How to Handle an Angry Teen: 20 Strategies You Can Deploy Today

Updated on May 17, 2022 By Daniel Wong Leave a Comment

Dealing with an angry teen is like standing in the middle of a hurricane.

What’s the best way to deal with the situation?

Should you match your teenagers’ anger with your anger? Should you threaten them with the loss of privileges?

Or should you give in and hope they won’t blow up again?

Over the years, I’ve spoken to and worked with over 20,000 teenagers. This means that I’ve also interacted with many confused and frustrated parents.

Teens’ anger isn’t something you can prevent or control. But how you respond to it is something you can control.

Here are 20 strategies to help you navigate these challenging situations.

(Download the free PDF below to learn 5 bonus strategies.)

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1. Remember the “boiling kettle” analogy

When your teen is angry, think of the “boiling kettle” analogy.

When a kettle boils, steam comes out of the spout. But the steam is just a “symptom” of the water boiling.

To stop the steam from coming out, you need to turn off the fire.

Similarly, your teen’s anger is a symptom too. It’s the visible part of something deeper that is causing your teen’s problematic behaviour.

In the boiling kettle analogy, it’s the fire that’s the “root cause” of the steam.

It’s the same with your teen. So don’t focus on the anger itself. Instead, find the root cause of the anger:

Does your teen feel unloved?
Does your teen feel neglected?
Is your teen suffering from body image issues?
Is your teen a victim of bullying?
Is your teen struggling with anxiety?

(The list of questions above isn’t exhaustive.)

Your teen can learn anger management techniques. But if the underlying issues aren’t addressed, then the anger problem will persist.

2. Remember that your teen’s behaviour isn’t a reflection of your competence as a parent

The teenage years are a difficult time for your child.

Huge hormonal changes are taking place and – at the same time – your child’s brain is changing rapidly.

Many parents take their teenager’s behaviour personally. They may feel guilty and may feel as if they’ve messed up as parents. They may start obsessing over the mistakes they’ve made as parents.

But it’s important to remember that even if there was such a thing as a perfect parent (which there isn’t), no child would turn out perfect.

The physical changes taking place inside your teenager would still create at least some turmoil.

Of course, your teenager’s anger may be directed at you. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re a bad parent.

Try to look at the situation objectively.

As an adult, you have inner resources that your teenager doesn’t. You have more control over your emotions, which means that you have the ability to defuse a heated situation.

It will often seem as though your teenager is verbally assaulting you. But this is where you need to exercise self-control.

Instead of reacting violently to your teenager’s anger, see her anger as a cry for help.

Teenagers haven’t yet learned how to manage their emotions. Instead of asking for help, they often bottle up their emotions until they explode in an angry outburst.

This can be triggered by a combination of school-related pressure, friendship issues, and an emotionally unsafe home environment.

3. Hear your teen out, even if he or she is sharing negative feelings

When teens share their thoughts and feelings, much of what they say may be negative.

For example, they may complain about their teachers, or about how much homework they’re getting, or about certain school rules.

Your teen’s view of the situation might be imbalanced, but refrain from interrupting him.

Your teen wants to know that you’re trying to understand how he feels about the situation. This means you need to put aside your own views for a while and listen to your teen.

Resist the temptation to correct your teen and tell him how he should view the situation. Try not to minimise the situation by moralising or by informing him that “that’s life”.

If you cast judgment, your teen will be less likely to share his feelings with you in the future. This would be damaging in the long run, because – during the teenage years – it’s vital to keep the lines of communication open.

The less your teen shares with you about his life, the harder it becomes for you to influence him. It will then become harder to coach your teen through the challenges ahead.

4. Explain the concept of cognitive distortions to your teen

Cognitive distortions are ways in which our minds convince us of something that isn’t true.

They are inaccurate thoughts about ourselves and the world around us. They often reinforce our negative thinking or emotions.

There are 15 common cognitive distortions and you can read about them here.

In this section, I’m going to describe three prevalent ones:

Filtering. This is when a person takes negative events and magnifies them. At the same time, they filter out the positive aspects of the situation.
Polarised thinking. This is when a person sees situations in extremes. Things are either black or white, with no middle ground between the two.
Overgeneralisation. This is where a single event is used to form a general conclusion. When something bad happens once, the person concludes that the bad thing will happen again in the future.

When we get angry, it’s almost always due to a cognitive distortion.

Try explaining this to your teenager. When she realises this, it will help her to manage her anger by looking at the situation through another lens.

In addition, as a parent, you may find it useful to refer to this brief summary of cognitive distortions that result in anger, created by Corner Canyon Counseling and Psychological Services.

Through understanding the various cognitive distortions that exist, your teenager will become aware of her flawed habits of thinking that she needs to change.

5. Don’t threaten your teen

When your teen becomes angry, you may feel tempted to use threats as a way of calming him down.

For example, you might say: “If you don’t calm down now, I’m going to take away your phone.”

Or you might say: “If you don’t stop shouting, you’ll be grounded for a month.”

But this approach won’t work in the long run.

If you use threats, your teen will resent you. Threats may work in the short term, but in the long term, they will damage the relationship you have with your teen.

What’s more, threats do nothing to resolve the anger issue.

Your teen’s anger is not just a behavioural problem. It’s a sign that something is wrong, that some emotional need is not being met.

6. Explain to your teen how he or she can express anger in an appropriate way

There’s no point in doing this while your teenager is still angry.

Wait until the episode has passed and your teenager is calm and relaxed.

Explain to her that all feelings are acceptable, but not all behaviours are acceptable. Explain to her that it’s okay to feel angry, and that there’s no need to feel guilty about it.

Share with her that there are ways to express anger without hurting others.

Teach your teenager how to recognise the signs that she’s on the verge of a meltdown:

Clenched jaw
Headache
Increase in heart rate
Sweaty palms
Dizziness

Tell your teenager that when she’s angry, she doesn’t need to act on her feelings right away.

Ask your teenager to practise counting to ten slowly, or to try this breathing exercise:

Breathe in for four counts
Hold your breath for four counts
Breathe out for four counts

7. Discuss family rules related to expressing anger

When the situation has passed and everyone is calm, schedule a discussion about how everyone in the family will express their anger.

During the family discussion, decide on the boundaries your family will commit to.

Come to a consensus that these rules will apply to everyone in the family, including you as a parent.

For example, your family might decide that it’s not acceptable to:

Break things
Use vulgarities
Engage in name-calling
Storm off in the middle of a conversation
Slam the door
Kick or throw furniture around

This is a good opportunity to talk about the difference between feeling angry and being aggressive.

Make sure that everyone is on the same page with regard to the rules. You might find it helpful to write down the rules and put them somewhere visible, such as on the fridge door.

8. Call a timeout if the situation becomes heated

When a situation with your teen becomes heated, try calling a “timeout”. In fact, calling a timeout can be part of the family rules that we just talked about.

When tempers are flaring, there’s no point in allowing the situation to escalate further.

For example, you could say: “We’re both getting angry, so let’s please take a break. How about we discuss this again after dinner?”

If your teen persists in arguing, try to disengage. After all, conflicts are never resolved when the parties involved have lost their cool.

9. Keep the lines of communication with your teen open

Remember that one of the most important things you can do as a parent is to keep the lines of communication open.

Of course, this is easier said than done when you have an angry teenager on your hands.

Refrain from casting judgment, jumping to conclusions, or lecturing your teenager. If your teenager is angry, it means that he needs empathy (as discussed in Strategy #3).

Ask for your teenager’s opinion. Encourage him to share his point of view. Seek to understand his perspective.

By keeping the lines of communication open, your teenager will eventually share his feelings. As such, you’ll be able to get to the root of the issue.

10. Find a win-win (or at least no-lose) solution to every conflict

When dealing with any conflict with your teen, try to find a win-win solution.

Avoid an outcome where your teen feels that you won and she lost. Such outcomes will lead to your teen becoming even angrier.

For example, when setting boundaries related to curfew timings, phone usage, or screen time, be willing to negotiate with your teen.

This way, she will feel that she has a part to play in developing the solution. She won’t be resentful if she feels that she was involved in the process of setting the boundary.

Adult life involves plenty of compromise and negotiation, so this is a good opportunity to enable your teen to develop this life skill.

The solution you both agree on may be a compromise between what you want and what your teen wants. But if you can both live with it, it’s better than creating a rule that you simply impose by force.

11. Reach out to your teen’s teachers

If your teenager is becoming aggressive, reach out to his teachers. Let them know what you’ve observed about your teenager at home.

Your teenager’s teachers may have information to share that will help you understand why he is acting out.

Could it be that he is being ostracised by his classmates?

Maybe he is hanging out with bad company?

Or perhaps he is struggling to keep up with his schoolwork?

Your teenager’s teachers may be able to help you figure out why your teenager is being aggressive at home.

12. Model for your teen how to manage anger effectively

If your teen sees you losing your temper frequently, it will be hard for her to learn how to handle her anger.

Family life sometimes involves moments of conflict and anger. But when you get angry with a family member, model for your teen how to resolve the conflict peacefully.

Research shows that children who observe their parents having mild conflicts and resolving those conflicts display higher levels of emotional intelligence later on.

This principle applies to your relationship with your teen too. If you’ve lost your temper at your teen, apologise to her and make amends.

Many parents find it hard to apologise to their children. Some parents think that apologising is an act of weakness, or that it implies that they lack authority.

But this isn’t true.

When you offer a genuine apology to your teen, you’re modelling accountability. You’re showing your teen the importance of taking responsibility for your actions.

You’re also displaying humility, which will earn your teen’s respect.

13. Do something together with your teen that he or she enjoys

When your teenager displays anger at home, you may feel a need to deal with the issue right away.

But most of the time, this isn’t the best approach. For a start, take the focus away from the anger issue altogether.

Go and do something fun with your teenager. Watch a movie, go for a hike, visit an amusement park, or go bowling.

These activities will allow you to build a connection with your teenager. In turn, this will make it easier to understand the issues behind your teenager’s anger.

But if you keep trying to address the anger issue directly, you may end up backing your teenager into a corner.

She may start to feel that you view her as a problem that needs to be fixed, which will exacerbate the situation.

So spend meaningful time with your teenager and work on the relationship first.

14. Help your teen identify the triggers that set him or her off

Teens often lack awareness as to what triggers their emotional responses.

So it’s helpful to encourage your teen to reflect on what kinds of comments or situations trigger his anger.

Is it when someone makes a comment about his appearance or abilities? Or is it when he feels as if his character is being called into question?

Through this process of reflection, your teen will become more self-aware.

This self-awareness will allow him to identify the deeper issues that spark his anger. He can then begin to work on these issues in an intentional way.

15. Don’t treat your teen as a child

As children develop into teenagers, parents often struggle to adjust their parenting methods.

If you’re not careful, you might still be treating your teenager as if she’s a child, when she’s actually on the cusp of adulthood.

But there’s a powerful force at work in your teenager, which is urging her to develop her own identity. It’s pushing her toward independence, even if you might not think she’s ready for it.

If you keep talking to your teenager as you did when she was a child, she will likely rebel and display more anger.

Instead, try seeing your teenager as an adult who lacks experience. This will enable you to shift from being an authority figure to being a coach and mentor to your teenager.

This shift is vital if you want your teenager to make the most of her potential and overcome her anger issues.

16. Help your teen to develop problem-solving skills

Anger in teens often arises when they are confronted with a problem and can’t think of a constructive way to deal with it.

The problem can take many different forms:

A project team member who is not pulling his weight and is leaving your teen to do all the work
Classmates who are gossiping about your teen
A teacher who picks on your teen
Your teen being unable to stay on top of his schoolwork

If your teen lacks problem-solving skills, he may start to feel helpless. As a result, he may lash out in anger.

So I encourage you to teach your teen the steps of problem-solving:

Identify the problem
Think of at least 2 to 3 possible solutions
Evaluate each possible solution based on advantages and disadvantages
Choose a solution
Implement the solution
Reflect on how things turned out and what lessons you learned

When your teen is equipped with these problem-solving skills, he will feel more confident when confronted with a challenge.

Instead of feeling discouraged and frustrated, your teen will take positive steps toward overcoming the problem.

17. Develop family rules about screen time

If your teenager is aggressive, screen time might be a key contributing factor.

Too much screen time results in teenagers who are “wired and tired” – they’re agitated but exhausted at the same time.

Here are three ways that excessive screen time can lead to increased aggression in teenagers:

Suppression of melatonin. Melatonin is a sleep-inducing hormone that gets released at night. But the light emitted by the screens of various electronic devices mimics daylight. This suppresses the release of melatonin and affects your sleep.
Over-reliance on dopamine. Dopamine is a feel-good chemical released by your brain. Too much screen time causes the release of excessive amounts of dopamine. This creates a need in your teenager for ever-increasing levels of stimulation.
Overloading the sensory system. Screen time depletes your teenager’s mental resources, making her unable to process what’s happening around her. To cope with this, your teenager may become prone to angry outbursts.

These factors can lead to a state of stress and unease in your teenager, which further affects her ability to manage her anger.

Similar to what we talked about under Strategy #7, it’s crucial that you lead a discussion about family rules related to screen time.

For example, you might decide that – as a family – you…

Will not use electronic devices during mealtimes
Will not have a TV in your home
Will create a daily schedule for when you will have screen time
Will charge your electronic devices in the living room (not the bedroom) every night
Will not have any screen time within 1 hour of bedtime

18. Get help for your teen

As we’ve already discussed in this article, recurring episodes of anger is a clear sign that something deeper is going on with your teen.

Identifying the deeper issue isn’t always straightforward.

It’s necessary to take a holistic approach that investigates factors related to your teen’s physical, mental, and emotional well-being.

Parent-teen relationships are complicated. As the parent, you’re often too involved to be able to assess the situation objectively.

(I’m a parent of two myself, so I know this for a fact!)

Getting a neutral third party – who is also a professional – involved is often a key turning point, which results in your teen’s positive transformation.

I work with teens 1-to-1 to help them work through their anger issues. I also empower them to become motivated, responsible and resilient.

I encourage you to get help for your teen today before the situation worsens.

19. Don’t focus on winning the argument

As a parent, you’re used to being the authority figure in your home. It’s natural that you don’t want to lose face.

In an argument with your teenager, you may feel as if you have to win in order to maintain your position of authority.

But if you focus on winning the argument with your teenager, you may end up winning the battle but losing the war.

If your teenager always comes away from arguments feeling that he has lost, he will eventually stop talking to you about his problems.

Your teenager will start to resent you, which will fuel even more anger in him.

20. Aim to achieve the “5:1 ratio” in your relationship with your teen

Research has shown that for a healthy marriage, there is typically a ratio of at least five positive interactions for every negative interaction.

Having worked with teens for years, I’ve observed that this principle applies in the parent-teen relationship too.

Ensure that your positive interactions with your teen far outweigh the negative ones.

When your teen displays anger, remember that anger is often a symptom of low self-esteem.

The teenage years are difficult ones, and your teen is still trying to develop her own identity. As such, she probably struggles with some – if not many – self-esteem issues.

This is why it isn’t a good idea to continually criticise your teen. No adult likes to be criticised all the time either!

If you express constant disapproval of your teen, it will undermine her self-esteem. She’ll then become even angrier.

You may observe many things about your teen’s attitude and behaviour that warrant correction.

But remember the 5:1 ratio.

Ask yourself these questions:

Will it help the situation if I criticise my teen?
Is this a battle worth fighting, or can I let it go?
Is there a gentler way that I can address the issue?

So be sparing with your criticism, but be generous with your appreciation, kind words, and empathy.

Conclusion

Dealing with teenage anger is a complex issue.

It requires various parenting skills, including the ability to listen, empathise, and understand the underlying reason that your teen is angry.

It also requires that your teen develops the tools he or she needs to overcome the anger issue.

These tools include:

Understanding cognitive distortions
Becoming more aware of what triggers his or her anger
Acquiring problem-solving skills

If you get help for your teen and apply the strategies in this article, I’m confident that the situation will improve tremendously.

So don’t lose hope!

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7 Ways to Support Your Child’s Mental Health

Updated on April 11, 2022 By Daniel Wong 3 Comments

Note from Daniel: This is a guest post by John Lim.

When I was 2, my sister was born.

I reacted to her birth by hiding in my toy car the whole night and refusing to come out.

Why?

Because I was jealous of all the attention that my sister was getting. I felt sad that no one seemed to care about me.

It doesn’t matter if your child is 2 or 22 – it can sometimes be hard for him to express how he feels.

As a parent, this can be challenging and frustrating for you.

After all, how can you support your child’s mental health if he doesn’t talk about how he feels?

Mental health isn’t just about psychological and emotional problems. It’s also about psychological and emotional well-being.

So in this article, we’ll focus on the positive aspects of your child’s mental health – resilience, optimism, and well-being.

Here are 7 tips that I trust you’ll find useful.

FREE E-BOOK: Get your copy of 16 Keys to Motivating Your Teenager. The e-book has already been downloaded by many thousands of parents, so don't miss out!

1. Understand the signs that your child is struggling.

Train yourself to be attuned to your child’s emotional needs.

Every child exhibits different signs when they’re struggling. For example, when I struggled emotionally as a child, I became quiet. I wouldn’t say a word to anyone about my problems.

Over time, my parents noticed that whenever I was quiet, something was probably wrong.

They would then give me the space I needed to work through the problem.

Knowing what signs your child exhibits when she’s going through a hard time is a good way to understand her better.

Here are some of the common signs:

Your child isn’t as talkative as she used to be.
Your child is more withdrawn.
Your child doesn’t want to spend time with her friends.
Your child frequently says that he or she hates school.
Your child isn’t excited by the things that used to bring her joy, e.g. games, sports, music, art, reading, family outings.
Your child’s mood fluctuates. One moment, she might be angry or explosive, then a short while later she might be sad or distressed.

To understand your child better, ask yourself these questions:

When was the last time she struggled psychologically and emotionally?
How did she behave during that period of time?
What did I do that helped the situation?
How did she respond to my help?

2. Spend quality time with your child.

There are no shortcuts. If you want to understand your child, you need to spend time with him.

In Carl Honoré’s In Praise of Slow, he talks about how his life was transformed one night when he was reading bedtime stories to his child.

The title of the book was One-Minute Bedtime Stories.

He realised that in his pursuit of being more productive and getting more done, he had treated time with his child as just another task he had to complete.

Hence the bedtime stories that each took only one minute to read.

Like most parents, you’re probably really busy. But ask yourself this question: “Why am I so busy?”

Yes, you’re busy working hard to provide for your family. But if you can’t spend any quality time with your child, is there a point to your busyness?

I encourage you to organise an outing with your child. Go for a hike or have a meal. Play a board game.

The point is to be intentional about it.

Here are some tips that you might find helpful:

Schedule in regular family meals.

Be serious about having meals together as a family. If you don’t put it in your calendar, it’s probably not going to happen.

Treat family mealtimes as sacred. Don’t let anything get in the way of you being present for these meals.

Set fixed boundaries related to work and family.

Have you ever checked the time at work and thought to yourself: “It’s 6 p.m. already?! I haven’t got enough work done for the day!”

At these moments, you have a choice.

You can carry on with your work, or you can shut down your computer and go home to be with your family.

Being with your family means being physically and emotionally present.

After all, work is infinite – there’s always more work you could do, no matter how much work you do today.

On the other hand, time is finite. If you don’t make time to spend with your children now, before you know it they’ll be all grown up.

Put your phone away.

When I’m out with my family for dinner, I leave my phone at home. That’s because I want to give them the attention they deserve.

You might think that leaving your phone at home sounds extreme. But I encourage you to give it a try – you might just decide that you’ll make it a habit.

And when you’re with your children, put your phone on airplane mode. This way, you won’t get distracted by messages, calls or notifications.

At the end of the day, you need to ask yourself: “How important are my children to me?”

If they’re important to you, make time to build a stronger relationship with them.

3. Be with your child; don’t do for your child.

Your child may be your child.

But she’s also growing up. She’s figuring out how to do things on her own. She’s gaining a sense of independence and autonomy.

If your child is going through a rough time, it might be tempting for you to jump in and fix the problem.

But this won’t be beneficial for your child’s mental health in the long run.

Mental health is like a muscle that’s built over time. Helping your child today won’t always help your child tomorrow.

Instead, let her try to resolve the problem herself. This will help her grow in her ability to bounce back from setbacks.

For example, if your child fails a test, don’t ask the teacher why his grading was so strict.

Instead, ask your child what she learned from the experience, and understand her feelings about the situation. Help her to decide what she can do differently next time.

In general, before taking any action, talk to your child and understand her perspective on the situation. Tell her that you’re there for her.

It’s vital that you show her that you’ll give her all the support she needs.

But it’s even more vital that you stop yourself from fixing the problem for her.

4. Model for your child emotional first aid

When you fall down and get a cut, you put on a bandage.

When you suffer a cut emotionally, do you have the emotional equivalent of a bandage?

Your child suffers emotional cuts when…

He fails an exam he studied hard for.
He gets betrayed by his friends.
He doesn’t make it to the basketball team because he isn’t good enough.
He gets scolded harshly by his teacher in front of the whole class.

Clinical psychologist Guy Winch coined the term “emotional first aid”.

He notes that “whilst every household has a medicine cabinet full of bandages, ointments and pain relievers for treating basic physical maladies, we have no such medicine cabinet for the minor psychological injuries we sustain in daily life”.

You can enable your child to build an emotional first-aid kit to help himself when things go wrong.

You can also teach him strategies for self-care on days when nothing seems to be going his way.

Here are some tips that I recommend:

Encourage your child to talk to someone when he’s going through a tough time.
Ask him to write a letter of love to himself. This letter will celebrate his positive qualities and traits.
Encourage him to draw or sketch something.
If he likes writing, give him a diary so he can record his thoughts and feelings.
Encourage him to spend some time in nature.

More importantly, model emotional first aid for your child.

Over dinner, you might share with him about the hard day you had at work and how you felt.

Don’t just talk about what you did to work through the challenges; talk about how you felt too. This will expand your child’s capacity to empathise and to label his own emotions.

You can also adopt healthy habits like regular exercise, getting enough sleep, reading for leisure, etc. to show your child how you improve your own mental well-being.

5. Share your emotions with your child.

To improve your child’s emotional well-being, she needs to be able to identify the emotions that she feels.

This means it’s crucial that – in your family – you go beyond only saying that you feel bad or okay or good.

Increasing the range of vocabulary your child uses to describe her emotions will enable her to better express her feelings.

How can you help your child to increase her range of emotional vocabulary?

I recommend playing a game called “Feelings Scrabble”.

Here’s how the game works.

First, ask your child to say any word that’s related to an emotion. Ask her to explain what the word means, and to share an example of a time when she felt that way.

For example, she might say, “Sad.” Then, you can ask her to share what “sad” means to her and talk about an incident where she felt sad.

Next, it’s your turn to do the same thing. Try using less common words like “shame”, “amusement”, “desperate”, “horrified”, “disturbed”, etc.

In addition, you can increase your child’s emotional vocabulary by talking about your day and how you felt at various points during the day.

I’m not saying that you should be talking about your feelings all the time. But it’s important to show your child that it’s okay to talk about her feelings, and that sometimes it’s okay to not be okay.

What’s not okay is bottling up everything inside you, pretending that everything is fine.

6. Thank your child.

My mother loves to cook for the family.

When my siblings and I were younger, my mother would often write instructions about what we should do for lunch when we got back from school.

She would write a note and put it on the fridge that said something like this:

There’s fish in the container and there’s rice in the pot. Please heat up the food before eating and wash the dishes after your meal. Thanks for doing the washing and eating.

In hindsight, this sounds strange to me.

I mean… shouldn’t it have been expected that my siblings and I wash the dishes after the meal? Why should my mother have needed to thank us for doing something so basic?

But now I appreciate that my mother did this.

You might feel weird about showing appreciation toward your child. But thanking your child for the things he does shows him that you don’t take these things for granted.

It helps him to build his self-esteem and self-confidence too, so don’t shy away from frequently expressing genuine appreciation.

7. Write a letter to your child.

I didn’t do too well for the A-Levels, a major exam I took when I was 18. In fact, the grades for my four main A-Level subjects spelt BBAD.

To me, those were indeed BAD grades!

I was disappointed because I had always wanted to be a doctor. But with those grades, that dream wasn’t going to be realised.

I stopped talking to my parents for some time because I didn’t know how to answer their questions related to my plans for university.

Then one night, I saw a handwritten letter on my desk.

It was from my dad, who encouraged me not to give up. To keep trying. To know that he would always support me no matter what.

That letter meant the world to me!

Sometimes, it might be hard for you to convey your heartfelt emotions to your child face to face. You can try writing a letter to her instead.

Be honest about your feelings regarding what she’s going through. Empathise with her. Let her know that you’ll always be there for her.

Most importantly, celebrate her admirable qualities – not her achievements, but her qualities.

Let her know how much she means to you. Tell her why she’s unique and special.

Celebrate her for who she is, not who you want her to be.

For example, you might write:

Dear Jane,

[State your observation]

Lately, I’ve noticed that you seem quieter than usual. You’ve been coming home later, and your teacher has also told me that you’ve been skipping classes.

[Share how you feel]

I’m worried for you because I don’t know what might happen to you when you stay out so late. I’m also afraid that you might end up being expelled from school.

[Talk about why you’re writing the letter]

I might not fully understand how you feel. But I want you to know that I’m here for you. I also want to use this opportunity to celebrate your qualities, and to tell you how much I love you.

[Celebrate your child’s qualities]

Jane, I admire how you’re so compassionate. It inspires me to see you volunteering to help people with intellectual disabilities. You’ve helped so many of them to lead richer and more fulfilling lives.

I also admire how sacrificial you are when it comes to how you spend your time and what you’re willing to do for your friends and family.

Your heart of service and love is something that stirs me to lead a life that’s focused on the needs of others.

[End by sharing that you’re there for your child]

I love you deeply. You’re my precious daughter, and you’ve always mattered so much to me. If there’s anything I can do to support you better, please let me know.

Love,
Dad

You might not notice an immediate change in your child after you give her this letter.

That’s okay. Don’t expect things to change right away.

But at least your child knows that you’re there for her, and that your love for her is unconditional.

And, for now, that’s enough.

Conclusion

Supporting your child’s mental health isn’t only about focusing on the “problematic” aspects like anxiety, fear, and depression.

It’s also about fostering positive aspects like resilience, optimism, and well-being.

It’s vital that you remind yourself of this truth, as stated by Robert Moorehead: “Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.”

Your child is a gift. A blessing. Someone who – despite the challenges along the parenting journey – takes your breath away.

Remember those moments when you laughed or cried together?

It’s easy to forget those moments, especially when your child is rebellious, angry, stubborn, or disrespectful. But never lose that sense of wonder.

Be with your child. Listen to him. Connect with him.

After all, to support your child’s mental health, it’s connection that matters most.

So invest the time to build and strengthen that connection today!

John Lim is a social worker in Singapore. He was nominated as the Student Social Worker of the Year while he was studying in England. He loves working with young people to help them understand their emotions better. He writes regularly about mental health issues here.

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6 Proven Ways to Make Your Teenager More Responsible

Updated on March 17, 2022 By Daniel Wong 6 Comments

Note from Daniel: This is a guest post by Alyssa Abel.

All parents want their teens to develop into sensible and responsible adults.

That’s obvious, right?

But while parents want their teens to complete their schoolwork and do their chores, it’s up to them what choices they make.

As teenagers, it’s time they make more of their own decisions, but you can still guide them down the right path.

In this article, we’ll discuss 6 ways to make your teenager more responsible.

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Your teenager will never be perfect

First, it’s important to remember that your teenager will never be perfect.

Your teenager won’t always be the perfect example of a focused, kind and diligent person.

On occasion, they’ll choose to hang out with their friends instead of doing their homework. Or they might forget to follow through on their commitments.

But it’s a journey.

The teen years are a trying time. Your teen may look and act more like an adult than ever before, but they aren’t fully developed yet.

This means that their reasoning and decision-making skills are not entirely formed. As such, they won’t always make the choices that you think they should.

You don’t have to be a perfect parent either. You just need to do your best and improve your parenting skills.

Once you banish the idea of perfection, teaching accountability and responsibility becomes simpler.

Are you ready to dive in?

Let’s learn about the 6 approaches to turn your child into a responsible teen.

1. Develop clear expectations collaboratively

Through the course of our lives, we must meet certain expectations.

If you don’t fulfil your responsibilities in school, you won’t be able to get into the school or profession you want.

If you keep missing deadlines at work, you’ll soon find yourself without a job.

This idea applies to relationships and other aspects of life too.

That’s why it’s essential to ensure that your teenager understands what the expectations are.

What must they do? What specific behaviours should they avoid? What consequences will result if they behave irresponsibly?

Think about what you want from your child. He won’t get everything right the first time, so start small.

A good way to approach expectations is to set rules and boundaries together with your teenager. [Read more…]

How to Motivate Your Teenager to Do Better in School: 10 Tips Guaranteed to Work

Updated on March 3, 2022 By Daniel Wong 30 Comments

Do you have trouble motivating your children to study?

It’s a common problem that I see in my coaching work with pre-teens and teens.

I notice that many parents approach this problem in the wrong way.

In this article, I’m going to explain 10 principles for motivating children to do well in school.

FREE E-BOOK: Get your copy of 16 Keys to Motivating Your Teenager. The e-book has already been downloaded by many thousands of parents, so don't miss out!

How NOT to motivate your teenager to do better in school

The first five items on the list below might be things you’ve done in the past, but there’s no reason to get down on yourself about them.

They’re simply common parenting habits that are born from good intentions, but ultimately are not effective motivational tools.

You can start today to become a better listener, less controlling, and more accepting. Let’s take a look at what to avoid going forward.

1. Don’t annoy your children

One of the keys to motivating your children to work hard is not to annoy them.

This may seem odd at first, as we’re used to parents getting annoyed with children, not vice versa.

But relationships are a two-way street, and parents can also annoy children.

If your children are continually upset with you over things you say or do, they will find it hard to listen to you.

You may have some great wisdom to offer them, but your children won’t be receptive to your advice.

Parents often engage in power struggles with their children. For some of us, these are habits we learned from our own childhoods.

But power struggles with your children consume a lot of energy. And that’s energy that could be spent on something more constructive.

Another habit to avoid is making comments that suggest your child isn’t good enough.

This may be something you’re not aware that you do.

It may be very subtle. For example, take the statement: “You’re improving, but I know you can do better.”

On the surface, it sounds like encouragement. But you’re actually telling your child that he or she isn’t good enough.

Or take a statement that begins: “When I was your age…” These kinds of statements usually involve a comparison that leaves your children feeling bad. So avoid making these types of comments.

Another trap that parents fall into is comparing their children with someone else’s. Parents often hope that these comparisons will inspire their children to do better.

Unfortunately, these comments have the opposite effect.

“I hear that John got A’s in all his subjects the last term” may seem like an innocent remark. But it’s a comparison that leaves your child feeling worse about himself or herself.

This is not the way to motivate your children.

Sometimes, parents try to motivate their children by giving them lectures. But lectures tend to make children feel powerless and resentful.

Instead of lecturing your children, discuss the issue with them and ask them what they think. This is much more effective than lecturing them.

Why?

Because it gets them involved, and makes them part of the solution.

2. Don’t use rewards, punishments, or threats

As a parent, it’s tempting to use rewards, punishments or threats to motivate your children to behave in a certain way.

Research has shown this approach doesn’t work in the long term.

There are three reasons in particular that rewards and punishments are to be avoided.

Firstly, rewards and punishments are bad for your relationship with your children.

They teach your children that they’re loved for what they do and not for who they are. Children who grow up unsure that they’re loved for who they are tend to make poor life choices later on.

Secondly, rewards and punishments may get short-term results, but they ignore the underlying issue: Why is your child not motivated?

It’s much better to address the root cause than to use a band-aid approach of rewards and punishments.

Thirdly, rewards and punishments put your children’s focus entirely on outcomes. Your children’s level of motivation is based on the promise of the reward or the threat of the punishment.

Rewards, punishments and threats don’t teach your children how to develop intrinsic motivation. They don’t cultivate in your children a love of learning.

As mentioned earlier in this article, it’s better to focus on the process and not the outcome. This way, your children will develop self-discipline and a sense of responsibility.

So what should you do instead of using rewards and punishments?

Discuss with your children the joy (and benefits) of learning and studying.

Explain to them that most rewarding careers require an investment of time and effort.

But it’s also important to explain to your children that the process itself is rewarding, even though it will involve sacrifices.

Discuss with your children what their hopes and aspirations are.

Help them to dream big and dare to fail – and model for them how you’re doing the same in your own life.

This approach produces the kind of intrinsic motivation and self-discipline that will last a lifetime.

3. Don’t try to control all of their actions

If you want to motivate your children, they need to feel as if they’re in control of their lives.

Being motivated comes from knowing that you can shape your future through the actions you take today.

But if children feel as if their parents are in complete (or almost complete) control, they will have little motivation.

Some parents hover over their children. They micromanage every last detail of their children’s lives.

The result is that the children never develop a sense that they’re responsible for their education and their lives.

By empowering your children, they’ll develop a sense of autonomy and responsibility.

Talk to your children regularly about expectations and consequences.

As a parent, I’m sure you have expectations of your children. For example, you may expect them to keep their room tidy – and there may be consequences for not doing that.

Learning to be responsible in one area (keeping their room tidy) encourages them to be responsible in other areas of life, such as studying.

With this approach, you still need to be involved in your children’s lives. The difference is that instead of hovering and micromanaging, you create boundaries around your involvement.

For example, you can make it clear to your children that you’re available to answer homework-related questions every weeknight between 8 pm and 9 pm.

This way, your children will develop the ability to motivate themselves. They’ll know that they alone are responsible for making sure their homework gets done.

In contrast, consider children whose parents nag them every day to do their homework. Those children won’t develop the ability to motivate themselves.

4. Don’t obsess over the results; emphasise the process instead

The writer Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: “Life is a journey, not a destination.”

This principle applies to study skills and tips as much as it does to life in general.

When motivating your children to do well in school, focus on the process and not the results.

If your children are too focused on results, there’s a danger that when they don’t achieve the results they want, they’ll give up.

What’s more, when we focus only on results, the process becomes a “necessary evil”.

The process becomes something we go through grudgingly because we want a certain result.

But this approach doesn’t encourage a love of learning.

We live in an age when learning is a skill that we need to practise throughout our lives. The world is changing faster than ever before. As such, we all need to be continually learning.

And that’s why it’s important to focus on the process, not the results.

Cultivate in your children a love of learning for its own sake, not just as a means to achieve a goal. At the end of the day, achieving goals is a by-product of the systems and processes that we follow.

For example, as a concert pianist, you may have a goal to play Mozart’s Piano Concerto No. 15 in B-flat major without making a single mistake.

The system or process that makes it possible to reach that goal is how often you practise, how you break down and learn difficult cadenzas, and how you incorporate feedback from your music teacher.

When teaching children how to study and how to motivate themselves, it’s vital that you focus on the process and not the outcome.

5. Don’t reduce your child to a problem that needs to be solved

Pre-teens and teens are going through a lot of changes, both physically and mentally.

It’s also a time when they may start displaying problematic behaviours, such as aggression, mood swings, being argumentative, and defying established rules.

As a parent, it’s natural for these kinds of behaviours to become the centre of your attention – they’re problems that you want to solve.

But it’s actually better not to focus on these behaviours.

Instead, try to understand your children’s perspective:

How do they feel about the situation?
What opinions do they have?

To understand your children better, you’ll need to practise active listening.

Active listening occurs when we give our full attention to what someone is saying.

This means that you aren’t multitasking while your children are talking to you. It means that you aren’t checking your phone or writing a list of things to do.

Active listening means not interrupting your children while they’re talking. It means not judging them or moralising about something they did. It means not offering unsolicited advice.

You can show your children that you’re giving them your full attention by saying things like “go on” and “tell me more”.

Now and again, summarise your understanding of what your children have been saying.

For example, you could say: “It sounds as if there’s a ‘cool’ group of kids in your class, and that you’re feeling excluded by them.”

This indicates to your child that you’re actively listening. It’s also a way of checking that you understand what he or she is saying.

Some parents think that if only they could make their children understand some fundamental principle, the whole problem would disappear.

But often what pre-teens and teens need most is not to understand; they need to feel understood.

When they don’t feel understood, they become defiant.

On the other hand, when they feel understood, it creates a space where they feel safe. And that, in turn, creates an environment where they’re open to looking at the problem in a new light.

How to motivate your teenager to do better in school

Now it’s time to focus on positive behaviour that helps your child feel understood, supported, and encouraged.

Use these strategies to strengthen your connection with your child and teach him or her crucial organisational and planning skills. These healthy habits will help your child in school and beyond.

6. Develop routines and structure

Routines and structure play a crucial role in developing motivation in your children.

Having established routines in family life eliminates a majority of conflicts.

Take homework, for example.

Let’s say you have an established routine that your children do their homework every weeknight between 7 pm and 9 pm.

There won’t be conflicts related to homework, because it’s simply “the way we do things in this family”.

But in a family without routines, ensuring that your children do their homework becomes a daily battle.

Of course, even established routines sometimes need to be reinforced or modified.

For example, now and again you may need to say something like: “When you’ve completed your homework, you can go to Melissa’s house.”

To create a homework routine, it’s a good idea to set up a small part of the house as a study area.

Having a study area that’s free of distractions will help your children develop a homework routine.

It may also help your children if you also devote that period of time to doing your own “homework”. This could be paying bills online, taking an online course, or reading a book to learn about a new topic.

7. Equip your children with planning and organisational skills

As parents, we (hopefully) have planning and organisational skills that we’ve developed over the years.

But we often take these skills for granted, and forget that our children don’t yet have those skills.

Pre-teens and teens can feel overwhelmed, frustrated, and stressed because of the demands they face at school. In response, many of them give up and turn to videos and games as a form of escape.

Some pre-teens and teens might even say they hate school.

But if they have planning and organisational skills, their attitude toward school and academics will be different.

One organisational skill you can teach your children is to break down big tasks into smaller tasks.

Some people call this “chunking down”. This technique makes any task more manageable and doable.

Another skill you can teach your children is list-making. Lists are at the heart of all organisational skills, so this is a great place to start.

You could teach your children how to use a list to pack their bag for a school camp or a school outing.

Planning is another organisational skill that will reduce your children’s stress related to school and exams.

Planning involves placing lists of tasks to be completed within a certain timeframe. This way, your children will learn to complete tasks one by one instead of leaving them until it’s so late that they feel overwhelmed.

For example, if your children have exams coming up, you could teach them how to:

Break down their revision material into a series of tasks
Use a calendar to plan how they’re going to complete those tasks within a set timeframe

8. Create a family culture where it’s OK to make mistakes

We learn more from our failures than we do from our successes.

Thomas Edison made an extraordinary number of unsuccessful attempts at inventing the electric light bulb.

When a reporter asked him how it felt to fail 1,000 times, Edison replied: “I didn’t fail 1,000 times. The light bulb was an invention with 1,000 steps.”

Unfortunately, we live in an age that places enormous emphasis on instant success.

Failure isn’t tolerated. Parents correct their children’s homework to improve their grades. They argue with teachers who try to point out areas where their children need to improve.

Yet making mistakes is an essential part of learning.

We must learn from our mistakes and correct them, much like a ship that frequently adjusts its course to stay on the correct bearing.

If you want to motivate your children to study hard and do well in school, one of the best things you can do is create a family culture where it’s OK to make mistakes.

One way to do this is to share with your children your own mistakes and what you learned from them.

For example, maybe you went to university to study one field and ended up switching to a different field when you started work. By sharing that experience with your children, you’re showing them that they don’t have to get it “right” the first time.

If you want to teach your children to love learning, one thing you should avoid at all costs is focusing too much on their failures.

Instead of criticising them for their failures, help them to identify what they’ve learned from their mistakes.

A study by Stanford University has shown that children who are praised for their effort work harder and give up less easily.

On the other hand, children who are afraid of failure are more likely to become discouraged when they make mistakes. Instead of learning from their mistakes and moving on, they’re likely to give up altogether.

9. Show an interest in all aspects of your children’s lives

One of the keys to motivating your children to do well in school is to show an interest in all aspects of their lives, not just their academics.

If your only concern is how your children are doing in school, they may begin to feel as if they’re being treated as a project instead of as a person.

This can lead to them feeling resentful. And resentment will result in resistance to anything related to studying.

Treat your child as a whole person, not as a project or problem.

Listen to your children when they talk about their interests. Encourage them to get involved in non-school activities, like dance or drama or athletics.

How pre-teens and teens spend their time is crucial to their overall development.

An approach that focuses entirely on studying won’t help your children to develop in a balanced way.

Learning a musical instrument, playing a team sport, and taking an online course on entrepreneurship are all activities that will help your children to develop holistically.

These non-academic activities will give your children a much-needed break from their studies, and will help them to do better as they pursue their long-term academic goals.

10. Help your children to find a mentor

According to research by North Carolina State University, children who have mentors are more likely to become successful.

A mentor is an adult who acts as a role model for your children.

One of the benefits of your children having a mentor is that they will understand a perspective on life from someone who isn’t their parent.

The mentor’s values and attitudes may be similar to yours. But those values will mean more to your children when they’re modelled by someone outside the family.

One reason for this is that children inevitably become accustomed to their parents’ viewpoints and begin to tune their parents out.

Having a mentor is a chance for your children to re-engage with those values, from a fresh perspective.

A mentor can be particularly helpful when there’s an ongoing conflict between parents and children.

In this kind of situation, your children can benefit from having a neutral third party they can turn to. The mentor may help your children to see the issues from a new perspective.

So where can you find a mentor for your children?

A mentor could be:

A sports coach, art teacher or music teacher
A neighbour or family friend
One of your co-workers
Someone who runs a coaching/mentoring programme (I’m not ashamed to say that I fall into this category of people, because it’s extremely rewarding work)

Conclusion

These ten principles will help you to build in your child a deeper motivation to work hard.

Some of these principles, like establishing routines and structure, may take a while to implement. But other tips and principles you can put into practice right away.

For example, you can start practising active listening today.

I’m confident you’ll start seeing positive results.

(Here’s a link where you can explore more tips on how to motivate a teenager.)

Wishing you all the best on this challenging but meaningful journey!

Like this article? Please share it with your friends.

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How to Deal With a Disrespectful Teenager: 10 Tips for Frustrated Parents

Updated on March 23, 2022 By Daniel Wong 163 Comments

Are you dealing with a disrespectful teenager?

Maybe he mutters under his breath when you ask him to do his homework.

Or maybe she slams her room door when you tell her that she can’t go out with her friends.

If so, you’re probably at your wits’ end.

You love your teenagers and you want the best for them.

But you also want them to accept that there are rules in your family, just as there are rules in the outside world.

Don’t be alarmed.

Disrespect towards parents is common as youngsters navigate the waters between childhood and adulthood.

But you can’t deal with disrespect by simply ignoring it. You need a strategy for how to deal with teenage attitude. There are things you need to do, and things you need to avoid doing.

This article explains 10 tips for successfully handling disrespectful and often rebellious teenagers.

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1. Understand the teenage brain

During childhood, there’s tremendous brain development. By age six, 95% of the brain’s structure has already been formed.

Picture it as a sudden development of the wiring of the brain.

The problem is that the new wiring hasn’t yet been connected to the key parts of the brain.

As Molly Edmonds writes, the teenage brain is like an entertainment centre whose components haven’t yet been hooked up.

There are loose wires everywhere. The speaker system hasn’t been connected to the DVD player. And the DVD player hasn’t been configured to work with the TV.

And as for the remote control – it hasn’t even arrived yet!

In this analogy, the remote control is the prefrontal cortex.

That’s the part of the brain that weighs outcomes, forms judgments, and controls impulses and emotions. But in the teenage brain, it hasn’t been properly connected yet.

What does this mean in practice?

It means teenagers can get frustrated easily, with themselves and with external situations. It makes them impulsive and subject to mood swings that you and I don’t experience.

That’s a heady cocktail that can turn teenagers into emotional wrecks.

Understanding that there’s a biological basis for your teenager’s difficult behaviour makes it much easier to deal with.

It helps you to focus on the behaviour rather than the person.

2. Think about the emotional needs underlying the behaviour

When teenagers are disrespectful to their parents, it’s sometimes a sign that they have emotional needs that aren’t being met.

Sometimes the disrespectful behaviour is a way of getting attention.

Other times, it’s an indication that they don’t feel accepted.

Sit down with your teenager and tell her that you’re there for her if she wants to talk about something. Remind her that you love her unconditionally. [Read more…]

Want to Be a Better Parent? Ask Your Children 7 Simple Questions

Updated on June 29, 2020 By Daniel Wong Leave a Comment

As a parent, you want to raise children who are responsible and self-motivated.

You want them to do well in school, and you want them to communicate with you openly.

You also want to build a happy family.

But I’m sure you’ve already realised that you won’t achieve these goals easily.

Along the way, your children may have become disobedient, rebellious or disengaged. (This is especially likely if your children are pre-teens or teens.)

Your home environment may have become tense or even hostile.

If any of this sounds familiar to you, don’t worry. This article will help.

I don’t claim to be a parenting expert — I’m still learning how to raise my two young boys well.

But over the years I’ve spoken to and worked with thousands of pre-teens and teens. As such, I understand how to get through to them.

In this article, I’ll share with you seven simple questions to ask your children, which will help you to reach your parenting goals.

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Enter your email below to download a PDF summary of this article. The PDF contains all the questions found here, plus 3 exclusive bonus questions that you’ll only find in the PDF.

Question #1: “What can I do to be a better parent?”

The simplest way to become a better parent is to ask your children what they think.

When you ask them Question #1, be prepared for an honest answer.

Your children may point out your flaws.

They may bring up incidents where you were unreasonable or inconsistent.

They may highlight ways in which you haven’t been a good role model.

Is this a scary proposition?

Yes.

But the feedback you get will be invaluable in helping you understand which parenting skills you need to develop. [Read more…]

The 53 Most Positive Things to Say to Your Child

Updated on October 27, 2021 By Daniel Wong 4 Comments

Do you focus on positive things to say to your child, or do you often nag?

If you answered “yes” to the latter, you’re not alone.

You want your children to be responsible and independent.

You want them to be motivated to do well in school.

Since they’re not there yet, you instinctively nag them to correct their behaviour and attitude.

But, at the same time, you realise that all this nagging isn’t working.

Sound familiar?

If so, this article is for you.

I’ve had years of experience working with and speaking to thousands of children and teenagers. So I understand the factors that help them become mature, responsible, and successful.

And one of the most important factors is how their parents talk to them.

The words you speak to your children play on repeat in their minds (even if it feels like your kids aren’t listening to a thing you say). So positive words for your children matter.

Share words of inspiration with your kids and they’ll likely grow into more kind, responsible, and respectful adults.

Plus, the more positive interactions between the parent and child, the less likely it is that the parent will need to nag the child in order to gain compliance.

When you speak words of encouragement to your kids, it’s also more likely that a strong parent-child bond will form.

Think back to your childhood for a moment…

Do you remember any inspiring words from your parents or teachers? Those positive statements helped you become the adult you are today.

In fact, there’s a supposed “magic ratio” of 5 to 1 in healthy relationships: 5 positive expressions of feelings and actions for every negative expression.

In this article, I’ll share with you 53 positive things to say to your child so that — in the long run — you won’t need to nag them anymore!

Before we get to the list of encouraging things to say to your kids, here’s a bonus for you…

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Enter your email below to download a free poster that contains the top 12 positive things to say to your children. You can print out the poster as a daily reminder of the phrases to use.

[Read more…]