7 Ways to Support Your Child’s Mental Health

Updated on September 30, 2021 By Daniel Wong 3 Comments

Note from Daniel: This is a guest post by John Lim.

When I was 2, my sister was born.

I reacted to her birth by hiding in my toy car the whole night and refusing to come out.

Why?

Because I was jealous of all the attention that my sister was getting. I felt sad that no one seemed to care about me.

It doesn’t matter if your child is 2 or 22 – it can sometimes be hard for him to express how he feels.

As a parent, this can be challenging and frustrating for you.

After all, how can you support your child’s mental health if he doesn’t talk about how he feels?

Mental health isn’t just about psychological and emotional problems. It’s also about psychological and emotional well-being.

So in this article, we’ll focus on the positive aspects of your child’s mental health – resilience, optimism, and well-being.

Here are 7 tips that I trust you’ll find useful.

FREE E-BOOK: Get your copy of 16 Keys to Motivating Your Teenager. The e-book has already been downloaded by many thousands of parents, so don't miss out!

1. Understand the signs that your child is struggling.

Train yourself to be attuned to your child’s emotional needs.

Every child exhibits different signs when they’re struggling. For example, when I struggled emotionally as a child, I became quiet. I wouldn’t say a word to anyone about my problems.

Over time, my parents noticed that whenever I was quiet, something was probably wrong.

They would then give me the space I needed to work through the problem.

Knowing what signs your child exhibits when she’s going through a hard time is a good way to understand her better.

Here are some of the common signs:

Your child isn’t as talkative as she used to be.
Your child is more withdrawn.
Your child doesn’t want to spend time with her friends.
Your child frequently says that he or she hates school.
Your child isn’t excited by the things that used to bring her joy, e.g. games, sports, music, art, reading, family outings.
Your child’s mood fluctuates. One moment, she might be angry or explosive, then a short while later she might be sad or distressed.

To understand your child better, ask yourself these questions:

When was the last time she struggled psychologically and emotionally?
How did she behave during that period of time?
What did I do that helped the situation?
How did she respond to my help?

[Read more…]

6 Proven Ways to Make Your Teenager More Responsible

Updated on August 10, 2021 By Daniel Wong 6 Comments

Note from Daniel: This is a guest post by Alyssa Abel.

All parents want their teens to develop into sensible and responsible adults.

That’s obvious, right?

But while parents want their teens to complete their schoolwork and do their chores, it’s up to them what choices they make.

As teenagers, it’s time they make more of their own decisions, but you can still guide them down the right path.

In this article, we’ll discuss 6 ways to make your teenager more responsible.

FREE E-BOOK: Get your copy of 16 Keys to Motivating Your Teenager. The e-book has already been downloaded by many thousands of parents, so don't miss out!

Your teenager will never be perfect

First, it’s important to remember that your teenager will never be perfect.

Your teenager won’t always be the perfect example of a focused, kind and diligent person.

On occasion, they’ll choose to hang out with their friends instead of doing their homework. Or they might forget to follow through on their commitments.

But it’s a journey.

The teen years are a trying time. Your teen may look and act more like an adult than ever before, but they aren’t fully developed yet.

This means that their reasoning and decision-making skills are not entirely formed. As such, they won’t always make the choices that you think they should.

You don’t have to be a perfect parent either. You just need to do your best and improve your parenting skills.

Once you banish the idea of perfection, teaching accountability and responsibility becomes simpler.

Are you ready to dive in?

Let’s learn about the 6 approaches to turn your child into a responsible teen.

1. Develop clear expectations collaboratively

Through the course of our lives, we must meet certain expectations.

If you don’t fulfil your responsibilities in school, you won’t be able to get into the school or profession you want.

If you keep missing deadlines at work, you’ll soon find yourself without a job.

This idea applies to relationships and other aspects of life too.

That’s why it’s essential to ensure that your teenager understands what the expectations are.

What must they do? What specific behaviours should they avoid? What consequences will result if they behave irresponsibly?

Think about what you want from your child. He won’t get everything right the first time, so start small.

A good way to approach expectations is to set rules and boundaries together with your teenager. [Read more…]

How to Motivate Your Teenager to Do Better in School: 10 Tips Guaranteed to Work

Updated on September 30, 2021 By Daniel Wong 28 Comments

Do you have trouble motivating your children to study?

It’s a common problem that I see in my coaching work with pre-teens and teens.

I notice that many parents approach this problem in the wrong way.

In this article, I’m going to explain 10 principles for motivating children to do well in school.

FREE E-BOOK: Get your copy of 16 Keys to Motivating Your Teenager. The e-book has already been downloaded by many thousands of parents, so don't miss out!

How NOT to motivate your teenager to do better in school

The first five items on the list below might be things you’ve done in the past, but there’s no reason to get down on yourself about them.

They’re simply common parenting habits that are born from good intentions, but ultimately are not effective motivational tools.

You can start today to become a better listener, less controlling, and more accepting. Let’s take a look at what to avoid going forward.

1. Don’t annoy your children

One of the keys to motivating your children to work hard is not to annoy them.

This may seem odd at first, as we’re used to parents getting annoyed with children, not vice versa.

But relationships are a two-way street, and parents can also annoy children.

If your children are continually upset with you over things you say or do, they will find it hard to listen to you.

You may have some great wisdom to offer them, but your children won’t be receptive to your advice.

Parents often engage in power struggles with their children. For some of us, these are habits we learned from our own childhoods.

But power struggles with your children consume a lot of energy. And that’s energy that could be spent on something more constructive.

Another habit to avoid is making comments that suggest your child isn’t good enough.

This may be something you’re not aware that you do.

It may be very subtle. For example, take the statement: “You’re improving, but I know you can do better.”

On the surface, it sounds like encouragement. But you’re actually telling your child that he or she isn’t good enough.

Or take a statement that begins: “When I was your age…” These kinds of statements usually involve a comparison that leaves your children feeling bad. So avoid making these types of comments.

Another trap that parents fall into is comparing their children with someone else’s. Parents often hope that these comparisons will inspire their children to do better.

Unfortunately, these comments have the opposite effect.

“I hear that John got A’s in all his subjects the last term” may seem like an innocent remark. But it’s a comparison that leaves your child feeling worse about himself or herself.

This is not the way to motivate your children.

Sometimes, parents try to motivate their children by giving them lectures. But lectures tend to make children feel powerless and resentful.

Instead of lecturing your children, discuss the issue with them and ask them what they think. This is much more effective than lecturing them.

Why?

Because it gets them involved, and makes them part of the solution.

2. Don’t use rewards, punishments, or threats

As a parent, it’s tempting to use rewards, punishments or threats to motivate your children to behave in a certain way.

Research has shown this approach doesn’t work in the long term.

There are three reasons in particular that rewards and punishments are to be avoided.

Firstly, rewards and punishments are bad for your relationship with your children.

They teach your children that they’re loved for what they do and not for who they are. Children who grow up unsure that they’re loved for who they are tend to make poor life choices later on.

Secondly, rewards and punishments may get short-term results, but they ignore the underlying issue: Why is your child not motivated?

It’s much better to address the root cause than to use a band-aid approach of rewards and punishments.

Thirdly, rewards and punishments put your children’s focus entirely on outcomes. Your children’s level of motivation is based on the promise of the reward or the threat of the punishment.

Rewards, punishments and threats don’t teach your children how to develop intrinsic motivation. They don’t cultivate in your children a love of learning.

As mentioned earlier in this article, it’s better to focus on the process and not the outcome. This way, your children will develop self-discipline and a sense of responsibility.

So what should you do instead of using rewards and punishments?

Discuss with your children the joy (and benefits) of learning and studying.

Explain to them that most rewarding careers require an investment of time and effort.

But it’s also important to explain to your children that the process itself is rewarding, even though it will involve sacrifices.

Discuss with your children what their hopes and aspirations are.

Help them to dream big and dare to fail – and model for them how you’re doing the same in your own life.

This approach produces the kind of intrinsic motivation and self-discipline that will last a lifetime.

3. Don’t try to control all of their actions

If you want to motivate your children, they need to feel as if they’re in control of their lives.

Being motivated comes from knowing that you can shape your future through the actions you take today.

But if children feel as if their parents are in complete (or almost complete) control, they will have little motivation.

Some parents hover over their children. They micromanage every last detail of their children’s lives.

The result is that the children never develop a sense that they’re responsible for their education and their lives.

By empowering your children, they’ll develop a sense of autonomy and responsibility.

Talk to your children regularly about expectations and consequences.

As a parent, I’m sure you have expectations of your children. For example, you may expect them to keep their room tidy – and there may be consequences for not doing that.

Learning to be responsible in one area (keeping their room tidy) encourages them to be responsible in other areas of life, such as studying.

With this approach, you still need to be involved in your children’s lives. The difference is that instead of hovering and micromanaging, you create boundaries around your involvement.

For example, you can make it clear to your children that you’re available to answer homework-related questions every weeknight between 8 pm and 9 pm.

This way, your children will develop the ability to motivate themselves. They’ll know that they alone are responsible for making sure their homework gets done.

In contrast, consider children whose parents nag them every day to do their homework. Those children won’t develop the ability to motivate themselves.

4. Don’t obsess over the results; emphasise the process instead

The writer Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: “Life is a journey, not a destination.”

This principle applies to study skills and tips as much as it does to life in general.

When motivating your children to do well in school, focus on the process and not the results.

If your children are too focused on results, there’s a danger that when they don’t achieve the results they want, they’ll give up.

What’s more, when we focus only on results, the process becomes a “necessary evil”.

The process becomes something we go through grudgingly because we want a certain result.

But this approach doesn’t encourage a love of learning.

We live in an age when learning is a skill that we need to practise throughout our lives. The world is changing faster than ever before. As such, we all need to be continually learning.

And that’s why it’s important to focus on the process, not the results.

Cultivate in your children a love of learning for its own sake, not just as a means to achieve a goal. At the end of the day, achieving goals is a by-product of the systems and processes that we follow.

For example, as a concert pianist, you may have a goal to play Mozart’s Piano Concerto No. 15 in B-flat major without making a single mistake.

The system or process that makes it possible to reach that goal is how often you practise, how you break down and learn difficult cadenzas, and how you incorporate feedback from your music teacher.

When teaching children how to study and how to motivate themselves, it’s vital that you focus on the process and not the outcome.

5. Don’t reduce your child to a problem that needs to be solved

Pre-teens and teens are going through a lot of changes, both physically and mentally.

It’s also a time when they may start displaying problematic behaviours, such as aggression, mood swings, being argumentative, and defying established rules.

As a parent, it’s natural for these kinds of behaviours to become the centre of your attention – they’re problems that you want to solve.

But it’s actually better not to focus on these behaviours.

Instead, try to understand your children’s perspective:

How do they feel about the situation?
What opinions do they have?

To understand your children better, you’ll need to practise active listening.

Active listening occurs when we give our full attention to what someone is saying.

This means that you aren’t multitasking while your children are talking to you. It means that you aren’t checking your phone or writing a list of things to do.

Active listening means not interrupting your children while they’re talking. It means not judging them or moralising about something they did. It means not offering unsolicited advice.

You can show your children that you’re giving them your full attention by saying things like “go on” and “tell me more”.

Now and again, summarise your understanding of what your children have been saying.

For example, you could say: “It sounds as if there’s a ‘cool’ group of kids in your class, and that you’re feeling excluded by them.”

This indicates to your child that you’re actively listening. It’s also a way of checking that you understand what he or she is saying.

Some parents think that if only they could make their children understand some fundamental principle, the whole problem would disappear.

But often what pre-teens and teens need most is not to understand; they need to feel understood.

When they don’t feel understood, they become defiant.

On the other hand, when they feel understood, it creates a space where they feel safe. And that, in turn, creates an environment where they’re open to looking at the problem in a new light.

How to motivate your teenager to do better in school

Now it’s time to focus on positive behaviour that helps your child feel understood, supported, and encouraged.

Use these strategies to strengthen your connection with your child and teach him or her crucial organisational and planning skills. These healthy habits will help your child in school and beyond.

6. Develop routines and structure

Routines and structure play a crucial role in developing motivation in your children.

Having established routines in family life eliminates a majority of conflicts.

Take homework, for example.

Let’s say you have an established routine that your children do their homework every weeknight between 7 pm and 9 pm.

There won’t be conflicts related to homework, because it’s simply “the way we do things in this family”.

But in a family without routines, ensuring that your children do their homework becomes a daily battle.

Of course, even established routines sometimes need to be reinforced or modified.

For example, now and again you may need to say something like: “When you’ve completed your homework, you can go to Melissa’s house.”

To create a homework routine, it’s a good idea to set up a small part of the house as a study area.

Having a study area that’s free of distractions will help your children develop a homework routine.

It may also help your children if you also devote that period of time to doing your own “homework”. This could be paying bills online, taking an online course, or reading a book to learn about a new topic.

7. Equip your children with planning and organisational skills

As parents, we (hopefully) have planning and organisational skills that we’ve developed over the years.

But we often take these skills for granted, and forget that our children don’t yet have those skills.

Pre-teens and teens can feel overwhelmed, frustrated, and stressed because of the demands they face at school. In response, many of them give up and turn to videos and games as a form of escape.

Some pre-teens and teens might even say they hate school.

But if they have planning and organisational skills, their attitude toward school and academics will be different.

One organisational skill you can teach your children is to break down big tasks into smaller tasks.

Some people call this “chunking down”. This technique makes any task more manageable and doable.

Another skill you can teach your children is list-making. Lists are at the heart of all organisational skills, so this is a great place to start.

You could teach your children how to use a list to pack their bag for a school camp or a school outing.

Planning is another organisational skill that will reduce your children’s stress related to school and exams.

Planning involves placing lists of tasks to be completed within a certain timeframe. This way, your children will learn to complete tasks one by one instead of leaving them until it’s so late that they feel overwhelmed.

For example, if your children have exams coming up, you could teach them how to:

Break down their revision material into a series of tasks
Use a calendar to plan how they’re going to complete those tasks within a set timeframe

8. Create a family culture where it’s OK to make mistakes

We learn more from our failures than we do from our successes.

Thomas Edison made an extraordinary number of unsuccessful attempts at inventing the electric light bulb.

When a reporter asked him how it felt to fail 1,000 times, Edison replied: “I didn’t fail 1,000 times. The light bulb was an invention with 1,000 steps.”

Unfortunately, we live in an age that places enormous emphasis on instant success.

Failure isn’t tolerated. Parents correct their children’s homework to improve their grades. They argue with teachers who try to point out areas where their children need to improve.

Yet making mistakes is an essential part of learning.

We must learn from our mistakes and correct them, much like a ship that frequently adjusts its course to stay on the correct bearing.

If you want to motivate your children to study hard and do well in school, one of the best things you can do is create a family culture where it’s OK to make mistakes.

One way to do this is to share with your children your own mistakes and what you learned from them.

For example, maybe you went to university to study one field and ended up switching to a different field when you started work. By sharing that experience with your children, you’re showing them that they don’t have to get it “right” the first time.

If you want to teach your children to love learning, one thing you should avoid at all costs is focusing too much on their failures.

Instead of criticising them for their failures, help them to identify what they’ve learned from their mistakes.

A study by Stanford University has shown that children who are praised for their effort work harder and give up less easily.

On the other hand, children who are afraid of failure are more likely to become discouraged when they make mistakes. Instead of learning from their mistakes and moving on, they’re likely to give up altogether.

9. Show an interest in all aspects of your children’s lives

One of the keys to motivating your children to do well in school is to show an interest in all aspects of their lives, not just their academics.

If your only concern is how your children are doing in school, they may begin to feel as if they’re being treated as a project instead of as a person.

This can lead to them feeling resentful. And resentment will result in resistance to anything related to studying.

Treat your child as a whole person, not as a project or problem.

Listen to your children when they talk about their interests. Encourage them to get involved in non-school activities, like dance or drama or athletics.

How pre-teens and teens spend their time is crucial to their overall development.

An approach that focuses entirely on studying won’t help your children to develop in a balanced way.

Learning a musical instrument, playing a team sport, and taking an online course on entrepreneurship are all activities that will help your children to develop holistically.

These non-academic activities will give your children a much-needed break from their studies, and will help them to do better as they pursue their long-term academic goals.

10. Help your children to find a mentor

According to research by North Carolina State University, children who have mentors are more likely to become successful.

A mentor is an adult who acts as a role model for your children.

One of the benefits of your children having a mentor is that they will understand a perspective on life from someone who isn’t their parent.

The mentor’s values and attitudes may be similar to yours. But those values will mean more to your children when they’re modelled by someone outside the family.

One reason for this is that children inevitably become accustomed to their parents’ viewpoints and begin to tune their parents out.

Having a mentor is a chance for your children to re-engage with those values, from a fresh perspective.

A mentor can be particularly helpful when there’s an ongoing conflict between parents and children.

In this kind of situation, your children can benefit from having a neutral third party they can turn to. The mentor may help your children to see the issues from a new perspective.

So where can you find a mentor for your children?

A mentor could be:

A sports coach, art teacher or music teacher
A neighbour or family friend
One of your co-workers
Someone who runs a coaching/mentoring programme (I’m not ashamed to say that I fall into this category of people, because it’s extremely rewarding work)

Conclusion

These ten principles will help you to build in your child a deeper motivation to work hard.

Some of these principles, like establishing routines and structure, may take a while to implement. But other tips and principles you can put into practice right away.

For example, you can start practising active listening today.

I’m confident you’ll start seeing positive results.

Wishing you all the best on this challenging but meaningful journey!

Like this article? Please share it with your friends.

FREE E-BOOK: Get your copy of 16 Keys to Motivating Your Teenager. The e-book has already been downloaded by many thousands of parents, so don't miss out!

How to Deal With a Disrespectful Teenager: 10 Tips for Frustrated Parents

Updated on August 10, 2021 By Daniel Wong 160 Comments

Are you dealing with a disrespectful teenager?

Maybe he mutters under his breath when you ask him to do his homework.

Or maybe she slams her room door when you tell her that she can’t go out with her friends.

If so, you’re probably at your wits’ end.

You love your teenagers and you want the best for them.

But you also want them to accept that there are rules in your family, just as there are rules in the outside world.

Don’t be alarmed.

Disrespect towards parents is common as youngsters navigate the waters between childhood and adulthood.

But you can’t deal with disrespect by simply ignoring it. You need a strategy.

There are things you need to do, and things you need to avoid doing.

This article explains 10 tips for successfully handling disrespectful and often rebellious teenagers.

FREE BONUS

Enter your email below to download a PDF summary of this article. The PDF contains all the tips found here, plus 3 exclusive bonus tips that you’ll only find in the PDF.

1. Understand the teenage brain

During childhood, there’s tremendous brain development. By age six, 95% of the brain’s structure has already been formed.

Picture it as a sudden development of the wiring of the brain.

The problem is that the new wiring hasn’t yet been connected to the key parts of the brain.

As Molly Edmonds writes, the teenage brain is like an entertainment centre whose components haven’t yet been hooked up.

There are loose wires everywhere. The speaker system hasn’t been connected to the DVD player. And the DVD player hasn’t been configured to work with the TV.

And as for the remote control – it hasn’t even arrived yet!

In this analogy, the remote control is the prefrontal cortex.

That’s the part of the brain that weighs outcomes, forms judgments, and controls impulses and emotions. But in the teenage brain, it hasn’t been properly connected yet.

What does this mean in practice?

It means teenagers can get frustrated easily, with themselves and with external situations. It makes them impulsive and subject to mood swings that you and I don’t experience.

That’s a heady cocktail that can turn teenagers into emotional wrecks.

Understanding that there’s a biological basis for your teenager’s difficult behaviour makes it much easier to deal with.

It helps you to focus on the behaviour rather than the person.

2. Think about the emotional needs underlying the behaviour

When teenagers are disrespectful to their parents, it’s sometimes a sign that they have emotional needs that aren’t being met.

Sometimes the disrespectful behaviour is a way of getting attention.

Other times, it’s an indication that they don’t feel accepted.

Sit down with your teenager and tell her that you’re there for her if she wants to talk about something. Remind her that you love her unconditionally. [Read more…]

Want to Be a Better Parent? Ask Your Children 7 Simple Questions

Updated on June 29, 2020 By Daniel Wong Leave a Comment

As a parent, you want to raise children who are responsible and self-motivated.

You want them to do well in school, and you want them to communicate with you openly.

You also want to build a happy family.

But I’m sure you’ve already realised that you won’t achieve these goals easily.

Along the way, your children may have become disobedient, rebellious or disengaged. (This is especially likely if your children are pre-teens or teens.)

Your home environment may have become tense or even hostile.

If any of this sounds familiar to you, don’t worry. This article will help.

I don’t claim to be a parenting expert — I’m still learning how to raise my two young boys well.

But over the years I’ve spoken to and worked with thousands of pre-teens and teens. As such, I understand how to get through to them.

In this article, I’ll share with you seven simple questions to ask your children, which will help you to reach your parenting goals.

FREE BONUS

Enter your email below to download a PDF summary of this article. The PDF contains all the questions found here, plus 3 exclusive bonus questions that you’ll only find in the PDF.

Question #1: “What can I do to be a better parent?”

The simplest way to become a better parent is to ask your children what they think.

When you ask them Question #1, be prepared for an honest answer.

Your children may point out your flaws.

They may bring up incidents where you were unreasonable or inconsistent.

They may highlight ways in which you haven’t been a good role model.

Is this a scary proposition?

Yes.

But the feedback you get will be invaluable in helping you understand which parenting skills you need to develop. [Read more…]

The 53 Most Positive Things to Say to Your Child

Updated on September 30, 2021 By Daniel Wong 3 Comments

Do you focus on positive things to say to your child, or do you often nag?

If you answered “yes” to the latter, you’re not alone.

You want your children to be responsible and independent.

You want them to be motivated to do well in school.

Since they’re not there yet, you instinctively nag them to correct their behaviour and attitude.

But, at the same time, you realise that all this nagging isn’t working.

Sound familiar?

If so, this article is for you.

I’ve had years of experience working with and speaking to thousands of children and teenagers. So I understand the factors that help them become mature, responsible, and successful.

And one of the most important factors is how their parents talk to them.

The words you speak to your children play on repeat in their minds (even if it feels like your kids aren’t listening to a thing you say). So positive words for your children matter.

Share words of inspiration with your kids and they’ll likely grow into more kind, responsible, and respectful adults.

Plus, the more positive interactions between the parent and child, the less likely it is that the parent will need to nag the child in order to gain compliance.

When you speak words of encouragement to your kids, it’s also more likely that a strong parent-child bond will form.

Think back to your childhood for a moment…

Do you remember any inspiring words from your parents or teachers? Those positive statements helped you become the adult you are today.

In fact, there’s a supposed “magic ratio” of 5 to 1 in healthy relationships: 5 positive expressions of feelings and actions for every negative expression.

In this article, I’ll share with you 53 positive things to say to your child so that — in the long run — you won’t need to nag them anymore!

Before we get to the list of encouraging things to say to your kids, here’s a bonus for you…

FREE BONUS

Enter your email below to download a free poster that contains the top 12 positive things to say to your children. You can print out the poster as a daily reminder of the phrases to use.

[Read more…]

50 Ways to Get Your Kids to Respect You

Updated on October 21, 2021 By Daniel Wong 5 Comments

It’s frustrating, isn’t it?

You try hard as a parent. You do so much for your children, but they’re frequently not respectful toward you.

Sometimes they ignore what you say, or they talk back to you. They even ask you to stop nagging.

I’ve spoken to and worked with close to 25,000 children and teenagers so far, so I know how to get your kids to respect you.

When I say “respect”, I’m referring to a sense of admiration and honour that your children have toward you.

I’m not referring to your children feeling afraid of you.

In other words, if you want to get your children to respect you, you’ll need to earn it.

What is respectful parenting?

“Treat other people the way you want to be treated.”

You’ve likely heard this famous saying countless times before. Maybe you’ve even repeated it to your children.

We all know we should show others the respect we want to receive, but sometimes that’s easier said than done — especially when it comes to our kids.

The thing is, our children are people, too. Respectful parenting means treating them as such.

Rather than telling children to respect us simply because we are the authority, respectful parenting is about building a mutually respectful relationship with our kids — one where our children know they are supported, heard and valued.

How to teach your kids respect

We’ve all been there…

After a long, stressful day, your child won’t stop arguing with you about one more hour of TV time. When they nag you with the dreaded Why not, you resort to Because I said so.

It’s a quick-fix when you’re at your wits’ end. The only problem? Your child starts to feel as if you don’t value or respect their opinion.

Now, I’m not saying to give your kids everything they want. But when you demonstrate respectful parenting and practise positive reinforcement and reciprocity, your kids will understand the appropriate behaviour to model.

That means more respectful children — and a more harmonious family life, too.

Teaching kids about respect doesn’t have to be an ongoing battle. Let’s look at 50 tips for teaching children respect today.

FREE BONUS

Enter your email below to download a PDF summary of this article. The PDF contains all the tips found here, plus 5 exclusive bonus tips that you’ll only find in the PDF.

1. Respect your children

Wondering how to get your kids to respect you?

Children learn from watching you, and they’re likely to copy your behaviour. When you demonstrate basic respect toward your children, they’ll demonstrate respect toward you.

Again, I’m not saying that you should let your children walk all over you. But I am saying that you shouldn’t belittle or shame them, nor should you criticise them harshly.

2. Focus more on the relationship than the rules

You don’t need to throw out the rulebook.

Just show your children that you value the parent-child relationship by speaking kindly to them and trying to understand their perspective.

3. Be a person of integrity

Be honest when talking to your children.

When they see that you’re a person of integrity, you’ll gain their respect.

4. Don’t overreact

Try not to overreact to your children’s less-than-ideal behaviour, even when you’re feeling stressed.

When you stay calm and respond appropriately, they’re more likely to respond in kind too.

5. Assume your position as leader of the home

Being a leader isn’t just about being in charge. It’s also about setting a good example and inspiring others to do their best.

Behaving like a leader also means being compassionate.

When you empathise with your children, they’ll be more open to your suggestions and opinions.

6. Share your values and beliefs with your children

You can’t force your children to adopt your beliefs. But when your children understand why you believe what you believe, they’ll recognise that you’re a person of principles.

7. Be reasonable (especially when your children are being unreasonable)

Sometimes it’s frustrating being a parent, but try to stay calm. Remember that the way you behave when you’re angry is the way they’re likely to behave when they’re agitated too.

Be the bigger person, and don’t resort to name-calling or cheap shots – even if you feel like your children deserve it.

8. Don’t be overly critical of your children

When parents are overly critical, their children start to resent them and become rebellious and argumentative.

Instead, acknowledge your children’s good behaviour and focus more on the process than the end result. You’ll no longer worry how to get your kids to respect you.

9. Listen to your children

Part of being respectful is listening to the other person.

When you listen to your children, you’ll find they’re more likely to listen to you.

This is especially so if you use active listening techniques, as described here.

10. Involve your children in the process of setting rules and boundaries

When you involve your children in setting rules, they feel valued.

Just like adults, children appreciate having control over their lives.

Of course, this doesn’t mean they get to set whatever rules they want. It means you’ll listen to their views and take them into account as you seek to arrive at a no-lose solution.

11. Respect your children’s privacy

As children and teenagers get older, they need more privacy.

If they feel as if their privacy isn’t being respected, they’ll become rebellious.

Just as you wouldn’t want other people reading your journal entries, text messages and emails, you shouldn’t infringe on your children’s privacy in that way either.

12. Set an example for your children to follow

Your children are watching you, whether or not you realise it.

Demonstrate the behaviour you want to see in them, and practise what you preach.

If you don’t, your children won’t respect you.

13. Acknowledge your children’s effort and good behaviour

Your children want your approval, so it’s important to recognise their effort, particularly if they’ve tried hard.

This principle applies even in situations when the outcome isn’t ideal.

When you appreciate their efforts, they’ll feel proud of themselves, and they’ll feel motivated to try hard next time.

14. Don’t discipline your children when you’re angry

When you’re angry, you’re more likely to overreact or say things you might regret.

Instead, show your children that it’s OK to be angry, but that it’s possible to manage your emotions effectively.

15. Ask for your children’s opinion

One powerful answer to how to get your kids to respect you? Ask your child their opinion.

Your children will feel more appreciated and respected if you ask for their opinion.

You can ask them where they’d like to eat for dinner, or what they’d like to do for your family time activity.

Doing this demonstrates that you value their opinions, which means they’ll be more likely to value your opinions too.

16. Be firm but kind

Sometimes your children won’t agree with your decision. In such situations, the key to preventing arguments – and tears – is to be firm but kind.

Don’t let yourself be drawn into an argument.

Hear your children out, empathise with them, but stick to your decision if it’s an issue that’s non-negotiable.

17. Don’t assume that you understand how your children feel

When your children share their problems with you, don’t tell them that you know exactly what they’re going through.

You’ll form a better connection with them if you ask them how they feel and do your best to understand their perspective.

18. Seek to understand your children’s emotions

This point is related to the previous one. Especially when your children are displaying problematic behaviours, get to the root of the issue.

My experience tells me that, at the heart of it, it’s almost always an emotional issue, so you can’t just focus on “fixing” the problematic behaviour.

19. Establish clear expectations

When expectations are unclear, there’s room for misunderstanding.

Establish clear expectations with regard to curfew, homework, chores, family commitments, etc.

This will reduce the number of conflicts that arise between you and your children, which means that your parent-child relationship will grow stronger.

20. If you lecture your children, keep it short

It’s best to avoid lecturing your children. But if you find this to be impossible, then keep the lecture short – ideally 10 minutes or less.

If the lecture is too long, your children will tune out and just pretend that they’re listening, when they’re not.

21. Stay calm

If you want to learn how to get your kids to respect you, show your children that you’re able to control your emotions.

Step away from the situation if you need to, and address the issue only when you’ve regained your composure.

Conflicts never get resolved in the heat of the moment, so do your part to remain calm.

22. Don’t threaten your children

Parents who resort to using threats have more arguments with their children in the long run. They also get a lot less respect from their children.

Instead of using threats, involve them in the process (Point #10), be firm but kind (Point #16), and set clear expectations (Point #19).

23. Give your children choices whenever possible

Allowing your children to make choices empowers them. It gives them a sense of control and ownership over their lives.

It also reduces the number of arguments that break out.

For example, instead of telling your 11-year-old to take a jacket with him as he heads out the door, ask him if he’d rather take the blue one or the red one.

24. Acknowledge your children’s feelings

We all have feelings, so it’s important to acknowledge them.

Children must learn that it’s OK to have feelings, even negative ones.

Refrain from telling your children not to be sad, or that they shouldn’t feel a certain way.

Doing so invalidates their feelings, which makes them feel misunderstood.

25. Speak “positively” instead of “negatively”

Tell your children what you’d like them to do instead of what you don’t want them to do.

For example, saying “Please walk when you’re in the house” is more effective than saying “No running!”

26. Show an interest in your children’s hobbies and activities

When you do this, your children will know that you care about them as people.

They won’t feel as if you only care about how they perform in their academics, athletics, music, etc. (Many of the children and teenagers I’ve worked with have told me that this is exactly how they feel!)

Showing a genuine interest in their hobbies and activities will help you build a stronger parent-child relationship.

This means that your children will be more likely to show you respect.

27. Don’t make assumptions or jump to conclusions

Regardless of what has happened in the past, listen to your children’s side of the story rather than making assumptions.

This will allow you to assess the situation calmly and let them know you’ve heard them out.

As far as possible, assume the best of your children unless the evidence has clearly proven otherwise, and you’ll discover how to get your kids to respect you.

28. Have fun together with your children

Many of the children and teenagers I’ve worked with have told me that they don’t do anything fun with their parents. I wonder why this is the case!

Make time to have fun with your children, and do things they enjoy. These fun times will help you to form strong bonds with your children.

29. Don’t provide unsolicited advice

If your children are faced with a problem, don’t give them unsolicited advice unless absolutely necessary.

Instead, help them to reflect on the problem. Ask them how they plan to handle the situation, and encourage them to be independent problem solvers.

If they need help from you, they’ll ask.

30. Respect your spouse

You want your children to respect you and your spouse, so model the behaviour you want to see.

When you show your children that you respect your spouse, they’ll tend to show you that same kind of respect.

31. Be consistent

If you’ve already stated the consequences of a specific negative behaviour, then follow through if the rule is broken.

Being consistent lets your children know you’re reliable, so they’ll be more likely to respect you.

32. Apologise if you’ve made a mistake

Another tip for how to get your kids to respect you?When you mess up, admit it to your children.

Tell your children that you’re sorry, and explain to them how you’ll avoid making the same mistake in the future. When necessary, ask them for their forgiveness.

In doing this, your children will admire you for your humility, and they’ll understand how much you value the relationship.

33. Don’t let your children walk all over you

This doesn’t mean that you should exert your power and authority in every situation.

Rather, it means that you shouldn’t give in to your children just to avoid an argument.

Strive for a win-win situation (or a no-lose situation at the very least) whenever conflicts arise.

You’ll gain the respect of your children, and they’ll learn negotiation skills in the process too.

34. Remind your children that you love them unconditionally

One of the most powerful things you can say to your children is, “I love you no matter what.”

Sometimes children feel as if your love depends on how well they do in school or how well they behave.

It’s helpful to remind them frequently that your love is unconditional, as this will strengthen the relationship.

35. Cultivate a culture of respect in your family

Encourage your children to behave respectfully to all family members. The way you all speak to each other is the foundation of building a stable, happy home.

Show your children what it means to behave respectfully, even when there are differences in opinion.

36. Give your children freedom within limits

Children need autonomy, so when learning how to get your kids to respect you,it’s important that you give them both freedom and responsibilities.

Encourage them to be independent within certain limits. As they get older, give them more say as to what those limits are, although you’ll still retain overall authority.

37. Discuss the topic of respect with your children

Ask your children what respect means to them, and ask them what behaviour they deem to be acceptable or unacceptable.

Having such a discussion will help you to understand your children’s views on the topic.

You can then determine how best to help them develop the right values when it comes to respecting others.

38. Be respectful when you discipline or confront your children

Treat your children with respect, even when they’ve made a mistake.

Don’t shame or berate them, because this won’t empower them to learn.

When you show them respect even in such situations, they’ll develop greater respect for you.

39. Don’t take your children’s disrespectful behaviour too personally

Remember that your children are still maturing and gaining wisdom – just as all of us are.

Children and teenagers are learning to manage their thoughts and emotions. If they’re acting out, it’s a sign that they need more help and guidance.

Sometimes the answer to how to get your kids to respect you is to be the bigger person and show them grace and patience.

40. Give your full attention to your children when they speak to you

I’m sure you expect your children to listen to you when you speak. So extend the same courtesy to them.

Too many parents half-listen to their children while writing an email or checking their phone. This sends the message to children that they aren’t valued, which affects their self-esteem.

And when children suffer from poor self-esteem, they often don’t behave with respect toward others.

41. Tell your children that you enjoy spending time with them

Children need to know that you like them, not just that you love them.

If the relationship has deteriorated to the point where you don’t actually like your children, then focus on rebuilding the relationship as a priority.

42. Don’t belittle your children

Don’t talk to your children as if they’re stupid, and definitely don’t call them stupid! (If you have, refer to Point #32.)

Instead, show them that you believe in them. Assume the best of them. Celebrate their progress. Cheer them on.

If you build your children up, they’ll do the same for others.

43. Admit it when your children are right

When you’re mature enough to admit that you’re wrong and your children are right, they’ll develop greater respect for you.

We all make mistakes, so it’s already obvious to your children that you’re not perfect.

Besides, they don’t expect you to be perfect! They expect you to be a person of authenticity, humility and character.

Do your best to live up to these expectations!

44. Refrain from saying “Don’t argue with me”

When your children hear you say “Don’t argue with me”, they’ll see you as being unreasonable and illogical. This makes it hard for them to respect you.

If you’re at your wits’ end, tell your children that you need some time to think about the issue.

Restart the conversation only when both you and your children are ready to have a level-headed discussion.

45. Give your children advance notice about upcoming events

If you don’t do this, your children will feel annoyed with you, because it seems as if their schedule and activities aren’t important to you — and you’ll struggle with how to get your kids to respect you.

For example, if there’s an event that your whole family needs to attend, tell your children a week in advance. On the day of the event, give them a couple of reminders closer to the time that you need to leave the house.

Your children will appreciate you keeping them informed, so they won’t be caught off-guard.

46. Acknowledge the progress your children are making (even if the progress is slow)

We all feel more motivated when we feel as if we’re making headway.

As such, it’s crucial that you acknowledge the progress your children are making in the different areas of life.

Refrain from talking as if they’re never trying hard enough. If your children feel as if the effort they put in is never enough, they may stop trying altogether.

And when they feel discouraged, it’s hard for them to show honour and respect toward others.

47. Choose to focus on the issues that matter most in the long run

Choose your battles. Don’t point out every flaw and shortcoming your children have, because they’ll get annoyed and the relationship will be damaged.

Decide which issues are most important to you, and which issues you’re willing to let slide.

48. Under all circumstances, do not yell

When you yell, you’re demonstrating that you’ve lost control.

Instead, withdraw from the situation if necessary. Say something like, “I’m too angry to talk about this now. Let’s talk again after dinner.”

This approach is far better than lashing out and saying things you’ll almost certainly regret later on.

49. Don’t talk as if you know it all

Your children will respect you more if you admit that you don’t know everything.

After all, they’ve probably already realised that they know more than you about certain topics.

Be open-minded, and be willing to learn from your children.

In general, children treasure every chance they get to teach you what they know, whether it’s about technology or the latest hobby they’ve picked up.

50. Keep your promises

My final tip to how to get your kids to respect you is this: keep your promises.

Children have good memories, especially when it comes to the promises you make to them.

They’ll be disappointed for a long time if you don’t keep your promises.

Furthermore, the foundation of every relationship is trust. If you forget about the promises you’ve made, your children will find it hard to trust and respect you.

Frequently asked questions

What causes a child to be disrespectful?

It’s important to remember that respect is a skill your children must learn. Part of growing up is learning how to express our wants and desires and treat others with compassion and kindness.

If your child is disrespectful, it might be because they are:

Learning how to manage their anger
Struggling to communicate effectively
Dealing with frustrations (both in and outside of the home)
Seeking independence and autonomy

Yelling at your kids or disregarding their emotions only makes these root problems worse. Instead, learn how to get your kids to respect you by following the 50 tips for respectful parenting outlined in this article.

How do you explain respect to a child?

Ready to learn the easiest way to explain respect to a child?

Use your actions, not your words.

When you model respectful behaviour to your children, you cultivate a culture of respect in your home. Explaining respect to a child may not even be necessary!

Your children are constantly observing your behaviour — and they notice when you bad mouth your spouse, friends, or neighbours. So, show your kids what respect looks like, and they’ll quickly learn the actions you expect from them.

Then, if you need to, follow Tip #37 to have a productive conversation with your kid about what respect looks like.

How do you raise a respectful child?

Start by following the tips in this post. 🙂

Then, remember this:

How to get your kids to respect you comes back to respectful parenting.

You’re still setting important boundaries for your child, and you’re certainly not letting your kids walk all over you.

But you are letting your children know they are supported, heard and valued, so you build a mutually respectful relationship — and raise a respectful child, too.

With These Helpful Tips, You’ll Be Able to Raise Children That Respect You

The tips in this article are all simple things you can start practising today, so you no longer wonder how to raise a respectful child.

Of course, it’s impossible to implement all the tips right away.

Choose one or two items from the list and try it out this week. The following week, try out one or two additional tips.

Over time, you’ll see huge changes.

Your relationship with your children will improve. Your children will respect you more. Your family life will become more harmonious and enjoyable.

And your children will be on their way to becoming gracious, responsible and successful people!

Like this article? Please share it with your friends.

FREE BONUS

Enter your email below to download a PDF summary of this article. The PDF contains all the tips found here, plus 5 exclusive bonus tips that you’ll only find in the PDF.