Communication Archives

Communication Skills for Teens: 7 Skills Every Teen Should Develop

April 8, 2024 By Daniel Wong 10 Comments

Are you often misunderstood?

Or do you argue a lot with your friends and family?

Maybe you have a hard time conveying your feelings and opinions. And when you try to, no one seems to listen.

Communication is a key life skill for teenagers. But through my many years of coaching teens, I’ve realized that this is an area many struggle with.

This could be due to the changes that occur in the brain during the teenage years. These changes can contribute to unpredictable emotions, which affect your interactions with others.

Of course, taking responsibility for your words and actions is always important. But the earlier you learn to communicate and handle big feelings, the more likely you are to have healthy and happy relationships.

In this article, I’ll discuss some techniques you can learn to build your communication skills.

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Benefits of good communication skills

When you learn to communicate well, you can talk about your thoughts, feelings, and needs respectfully. It also helps the other person to be more open and receptive to what you have to say.

The benefits of having good communication skills include being able to:

Collaborate effectively. Maybe you’re working on a group project or collaborating with colleagues. In these instances, your communication skills will help you and your peers to be more efficient and productive.
Prevent misunderstandings. Good communication makes understanding what someone else is trying to say easier. It also prevents the other person from misjudging or misinterpreting your words.
Handle and resolve conflicts. You’ll be able to talk about problems in an honest, calm, and respectful way. This allows both parties to focus on finding a solution instead of getting frustrated with each other.
Establish trust. Great communication lets other people know you want to understand their opinions, ideas, and feelings. By making them feel heard, you’ll create a safe environment for them to be honest and to open up.
Build empathy. As you learn to listen actively, you’ll understand other people’s points of view better. This will help you to build a deeper sense of empathy for those around you.

Communicating well enables you to form healthy relationships at home, school, and work. As a result, you’ll enjoy more happiness and fulfillment in your relationships.

7 important communication skills for teenagers to learn

Sometimes, we might not be aware that how we interact with others is hurtful to them or even ourselves.

For example, you might suppress your feelings and opinions because you’re afraid of upsetting someone else.

Or maybe you’re used to shouting to get your point across.

These habits might be difficult to change at first. But with patience and practice, you’ll be able to learn to communicate in a healthy way.

Here are the skills to develop if you want to improve how you communicate.

Skill #1: Listening actively

Communicating well is about more than just talking.

You’ll only be able to give the most suitable response when you hear the other person’s side of the story.

This is why it’s important to listen actively when someone else speaks. It’ll also make the other party feel heard and respected.

Here are some tips to keep in mind:

Have the right intentions. When you listen, do so to understand where the other person is coming from. Don’t do it to argue back or dismiss the points that have been raised.
Listen without interrupting. Don’t speak over others, even if you feel angry or misunderstood. This makes it seem like you don’t care about what they have to say.
Put away distractions. When someone is speaking to you, it’s important to show that you’re paying attention. For instance, put your phone away and focus only on the conversation at hand.

Be fully present and focused on the conversation. And instead of jumping to conclusions, ask questions to prevent confusion and misunderstandings.

Skill #2: Choosing the right communication channel

Have you ever sent a quick, neutral text only for it to be perceived as passive-aggressive?

Maybe you’ve spent hours texting back and forth to resolve an issue that should have been discussed face-to-face.

Choosing the right method to get your message across can be tricky.

In general, consider these factors when deciding how to communicate with someone:

Closeness of the relationship. How well do you know the other person? A text message might be better if he or she is an acquaintance. You may have additional options to consider for someone you’re closer to, like a phone call or meeting in person.
Sensitivity of the issue. Are you talking about a private or sensitive issue? If so, a phone call or in-person meeting might be better. Emails and texts can be easily misinterpreted without hearing the person’s tone of voice or seeing nonverbal cues.
How much information there is to share. Text messages are great for short or casual conversations. On the other hand, phone calls and in-person conversations are better for discussing more complicated issues.
Urgency of the issue. If the issue is urgent, you’ll get your message across faster through a phone call or in-person conversation rather than an email or text.

By choosing the right communication channel, there will be less room for misunderstandings.

Skill #3: Being clear, direct, and concise

Have you ever listened to someone talk and had no clue what they were trying to say?

This is why it’s essential to be clear and direct.

You might not be comfortable talking about certain issues. But beating around the bush or bottling up your feelings will affect the relationship in the long run.

Of course, you should always be respectful with your choice of words and tone. Instead of saying, “You’re ridiculous,” you could try saying, “I’m frustrated because you didn’t keep your promise.”

You can also plan what you want to say before the conversation. If it’s a serious issue, take some time to think about how you can calmly discuss it.

Plan what the purpose of the discussion will be. What are you upset about? What solutions will you propose? Once you’ve thought things out, you can talk about the problem.

Then you can listen to the other party’s point of view. Being clear and concise prevents the listener from getting confused while you’re talking.

Skill #4: Being aware of your body language

Your body language can tell the other person if you’re listening and truly care. Some of these positive cues include:

Maintaining eye contact
Nodding occasionally
Smiling
Displaying an “open” posture

Even the distance between you and the other person can make a difference. For instance, standing too close to someone while you’re talking to them might make them feel uncomfortable.

Skill #5: Keeping your emotions in check

Big and intense feelings aren’t bad.

It’s perfectly normal to feel overwhelmed or frustrated from time to time. But our emotions shouldn’t drive us to say mean or unhelpful things.

Instead of suppressing your feelings or letting them get out of control, here’s what you can try instead:

Practice being aware of your emotions. When you start to get angry, pause and take a deep breath. If necessary, excuse yourself from the conversation so you have some time to think.
Learn how to name your emotions. Is it disappointment, anger, or jealousy? You could be experiencing more than one type of emotion at the moment. As you name your emotions, try to identify the reasons behind them.
Accept your emotions, but don’t let them control you. You don’t have to feel bad for having intense emotions. What matters is what you do with them.
Figure out healthy ways to cope with your emotions. For example, journaling or going for a quick run can help you process your feelings and think more clearly.

Learning to be the master of your emotions helps you make good decisions in terms of what to say.

Skill #6: Understanding how to handle conflict

Conflicts are a normal part of relationships, so shying away from them won’t help.

Conflict resolution is an important skill that can be learned and practiced. Here are some tips to help you handle conflicts:

Use more “I” statements instead of “you” statements. For example, you can say, “I feel unimportant when you show up late,” instead of, “You’re so irresponsible for being late.” “I” statements help the other person understand your emotions without feeling the need to defend themselves.
Empathize with the other person. Ask them how they feel. Listen attentively to their response and try to understand where they’re coming from instead of jumping to conclusions.
Don’t bring up the past. Bringing up things from the past won’t help to solve the problem. It will likely just make you and the other person more frustrated. So ensure that your conversation focuses on the current issue.

Most importantly, pick your battles wisely. Conflicts are emotionally exhausting. So knowing when to disengage and move on from the conversation is essential.

Skill #7: Controlling your tone and volume

Your tone of voice is as powerful as your words. Speaking loudly and using an impatient, dismissive, or sarcastic tone can lead to conflicts or worsen current ones.

When you’re in a conversation, try to be aware of the tone and volume of your voice. Shouting or talking with a rude tone can become a bad habit that we get accustomed to if we don’t practice self-awareness.

Maybe you know you struggle to use a calm and respectful tone when you’re frustrated or stressed. If so, make it a point to excuse yourself from the conversation to cool down first before restarting it later.

Conclusion

It takes a lot of practice to communicate well. So don’t be discouraged if you don’t always get it right.

What’s most important is the willingness to own up to your mistakes and learn from them.

As you become a better communicator, you’ll be able to have fruitful and meaningful conversations with those around you!

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The Smart Way to Argue With Your Teen: 9 Tips to Resolve Conflicts Fast

Updated on July 1, 2025 By Daniel Wong 4 Comments

Do you often feel frustrated because of the conflicts you have with your teens?

No parent wants to fight with their teenagers. So what can you do when your teens argue with you?

It helps to first understand that having some conflict is normal.

As teens undergo a period of rapid change, they start craving more independence. They want more control over their life and decisions.

But not all conflicts are inherently negative. In fact, conflicts can even be beneficial if handled correctly.

According to research, healthy conflicts are opportunities for growth and learning. Arguing with parents can help teenagers develop better social skills and empathy.

As a parent, arguments can be opportunities to show your teenager what healthy conflict resolution patterns look like.

On the other hand, frequent and unconstructive conflicts can be harmful. They can affect your teenagers’ self-esteem and how well they cope at school.

So, as parents, we need to manage conflicts well.

In this article, I’ll share with you 9 tips to manage your teenagers’ attitude and effectively handle arguments with them.

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Tip #1: Choose the right time and place

Choosing the right time and place is key when you need to have a serious conversation with your teen.

For example, if your teen has a big exam the following day, discussing the issue the night before probably isn’t a good idea.

Or maybe you’re in public or around friends and family. Talking about the issue there and then might cause embarrassment and make the situation awkward for other people.

If you’re caught in this predicament, try saying, “I really want to understand your feelings and hear what you have to say. But now’s probably not a good time to talk. Can we discuss this later at home?”

This also gives you and your teenager extra time to cool down.

Ideally, you want to approach the issue when both of you are calm and free to talk. You also want to ensure that there’s enough time to resolve the conflict without feeling like you’re rushing the process.

And make sure to pick a place that offers privacy and is free of distractions.

Tip #2: Listen actively

When arguments get heated, it’s tempting to talk over your teens.

It’s even harder to listen when you don’t agree with or understand the reasons behind their actions.

You might jump to conclusions or wrongly accuse them. This can lead to bitterness in the relationship.

Remember that communication is a two-way street.

So let your teens share their opinions. Show that you’re listening by maintaining eye contact, nodding, and paraphrasing what they say.

Listen with the intention of understanding, not with the intention of refuting their point of view.

Research shows that attentively listening to teenagers helps them feel more connected to you.

This also encourages them to be honest with you, and makes them more likely to open up in the future.

Your teenagers need to know that you’re trying to understand their situation and feelings. By doing so, you’re showing your teens that you value their honesty and opinions.

Tip #3: Avoid lecturing or digging up the past

When you argue, do you find yourself repeating the same thing over and over again?

Or maybe you go off track and dig up your teens’ past mistakes?

When you’re worried about your teens’ future, you may end up lecturing or nagging.

This can cause them to become anxious, overwhelmed, or annoyed. Eventually, your teens may learn to tune your words out.

Instead of lecturing, here’s how to communicate with your teen:

Have a conversation only when your teen is ready. If your teen is angry and frustrated, your words might not have much impact. Wait until your teen is more receptive, then discuss the issue.
Ask questions to understand the situation better. Try to understand the reasoning behind your teen’s decisions and actions. Ask positive questions like, “How are you feeling?” and “How did you make that decision?” Avoid negative questions like, “What’s wrong with you?”
Don’t interrupt your teen. If you interrupt your teen, it shows that you’re dismissive of your teen’s opinions. Discuss matters when you’re calm so you’ll be more likely to catch yourself before interrupting your teen.

For your words to carry weight, it’s important to speak less and listen more.

When you listen to understand, you’ll be in the best position to respond wisely and resolve the conflict effectively.

Tip #4: Focus on the behavior, not the person

Name-calling and criticizing won’t help the situation.

Making assumptions about your teens’ motives can push them into a defensive stance and affect your relationship with them.

During a conflict, try to mainly state facts about your teenagers’ actions and decisions. Don’t use negative labels or jump to conclusions.

For example, avoid saying something like, “You’re a liar. You skipped school today because you were too lazy to get out of bed.”

Instead, say something like, “I heard you skipped school today. Can you tell me more about what happened?”

It’s also crucial to watch your tone of voice. Being empathetic and calm creates a safe environment for your teens to tell the truth.

Tip #5: Apologize when necessary

Apologizing is something that many parents shy away from. It’s understandably uncomfortable to apologize to your teens.

But the fact is that we all make mistakes.

Apologizing to your teens is a great way to model honesty, humility, and integrity. It shows that you care about and respect your teens’ feelings.

This helps to build a healthy relationship, with no one holding grudges against the other person.

If you know you’ve made a mistake, here are some tips to keep in mind when apologizing to your teens:

Make sure you mean it. An inauthentic apology will make things worse. Give yourself time to reflect on your words and actions, and say sorry when you genuinely mean it.
Watch your tone. Avoid using an angry, sarcastic, or defensive tone.
Admit your mistakes. Admit what you’ve done wrong. Sometimes, your actions might not have been wrong, but your teens’ feelings were still hurt. If so, say you’re sorry that their feelings were hurt.
Keep it short. Don’t defend yourself with a “but” after you say, “I’m sorry.” Avoid the temptation to justify your actions or lecture your teens about what they did wrong. Keep your apology short, and let your teens know you’re available to talk more if they’d like to.

You can also ask your teens for pointers on what you could have done better or how you can support them moving forward.

Tip #6: Set clear expectations and boundaries

When there’s no conflict, it’s a good idea to set some boundaries.

These rules and expectations help to guide future conflicts in a constructive way. They can also help to prevent both parties from crossing the line when things get heated.

Some examples of boundaries and rules you might decide to establish include:

No name-calling, swearing, or using degrading language
No yelling at the other person
Listen to the other person without interrupting
Focus on the issue at hand and avoid bringing up the past
Either party can call for a time-out if he or she feels overwhelmed

The rules you set should apply to both you and your teen, as far as possible.

Find a good time to sit down with your teen to discuss and agree on these rules and boundaries.

Tip #7: Offer choices and compromises

Negotiation and communication are essential life skills that teens need to have to work well with peers and colleagues. It will also help them to build healthy relationships.

As parents, we can give our teenagers the opportunity to learn how to communicate and negotiate in a mature and respectful way.

When you don’t see eye to eye with your teens, keep these tips in mind:

Don’t be dismissive. Saying things like, “My house, my rules,” or “Stop arguing with me” won’t help.
Listen attentively to your teens’ point of view. Explain your perspective, then listen and try to understand where your teens are coming from.
Come up with options. If both of you don’t agree, try to discuss different choices and solutions. Maybe your teen wants to go out on a weekday night and won’t be able to help with the chores. You can let your teen choose between swapping duties with a family member or helping out on an extra night the following week.
Lower your expectations. Both parties can lower their expectations slightly to meet in the middle. For instance, you might allow your teens to go to a party if they agree that you’ll pick them up at 11 pm.
Be clear about what’s not negotiable. At times, you’ll have to be firm. For instance, risky behaviors like doing drugs and speeding while driving are prohibited. These rules for teens can’t be negotiated.
Clarify the final decision. To end the discussion, repeat exactly what you both have agreed on to prevent misunderstandings.

Remember that compromise isn’t a sign of weakness. It shows that you’re willing to hear your teens out and use your parental authority to guide, not control.

Tip #8: Don’t argue in the heat of the moment

There’s a lot of truth to the saying, “Think before you speak.”

If you often regret what you’ve said to your teens in the heat of the moment, try this the next time.

As soon as you realize you’re getting frustrated, take a deep breath and suggest taking a break.

Remind yourself that lashing out at your teenager won’t fix anything. In fact, it will almost certainly make the situation worse.

During the break, try to do something that helps you relax, like taking a walk or enjoying a cup of tea.

Don’t dwell on what made you mad. Instead, focus on how you can resolve the issue. Be realistic about what’s in your control and what isn’t.

Once you and your teen are ready, you can come together to resolve the conflict.

Tip #9: Focus on the bigger picture

“Because I said so” and “I pay for everything you own” are a couple of phrases that parents use to “win” arguments.

But this isn’t constructive. Trying to win arguments will strain your relationship with your teenagers.

Ultimately, you need to focus on the bigger picture.

What values do you want to impart to your teens? How can you meet in the middle? How can you show them that you still love them even though you’re arguing?

No matter how tough or indifferent your teenagers might seem, they still need you to be there for them. They need your support, love, and attention.

So don’t aim to win arguments.

The goal is to teach good values and develop a stronger relationship with your teens. Your words and actions should reflect this.

Conclusion

No family is perfect, and not every argument turns out the way you want it to.

Sometimes, you’ll be able to resolve issues quickly. At other times, you might get into a heated quarrel that leads to hurt feelings.

Despite this, every conflict is an opportunity for you and your teens to grow. Nothing will strengthen your relationship more than learning to work through problems that arise.

So give these 9 tips a try the next time you have an argument with your teens. You’ll be glad you did!

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Reconnecting With Your Teen: 10 Practical Tips for Parents

Updated on January 30, 2024 By Daniel Wong 2 Comments

Are you worried that you and your teenager are drifting apart?

Maybe your teen is busy with school, other activities, or spending time with friends.

And when your teen isn’t, the door to his or her room is closed.

You can barely have a decent conversation with your teenager – much less hang out as a family. And when you share meals, everyone is on their phones.

It’s perfectly normal for your relationship with your teens to change over time, as they’ll have a growing need for independence.

But building a strong bond with them is still important.

Researchers have found that a good parent-teen relationship improves a teen’s mental health and reduces the likelihood of risky behavior and substance abuse.

Plus, these teens tend to experience lower levels of depression and stress.

In this article, I’ll discuss some of the best ways to reconnect with your teenagers and foster a meaningful bond with them.

(If your teen lacks motivation, download the free e-book below.)

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Tip #1: Listen without judgment

Your teens are looking for support as they navigate new challenges and changes in life.

As parents, the best thing we can do is become a safe space for our teens to talk about their experiences and worries without fear of judgment.

Here are some tips that might help when your teens need a listening ear:

Let your teen speak without interruptions. Imagine your teen says, “Someone from my math class asked me out on a date.” You react by saying, “You’re not allowed to date at this age,” then cut off the conversation. This eliminates the opportunity to have a healthy discussion about boundaries, dating, and sex. Instead, encourage dialogue with open-ended questions like “How do you feel?” and “Do you feel ready to start dating?”
Show that you’re listening. Check your body language whenever your teens talk to you. Are you making eye contact and nodding once in a while? Or do you sigh, roll your eyes, and continue using your phone when they come to you with a problem? If your teens don’t think you care, they won’t want to talk to you.
Avoid catastrophizing. For example, some parents may think it’s best to “scare” their teens out of dating by saying it will lead to heartbreak and betrayal. But if your teens feel anxious and afraid after talking to you, they may be less likely to open up to you in the future. Instead, you can help your teens to weigh the pros and cons of different choices. This encourages your teens to think more deeply and make wise decisions.

Encouraging and holding healthy conversations with your teenagers will take some practice. But learning to communicate is the key to building a strong relationship with your teens.

Tip #2: Find time to spend together

Without any effort to make proper family time happen, you might find that you and your teens are drifting apart.

So it’s important to intentionally create time and space to enjoy each other’s company.

Here are some ways to encourage your teens to spend more time together as a family:

Let your teens play a role in deciding what the family will do together
Pick activities that your teens already enjoy
Schedule weekly family time together and make it a routine
Let your teens know in advance if there is going to be a family activity or get-together

It also helps to show that you respect your teen’s time and independence. You can ask them if they have a preferred time and date before planning a family event or activity.

Tip #3: Respect your teen’s independence

A growing need for independence is a natural part of adolescence. The tricky part lies in finding the sweet spot between helicopter parenting and hands-off parenting.

Helicopter parents are parents who are overly involved in their teenager’s life.

Some research shows that this parenting style can negatively impact a teen’s mental health. It can also negatively affect teenagers’ learning and level of self-efficacy.

On the other hand, giving your teens too much freedom with little guidance can also lead to problems down the road.

Here’s how you can nurture healthy independence in your teens:

Start involving your teens in decisions and giving them opportunities to make their own. You can teach your teens the process of making wise decisions. This typically involves weighing the benefits and risks of each option.
Respect your teens’ opinions and emotions. They might have a different view from you about some issues. Respect and acknowledge your teens’ opinions instead of brushing them off. Of course, you should provide guidance if their opinions contradict your family’s principles and values.
Give your teens the privacy they need. For example, it’s probably reasonable for you to knock on your teens’ door before entering, and to avoid bombarding them with texts when they’re out with their friends.

It might seem easier to control your teens and make decisions for them to ensure they never fail.

But teenagers need the freedom to learn from their mistakes. This helps them grow into responsible and independent adults.

Tip #4: Give your teen compliments

Complimenting your teens helps to build a stronger bond and improve their confidence.

When giving compliments, always be genuine – teenagers can spot insincerity from a mile away.

In addition, try to make the praise focused on the process and on the progress your teens are making, rather than on the outcome or result.

This approach encourages your teens to focus on growing and improving. It also helps your teens to develop resilience and intrinsic motivation.

For example, you can replace “Wow, great job getting an A on your chemistry exam” with a more process-focused compliment.

This might go something like: “I saw you working really hard to prepare for this chemistry exam. It looks like your effort led to this big improvement.”

Tip #5: Show interest in what your teen is interested in

Pay attention to what your teens are passionate about, and try to maintain an attitude of curiosity. This will give you another avenue to connect with them.

For example, if your daughter enjoys learning how to use makeup, you can buy lipstick for her as a birthday gift.

Or maybe your son loves playing soccer. If so, you can make it a point to pick him up after soccer practice and bring along his favorite snack or drink.

Knowing what your teens love will also allow you to give compliments that matter to them – instead of only praising them when they do well in school.

Telling your teens how skilled they’ve become at a sport, video game, or any activity they enjoy will mean a lot to them.

Tip #6: Be intentional about showing unconditional love

Unconditional love is one of the greatest gifts teenagers can receive from their parents.

This involves accepting and loving your teenagers even when they fall short of certain expectations.

Here are some ways you can demonstrate unconditional love to your teens:

Telling your teens you love them for who they are (and not for what they have achieved)
Forgiving your teens when they’ve made a mistake
Refraining from bringing up mistakes they’ve made in the past
Refraining from name-calling or attacking your teens verbally
Supporting your teens in their dreams and ambitions (even if it’s not what you want for them)

If you show your teenagers unconditional love, they won’t feel anxious or worried about needing to “earn” your love.

Plus, this will build the parent-teen relationship, which will enhance your teens’ sense of self-worth.

Tip #7: Welcome your teen’s friends

Your teenagers will appreciate the effort you put into making your home a comfortable space for them and their friends to hang out.

It’s likely that friends play a significant role in your teens’ lives. So showing that you genuinely care for their friends can help strengthen the bond you share with your teens.

You don’t need to own a fancy house or a ping pong table to be welcoming toward your teenagers’ friends.

What’s most important is creating a space for your teenagers to have fun and make lifelong memories together with their friends.

Tip #8: Be available when you’re needed, as far as possible

Your teens are still learning to juggle school, family, friends, and maybe even work or a relationship. It’s challenging for them. So this is where you can provide support and encouragement.

You can do this by putting your phone and other distractions away when your teenagers want to talk.

It’s also a good idea to ask your teens how you can best support them when they’re struggling.

In many situations, it’s important for you to be cautious and not to show too many big emotions when you’re trying to empathize with your teens.

For example, let’s say that your son just had a big argument with his girlfriend. You might be tempted to say mean things about his girlfriend to make him feel better.

But big reactions like this can backfire, especially if your son chooses to make up with his girlfriend the following day.

Instead, try to empathize with your teens calmly and help them to analyze the situation when they’re ready to.

Tip #9: Demonstrate patience and understanding

Dealing with your teen’s poor behavior after you’ve already had a long day is stressful for any parent.

Here are some ways to deal with a teenage tantrum or a misbehaving teen:

Set house rules and consequences for breaking them, and be consistent. If your teens are acting up, you can ask them to take some time to cool off before discussing the issue again.
Remind yourself not to take things too personally. Your teens should be held accountable for mean or hurtful things they say or do. But as a parent, it’s unwise to fight fire with fire. Try to stay calm and level-headed instead of yelling back at your teens.
Listen to your teenagers without interrupting them. Try to put yourself in their shoes to understand their emotions and struggles better.
Make time to take care of yourself. Self-care as a parent might sound taboo. But prioritizing your well-being will put you in the best position to be a patient and understanding parent.

Learn to forgive yourself too. And don’t hold back from extending a genuine apology to your teens if you’ve said or done something hurtful in a moment of anger.

Tip #10: Show your teen that you trust him or her

Give your teenagers opportunities to be independent. Let them make their own decisions whenever possible.

You can also give your teens more privileges when they demonstrate responsibility and honesty.

For example, you could extend your teens’ curfew if they’ve shown that they’ve been able to keep to their curfew consistently.

Additionally, keep in mind that trust is a two-way street.

Do your best to model responsibility, honesty, and accountability to your teens. Staying true to your words and promises is a great way to do this.

Conclusion

To guide and support your teens, you’ll need to create a healthy bond with them.

The good news is that there are various steps you can take to reconnect with your teens and develop a great relationship with them.

So start implementing the tips in this article today!

(Make sure to download your free e-book below.)

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6 Signs You’re a Perfectionist Parent (And How It Impacts Teens)

Updated on May 3, 2025 By Daniel Wong Leave a Comment

Do you expect too much from your teenagers?

That might be a hard question to answer.

As parents, we want to see our teenagers succeed in life.

Whether that’s doing well on their exams or winning a competition, it’s natural to feel proud of their accomplishments.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting your teenagers to succeed.

You might think that expecting impeccable behavior and excellent performance will motivate your teens to do their best. But in fact, it can do the opposite – causing burnout, anxiety, and a strained relationship with your teens.

In this article, I’ll discuss some common signs that you may be a perfectionist parent. We’ll also explore the reasons behind perfectionist parenting and what impact this may have on your teenagers.

(If you’d like your teens to be more motivated, download the free e-book below.)

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Why do parents want their teens to be perfect?

The desire to see your teenagers achieve success isn’t harmful. But it can become an issue if it causes you to put unnecessary pressure on your teenagers.

In the long run, this unhealthy pressure can affect your teens’ mental well-being and even strain your relationship with them.

Understanding why you’re inclined to have high expectations of your teenagers is important. This can help you keep unhealthy mindsets or beliefs in check.

The following are some possible reasons why you expect your teenagers to be “perfect” in various ways:

Reason #1: The “perfect parent” syndrome

Some research suggests that parenting styles – both bad and good – can be passed down from one generation to the next.

It’s natural for people to pick up perspectives and mindsets similar to those of their parents.

Because of this, you might want your teenagers to be “perfect” if your parents had those expectations of you.

Reason #2: Projection of unfulfilled dreams

As parents, we strive to give our teenagers the opportunities we never had.

You may have had goals that you never had the chance to pursue. These could be things like going to a prestigious college or taking up a well-respected profession.

As a result, you may project these unmet ambitions onto your teenagers and expect them to achieve the dreams you had for yourself.

Furthermore, you might feel like your teenagers should be able to accomplish these goals. This is because they now have opportunities and advantages you didn’t have when you were younger.

Reason #3: Fear of judgment by others

Research indicates that perfectionism can manifest itself in different ways.

For some, perfectionism involves having unrealistic expectations of other people. It can also be linked to the fear of negative judgments from those around you.

When these aspects of perfectionism come together, it might cause you to have high expectations of your teenagers. This is because you’re worried about how others perceive you and your family.

You may want your teens to do well in school or sports so that you’ll be respected by others.

Perhaps when they get good grades or win a contest, you feel like you’ve indirectly earned bragging rights.

Reason #4: Love and pride

The natural desire of parents is to see their teenagers accomplish great things.

Seeing them do well makes you happy and proud – and that’s perfectly okay.

Many parents put a lot of pressure on their teens to work hard to achieve certain goals.

This expectation might be harmful if it drives your teens to prioritize their grades and accomplishments above everything else.

Now that you understand why some parents want their teens to be perfect, let’s take a look at some of the signs that you might be putting too much pressure on them.

6 signs that you’re a perfectionist parent

Remember that there’s nothing wrong with having expectations of your teenagers.

They should fulfill their responsibilities in school, help out at home, and treat others with respect – these are reasonable expectations.

But where do you draw the line?

The following are possible signs that you have the unhealthy expectation of your teenagers being perfect:

Sign #1: There’s an overemphasis on academic success

Your teen’s grades and exam scores are thought of as “life-altering.”

Your teenagers barely have time for themselves, as the bulk of their schedule is dedicated to school, extra classes, and studying.

If your teens get grades below your expectations, you might get angry. You may also compare their grades to those of their peers.

This isn’t to say that you should never encourage your teens to study hard or set academic goals. But their grades should never be prioritized over their health or character development.

Sign #2: Your teen’s daily schedule is packed

Are your teenagers barely able to catch a break due to a packed schedule?

Do extracurricular activities, sports, music lessons, and school-related activities take up all their extra time?

Your teens may not have enough time to sleep, rest, or pursue their own interests. This is detrimental to them in the long run.

In fact, research clearly shows that teenagers need more rest and sleep than adults do. A lack of sleep will affect their mental well-being and make it harder for them to focus in school.

Sign #3: Your self-worth is dependent on your teen’s success

It’s natural for you to derive joy from your teen’s achievements.

But this can become unhealthy when your self-worth is tied to how your teens perform.

When they do well, you feel like you’ve succeeded as a parent. Getting to tell your friends and other family members about their achievements makes you excited.

But when your teens don’t do as well as you’d hoped, your self-esteem and confidence plummet.

Having this sort of dependence on your teenagers is unhealthy for both parties. If you have this mindset, remember that your worth and success as a parent isn’t based on your teen’s accomplishments.

Sign #4: Things have to be done your way

When your teens do something, do you micromanage them? And are you overly critical?

Perhaps you tend to focus more on the results than on the process or the progress they’ve made.

This might happen when your teenagers try to help with chores at home – or maybe when they’re learning a new musical instrument, language, or sport.

You may notice that you correct them or take over what they’re doing. You also want them to do things in the specific way you prefer.

This “my way or the highway” mindset can stunt your teenagers’ growth.

Sign #5: Your teen doesn’t get much flexibility

Your teens get little flexibility, especially regarding the rules and boundaries you’ve set at home.

Your teens may demonstrate a reasonable level of maturity and responsibility. But you still feel hesitant to give them more freedom.

For example, you might always refuse to extend their curfew or let them go out on a weekday night. The consequences tied to your house rules might also be harsh.

It’s important to realize that teenagers have a growing need for independence at this stage of life.

Rules that have been helpful when they were kids might no longer be appropriate now that they’re teens.

Of course, there’s still a need for boundaries for your teens. But these can be discussed with them and negotiated, especially if your teenagers show some level of responsibility.

Sign #6: You rarely praise your teen

Another sign you may be a perfectionist parent is a lack of praise or warmth.

You’re quick to point out any mistakes your teens make, and you’re not likely to praise them for something they’ve done well.

Research has even shown that parents tend to overestimate their use of praise. They also often underestimate the amount of criticism they give.

It’s easy for parents to hop on the criticism bandwagon.

But support and encouragement go much further in helping your teens to make the most of their potential.

The effects of perfectionist parenting on teenagers

Perfectionist parenting doesn’t just prevent your teens from learning from their mistakes. It can also affect their character development.

Let’s take a closer look at some of the possible effects of perfectionist parenting:

Effect #1: Low self-esteem

The words you use impact your teenagers more than you realize.

Criticizing your teens frequently can lower their self-esteem.

Unsurprisingly, studies have found that criticism from parents can lead to negative emotions in their teenagers.

Persistent criticism can damage a teenager’s self-image. It can also make him or her more vulnerable to mental health conditions, such as depression.

These problems may continue well into adulthood.

Effect #2: Fear of failure

Micromanaging, criticizing, and having high expectations of your teenagers may lead to a fear of failure.

As a result, your teenagers may not feel confident enough to try new things or step outside their comfort zone.

Your teens might view failure as a life-altering event instead of as a growth opportunity. This may also cause your teens to be perfectionists in the future.

Effect #3: Lack of coping skills

At this stage of life, having some amount of autonomy and independence is essential for teens’ development.

Perfectionist parenting prevents teens from making mistakes and learning from them.

These types of parents tend to “overparent.” This means that they may be overly involved in their teenager’s life.

For instance, they may be too protective or controlling.

Research has indeed found that overparenting makes it harder for teens to develop into self-sufficient adults. These teens may lack self-regulation skills, which can affect their decision-making and problem-solving skills.

Effect #4: Burnout

Continually meeting high expectations is a heavy load for your teenagers to shoulder.

In addition, your teenagers may have a packed schedule with little time to relax and rest.

In the long run, your teens may also experience academic burnout. This happens when they’re overwhelmed and can no longer cope with stressful situations at school.

As a result, your teens may develop unhealthy coping mechanisms in response to the immense stress. This might lead to bad grades or drive them to rebel against your wishes.

While doing well in school is important, it shouldn’t come at the expense of your teen’s health and well-being.

Effect #5: Social isolation

A packed schedule leaves little room for your teens to socialize and hang out with friends and family.

Your teens might not have the time or energy to build healthy relationships and friendships. This could leave them feeling isolated.

Friendships play a huge role during the teenage years. Without real friends, teenagers are more vulnerable to bullying, depression, and anxiety.

On the other hand, supportive and healthy friendships can lead to an increase in happiness and self-esteem. These friendships also help your teens to cope better with stress.

Effect #6: Strained parent-teen relationship

Setting rules and carrying out the consequences for breaking them might cause temporary tension between you and your teens. But this plays a key role in disciplining your teens and teaching your teens good values.

But being overly strict and authoritative can backfire.

Your teenagers may feel as if you don’t understand them. This may lead to conflicts that can strain the relationship.

When setting boundaries, it’s important to explain the reasoning behind them. Try to involve your teens in the discussion instead of setting hard-and-fast rules with no room for negotiation.

Frequent criticism and harsh words can also cause a rift in the relationship and create a tense environment at home.

So try using positive words and encouragement to motivate your teens. Plus, being patient and understanding when they make mistakes goes a long way in fostering a strong parent-teen relationship.

Conclusion

Parenting teens isn’t easy.

While we want only the best for them, it’s important to realize that perfectionism won’t get them there.

Remind your teens that mistakes should be seen as learning opportunities.

Ultimately, your teens are still learning and growing.

As a parent, you have the privilege of guiding them as they journey through both the ups and downs of life!

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A Parent’s Complete Guide to High School Dating

Updated on September 30, 2024 By Daniel Wong 2 Comments

Does the thought of your teen dating make you nervous or uneasy?

If you said “yes,” you’re not alone.

As a parent, it’s natural to worry when your teens start dating.

We want them to be happy, healthy, and focused on pursuing meaningful goals.

It isn’t enough to tell your teens that “there will be no dating until you turn 18.” Teenage romance is normal, after all.

It’s important to strike a balance between setting rules, offering guidance, and letting teens explore dating on their own.

In this article, I’ll help you understand what you should know about teen dating. I’ll also share some rules and relationship advice that you can discuss with your teens.

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Why teens fall in love in high school

Do you recall your first experience of falling in love?

Even if it doesn’t exactly mirror your teen’s experiences, you may still be able to relate to some of his or her feelings.

As parents, knowing we’ve been through something similar can help us accept that high school dating is, in fact, a normal part of adolescence.

When your teenagers see their peers in romantic relationships, it invokes a longing to experience the same thing.

In addition, companionship and a sense of belonging become all the more important at this time.

The development of the brain and body during adolescence can also trigger hormonal changes. This may contribute to feelings of being in love and of sexual attraction.

We can’t stop our teens from falling in love – it’s natural. But we can still provide reasonable advice and boundaries to guide them along.

The role of teenage relationships

Unhealthy teenage relationships can indeed take a toll on your teen’s well-being. In contrast, healthy dating does have its benefits.

Research has found that love and romance are core aspects of adolescent development.

Studies have shown that healthy teenage dating can lead to the following benefits:

Reduced aggression and risk-taking behaviors
Improved conflict management
Better communication skills
Better decision-making
Identity development
Emotional growth
Social learning

During this stage of life, your teenagers are still figuring out how to interact with others.

They’re learning to set boundaries, deal with conflicts, and improve communication. But it’s all a work in progress.

This is where healthy dating can help them learn skills and develop abilities to build strong relationships with others. This includes their peers, family members, employers, and future partners.

Teenage love and its complexities: What parents should be aware of

Teenage dating can be a positive experience.

But it’s still important for parents to understand the challenges and complexities surrounding it.

Plus, dating has changed a lot from when we were in our teens’ shoes.

Parents should be mindful of the following aspects of modern teenage dating:

Social media and pop culture influence

An estimated 90% of teenagers between 13 and 17 have used social media. Around 50% report using these platforms daily.

Movies, TV shows, and pop songs are also common forms of media that teenagers consume.

Because of the influence of pop culture and mass media, teens might have an unrealistic view of sex and relationships.

This is where parents can step in to help them differentiate between truth and the fiction they see online or in movies.

Social and dating apps

Social media is a popular way to connect with people from all over the world.

In fact, statistics show that almost half of teens have expressed their interest in another person through social media.

While these platforms can help teens meet new friends and even find love interests, teaching them about online safety is crucial.

Online dangers like grooming, harassment, sexting, and privacy issues are things your teens should be aware of. Some dating apps even let users under 18 create profiles and connect with potential dates.

Of course, your teens don’t need to avoid using the Internet completely. But there should be guidelines on what they should and shouldn’t do.

Relationship red flags

When your teenagers are in love, they may not see certain things that you do.

While you might not be able to control who your teens end up dating, you can still look out for them and point out potential red flags.

Try to have a respectful conversation with your teen if his or her partner shows the following red flags:

Being obsessive and unwilling to give your teen his or her own space
Ignoring your teen’s boundaries
Becoming jealous, manipulative, and controlling
Getting easily angered and having mood swings
Disrespecting you as your teen’s parent

If you see these warning signs, reassure your teens that you care and that you want what’s best for them.

Showing that you’re focused on their well-being will make them more likely to talk to you about the relationship issues they may have.

Best relationship tips to share with your teen

Talking about love, dating, and sex with your teenager can be awkward.

But, as parents, we cannot afford to outsource these conversations to mass media or pop culture.

Don’t leave these conversations till their first heartbreak.

When you see your teens showing an interest in romance, have an honest chat with them.

Not sure where to start?

Here are some important pieces of relationship advice you can share with your teens:

Tip #1: Keep to the rules that have been discussed

Setting hard-and-fast rules without discussing them with your teens will cause them to hide things from you or sneak around behind your back.

Instead, sit your teens down and explain the reasoning behind the rules you set. Ask for their opinions about the rules, and listen attentively.

Certain rules that guard your teen’s safety shouldn’t be negotiable.

But there is room for compromise when it comes to other rules, such as their nighttime curfew or which days they’re allowed to go out.

Of course, all this depends on your teen’s level of maturity and responsibility.

Here is a list of things to consider when setting dating rules for your teens:

What age they’re allowed to start dating: Do they have a grasp of what dating will involve? Do they know what it means to respect themselves and others? Are they handling the other responsibilities in their life well? There’s no right age for dating. So it boils down to your teen’s maturity level. Also, consider the age gap between your teens and their potential partners. Aside from different maturity levels, a significant age gap could lead to legal issues.
Date night expectations: Lay out ground rules for dating. Discuss whether one-on-one dates are appropriate. If they are, your teens should let you know where they’re going, who they’re with, and when they’ll be back when they go out on dates.
Dating safety rules: If your teens are going out with a new partner or someone they’ve just met, you’ll need to establish rules related to safety. These rules may include the types of places they’re allowed to hang out at, how long they should be out, and whether they should be alone with the other person. You may also ask your teens to send you updates on their location or text you from time to time when they’re out.
The level of privacy that’s reasonable: Should your teenager be allowed to close the bedroom door when his or her partner is over? How early into the relationship would you like to meet that special someone? Should you be checking your teen’s messages? Discuss a level of privacy that’s reasonable for your teenager’s age and the current stage of dating.

Work on creating these rules with your teen, listening to and incorporating their input where possible.

It’s also a good idea to give your teens some autonomy to decide on the boundaries and consequences for breaking them.

Tip #2: Set and respect boundaries

Setting boundaries is the key to a healthy relationship. Here are some examples of the different types of boundaries to discuss with your teens:

Physical: Your teens might not be comfortable with certain types of physical touch. These may include holding hands, kissing, or hugging. Perhaps they don’t want to be touched in certain areas. These are important boundaries to have in a relationship.
Sexual: You can discuss your family’s values and principles related to sex. Encourage your teens to think about what they’re comfortable with based on their values and beliefs. Sexual intimacy can leave teenagers feeling vulnerable. So it’s vital to speak about boundaries to prevent premature sexual intimacy.
Emotional: Emotional boundaries help your teens navigate big emotions in a relationship. For instance, your teen may want space and time to cool off before resolving a conflict. Breakups and serious conversations shouldn’t be done over text. And neither party should take out their frustrations on the other. While these might seem like common sense, they are concerns to talk about.
Privacy and personal space: Is your teen’s partner allowed to stay over at your house? Should they be exchanging passwords or looking at each other’s messages?
Financial: How much is your teen comfortable spending on dates? Should both partners take turns paying for meals?

Encourage your teenager to talk openly with their partner from the start. They should both be clear about what they’re okay with and what they’re not.

Also, remind your teens that respect goes both ways. Let them know it’s important to respect their partner’s boundaries.

Tip #3: Don’t take online safety for granted

Connecting with potential love interests online, either through mutual friends on social media or DM-ing someone in your social network, has many risks associated with it.

Your teens should know how to protect themselves online, especially when talking to new people.

There should be clear rules and boundaries for using dating apps for teens under 18.

Here are some pieces of advice to share with your teens:

Sexting and sending nudes is very dangerous, even more so for teens. Don’t be pressured into sending messages or pictures you’re uncomfortable with. Leaked nudes are becoming an increasingly common occurrence.
Remember that what you post stays online. As a rule of thumb, only post updates or photos you’d be comfortable showing your teacher or grandmother.
People might not be who they say they are. Be cautious about trusting new people with your personal information, like your name, address, or school.
Be extra careful if you wish to meet up with the person. Inform either parent beforehand, and meet in a public place. You should tell either parent your entire itinerary and provide regular location or text updates during the date.

Here’s a resource with expert tips for online safety that you can share with your teen.

Telling your teenager to completely avoid social media or talking to people online is impossible. Sometimes, online friendships can bloom into romance. So discuss ground rules as early as possible and stay updated on the apps your teens are using.

Tip #4: Don’t lose sight of your priorities

As a teenager, juggling school, family, extracurricular activities, and relationships can be tricky.

This doesn’t mean teenagers shouldn’t spend time with their partners or go on date nights. But certain rules and boundaries can help them manage their time and energy better.

Some aspects to consider include the following:

Whether they should complete their schoolwork and chores before going out
How much time they should reserve for family dinners or outings
How many days or nights a week they’re allowed to go out
What their curfew is for date nights

Dealing with breakups

Teenagers are still figuring out how to handle big feelings, so breakups can be tough on them.

Your teens might not break the news to you that they’ve ended things with their partner. So look for signs of a breakup.

These may include a change in your teenager’s daily mood, eating habits, school performance, and sleeping routine.

He or she might also withdraw from friends or family members and stop doing activities they used to enjoy.

When your teens are ready to talk about it, there are various ways you can support them, including the following:

Don’t minimize their emotions. Validate their big feelings. Try to make yourself available when your teens need you, and create a non-judgemental space for them to share their experiences.
Listen to them when they’re ready to talk. Don’t interrupt, nag, or make negative remarks like “I told you so” or “It’s not a big deal.” Put away all distractions when your teens are speaking.
Do things that make your teens feel loved. You can sit by them as they watch their favorite movie or you can cook their favorite meal for them.
Encourage them to get support from trusted friends. Your teens might not feel comfortable sharing every single detail with you, and that’s okay.

While breakups are painful, they can be a valuable opportunity for your teenagers to learn how to deal with sadness, anger, and rejection.

Conclusion

Talking about romance, love, and sex with your teens can be awkward. But these aren’t one-and-done conversations.

This is new territory for both you and your teens. Things like rules, boundaries, values, and opinions will change over time. So it’s perfectly normal to revisit these discussions.

With the right approach, you’ll be a safe place your teens will go to in order to get dating advice and emotional support.

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Social Media Addiction and Your Teen: What Can Parents Do?

Updated on February 12, 2025 By Daniel Wong 4 Comments

How much social media is too much for your teen?

How can you spot an addiction in your teen?

When almost everyone uses social media apps, you can’t blame your teenagers for doing the same.

But you might be concerned that your teen’s screen time and social media usage is too high. Maybe they’re prioritizing it over in-person relationships or schoolwork.

As parents, you want to give your teens the freedom to connect online.

But you also hope to encourage them to focus on the most important things in life.

So the question is this: Where do you draw the line between normal and excessive?

In this article, I’ll discuss some of the most common signs of social media addiction in teens. I’ll also explore how to detect and address your teen’s unhealthy attachment to social media.

(And if your teens lack motivation, download your free e-book below.)

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Why is social media addictive?

Why are teens so addicted to social media?

They’re not entirely at fault.

Social media platforms are designed to hook users for as long as possible. That’s because they profit from users viewing content and ads.

These social networking sites have features that encourage users to stay on the platform longer and return more often.

The following are some reasons why social media can be addictive for teens.

Reason #1: Teenagers’ need to fit in

Your teens are naturally wired to crave social connections during their adolescent years. This need to fit in can fuel social media addiction.

The teenage brain experiences great satisfaction when connecting with others. Even revealing personal details like their name or age can have an impact on their brains, which is perceived as a reward.

Interactions on these platforms, such as gaining likes and followers, increase levels of dopamine. This is also known as the “feel-good” hormone.

A like, share, or follow also creates the impression that your teens are gaining approval from their peers.

All this means that social media use is tied to feelings of pleasure and excitement that draw your teenagers back for more.

Reason #2: Personalized content

Social media platforms are also engineered to create a flow-like state.

For instance, TikTok is popular because of its For You Page. This endless scroll feature allows users to view short-form videos curated based on their likes and interests.

Viewing, liking, and commenting on these short-form videos can induce a flow state. This might distort your teenagers’ sense of time, causing them to use the app for longer than intended.

Instagram is another platform that uses the same tactics in the Reels feature of the app.

Reason #3: Constant notifications

Many social media apps will send notifications to their users whenever they receive a like or when there’s some kind of interaction.

The anticipation and excitement of receiving these notifications can be addictive.

Plus, when your teens get these notifications, they’ll feel a strong urge to open the app, drawing them back onto the platform.

Reason #4: Opportunities for self-expression

During adolescence, teenagers are developing their own identities. This process enables them to establish their own belief systems, values, and personal ethics.

Social media allows them to experiment with and explore different identities. Teenagers may also use social media to express their personality and interests.

Because of this, teens might spend a lot of time on social media.

When does social media use become an addiction?

Social media isn’t all bad. Your teenagers might use these social networking sites to seek support and connect with people they can relate to.

Of course, using social media might affect their time management as a student and lead to them procrastinating on schoolwork.

But this doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re addicted.

They might still be doing well in school, going out with friends, and helping out around the house. If so, labeling their social media usage as an addiction might be a stretch.

So when does social media become a harmful addiction?

When your teens’ mental health and school-life balance are impacted by social media, it can be considered a harmful addiction.

Research has found that excessive social media use can increase the risk of depression, anxiety, stress, and low self-esteem. If your teens struggle with an addiction, they might have body image issues and often compare themselves to others on social media.

Studies have also shown that social media can affect academic performance. This explains why you may have noticed a drop in your teenagers’ grades or them falling behind on their schoolwork.

Causes of social media addiction

Around 90% of teens aged 13-17 have used social media, and about 75% report being active on it.

While the majority of teens use social media, some are more likely to be addicted to it compared to others.

The following factors may increase your teen’s risk of an unhealthy attachment to these platforms:

Low self-esteem: Teens with a poorer self-image are more likely to use social media for social support and acceptance. “Harvesting” likes and followers might help to boost their self-esteem temporarily.
Social anxiety: Teenagers with social anxiety typically avoid face-to-face conversations. They might perceive social media as an easier way to build friendships.
Depression: Teenagers who don’t get the emotional support they need might turn to social media to cope with depression.
Loneliness: Connecting with people online may be a way to remedy loneliness. Teens might turn to social media to compensate for a lack of genuine in-person friendships or relationships.
Stress: The more stressed a person is, the more likely he or she is to develop a social media addiction. These platforms can become a means of escaping from reality.
Fear of missing out: Your teens might fear losing their popularity, being left out of inside jokes or conversations, etc. This fear triggers the urge to be on social media and to constantly check their notifications.
Peer pressure: Your teens’ peers may regularly be on social networking platforms. This could pressure them to do the same in order to fit in.

Signs of social media addiction in teens

If you’re concerned that your teens might be addicted to social media, keep an eye out for the following signs:

Taking photos, dressing a certain way, or purchasing expensive items to keep up their online image
Becoming angry or sad if they don’t get “enough” likes or followers
Refusing to go out with friends or family so they can spend more time on social networking sites
Becoming sleep-deprived because they get up in the middle of the night to use social media
Over-sharing details about their personal lives with people they’ve just met online
Getting extremely upset or throwing tantrums if you set limits or confront them
Being distracted by their phones when you spend time with them
Neglecting their assignments and exams due to social media usage
Comparing their body or lifestyle to others on social media
Lying about or trying to hide the extent of their social media usage
Feeling guilty if they don’t reply to a message immediately
Refusing or being unable to put their devices away
Stalking other people on social media

Apart from those signs, social media addiction may sometimes lead to physical symptoms such as:

Fatigue
Back pain
Neck pain
Headaches
Eye strain

Social media withdrawal happens when someone with a strong attachment to social media stops using it suddenly. This could lead to intense cravings to use social media, boredom, or fluctuations in mood.

How to address social media addiction

One thing I’ve learned in my years of coaching teens is this: Harsh parenting leads to conflict, bitterness, and resentment.

This is why threatening your teens or yelling at them to quit social media will backfire.

Without proper guidance, your teenagers will likely fall back into their old habits and find ways to hide them from you.

Here are some tips you can use instead to address your teen’s social media addiction:

Tip #1: Discuss social media usage

Find a time to talk to your teens about the pros and cons of social media.

This is also a great time to remind them that what they see on social media isn’t always realistic. Let them know that they shouldn’t have to dress, talk, or look a certain way to be accepted.

Make sure your communication with your teens is a two-way street.

You can ask them why they feel compelled to be on social media. Listen attentively to their response without interrupting them.

This way, you’ll learn more about the underlying issues fueling this addiction.

Tip #2: Set rules and boundaries related to your teens’ social media usage

Work with your teens to create rules and boundaries.

The following are some examples of rules and boundaries that you and your teens might discuss:

Have a time limit for social media usage. You can get your teens to install apps that prevent access to these platforms once their time is up.
Agree on times when social media usage is not allowed. For instance, your teens might not be allowed to use their phones an hour before bedtime.
Agree on what they can and cannot share online. Let them know what’s appropriate and what isn’t, and remind them that what goes online may stay online forever.
Establish priorities. For example, you might have a house rule that social media use is only permitted once they’ve finished their schoolwork and daily chores.

Tip #3: Schedule daily and weekly device-free times

Having rules that the entire family follows can help to encourage your teens to stick to them.

You can have house rules that dictate when everyone should put away their phones, e.g., during family gatherings and dinners.

You can also plan weekend trips, getaways, or activities with the family to encourage everyone to put away their phones.

You could consider pursuing a new hobby or learning a new skill, sport, or language together with your teenagers to keep them occupied.

Tip #4: Be a role model

As a parent, you might not fully understand the allure of social media. But other things can keep you glued to your phone.

Your teenagers are observing and learning from your behavior. If you’re setting rules for them that you don’t follow, they might call you out for being hypocritical.

So start by setting a good example for your teens. Spend meaningful time with your teenagers, and be sure to put your devices away when you’re with them.

Tip #5: Be there for your teens

Many teenagers turn to social media to remedy feelings of loneliness or stress.

While you might not be able to relate to your teen’s struggles all the time, you can still make yourself available whenever he or she needs support.

Listen attentively to your teens’ problems without judging them. Ask them if you can do anything to help them through the situation.

This way, your teens will be less likely to rely on social media to cope with the underlying issues.

Conclusion

When you create rules related to your teens’ social media use, be consistent. You can discuss these rules with your teens and set consequences for breaking the rules.

You should also keep an eye on your teenagers’ mental and emotional well-being.

Your teens could be experiencing depression, anxiety, or body image issues due to an addiction to social media.

In such a case, it would be best to seek the help of a professional, like a coach or therapist.

(If you haven’t already downloaded your free e-book below, do it right away.)

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Why Your Teenager Doesn’t Want to Spend Time With Family (And How to Change That)

Updated on July 1, 2025 By Daniel Wong 9 Comments

Are you worried that your teen no longer enjoys spending time with the family?

You’ve been making plans and organizing family activities.

But your teens refuse to join in and would rather hang out with their friends or stay in their room.

If your teen seems to be withdrawing, should you just accept it?

Research shows that teens benefit from quality time with family, particularly eating together and leisure activities.

In this article, I’ll discuss possible reasons why your teenager doesn’t want to be with family. I’ll also include some tips on how to address the issue.

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Why teens may not want to spend time with family

A desire for more independence is a natural part of growing up. This stage of life is marked by a process known as individuation – a normal part of becoming an adult.

During this time, teenagers separate themselves from their parents’ influence. This allows them to establish their independence and gain a stronger sense of self.

There are a few possible reasons why your teen has a strong need to develop his or her individuality, including:

Brain development: During this stage, your teenagers are growing in areas such as intelligence, decision-making, and reasoning. They process information in a more sophisticated manner. This also means they’re likely to have opinions and judgments about various matters.
Peer influence: Teenagers begin to value their connection with their peers more. They might be able to relate better to their friends, causing them to lean on their friends more for emotional support.
Need for social acceptance: Research studies show that teenagers typically develop a stronger need to fit in and be accepted. This can lead them to spend more time with their friends than with their parents.
Desire for novel experiences: Most teenagers like to explore and experiment. They develop new interests that might not align with the family’s traditions and activities.

You might feel hurt when your teens say “no” to spending time with the family.

But your teens’ desire to be independent doesn’t mean you’ve failed as a parent. This change is often a natural part of the journey toward adulthood.

Signs that your teen wants to be away from family

Parenting teens is an ever-changing experience. As your kids step into this phase of life, you may notice changes in their behavior and interactions with others.

Behavioral indicators

Signs that your teenagers don’t want to spend time with family include the following:

They’re often out of the house with friends or participating in extracurricular activities.
They don’t want to be seen with you (e.g., asking you to drop them off a block away from their destination).
They frequently come up with excuses to miss family gatherings or activities.
Their need for privacy increases (e.g., they often lock their room door).
They spend more time exploring new hobbies or interests.
The conversations you have with them are short and one-sided.

Emotional indicators

You might also notice that your teens’ emotions, body language, and tone of speech change when they’re around you.

Here are some emotional indicators that your teenagers don’t want to spend time with the family:

Their body language or tone indicates they’re unhappy or disinterested around you (e.g., crossed arms, lack of eye contact).
They seem emotionally distant or disconnected.
There’s an increase in conflicts between you and your teens.
They don’t discuss their thoughts, feelings, or struggles with you.
During family activities, they lack enthusiasm.

Your teens will naturally have an increased need for independence, leading to the changes listed above.

Having said that, you’ll also have to consider how you’re interacting with and parenting your teens.

The parenting methods that worked well when they were children are unlikely to continue working when they’re teenagers.

How to include your teens in family activities

As a parent, you might feel upset when your teens reject the plans you propose. In frustration, you may nag or criticize them.

Teenagers are especially sensitive to criticism at this stage of their lives. So this can backfire and cause them to distance themselves even more from the family.

Instead, here are some things you can do to encourage your teens to participate in family activities:

Let them plan the activity: You can let your teens decide what the family should do. Taking turns to make plans for the family can make everyone feel more involved and connected.
Choose activities they enjoy: Ask your teens to suggest things they’d like to do. As long as their suggestions are safe and reasonable, give them a try.
Tell them in advance: If you plan to do something as a family, let your teens know in advance. Ask them if they have any preferred date or time. This shows that you respect their time.
Communicate your expectations: Sit down and discuss the non-negotiables with your teens. Prioritize events and activities they should be part of, and make this a house rule for your teens. These might include things like celebrating a family member’s birthday or participating in an annual family tradition.
Create family routines and traditions: For example, you might decide to eat out as a family every Sunday evening or watch a movie together every last Friday of the month. Having scheduled and routine activities can take the pressure out of planning and create a culture of spending time together as a family.

Ways to address your teen not wanting to be with family

Have you ever wondered what to do when your teenagers shut you out?

Maybe your teens have been isolating themselves from the family or giving you the cold shoulder whenever you talk to them.

No parent is perfect. But it’s still important for us as parents to reflect on how we treat and communicate with our teenagers.

Here are some tips on how you can foster a stronger bond with your teenagers and encourage them to spend time with the family:

Respect their boundaries and privacy. Your teenagers may distance themselves from you if you overstep their boundaries. Some examples include asking too many questions, frequently reading their text messages, and not allowing them to hang out with their friends.
Listen when they speak. When your teens share their interests, struggles, or the events of their day, it’s important to listen actively. Avoid interrupting them or talking over them. Acknowledge their feelings and opinions. This will create an emotionally safe space for them.
Avoid blaming and shaming. Don’t start conversations by criticizing, blaming, or shaming your teens. Be understanding and empathetic when your teens tell you about a problem or challenge they’re facing. Help them reflect on what they could have done better without belittling or lecturing them.
Spend time with them regularly. Eat dinner together, or invite them to join you while running errands, then grab a snack at their favorite place on the way home. You can also learn a new sport or pick up a new hobby with your teens.
Be present. When your teenagers need you, be there for them as much as possible. Support them at competitions and make time for them when they need a shoulder to lean (or cry) on.

It’s essential to build a strong bond with your teens.

Research shows that teens who have strong bonds with their parents and spend time with them regularly have fewer behavioral problems. They’re also less likely to take part in delinquent or risky behaviors.

What to do if your teenager wants to move out

If your teen tells you that he or she wants to move out, you might feel shocked. But it’s important to assess the situation objectively if your teen brings up the topic.

Let’s say that your teen isn’t old enough or isn’t capable of living independently yet. If so, it’s best to keep your teen at home or to get your teen to live with other family members (if that’s a viable option).

Here are some steps you can take if your teenager wants to move out:

Find out the real reason why. Try to get to the root of why he or she wants to leave. Your teen may want more independence or may want to live closer to school.
Approach the situation calmly. If your teen threatens to leave during a fight, ensure that both of you take the time and space needed to cool down before discussing the issue calmly.
Work through the problems together. If a relationship or family issue is the main reason your teen wants to move out, it needs to be addressed right away. You can do this by working through your parent-teen conflicts or attending family therapy.
Help your teen assess if he or she is ready. Depending on your teen’s age and maturity level, you can calmly lay out the realities of moving out, such as rent, insurance, groceries, etc. This might help your teen realize the benefits of living at home until he or she is truly ready to live independently. You might need to teach your teenagers life skills like cooking or budgeting to prepare them for the move.

Conclusion

A healthy parent-teen relationship takes time and persistence to cultivate.

Show empathy and basic respect whenever you communicate with your teenagers.

Make sure they feel as if you’re treating them as people – not problems to be solved or projects to be worked on.

As you build a strong relationship with your teens, they’ll look forward to spending time with you and the family!

(If you haven’t already done so, download your free e-book below.)

FREE E-BOOK:

Get your FREE copy of

16 Keys to Motivating Your Teenager.

The e-book has already been downloaded by many thousands of parents, so don't miss out!