

Now, I’m not saying that you should let your teenagers do whatever they want. But it’s important to give them some agency, so they become more motivated to work hard and follow through on tasks.

One easy way to respect your teenagers’ autonomy is to set rules and consequences together.

They’ll realise that you appreciate their opinions. They’ll then be more motivated to respect you and the mutually agreed-upon boundaries.

And when it comes to how to motivate teenagers, avoid the urge to say, “I know what’s best for you.”

Maybe you do know what’s best for your teenagers. But when you help them to responsibly embrace a greater sense of autonomy, they’ll develop into mature adults.

3. Promote empathetic communication

Talk to your teens and listen to what they have to say, even if it’s not exactly what you want to hear.

Encourage open dialogue and exchange long-winded lectures for supportive, empathetic communication.

If your teen comes to you with a problem, avoid the urge to interrupt him or her by giving unsolicited advice. You can still give guidance and coaching, but listen more and speak less.

In other words, practise active listening as you give your teen your full attention.

When you create this kind of positive environment, your teens will feel understood instead of judged or criticised. They’ll then be more likely to tell you what’s really going on in their lives.

Studies show that teenagers with close family relationships and open communication are less prone to behavioural problems — a finding that you probably don’t find surprising.

At this point, you might be thinking:

“I’d love to communicate with my teenagers more, but they never want to talk to me!”

An easy way to promote open, empathetic communication is to eat meals together regularly. 80% of teenagers say they’re the most likely to talk to their parents during mealtimes, so make family dinners a priority.

4. Support your teen’s interests

Do your teens have interests outside of school like dance, music, or athletics?

If so, that’s great!

Academics are essential to your teens’ overall development, but so are other activities and hobbies.

When your teens invest time in a passion, they learn how to become self-motivated while developing other life skills too.

Don’t talk about your teens’ hobbies as if they’re a waste of time. If you do that, your teens may become angry and resentful.

So support your teens as they pursue their interests, while helping them to lead a balanced life. If you do this, you’ll no longer ask yourself questions related to how to motivate a teenager.

Are you unsure about what your teenagers’ interests are?

Start by listening to them and observing them. What might seem like wasted time on social media could actually be a passion for video editing or media production.

5. Set a good example for your teen

Whether it’s letting the laundry pile up, putting off that long-overdue dentist appointment, or hitting the snooze button repeatedly, adults have a way of procrastinating too.

It’s hard being a parent, and no one expects you to be perfect.

Still, your teenagers are watching you and modelling their behaviour after you, either consciously or subconsciously.

If you struggle to find the motivation for the things that matter, your teens might have a hard time behaving differently.

But if your teens observe that you’re hardworking, responsible, and disciplined, they’ll be more likely to develop these qualities, too.

Here are just a few ways to set a good example for your children:

Develop a family culture where it’s okay to make mistakes. Share your dreams and setbacks — and embrace new challenges even when it’s scary!
Procrastinate as little as possible. If there’s a simple task that you can complete in a couple of minutes, do it right away.
Demonstrate a holistic approach to motivation by taking care of your physical and mental health.

6. Speak positively to and about your teen

“Why can’t you be more focused like your brother?”

“I heard that your classmate Johnny got straight-As. If he can do it, I’m sure you can, too.”

It’s tempting to compare your teen to siblings or peers. But instead of motivating your teen, this can result in low self-esteem and even resentment.

Say positive things to your teens as often as you can. Celebrate their unique strengths, and encourage them to see that hard work is fun and rewarding.

Here’s another tip…

When you say things like “When I was your age… ” your teens will see it as a kind of comparison, too. They’ll feel as if you can’t relate to or understand their situation or perspective.

So try to avoid making these types of comments as much as possible.

7. Promote healthy habits

If you want to know how to motivate a teenager, don’t underestimate the value of a good night’s sleep.

It’s difficult for anyone to find motivation when they’re exhausted.

Studies show that teenagers need 8 to 10 hours of sleep a night to function optimally, so help your teen develop a routine that provides enough time for rest.

Nutrition and exercise matter, too. Healthy habits help teenagers cope with stress and increase self-control.

Here are some areas to focus on when helping your teenager to embrace healthy habits:

Establish a daily routine
Exercise regularly
Switch off devices before bed
Avoid excessive caffeine
Eat a balanced diet

Remember that if you model self-care, your teenager will be more likely to lead a balanced life, too.

8. Avoid giving both rewards and punishments

Using rewards and punishments seems like a simple way to motivate teenagers.

In fact, parents often say things to me like: “Won’t my teens study harder if they get extra video game time for good grades and lose their phone privileges for bad grades?”

But here’s what you need to be aware of…

Research shows that rewards and punishments don’t lead to long-term motivation. Sure, they might compel your teens to study more for an upcoming exam, but they won’t teach your teens the value of hard work and persistence.

Plus, rewards and punishments prioritise the outcome over the process.

Like we talked about earlier, we want to instil in our teens a love for learning and taking on challenges.

So if you’re asking yourself how to motivate a teenager, avoid resorting to rewards and punishments — and follow the tips in this article instead.

9. Let natural consequences run their course

You don’t want to micromanage your teenagers. But that doesn’t mean they should get away with anything.

Mistakes have consequences, and your teens need to learn from their missteps.

Every parent wants to protect their children, but let natural consequences run their course whenever feasible.

For example, if your teens don’t put their dirty clothes in the laundry basket, don’t do it for them. When they run out of clean clothes, they’ll be forced to rewear their dirty clothes.

And if your teens fail an exam? Resist the urge to ask the teacher if they can retake the exam. Your teens need to learn better study habits to do well the next time around.

I know you want to save your teens from unnecessary pain and disappointment.

But when you let them learn from natural consequences — without telling them “I told you so” — you’ll avoid frustrating power struggles.

What’s more, they’ll learn the value of intrinsic motivation and making wise choices.

10. Find a mentor

Did you know that students with mentors are more likely to succeed?

It’s great that your teenagers (hopefully) love and respect you. Still, it’s beneficial that they get a fresh perspective from someone outside the family.

It’s especially helpful for your teens to have a mentor when there’s a conflict between you and them.

A mentor will be able to empower your teens to understand the situation from different points of view, so that it will be easier to arrive at a solution.

A mentor could be a coach, teacher, neighbour, or even a family friend. It could also be a professional success and life coach for teens, which is a big part of the work I do.

11. Equip your teen with valuable organisational tools

Your teen wants to succeed. It’s just that sometimes, mounting school and social responsibilities feel overwhelming.

So, instead of tackling his or her long to-do list, your teen turns to videos, games and social media to escape.

And you’re left wondering how to motivate a teenager in such a situation.

If your teen feels beaten down and frustrated, a couple of crucial organisational tips can help. Start with these two fundamental skills:

A. Chunking down

This technique makes daunting school assignments feel more manageable by breaking big tasks into smaller action items.

If your teens have a huge project to complete, help them “chunk” the work down into bite-sized tasks that can be easily tackled one at a time.

B. List-making

Encourage your teens to write down all important information, e.g. homework, deadlines, things to bring, exam dates.

This way, they won’t forget important dates and they’ll feel more in control of the things they need to do.

Just as adults have to learn organisational and planning skills in order to be responsible, so too do your teenagers.

If you equip them with the right tools and strategies, they’ll become more self-motivated.

12. Avoid giving pep talks

Sometimes, reading motivational quotes for students can give your teens the quick boost of inspiration they need to power through an assignment.

But when it comes to motivating your teens for the long term, pep talks rarely work.

Why?

Because even the best-intentioned pep talks often turn into lectures, at least from your teens’ perspective. What you think are words of inspiration might come across as nagging or even scolding.

Instead of giving your teenagers pep talks, help them to develop intrinsic motivation by following the tips in this article.

13. Develop routines and structures together with your teen

You’ll never change your life until you change something you do daily. The secret to your success is found in your daily routine.
– John C. Maxwell

Want a sure-fire way to eliminate unnecessary conflict while developing motivation in your teens?

Create and maintain established family routines.

When it comes to motivating teenagers, a consistent structure sets them up for success while providing the space they need as they exercise their sense of autonomy.

The secret to rewarding and effective family routines is to develop them with your teens. Work together to create a daily and weekly framework that’s acceptable to everyone.

Include important responsibilities like study time and chores, but don’t forget to make time for extra-curricular activities, hobbies, fun family times, etc. too.

Maybe your teen wants to cook dinner for the family every Sunday or do volunteer work one Saturday a month.

Such personal goals and interests are a fantastic way to motivate your teenager to excel in all areas of life, so include them in the family routines as far as possible.

In closing…

I encourage you to start applying at least a couple of these 13 proven tips to motivate teenagers.

As you do this, your teens will develop the inner motivation needed to succeed, while also finding fulfilment in their various pursuits.

Since you’re reading this article, I’m guessing that you’ve been facing some challenges with your teens…

Have you been trying to motivate them without much success?

Or do you have ongoing disagreements with them over schoolwork, screen time, chores, family responsibilities, etc.?

If so, it doesn’t have to be this way.

Sign up for my online course for parents of teens today and discover my proven 7-step system to transform your teen into one who’s motivated and responsible!

FREE QUICK ACTION GUIDE: Get your copy of 10 Proven Ways to Get Your Teenager to Listen to You. The tips are guaranteed to help you get through to your teen, so download your copy today!

The 10 Most Dangerous Things That Students Can Say to Themselves

Updated on March 17, 2022 By Daniel Wong 12 Comments

The way you talk to yourself has a huge impact on how you handle challenges.

It affects how you perform in every area of life, including your academics.

Negative thoughts sometimes become so much a part of your “self-talk” that you’re barely even aware of them.

In this article, I’ll show you the 10 most dangerous things that students can say to themselves, and why these 10 things prevent students from achieving their goals.

(To learn 3 bonus tips, download the free PDF summary below.)

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1. “I don’t feel like it”

There will be times when you don’t feel like doing something that you ought to.

One thing that successful students all have in common is that they don’t allow themselves to be driven by emotion.

To succeed, you must be able to put your feelings aside and follow through on your commitments, even when you don’t feel like it.

For example, if you’ve made a commitment to study for at least 1 hour every weekday, do everything necessary to keep to that commitment.

Or if you’ve decided to go for a 20-minute walk every evening, make sure you do it, regardless of how you feel.

To make it more enjoyable, you could listen to an audiobook or podcast during the walk. (That’s what I do during my walks, and it helps a lot!)

Doing things only when you feel motivated to do them isn’t a reliable way of reaching your goals.

This is because you definitely won’t feel motivated all the time.

It’s important to be able to do productive and meaningful things even when you don’t feel like doing them.

Over time, you’ll build self-discipline.

2. “I’ll do it later”

Procrastination is the enemy of success, because it prevents you from being prepared to perform at your best.

To combat procrastination, the first thing to do is recognise that you’re engaging in it.

If you find yourself frequently saying “I’ll do it later” or “I’ll do it the day before it’s due”, these are common signs of procrastination.

The most effective way of dealing with procrastination is to make specific commitments, e.g. “I complete all my assignments at least 2 days before they’re due”, “I start studying for every class test at least 1 week in advance”.

You can go even further than this and prioritise the very things that you least want to do. This turns procrastination on its head: the things you want to avoid doing, you do first.

Another way of dealing with procrastination is to say no to perfectionism.

Sometimes we procrastinate because we feel that something has to be perfect. The fear of falling short of perfection is what causes us to procrastinate.

If you find yourself falling into this trap, tell yourself every day that progress and the process are what matter most, not perfection.

3. “I don’t have enough time”

We all get 24 hours a day. How is it that some students are so productive while others aren’t?

The answer boils down to planning and prioritisation.

If you feel you don’t have enough time to study and do other meaningful things, the problem could be that you aren’t doing enough planning.

Planning means allocating your time to specific tasks so that you achieve your goals.

When you have a plan, you “make” the time you need to accomplish a particular task.

So when you say “I don’t have enough time”, check that you’ve set aside time in your daily and weekly schedule for the task.

If you haven’t, this would explain why it feels as if you don’t have enough time.

The second aspect is prioritisation.

It’s often the case that students who say they don’t have enough time to study, read, exercise, etc. do have enough time to play video games or watch shows or go on social media every day.

If this is the case for you, then it’s a matter of priorities.

Prioritising is the act of deciding that some things in your life are more important than others.

For example, when thinking about doing fun activities like playing video games, ask yourself: “Will this help me get to where I want to be in 5 years or 10 years?”

Of course, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t play any video games at all.

I’m just saying that the way you spend your time should reflect what you claim is most important to you.

4. “It’s too late to…”

There’s a famous Chinese proverb that says, “The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.”

This principle applies to almost everything we do.

For example, you may feel that it’s too late to learn to play the guitar. Yes, it would have been good if you’d started learning to play the guitar 3 years ago.

But don’t let that thought prevent you from starting today.

Or you may feel that it’s too late to build a better relationship with your parents, because you’ve had a bad relationship with them for the past 5 years.

But without a doubt, today is the best day to start improving your relationship with your parents.

5. “I’m just not good at this”

When you’re learning a new skill or area of knowledge, do you ever think to yourself that “I’m just not good at this”?

If so, that’s a limiting mindset that will prevent you from growing and developing.

Dr. Carol Dweck of Stanford University has identified two kinds of mindsets: the fixed mindset and the growth mindset.

People with a fixed mindset tend to fear failure. They frequently avoid challenges or anything that makes them feel bad about their level of ability.

On the other hand, people with a growth mindset take on challenges. They accept the discomfort that goes along with challenges, because they know it’s part of the learning process.

So the next time you’re learning something new and the thought “I’m just not good at this” pops into your head, remind yourself that this feeling of being stretched is a good thing.

Feel the discomfort and push through it as you put in the effort to improve!

6. “Nothing ever goes my way”

We all experience setbacks, and we all have days when nothing seems to go right.

But if you find yourself frequently thinking that “nothing ever goes my way”, ask yourself if this is accurate.

This kind of thinking is an example of what psychologists call all-or-nothing thinking.

Look back over the past month and make a list of all the situations that turned out well.

Maybe you did better than expected on a test, or maybe you made a couple of new friends, or maybe your physical fitness improved.

Through the process of making this list, you’ll begin to see that this kind of all-or-nothing thinking is rarely objective.

7. “If only…”

A limiting belief that will prevent you from succeeding as a student is the notion that something is holding you back.

This often takes the form of thoughts that begin with the statement “If only…”

For example, you might think to yourself:

“If only I was born into a wealthier family…”
“If only my parents gave me more freedom…”
“If only I went to a better school…”
“If only I didn’t have to travel so far to get to school…”
“If only other people made an effort to understand me better…”
“If only I was better-looking…”

These thoughts are sometimes based on valid observations.

You’ll always be able to find someone who has something you don’t. At the same time, there are always countless things for you to be thankful for.

Don’t let these “if only” thoughts become an excuse for not doing your best.

History is full of people who made profound contributions to the world, but who had to overcome huge obstacles along the way.

8. “I’m not __________ enough to…”

This is another kind of limiting belief that will stop you from making the most of your potential as a student.

It might take the form of something like “I’m not smart enough to get good grades” or “I’m not confident enough to be on the school debate team”.

These thoughts will stop you from even attempting something challenging.

If you struggle with these thoughts, there are two aspects to focus on.

First, ask yourself if the belief is accurate. Is it really true that you’re not smart enough or confident enough?

Second, even if there’s some truth to the belief, what’s to stop you from improving and putting yourself in a better position to succeed?

For example, if you lack confidence, you can take practical steps to become more assertive, improve your communication and leadership skills, contribute to the community, etc. As a result, you’ll become more confident.

Remember that the thoughts you have about your abilities are often self-fulfilling.

As Henry Ford once said, “Whether you think you can or you can’t, you’re right.”

9. “It’s my teacher’s/parent’s/friend’s fault”

There will be times when people let you down. But at the end of the day, we’re fully responsible for our lives.

After all, if you’re not responsible for your life, then who is?

So even though your friends, teachers and family members may not live up to your expectations, there’s no point blaming them.

Instead, think about what you can do to take ownership of the situation.

For example, if you’re tempted to blame your teacher for not explaining the material clearly, hold your tongue.

Decide what you can do to learn the material. Are there notes you can refer to? Are there videos that you can find online? Would it help if you clarify your doubts with your teacher outside of class time?

If you take this proactive approach, you’ll find that there’s almost always something you can do to take ownership of the situation.

Taking responsibility for your life may seem scary at first.

But it will actually give you a greater sense of control and autonomy, because it puts you in the driver’s seat of your life.

10. “I’ll try to…”

When you say that you’ll “try” to do something, you’re not making a firm commitment to take action. All you’re promising to do is “try”.

This gives you a convenient way out if things don’t go smoothly.

Instead of saying that you’ll try to take notes in class, say that you will take notes in class.

Instead of saying that you’ll try to get to bed before 10 pm, say that you will get to bed before 10 pm. If you need to, set an alarm for 9:45 pm every night as a reminder for you to get ready for bed.

Make an unwavering commitment to the positive changes you want to see in your life.

Conclusion

Are you guilty of any of the negative thought patterns listed in this article?

(To learn 3 bonus tips, download the free PDF summary below.)

If so, don’t be discouraged. It’s all too easy to give in to such thoughts.

The first step in changing these thought patterns is to become more aware of them.

The next time you find yourself falling into one of these thought patterns, ask yourself these two questions:

“Is this thought objectively true?”
“Is this thought helpful?”

Most of the time, the answer to those two questions is no. You can then start to have a healthier internal dialogue with yourself.

By becoming more intentional about the thoughts you think, you’ll be on your way to developing better beliefs.

In turn, this will enable you to find meaning, fulfilment and success in your life as a student!

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Parenting Teens: 15 Tips to Raise Happy, Motivated Teenagers

Updated on May 19, 2022 By Daniel Wong Leave a Comment

When it comes to parenting your teens, does your home feel more like a battleground than a sanctuary?

If so, you’re not alone.

Navigating the teenage years is stressful for both you and your children.

You only want to help your teenagers succeed, yet everything you say or do seems to annoy them.

You’re understandably frustrated by their mood swings and irritability.

So, how does a parent survive these challenging teenage years?

As someone who coaches teens for a living, I’ve learned that even the most difficult teenagers are capable of transformation.

I’ve seen many struggling teens become successful students and well-adjusted members of the family.

With the right parenting tips, you can raise a respectful, responsible teen — and bring peace back to your home, too.

FREE E-BOOK: Get your copy of 16 Keys to Motivating Your Teenager. The e-book has already been downloaded by many thousands of parents, so don't miss out!

It’s normal to have problems between teens and their parents. Here’s why…

Growing up isn’t easy — and neither is parenting teens.

If you find yourself in a constant struggle with your teenagers, here are a few common reasons why they might be acting out:

A. Your teen is learning to express his/her emotions

Do you feel like your teens roll their eyes no matter what you say?

Or maybe your teens talk back to you angrily or don’t respond at all?

It’s frustrating to deal with a moody teenager, especially when you’re just trying to help.

During the teenage years, your children’s hormones go into overdrive. Your teens are likely feeling stressed, irritable, and confused. They’re unsure about how to navigate and express their emotions.

I’m not saying you should tolerate severe disrespect. Boundaries and consequences are crucial to raising a respectful teen.

If you’re wondering how to deal with teenage attitude, it helps to realise that your teens’ behaviour sometimes has little to do with you.

B. Your teen is developing a sense of identity

“I’m not a child anymore!”

Does your teenager like to remind you of this fact?

That’s because teenagehood is a time when children discover who they are and what they love: their personality and passions.

With individuality comes independence. It’s normal for teens to want increased autonomy and to be frustrated with rigid rules, schedules, and expectations.

As your teens discover their identity, remember to show them unconditional love, respect, and support.

(The tips for parenting teens that I’ll share below will help you do exactly that.)

C. Your teen feels powerless

Now you know that teenagers are still learning how to express themselves while also trying to discover their identity.

At the same time, they feel confined by rules and schedules over which they have no control.

It’s no wonder that many teenagers feel powerless!

Micromanaging your teens is like adding fuel to a fire. It only makes the situation worse.

The good news is that there are simple steps you can take to empower your teen — and raise a more respectful, responsible teen, too.

15 tips for parenting teenagers

Parenting teenagers is tricky, but there are many ways to adjust your parenting style and improve your relationship with your teen.

Let’s explore these 15 tips for how to handle teenagers more effectively:

1. Set rules and boundaries together with your teen

What’s a straightforward way to help your teens feel like they have control over their lives?

Involve them in the rule-setting process.

I’m not saying that you should let your teens dictate unreasonable family boundaries. But you can sit down together to discuss rules — and consequences — that are fair for everyone involved.

When you do this, your teens will see that you respect their opinions and independence. Plus, they’ll be far more likely to keep to the agreed-upon boundaries.

2. Communicate like a parent and a friend

Think about how you converse with your friends for a second.

If they come to you with a problem, do you interrupt and lecture them? Probably not.

I’m guessing that you actively listen to them, then offer advice only when appropriate.

If you want your teens to come to you with their problems, then you need to show them respect. A proven way to maintain open lines of communication is to listen more and speak less.

You’ll still want to give guidance and coaching — just without the excessive lecturing and interrupting.

3. Spend quality time together

I’m sure you’re busy.

It’s not easy to juggle a career, household responsibilities, parenting teens, and self-care. I’m a parent too, so I understand.

But this saying is one that’s good to keep in mind when things are hectic: The present moment is all we ever have.

Don’t let the days race by without spending quality time with your teenager.

You’ll create meaningful memories for years to come, and your teen will know you enjoy spending time together.

Quality time together doesn’t need to be extravagant. For example, you could invite your teen to prepare dinner with you or go on a short walk around your neighbourhood.

4. Avoid talking down to your teen

It’s frustrating when teenagers are disrespectful, but responding with disrespect will harm the relationship.

Maybe your teenager won’t stop playing video games and do his homework.

Or maybe you asked for your teenager’s help around the house, but when you get home, the place is still a mess.

You might feel like saying something along the lines of:

I’m the parent, and you’re the child. So just do what I say!

Teens need to learn to follow rules and respect boundaries, but they also want to become more independent. If you make them feel as if they’re just little kids, they’ll rebel.

So speak to your teen firmly but with respect.

Here’s a quick tip: Change “you” statements into “I” statements.

For example, instead of saying, “You are always so lazy,” try saying, “I feel disrespected when you don’t do your chores as we had agreed.”

5. Let your teen experience the consequences of his/her actions

We all make mistakes sometimes. But when we make the same mistake again and again, it becomes a habit.

How do you help your teenagers learn from their mistakes?

By letting them experience the natural consequences of their actions, as far as possible.

If your teenager knows that you’ll drive her to school anytime she misses the bus, she’ll have little motivation to wake up on time.

The same is true if you petition a teacher to let your teenager retake a test if he gets a bad grade. If you do this repeatedly, he won’t develop the study habits necessary to do well in school.

All parents want to save their kids from pain. But sometimes the best way to teach a life lesson is to let your teens experience the repercussions of their actions.

6. Focus on the things that matter

Does your teenager have a hairstyle you don’t like? Does she gravitate towards fashion choices that make your head spin?

As tempting as it is to try and control your teen’s life, even the most responsible teenagers are discovering their individuality and personality.

So, when it comes to parenting teens, save your limited energy for the things that matter the most in the long run.

7. Don’t have difficult conversations when you’re angry

Imagine the following scene:

Your teen comes home an hour after curfew, with no calls or messages to inform you that she would be late. Your anxiety turns into outrage. You were worried that she was in danger, and she didn’t even answer your phone calls?!

In this scenario, most parents would sit their teens down and immediately start lecturing them about their irresponsible behaviour.

The only problem?

If you do this, your teenager will shut down or become defensive. She’ll be unlikely to engage in a meaningful conversation with you.

Whenever possible, try to have difficult conversations when both you and your teen are calm.

Your teens need to understand what mistakes they made. But it’s always easier to teach a lesson when your own emotions aren’t getting in the way.

8. Support your teen’s interests and passions

Does your teen have a hobby that you don’t understand?

Do you nag your teen to be less distracted and more “productive”?

As long as your teens have reasonable time management skills, do your best to support their passions.

Start by observing what their hobbies and interests are. Listen to their favourite music together with them or let them choose the Friday night movie.

This will show your teens that you’re genuinely interested in getting to know them better — and that is a powerful gift.

9. Eat meals together regularly

The benefits of family mealtimes are indisputable. Research shows that eating as a family:

Improves academic performance
Lowers rates of depression, anxiety, and substance abuse
Builds resilience and self-esteem
Improves physical health
Reduces the likelihood of tobacco use, teenage pregnancy, and substance abuse

What’s more, 80% of teenagers say that family mealtimes are when they’re most likely to talk to their parents. If you want to communicate more with your kids, mealtimes are an ideal opportunity to do so.

This is a simple tip for parenting teens that you shouldn’t skip!

10. Recognise your teen’s good behaviour and habits

I know… you might be thinking that your teen doesn’t display any good behaviour or habits!

It’s easy to criticise your teens, especially when you’re trying to help them develop good habits for lifelong success.

But it’s helpful to take a step back and observe all the positive things your teens do, no matter how small those things might be.

If you notice your teens studying hard on a Friday night or making their bed before school, acknowledge it. Descriptive praise is a proven way to motivate teens.

Even if your teens don’t seem to care about your opinion, rest assured that they actually do.

Teens crave approval from the trusted adults in their lives, but sometimes they give up trying if they think they’re never going to get that approval.

11. Set a positive example for your teen

Your teens are constantly observing what you say and do. So set a good example for them.

If your teens see that you’re committed to personal development, they’ll be more likely to develop positive habits too.

And if your teens observe that you’re kind, respectful, hardworking, and responsible?

That’s right — they’ll be more likely to develop these qualities, too.

Here are some ways to set a positive example for your teens:

Be generous
Be grateful
Volunteer
Embrace challenges
Take care of your physical and mental health
Apologise when you’ve made a mistake

12. Don’t compare your teen with others

You know your teens are capable. But when you learn that your neighbour’s children are getting better grades or that your niece won a scholarship to a top-tier university, you might find yourself comparing your teens with them.

But doing this is detrimental to the parent-teen relationship. Plus, comparison hurts your teens’ self-esteem and can even lead to resentment towards you.

Focus on encouraging your teens and following the other parenting tips in this article, and you’ll be on the right track.

13. Stay involved in your teen’s life, but respect his/her privacy

It’s crucial to understand what’s going on in your teens’ lives.

If they’re engaging in harmful behaviour or hanging out with bad company, you’ll want to know so you can guide them to make better decisions.

The best way to keep up with what’s going on in your teen’s life isn’t to read her diary or invade her personal space.

Instead, stay present and engaged with your teens. Communicate with them. Do things with them that they enjoy. Listen to them when they complain or vent their frustrations.

When you show your teenagers that you respect their freedom and privacy, they’ll be more likely to come to you when they have problems.

14. Encourage self-care

It’s important for teens to do their best to learn effectively and get good grades, but it’s also important that they lead a balanced life.

Teach your teenagers that sleep, nutrition, and exercise will improve their quality of life. If they don’t feel good physically, you’ll have a hard time motivating your teens to do anything productive.

Appropriate self-care will also enable them to focus and do more meaningful things with their time.

Help your teens to learn positive ways to cope with stress and anxiety. They’ll then mature into healthy adults who know how to take care of themselves and do things for the benefit of others too. (Here’s a detailed article about how to help teens with anxiety.)

15. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable

Finally, remember to show your teens that you’re human, too.

The perfect parent doesn’t exist! It’s okay to make mistakes while parenting your teens.

Rather than pretend like you have everything figured out, demonstrate vulnerability.

Ask for forgiveness when you mess up. Show your teen that life isn’t about perfection, but instead, it’s always about learning and growing.

Conclusion

Parenting teens is hard work, but I’m confident that you’ll do a great job as you apply the tips in this article.

Keep doing your best, and you’ll set your teenagers up for lifelong success and happiness.

Want a step-by-step system to help your teens become motivated and responsible — guaranteed?

FREE E-BOOK: Get your copy of 16 Keys to Motivating Your Teenager. The e-book has already been downloaded by many thousands of parents, so don't miss out!

What Is Educational Coaching? 10 Ways It Can Help Your Teen Today

Updated on November 15, 2021 By Daniel Wong Leave a Comment

You might be familiar with the concept of tutoring, but what about educational coaching?

More than a buzzword, educational coaching is a unique approach to empowering teens to make the most of their potential.

It can dramatically improve your teens’ performance and put them on the right track to reach their academic goals and more.

What is coaching in education?

Think about what a sports coach does.

Let’s say that your children join a basketball team. There are numerous skills your kids must learn, like how to dribble, pass, and shoot.

A great basketball coach wouldn’t just teach these individual skills and nothing else — the team would never win any games!

Instead, the best coaches understand the value of a holistic approach, where the players are motivated and self-driven, and understand how they should operate in the context of a team.

The same is true of an educational coach.

Educational coaches don’t just teach students the subjects they’re struggling with or force them to memorise math formulas.

Instead, educational coaches teach students how to learn. They enable students to become self-motivated, focused, and proactive.

As a result, not only will your teens discover the value of education, they’ll also gain the fundamental skills and character traits they need for long-term success.

Let’s take a closer look at educational coaching and how it can benefit your teens today.

FREE E-BOOK: Get your copy of 16 Keys to Motivating Your Teenager. The e-book has already been downloaded by many thousands of parents, so don't miss out!

What is educational coaching?

Educational coaching helps students become better learners by motivating them to solve their problems in an encouraging and empowering environment.

Rather than prioritising a particular outcome (e.g. get a good grade in a certain subject), educational coaching focuses on the process of how to become a self-driven and independent learner.

Through this process, students achieve sustainable and lasting success — both inside and outside of the classroom.

What is the difference between coaching and tutoring?

Educational coaching and tutoring might sound similar, but there are key differences between these two approaches.

Let’s take a look at these two models in education, so you can choose the right one for your teen.

Tutoring

Do your teens struggle with getting good grades in a couple of specific subjects, despite their hard work?

They’re putting in a lot of effort, but they just can’t master quadratic equations.

Or maybe, no matter how hard they study, they can’t seem to do well on their English exams.

In these examples, you might consider engaging a tutor.

A tutor is typically someone who is skilled in a specific subject, like math or English. A tutor would work with your teen to achieve an outcome-related goal, such as passing the next exam.

If your teen has an excellent learning attitude but is struggling with one particular subject, then tutoring might be helpful.

But if your teen lacks focus and intrinsic motivation, then tutoring isn’t going to help.

This is where educational coaching comes in…

Educational coaching

Parents regularly come to me and say things like:

“My teen is smart, but he doesn’t work hard and he gets bad grades.”
“My teen constantly complains about school. I feel like I’m always nagging her to study!”

If this sounds like the situation you’re in, don’t worry — you’re not alone.

Problems like these are all too common, but there’s good news:

Educational coaching can equip your teens with the mindset and skills they need to succeed in school and beyond.

Unlike tutoring, educational coaching walks your teens through the process of developing intrinsic motivation and cultivating the right learning attitude.

Your teen will learn how to learn, no matter what the subject.

Rather than focusing too much on grades, educational coaching is a collaborative, process-oriented approach that will enable your teen to become more motivated, focused, and disciplined.

Naturally, your teen’s grades will improve too!

How does an educational coach help teens?

The power of educational coaching is that it equips your teens with the skills they need for success long after they graduate from school.

Let’s take a closer look at the top 10 benefits of one-to-one educational coaching for your teen:

1. Cultivate inner motivation and drive in your teen

Do your teenagers procrastinate on their homework and assignments?

When they finally sit down to study, do they get easily distracted?

It’s not easy to cultivate long-term motivation and drive — especially when your teen isn’t inspired to complete the task at hand.

Educational coaching helps students to cultivate important traits like:

Perseverance
Hard work
Focus
Discipline
Confidence

2. Help your teen to understand the importance of education

Do your teenagers struggle to understand why they need to learn history or geography?

Do they complain about having to memorise pointless facts — ones they’re confident they’ll never use in the future?

When we don’t understand why we’re learning something, it’s easy to get frustrated. That’s why process-oriented learning is so vital.

It shifts the focus from the outcome (memorising a set of facts) to the process of learning (finding joy in understanding concepts, developing new skills, mastering the material, etc.).

Educational coaching is a powerful method to instill in your teen the value of lifelong learning.

3. Guide your teen to set meaningful goals that he or she feels inspired to work toward

Some students enjoy planning for the future. Other students get overwhelmed by the thought of doing such planning.

Educational coaching helps your teens to develop short- and long-term goals that are meaningful and inspiring.

Rather than relying on temporary motivation to get things done, your teens will develop a sense of purpose and will set process-based goals they’ll want to work toward.

4. Enable your teen to eliminate negative attitudes and limiting beliefs

Limiting beliefs are false beliefs that stop us from pursuing our goals.

If your teen has a negative attitude toward school, it could be due to a limiting belief. For example, let’s say that your teen keeps getting bad grades on his English essays. He might start to internalise a limiting belief like:

“I’m just a bad writer, so there’s no point trying to improve.”

In reality, your teen might be a decent writer — he just needs to learn how to better structure his essays.

With the right educational coach, your teens will learn how to overcome negative thinking with science-backed techniques, so they can make the most of their potential.

5. Teach your teen responsibility and respect

Do you feel like your teenager doesn’t show you much respect?

Every parent wants to teach their children the value of respect, which will lead to a more harmonious family life.

After all, it’s frustrating to be continually arguing with your children when you just want what’s best for them!

Educational coaching teaches students responsibility and respect by equipping them to invest in their own personal development.

This is done in an empowering environment where the student feels supported, heard, and valued.

When your teenagers feel like they’re in control of their lives and their opinions matter, they’ll become more responsible and respectful, both at school and at home.

6. Build resilience in your teen

It’s not about the goal. It’s about growing to become the person that can accomplish that goal. – Tony Robbins

Academic success is a worthwhile goal to work toward, especially if students want to pursue scholarships or higher education.

But what’s even more important than getting good grades?

The character traits, mindset, and skills your teens will develop along the way to accomplishing their goals.

Resilience is the ability to work through life’s difficulties with determination — and it’s definitely a crucial life skill to develop.

Educational coaching provides students with the guidance and support they need to persevere through challenges, build resilience, and develop a growth mindset.

7. Teach your teen proven techniques to learn information effectively

Homework. Extra-curricular activities. Chores. Social engagements.

It’s hardly any wonder that most teenagers feel like there aren’t enough hours in the day!

Fortunately, getting good grades isn’t about studying more. It’s about studying smarter.

I’ve spent countless hours reading the best articles and research journals to discover how to study more effectively.

These are the tactics I used to get straight A’s throughout my formal education — and the proven techniques I now teach students in my one-to-one educational coaching sessions.

8. Provide step-by-step systems so your teen will prioritise tasks and manage time more effectively

I know I just said that students today are juggling a myriad of responsibilities.

Your teens might feel overwhelmed by their packed schedule, and I don’t want to downplay how much they have on their plate.

At the same time, I also want to say this:

We all get the same 24 hours in a day.

Some students know how to effectively manage their time and prioritise tasks, while others lack the step-by-step systems necessary to be as productive as possible.

I slept eight hours a night and still graduated from Duke University with a GPA of 3.98/4.0. I don’t say this to boast, really! I just want to show you that it’s possible to lead a balanced life while doing well in school.

The key is to implement the time management strategies that I share with my clients in my one-to-one educational coaching sessions.

9. Teach your teen test-taking strategies for less stress and better grades

It’s not a secret that tests are a significant part of your teenager’s life.

Yet many hardworking students underperform in exams due to anxiety, careless mistakes, and a lack of test-taking skills.

There are powerful test-taking strategies your teenager can use to start doing better on tests today.

An excellent place to start is my complete guide to taking tests and exams. For additional help, educational coaching is the best approach.

After all, nothing beats personalised support catered to your teenager’s individual needs and challenges.

10. Empower your teen to improve focus and overcome distractions

We live in an increasingly distracted world.

Statistics on teenagers and social media addiction are worrying, with 57% of teens saying that social media distracts them from homework.

Over time, these statistics will only become more worrying!

Through educational coaching, your teens will:

Eliminate distractions
Improve focus
Create an effective daily plan
Stop feeling unmotivated and overwhelmed
Pre-commit to the healthy behaviours they want to engage in

Here’s the thing…

Distractions and technology aren’t going anywhere. But with the right support through one-to-one educational coaching, your teenager will develop healthy habits and routines, and become an effective student.

Wondering if educational coaching will work for your teen?

If you’re interested in taking the next step, you can learn more about my one-to-one coaching programme for teens here.

(You can also read about my coaching clients’ success stories here.)

I’d love to personally coach your teenager to become motivated, focused, responsible, and resilient!

FREE E-BOOK: Get your copy of 16 Keys to Motivating Your Teenager. The e-book has already been downloaded by many thousands of parents, so don't miss out!