Understanding Teenage Tantrums: Causes, Management, and Prevention

May 20, 2023 By Daniel Wong 2 Comments

Do you feel like you’re treading on thin ice when you’re around your teen?

Maybe a quick reminder to do his chores is met with a fit.

Or a request to put her phone away at the dining table turns into a big argument.

Teenage tantrums happen when your teen displays an emotional outburst of frustration and anger. As a parent, it can be difficult to handle.

It can leave you feeling exhausted, and make you wonder why your teenager hates you.

It’s common to think that screaming teenagers are either spoiled or disrespectful. Some parents might write it off as teenage attitude. But this is a simplistic view.

Tantrums happen for various reasons, and getting angry at your teen will only make the situation worse.

So, what can you do as a parent?

Understanding the issue at a deeper level is a good first step.

In this article, I’ll explain the most common causes of teenage tantrums and the best ways to manage them.

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Understanding the causes of teenage tantrums

The real reasons behind your teenager’s outbursts aren’t always obvious.

It’s similar to having a fever caused by an underlying ailment. Treating the cause is a longer-lasting solution than just treating the fever.

Similarly, parents need to look deeper when dealing with teenage outbursts.

Here are some possible causes of your teen’s temper tantrums:

Hormonal changes: As teens go through puberty, hormonal shifts can influence their mood. This makes them more susceptible to anxiety, stress, sadness, and frustration.
Social and emotional development: The part of the brain involved in self-regulation doesn’t fully mature until early adulthood. So teenagers aren’t able to process negative emotions as well as adults.
Lack of communication skills: Your teens might not know how to effectively communicate their needs and wants. For instance, asking for more autonomy, freedom, or a bigger part in decision-making are sensitive issues that can be tricky to navigate. As such, tantrums are sometimes an indirect result of a lack of communication skills.
Environmental factors: Exams, looming deadlines, conflicts with friends, the pressure to fit in, and relationship issues can be a lot to handle for teens. This can contribute to teens’ mood swings and angry outbursts.
Mental health issues: Depression, anxiety, ADHD, and other mental health issues can influence a teen’s mood and emotions. For example, teens with ADHD may feel irritated more often, as ADHD affects impulse control.

Of course, some of these causes may not directly be your teens’ fault. But this doesn’t absolve them from taking responsibility for their emotions and actions.

Signs of teenage tantrums

Temper tantrums don’t have to only involve screaming teens.

A variety of behaviors can indicate that your teens are in the midst of a tantrum, including:

Isolating themselves
Screaming, shouting, or swearing
Giving others the cold shoulder
Stomping or pacing
Moaning or whining
Acting aggressively
Throwing items
Crying

The impact of teenage tantrums on adolescents and their environment

Tantrums can impact your teenagers and those around them in various ways.

Some possible consequences that you and your teens might face include:

Your teens might struggle to form healthy relationships with others.
Your teens’ behavioral problems may affect their performance in school.
Your home may no longer feel like a safe space for you and your family.
Your emotional and mental well-being could be affected.
Your relationship with your teens may become strained.

The good news is that emotional regulation is a skill that your teens can learn.

Instilling this valuable life skill in your teens will equip them to manage negative emotions and challenges in the future.

Effective strategies for managing teenage tantrums

Small and intentional changes can make a huge difference. These tips will help you teach your teens how to respect others, communicate effectively, and regulate their emotions.

1. Recognize the triggers

After your teen has a tantrum, think about what events led up to it.

Was your teen trying to share his or her thoughts but felt unheard? Did your teen ask to go out with his or her friends or participate in an activity and you said no?

By recognizing your teen’s triggers, you can learn how to approach certain topics in the future. This will also help you to understand when your teen needs to be heard, is asking for help, or requires emotional support.

2. Respond calmly

When your teen starts to scream at you, it may feel instinctual to respond with anger. But mirroring your teen’s behavior isn’t going to help.

Respect is a two-way street, so refrain from shouting back, making threats, or talking down to your teenager.

Remind yourself to pause and take a deep breath. Modeling self-control and emotional regulation is a great way to lead by example. Your actions will speak much louder than your words ever will at that moment.

You may need to give both you and your teen some time and space before coming back together to work things out.

3. Create a safe space

Create a safe space for your teens to be heard. Be present, listen attentively, and let them speak without any interruptions.

Let them feel safe, seen, and heard, even if they aren’t acting like their best selves.

This reassures them that you’ll be there for them whenever they go through challenging situations.

4. Encourage communication

Communicate with your teens by occasionally paraphrasing what they’ve said. This lets them know that you’re listening and that you acknowledge their feelings are valid.

If your teen doesn’t seem to be calming down, remove yourself from the situation. Once your son or daughter has calmed down, you can discuss possible solutions and ways to work through the issue at hand.

5. Set limits and boundaries

When the tantrum has passed, set reasonable boundaries. Your teenagers must understand that bad behavior isn’t a tool to get what they want.

Teach your teens that being angry or frustrated is okay. But shouting, throwing things, swearing, or disrespecting others is never okay.

Let them know what the consequences of these actions will be, and follow through on the rules you’ve set.

Work with your teenagers to create these rules. Including your teenagers in the process will help them to see that you value their input. This can help to reduce the occurrence of future tantrums.

6. Seek professional help

Seeking help isn’t a sign of weakness. It’s one of the bravest things a parent can do.

Therapists, psychologists, and coaches are well-equipped to help your teen. (I work with teens 1-to-1 through this coaching program, so I’d be happy to help.)

And if you’re concerned that a mental health condition is affecting your teen’s behavior, now is the time to engage a professional before the situation gets worse.

Conclusion

Your teens are learning how to handle their big emotions. In a fast-paced, high-stress world, the best thing you can offer them is empathy, patience, and guidance.

Managing teenage tantrums is challenging, so don’t be too hard on yourself if you don’t get it right the first time around.

Keep persisting and you’ll find approaches that work for you and your teen. And remember to always be kind to and patient with yourself!

(Don’t forget to download your free quick action guide below.)

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How Do You Deal With a Compulsive Lying Teenager? (5 Strategies That Work)

May 2, 2023 By Daniel Wong 4 Comments

Are you at your wits’ end dealing with a compulsive lying teenager?

You’re not alone.

When looking at behavior related to lying in people aged 6 to 77, researchers found that adolescence was the peak of dishonesty.

In a separate study, it was found that high school students told 4.1 lies on average during a 24-hour span. That’s 150% higher than adults.

If your teenager’s lies go beyond harmless fibs and become consistent and habitual, it’s something to be concerned about.

Honesty is one of the fundamental rules for success in life. Frequent lying erodes trust, leading to strained relationships.

So why do teens feel the need to lie, and how do you know if it’s a problem?

This article explores what’s going on with compulsive lying teens and what you – as a parent – can do about it.

(And if your teen lacks motivation, download a copy of the e-book below.)

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Is your teenager a compulsive liar?

Do you feel concerned about how often you catch your teen telling lies?

As a parent, no amount of lying from your teenager ever feels acceptable. But it’s particularly concerning when your teen’s lies seem to have no purpose or explanation.

This may indicate a more serious problem – a pattern of pathological lying.

Here are some things to look out for in an adolescent who might be a pathological liar:

Lying a lot in a variety of situations
Lying without a specific purpose or reason
Consistently lying over an extended period of time
‌No other mental conditions or disorders that explain the lying

If these things are true about your teen, this could indicate compulsive lying. This means that your teen needs professional help.

Why do teenagers lie?

Research suggests that lying is most common for teens between the ages of 13-15. This is due to their intense desire for freedom at this stage of their development.

Studies have found several factors that can cause teenagers to lie:

To define their own rules: Many teens feel the need to assert their freedom and independence by making their own choices in life. In contrast, many parents try to control or restrict their teens’ behavior. As such, teens may hide the truth.
To avoid getting punished: It makes sense to have house rules. Such rules help to maintain respect and create healthy boundaries. When teens break these rules, they may lie to avoid conflict and steer clear of punishments.
To cover for their friends: Teens may lie because they want to be a loyal friend, so they feel compelled to take the blame to protect a friend.
To avoid disappointing their parents: Teens may lie because they want the approval of their parents and want to avoid causing disappointment. For example, instead of admitting they fell behind in school, they may lie about their homework or grades.
To hide their emotions: Teens may struggle to express their emotions. It can feel safer to lie than to express how they really feel.

What can parents do about compulsive lying?

If your teenager lies compulsively, you probably feel frustrated or angry. But rest assured that there are strategies you can employ to improve the situation. Here are five of them:

1. Be a positive role model

Your words and actions have a profound influence on your teens. If you tell a little white lie here and there, your teens may consider this acceptable behavior and follow your lead.

If you realize that you sometimes lie, make a commitment to living a life of complete integrity.

Make it your priority to become a positive role model for your teens. Talk to them about what you’re doing to become a more honest person, and share your progress with them.

2. Create a safe space for your teenager to open up

It can be challenging for parents and teens to speak openly, particularly when discussing sensitive topics.

Communicating with teens requires intentional effort. But if your teens feel like they can speak with you without the fear of judgment, they’ll be more likely to tell the truth.

Try the following tips:

Use more “I” statements and fewer “you” statements. Tell your teens how you feel, instead of what they did wrong. “I was worried when I couldn’t reach you” is an example of an “I” statement. “You’re always avoiding my calls!” is an example of a “you” statement.
Speak clearly and simply. Communicate in easy-to-understand and specific terms. Don’t give long lectures. Instead, get to the point quickly when sharing your concerns with your teenagers.
Practice active listening. Communication is a two-way street. Encourage open dialogue by listening respectfully, especially when you disagree with your teens. Take the time to understand your teens’ perspective before responding.
Focus on the issue at hand. Bringing up several issues or problems at once will make the situation worse. Focus on the issue at hand and don’t bring up the past.

3. Set rules and boundaries together as a team

If you set all the rules and boundaries without any input from your teens, they’ll feel it’s unfair or unreasonable.

For example, maybe you set a 10 pm curfew for your teens for the weekends. But all of your teens’ friends can stay out until 11 pm. If your teens get home after 10 pm, they’ll be more likely to lie.

A lie about missing the bus is a convenient cover.

Have an open dialogue with your teenagers about the rules and boundaries they’re expected to keep to. Resolve disagreements respectfully together as a team.

This will build mutual respect and trust.

4. Stay in control of your emotions

If you find out that your teens have been lying to you, it can make you feel frustrated and disappointed.

But blowing your top won’t help the situation.

If you lose control of your emotions, it will create an emotional distance between you and your teens. They may give you the silent treatment and refuse to talk things out.

Calm down before speaking with your teens about their actions. Explain the consequences of lying and how you feel.

With a level-headed approach, your teens will be more likely to take responsibility for their mistakes. They’ll also be more likely to make better decisions in the future.

5. Avoid labeling your teenager as a liar

If you give your teenagers negative labels, it will affect how they perceive themselves. It will also affect their self-esteem. Research shows that such labeling is harmful and can cause people to feel devalued.

If you label your teen a liar, he or she may feel defined by it. Instead of trying to be more honest, he or she will continue lying, maybe even to prove you right.

Instead of labeling your teenagers, apply Strategy #2 and get to the root of why they felt the need to lie in the first place. Only then can you begin to work through the issue together.

Conclusion

Dealing with a compulsive lying teenager is tough for any parent.

Start by understanding the reasons why your teen lies. If it’s a deeply ingrained pattern that resembles pathological lying, it’s time to get professional help for your teen.

Fortunately, most teens lie for reasons that parents can understand or at least relate to.

Start applying the strategies outlined in this article and be patient. Over time, you’ll foster honest communication between you and your teen.

And if your teen lacks motivation and a sense of responsibility, check out my online course for parents of teens. It’s a proven, step-by-step system to help you get your teen on the right track – guaranteed!

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16 Keys to Motivating Your Teenager.

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My Teenager Hates Me: What Can I Do as a Parent?

Updated on February 6, 2023 By Daniel Wong Leave a Comment

Have you ever thought to yourself, “My teenager hates me”?

It’s more common than you might think for teens to say that they hate their parents.

As your teenager moves through adolescence, you may be on the receiving end of harsh words. This can leave you feeling unappreciated, frustrated, and angry.

So what can you do to change your teen’s hurtful behavior and address your teen’s unmet emotional needs?

Learning some new parenting strategies is an excellent start.

The tips in this article will help you build a better and more respectful relationship with your teen.

Let’s start by exploring some common reasons teens become angry with their parents.

(And if your teen also doesn’t listen to you, make sure to download the quick action guide below.)

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Why do teenagers hate their parents?

Through the thousands of hours I’ve spent coaching teens 1-to-1, I’ve gained valuable insights into this issue.

I’ve uncovered common themes in what teenagers find annoying and frustrating about their parents.

Below is a list of the most common complaints I’ve heard from teens about their parents:

Reason #1: Their parents frequently remind them not to waste their potential

Telling teens that they aren’t living up to their potential may seem like a good idea – but it can have an adverse effect.

Teenagers often feel like a failure if they’re on the receiving end of this type of comment. It also leads teens to believe that their parents’ love is dependent on how successful they are.

Here’s what to do instead…

Without nagging or lecturing your teens, encourage them to reflect on their current situation. Help them to gain self-awareness without criticizing or reprimanding them. Ask them gently about what they plan to do to make progress.

Don’t forget to celebrate small wins along the way. You can also make positive comments to acknowledge your teens’ effort when they work hard or implement good study habits, regardless of the outcome.

Reason #2: Their parents overreact to small mistakes

We all make mistakes. It’s a part of how we learn and grow.

But the way you respond to your teens’ mistakes can cause problems.

For example, your teenager might have lost track of time while hanging out with his friends. He’s now late in getting home, and you’re annoyed.

It’s important to take a step back and respond rather than react.

You can do this by first asking your teen why he’s late. Once you understand the situation better, you can then discuss strategies with him to prevent the same thing from happening in the future.

For example, he might decide to set an alarm on his phone as a reminder for him to start heading home.

The key is to not overreact. If you frequently overreact, it will create emotional distance between you and your teen.

Reason #3: Their parents continually criticize and nag them

When raising teenagers, there will be opportunities for you to provide constructive criticism. Nevertheless, no one enjoys receiving constant criticism.

If you continually criticize your teens, it will hurt their self-esteem. Your teens might even become convinced that it’s impossible to live up to your expectations.

Try replacing negative comments with acknowledgments of your teens’ progress. Make a positive comment whenever you observe your teens trying hard or behaving responsibly.

This is a fantastic way to motivate your teenagers and show them that you’re their biggest supporter.

Reason #4: Their parents overemphasize academic achievement

Academics are important. But they aren’t the only aspect of your teens’ life worth discussing.

Rather than only asking your teens questions related to school, focus on building a connection with them. Try starting conversations by talking about things that your teens are interested in.

Find out more about what they like and dislike, and about what their perspective is on various issues.

The deeper the connection you have with your teens, the more likely it is that you’ll be able to influence them when it counts.

Reason #5: They feel disrespected by their parents

Nobody likes to be talked down to or treated disrespectfully.

Even though you have more knowledge and experience than your teenagers, avoid being condescending.

Think back to when you were a teenager. You probably thought you knew better than your parents, so don’t be surprised if your teens think they know better than you!

So treat your teens with respect, if not it’ll be hard for you to expect the same kind of treatment from them.

Reason #6: They feel as if their interests aren’t valued

As individuals, we all have unique interests. These are things that spark our curiosity or inspire us. It’s what makes us who we are.

Parents often overlook the things that matter to their teenagers. When you continually focus on how your teens are doing in their academics or sports, they may feel like you’re not treating them as people.

They may feel like you’re treating them as a project.

So try to not be dismissive of things that are important to your teens, but which you might think are a waste of time, e.g. gaming, shows, social media.

The more you get to know your teen, the more they will understand how much you care about them.

Reason #7: They feel pressured to pursue their parents’ dreams

As a parent, it can be tempting to view your teens as younger versions of yourself.

You work hard to provide opportunities for your teens to do things you couldn’t do when you were younger. Perhaps you overemphasize a certain career path or extracurricular interest.

But I encourage you not to do this. If you do, it will only end with frustration and disappointment.

Don’t pressure your teenagers to pursue your dreams.

Your teens have their own identities and interests. You need to respect their individuality and support them as they work toward goals they find meaningful.

Reason #8: Their parents refuse to apologize when they’re wrong

One of the reasons your teenagers may hate you is that you never – or almost never – apologize.

As a parent, it can be tough to admit when you’re wrong. The truth is, anyone you’ve harmed through your words or actions deserves an apology.

If you’re in the wrong or you’ve messed up, acknowledge it to your teens.

Apologizing takes courage, but it models responsible behavior for your teenagers. It can inspire them to do the same when faced with a similar situation.

Reason #9: Their parents don’t include them in the decision-making process

As teens get older, they’ll start to test existing boundaries. This is normal! Teens are in the process of figuring out who they are and taking steps toward independence.

As such, it only makes sense to include your teens in setting rules and boundaries.

This doesn’t mean you should become a pushover. Working in collaboration to establish healthy boundaries is beneficial to both parents and teens.

An additional bonus is that your teen will see that you’re willing to negotiate.

For example, let’s say you want to set a curfew. This will give you peace of mind while also teaching your teen the importance of responsibility.

You can sit down together and decide on an appropriate time. As a parent, you have the final say, but the goal is to have a respectful discussion.

By involving teens in the decision-making process, you empower them to be more responsible. At the same time, they’ll also develop negotiation skills.

Reason #10: Their parents don’t really listen to them

The best person to answer the question, “Why does my teenager hate me?” is your teenager. If you listen carefully, you’ll come to understand why he or she feels resentful or frustrated.

Listening is one of the greatest gifts you can give your teenager.

Some teenagers go through a phase where they spend more time alone as they deal with difficult issues. This reluctance to open up can cause them to be misunderstood.

As a parent, it’s important to learn specific strategies for how to talk to teens. Invite them to open up and listen without judgment when they do. The key is to go beyond just listening and make sure your teens feel heard and supported.

Reason #11: Their parents downplay their feelings

When your teenagers are upset, the last thing they want to hear is, “Oh, it’s nothing to get upset about.”

So don’t dismiss or downplay your teens’ feelings. Doing so invalidates and minimizes issues that are important to your teens.

If this continues, your teens will eventually stop opening up to you.

Be there for your teens not only in the good times, but also in the tough times. It can be a great relief for teenagers to express anger, sadness, or frustration and know their parents will support them instead of judging them.

Reason #12: Their parents focus on rules and neglect the relationship

Every household needs rules to ensure everything runs smoothly. But making rules the focal point of everything is ineffective. It can also hurt your relationship with your teen.

For example, let’s say that you and your family have agreed to eat dinner together at 7pm. But your teen suddenly feels like eating earlier because she needs to work on an assignment. This isn’t the end of the world!

Yes, family time is important, but your teen also needs some flexibility. So you can discuss with her how you can work around this situation while still understanding the values that matter to your family.

As with many things, balance is key.

Conclusion

As a parent, there are a variety of ways to mend the relationship with your teen. So don’t lose hope!

Start by identifying which of the reasons listed in this article ring true for you and your teen. Then, put the relevant tips into practice to help your teen become less frustrated and resentful.

As you do this, you’ll bring out the best in your teen and strengthen the relationship too.

And if your teenager is also unmotivated or irresponsible, try my online course for parents of teens. It’s a step-by-step system called Transform Your Teen Today. It’s been proven to work and it even comes with a 100% money-back guarantee!

FREE QUICK ACTION GUIDE:

Get your FREE copy of

10 Proven Ways to Get Your Teenager to Listen to You.

The tips are guaranteed to help you get through to your teen, so download your copy today!

How to Get Teenagers to Do Their Homework (9 Effective Strategies for Parents)

October 4, 2022 By Daniel Wong 1 Comment

As a parent, you’ve probably asked yourself many times how you can get your teenagers to do their homework.

“I’ll do it later”, “I’ve done enough studying today,” or “leave me alone” are not uncommon phrases to hear when asking teens about the status of their assignments.

If this sounds like your household, don’t worry – you’re not alone.

Social media, streaming platforms, and online gaming have become very popular. It’s no wonder that teens find it difficult to focus on their studies, and parents struggle with motivating their teenagers.

If you want to learn how to motivate teens to do their homework, then you’re in the right place. I’ve outlined 9 strategies you can use to get your teens to do their schoolwork.

Let’s take a closer look.

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1. Create a routine

Life with teenagers can be chaotic. As such, establishing a study routine for them to commit to can improve their productivity dramatically.

Think about when your teens are the most productive – whether it’s when they get home from school or later in the evening after they’ve had some downtime.

Study blocks are a good approach to use. Encourage your teens to set aside one- to two-hour blocks each day and dedicate them to homework.

This may change depending on the day and what other activities or chores your teens need to do.

You can help by setting up a calendar that highlights the times available each day. If your teenagers have a time frame to work with and know they can have some downtime, it can be motivating.

2. Provide a distraction-free space to work

It’s natural for teenagers’ workspaces to become cluttered over time.

But when it comes to motivating your teens to do their homework, it’s vital to clear some space and provide an environment that’s free from distractions.

Research shows that maintaining a clutter-free area can enhance productivity. Lighting, temperature, and noise are also factors to consider when creating an environment that’s conducive to studying.

Adding motivational quotes for students on sticky notes around the room can help to keep your teens going if they start to lose steam.

3. Don’t force your teen to do the homework

At the end of the day, it’s your teen’s responsibility to do the homework. As a parent, you can only do so much to help.

If you force your teens to do their homework by using threats and punishments, they’ll become resentful.

It will likely lead to a power struggle, and your teens will become more rebellious and defiant.

Have calm discussions with your teens about the expectations related to schoolwork, and take the time to understand their perspective.

Then you can work together with them to find some solutions that everyone involved finds acceptable.

4. Establish that homework is your teen’s responsibility

It’s only natural to want to see your teenagers succeed by focusing on studying and putting in their best effort.

That’s why getting teens to do their homework is a common point of frustration for many parents.

The problem is that this often leads to situations where parents become more invested in their teens’ study time than their teens are. It’s important to remember that homework is your teen’s responsibility, not yours.

While you can offer them help and guidance, you should never take ownership of their schoolwork.

I’m sure you want to raise happy and successful teens, and one of the best ways to do that is to ensure they understand what their responsibilities are.

5. Set expectations and consequences

Establishing clear expectations and consequences can improve your and your teenager’s experience with school work.

You’ll want to avoid harshly laying down the law when it comes to getting your teens to do their homework. This approach will backfire and will cause them to rebel.

Instead, take some time to calmly communicate with your teens and actively listen to them.

The conversation you have should be collaborative. Go through your expectations when it comes to your teen’s homework and the consequences of not meeting those expectations. Make sure everything is clearly outlined, and make sure that your teen finds the expectations reasonable.

By taking this approach, you’ll avoid – or at least minimise – arguments about unfinished assignments in the future.

6. Do your best not to micromanage your teen

Sometimes, pushing your teenagers too hard to do their homework or checking in too frequently can backfire and make them push back.

You may find that when left on their own, teenagers can be productive and finish what they need to.

Make a conscious decision to give your teens space to work on their own. Your teen will see this trust as a sign of confidence, which will strengthen your relationship.

7. Work on your tasks at the same time as your teen

As adults, we have some form of “homework” that needs to be done too, such as things related to invoices, bills, investments, online courses, etc.

So use this as an opportunity to set an example for your teenagers. If they’re open to the idea, do your “homework” while they’re doing their homework.

By spending time together and being productive, you can be a positive role model for your teenagers. You can show them what it looks like to take on tasks, finish them, and enjoy the feeling of accomplishment.

8. Stay calm and communicate clearly

When trying to motivate your teens to do their homework, stay calm and avoid arguing with them. Yelling will only distance your teens from you and make the subject of homework one that’s tinged with negativity.

Nurture your relationship with your teenager by speaking to them calmly and listening to what they have to say.

Show them that you value their opinions and reinforce that their voice matters.

9. Help your teen prioritise

As a parent, I’m sure you have a to-do list. It’s not always possible to get through it every day, but prioritising the most important tasks can do wonders.

The same thing goes for teenagers and their homework.

If your teens are open to the idea, sit down with them to help them prioritise their most important tasks. That way, when their energy level is at its peak, they can begin with the more time-consuming or challenging assignments.

When they learn to prioritise, they’ll be less overwhelmed and more focused.

Conclusion

Homework is an essential part of every student’s life.

As a parent, you understand the importance of your teens doing their best in school so that they’ll make the most of their potential.

So it’s about finding that happy medium between how to get your teens to do their homework while also giving them the chance to take complete ownership of their education.

You won’t always be there to give your teens a nudge, so by applying the tips in this article, they’ll be on their way to becoming responsible and effective students.

(If you’d like your teenagers to become more motivated, make sure to download the free e-book below!)

FREE E-BOOK:

Get your FREE copy of

16 Keys to Motivating Your Teenager.

The e-book has already been downloaded by

many thousands of parents, so don't miss out!

7 Tips for Parenting ADHD Teens

July 16, 2022 By Daniel Wong 1 Comment

Parenting ADHD teens is especially tough, which I’m sure you already know.

You want to help your teens get on the right path, but they’re resistant to rules and they get annoyed when you give them reminders.

But it doesn’t have to be a constant struggle.

Teens with ADHD (attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder) can learn strategies to help them focus as well as calm themselves.

As a parent, you can find the best ways to support them – leading to less conflict and more connection.

All parents want their teens to be happy and successful. Raising teens with ADHD means providing the proper foundation, tools, and strategies to help them succeed.

That’s what we’ll be talking about in this article.

(If your teen lacks motivation, make sure to download the free e-book below.)

FREE E-BOOK:

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16 Keys to Motivating Your Teenager.

The e-book has already been downloaded by

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7 effective parenting strategies

Believing in your teenagers and supporting their efforts is essential to navigating life with teenagers who have ADHD.

Such teens need extra reassurance and may feel frustrated because they can’t keep pace with their non-ADHD peers and siblings. These are all natural feelings.

If you’d like to know how to deal with an ADHD teenager, keep reading.

Here are 7 strategies that work:

1. Encourage your teen to exercise

Teenagers with ADHD often have excess energy. You might notice that your teen fidgets or is unable to sit still. In these instances, your efforts to get your teen to focus will feel fruitless.

Now’s the time to take a deep breath.

Remember, your teen isn’t ignoring you or trying to make you angry.

Physical activity is beneficial for the mind and the body, but motivating teens to do what’s good for them can be tough.

Find fun exercises or activities that your teen will enjoy doing. Exercise will burn off some of that extra energy and, in turn, calm your teen.

Exercise stimulates healthy brain function, regulates sleep, and enables your teen to concentrate better.

2. Establish and enforce rules

The teenage years are when teens start testing boundaries and pushing for more autonomy.

But teens with ADHD need more structure because they have difficulty understanding how to behave without established and consistent rules.

Don’t argue with your teen. Instead, communicate with your teen about your expectations and create rules that everyone agrees on.

Once you and your teen have agreed on a set of rules and expectations, it’s essential to make sure you consistently enforce them to maintain structure.

You can try creating a checklist of what needs to be done around the house and for school.

By doing this, your teenager will know exactly what’s expected of him or her and will have something to refer to if distraction kicks in.

Here are some other strategies you can use:

Set a timer for certain chores or tasks to emphasise the importance of completing one task at a time.
Positively reinforce good behaviour to motivate your teen to keep following the rules. (Teenagers with ADHD typically find praise more meaningful than teenagers who don’t have ADHD.)
Think about issues that will likely come up in the future and brainstorm ways to deal with those issues together with your teen.

Teens need to discover the world around them and become more independent.

But parenting teens with ADHD means you need to provide extra guidance and strategies to ensure they do so safely and successfully.

3. Give appropriate consequences

When parenting a teen with ADHD, it’s vital to know the difference between punishment and discipline.

Now that you and your teen have worked together to establish a structure that works, you need to agree on the appropriate consequences.

Teens with ADHD are more likely to break the rules because they forgot, got distracted, or became overwhelmed. As such, you need to ensure that the consequences you put in place are appropriate.

For example:

If your teens aren’t home by curfew – no going out the following weekend.
If your teens leave their things in a mess around the house – those items get taken away for three days.
If your teens don’t complete their chores – no video games until after they’ve done the chores.

When you set consequences that aren’t reasonable, your teens will become frustrated and resentful.

So be sure to explain to them why you’re carrying out the consequence. Discuss the situation with them and see if they need further help or support.

For instance, if the issue is punctuality, your teen might decide to set a recurring alarm. You could also encourage your teen to participate in structured activities that teach the importance of being on time.

4. Encourage social interaction

The average teenager is busy. A teen’s calendar fills up fast between school, other activities, and spending time with friends.

Most ADHD teens aren’t like their peers when it comes to socialising.

Teens with ADHD can feel lonely and isolated. These feelings can lead to lower self-esteem and cause difficulties in building and maintaining friendships.

As a parent, you can provide opportunities for your teenager to participate in structured social activities like sports or clubs. These activities can help to meet the need for social interaction, while also enabling your teenager to focus on one activity at a time.

5. Foster a positive attitude

Keeping the lines of communication open with teenagers is a key way to foster a positive attitude in them.

ADHD teens need this because life is more challenging for them as compared to teens without ADHD. Teens with ADHD often feel like they’re letting others down when they’re unable to follow through on their commitments.

Saying positive things to your teens and framing feedback constructively will build their self-esteem. For instance, rather than accusing your teen of not studying when he or she receives a bad grade, explore what factors contributed to the bad grade. Have a discussion with your teen about what you can do to help.

Focus on the progress your teen is making, and celebrate even small successes.

This way, when your ADHD teen needs assistance solving a problem or making a decision, he or she will be more likely to turn to you.

Words of encouragement like “I appreciate it when you complete your chores” and “You’re getting better at this” will mean a lot to your teen too.

6. Give clear and effective directions

Parenting approaches that work for non-ADHD teens don’t always work for ADHD teens.

For instance, you might be used to saying, “Please get dressed, make your bed, and eat your breakfast.”

The problem is that a teen with ADHD might hear, “Please get dressed, blah, blah, blah.”

This is because your teen is thinking about what to wear or trying to pack his bag, so he can’t process the rest of your request.

Try to give only one instruction at a time. It may also be useful for you to write down the morning routine in concise steps. When your teen is distracted or having difficulty figuring out what to do next, he or she can refer to the list to get back on track.

When teens receive clear and effective directions, they’ll be able to complete tasks more easily. As a result, they’ll feel better about themselves too.

7. Create an ADHD-friendly study environment

ADHD teens need to be actively engaged with what they’re learning.

If you’re wondering how to help your teenager study more effectively, it’s not as difficult as you might think.

One of the best ways to create a suitable study environment for your teen is to have room for movement.

When your teen feels restless, encourage him or her to get up and move around. Your teen can schedule a five-minute break where he or she can jog on the spot or do a set of jumping jacks.

In addition, studies have shown that having something to fidget with while studying leads to better concentration in ADHD teens.

They also need to find creative ways to learn. The more they engage with a subject, the more information they’ll retain.

They can do mini science experiments, create fun math problems, and think of real-world applications of the concepts they’re learning. The more interactive the learning approach, the more focused they’ll be.

Conclusion

When it comes to parenting ADHD teens, communication is key.

Teens with ADHD need extra support and understanding in order to thrive.

The best way to do this is through communicating expectations, being present, maintaining a positive attitude, and being a source of continual encouragement.

As you work together with your teen, you’ll build the right foundation for your teen to find long-term success and fulfilment!

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How to Communicate With Teenagers (11 Actionable Tips for Parents)

Updated on May 10, 2023 By Daniel Wong 2 Comments

Are you having trouble communicating with your teen?

As a parent, you know that communication is key.

But your teenager may not be opening up to talk to you about day-to-day matters, much less difficult ones.

I coach teens for a living, so I often speak with parents who are struggling to find ways to open the lines of communication with their teens.

Communication can be complex, but the good news is that parenting teens is a skill that you can get better at.

(I’m a father of three myself, so I know there’s always room for me to improve as a parent!)

In this article, I’ll discuss the topic of how to talk to your teenagers so they’ll listen to you and behave responsibly.

Apply the tips below and your relationship with your teen will become stronger too!

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11 tips for communicating with teenagers

How should I talk to my teenager?

If you find yourself asking this question, you’re in the right place.

Learning how to communicate with your teen is essential to maintaining a healthy relationship. Here are some techniques you can use to improve how you and your teen talk to each other.

1. Lecture less, listen more

As a parent, it’s easy to fall into the routine of lecturing your teenagers.

After all, you have a lot of life experience and you want to share it with them. But studies have shown that long or angry lectures simply don’t work.

So find ways to actively engage with your teen. Ask them questions like:

“Is there anything I can do to help you feel better?”
“What did you learn through this experience?”
“How can I support you in this situation?”

Avoid saying things to your teen like:

“What’s wrong with you?”
“What were you thinking?”

By asking questions that engage your teen in a positive way, you’ll build a solid foundation of trust.

2. Break down communication barriers

A communication barrier will develop if you frequently nag, judge, or scold your teens.

When it comes to communication, emotional barriers prevent teens from feeling secure enough to talk about what’s going on in their lives. This can cause them to start lying.

For example, if you talk to your teenage daughter about changing her behaviour, don’t start the conversation by criticising her. Instead, empathise with her and make sure she feels safe opening up about her emotions.

If you want your teens to talk to you more, you must give them your attention. Listen to your teenagers without casting judgment, and avoid jumping in with unsolicited advice.

3. Don’t blame or shame your teen

When something goes wrong in your teen’s life, of course you want to help.

Teenagers will make mistakes, and that’s okay! It’s how they learn and gain wisdom.

When your teens come to you to talk, resist the urge to blame or shame them for whatever has happened.

Instead, be understanding and compassionate. Let your teenagers know that it’s okay that they made a mistake.

Help them to process their emotions and reflect on what they’ve learned through the situation.

By doing so, they’ll feel more comfortable sharing things with you.

4. Help your teen think things through

Too often, teenagers make impulsive decisions. It takes time and experience to understand that thinking things through leads to the best outcomes.

If you know or suspect that your teenager is struggling with a problem, check in to see what’s going on.

Whenever possible, help your teens to think through the situation so they can see things from a different perspective.

Over time, they’ll learn to do this on their own, which is a valuable skill they’ll be able to use for years to come.

5. Don’t let things escalate

As a parent, you’ll have tough days when the stress of everyday life gets to you.

At those times, it’s more likely that a conversation with your teen will result in a heated argument that hurts the relationship.

When the tension starts to rise, you could say something like:

“I need some time to think about this.”
“Let’s talk about this later, please. I need a bit of space to calm down.”

When you say things like that, you ensure that when you do sit down and talk with your teen, you’ll be able to have a calm discussion. This will show your teen that you care about and respect him or her.

6. Make it easy for your teen to engage with you

Is your teen withdrawn?

Sometimes, it’s hard for teens to talk to others about what’s happening in their lives because of a fear of being judged.

Keeping the lines of communication open is essential, especially during the teenage years of self-discovery.

Research has shown – not surprisingly – that when parents listen to their teens actively and attentively, their teens felt a greater sense of closeness, autonomy, and self-worth.

It’s challenging, but do your best to be that kind of parent to your teen every day!

7. Express empathy

Many teenagers feel as if no one understands what they’re going through.

This can cause them to feel lonely, anxious, or angry.

By communicating empathetically with your teen, you’re showing that you’re doing your best to understand how he or she feels.

When you say, “I know this seems unfair,” or “It must be frustrating to feel as if you don’t fit in,” you’re letting your teenager know that you’re trying to put yourself in his or her shoes.

Empathy is a healthy way to create understanding and deal with teenage attitude.

8. Refrain from using threats

Teenagers are developing their sense of identity apart from you, so it’s normal for them to test boundaries.

Your teens might say, “I’ll do it later,” when you’ve already made it clear that you need the chore done now.

As a parent, this is frustrating, and punishments or threats might seem like the most effective approach.

But threats rarely work, and only serve to damage the relationship you have with your teen.

What should you do instead?

Try communication strategies such as:

Giving your teenagers choices whenever possible
Connecting with them more and criticising them less
Talking to them about their hobbies and interests
Saying positive things to them every day

9. Be real with your teen

As a parent, you obviously want to have a great relationship with your teens. Don’t be afraid to tell them this.

Tell them that you love them, and show affection in the ways that they appreciate.

Rather than using “you” statements, which can feel accusatory, try using “I” statements that focus on how you feel.

Here’s an example:

“You” statement: “You’re not working hard enough.”
“I” statement: “I feel worried that you won’t do as well as you expect for the exam next week.”

And here’s one more example:

“You” statement: “You never complete your chores.”
“I” statement: “I really appreciate it when you complete your chores every day.”

To modify a quote by leadership expert Craig Groeschel: “Teens would rather follow a parent who is always real, rather than a parent who is always right.”

10. Apply active listening techniques

You may have heard of active listening before.

It’s the process of listening such that the other person feels heard and understood.

Active listening isn’t just about using specific techniques, but must come from a place of authenticity and empathy.

Make sure to really listen to what your teens are telling you by maintaining eye contact, asking clarifying questions, and using phrases like, “Tell me more.”

Nod periodically and keep your arms uncrossed. In this way, your teenagers will feel as if you’re fully present with them.

11. Focus on specific behaviours instead of making general statements

Avoid making general statements about what your teen is or isn’t doing that you’re concerned about.

For example, don’t tell your teens that they’re not managing their time well.

Instead, say that you noticed that they were on their phone for two hours straight after school. This is despite the fact that you know they have an incomplete project that’s due tomorrow.

When you focus on specific behaviours, your teenagers will be less likely to turn defensive.

You’ll then be able to work together with them to find an acceptable solution.

Conclusion

Everything worth doing in life requires effort and commitment.

It definitely requires lots of effort and commitment on your part to be able to communicate effectively with your teens.

But it’s worth it.

So I encourage you to start using the communication techniques listed in this article today!

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How to Handle an Angry Teen: 20 Strategies You Can Deploy Today

Updated on June 18, 2022 By Daniel Wong Leave a Comment

Dealing with an angry teen is like standing in the middle of a hurricane.

What’s the best way to deal with the situation?

Should you match your teenagers’ anger with your anger? Should you threaten them with the loss of privileges?

Or should you give in and hope they won’t blow up again?

Over the years, I’ve spoken to and worked with over 20,000 teenagers. This means that I’ve also interacted with many confused and frustrated parents.

Teens’ anger isn’t something you can prevent or control. But how you respond to it is something you can control.

Here are 20 strategies to help you navigate these challenging situations.

(Download the free PDF below to learn 5 bonus strategies.)

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1. Remember the “boiling kettle” analogy

When your teen is angry, think of the “boiling kettle” analogy.

When a kettle boils, steam comes out of the spout. But the steam is just a “symptom” of the water boiling.

To stop the steam from coming out, you need to turn off the fire.

Similarly, your teen’s anger is a symptom too. It’s the visible part of something deeper that is causing your teen’s problematic behaviour.

In the boiling kettle analogy, it’s the fire that’s the “root cause” of the steam.

It’s the same with your teen. So don’t focus on the anger itself. Instead, find the root cause of the anger:

Does your teen feel unloved?
Does your teen feel neglected?
Is your teen suffering from body image issues?
Is your teen a victim of bullying?
Is your teen struggling with anxiety?

(The list of questions above isn’t exhaustive.)

Your teen can learn anger management techniques. But if the underlying issues aren’t addressed, then the anger problem will persist.

2. Remember that your teen’s behaviour isn’t a reflection of your competence as a parent

The teenage years are a difficult time for your child.

Huge hormonal changes are taking place and – at the same time – your child’s brain is changing rapidly.

Many parents take their teenager’s behaviour personally. They may feel guilty and may feel as if they’ve messed up as parents. They may start obsessing over the mistakes they’ve made as parents.

But it’s important to remember that even if there was such a thing as a perfect parent (which there isn’t), no child would turn out perfect.

The physical changes taking place inside your teenager would still create at least some turmoil.

Of course, your teenager’s anger may be directed at you. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re a bad parent.

Try to look at the situation objectively.

As an adult, you have inner resources that your teenager doesn’t. You have more control over your emotions, which means that you have the ability to defuse a heated situation.

It will often seem as though your teenager is verbally assaulting you. But this is where you need to exercise self-control.

Instead of reacting violently to your teenager’s anger, see her anger as a cry for help.

Teenagers haven’t yet learned how to manage their emotions. Instead of asking for help, they often bottle up their emotions until they explode in an angry outburst.

This can be triggered by a combination of school-related pressure, friendship issues, and an emotionally unsafe home environment.

3. Hear your teen out, even if he or she is sharing negative feelings

When teens share their thoughts and feelings, much of what they say may be negative.

For example, they may complain about their teachers, or about how much homework they’re getting, or about certain school rules.

Your teen’s view of the situation might be imbalanced, but refrain from interrupting him.

Your teen wants to know that you’re trying to understand how he feels about the situation. This means you need to put aside your own views for a while and listen to your teen.

Resist the temptation to correct your teen and tell him how he should view the situation. Try not to minimise the situation by moralising or by informing him that “that’s life”.

If you cast judgment, your teen will be less likely to share his feelings with you in the future. This would be damaging in the long run, because it’s vital to keep the lines of communication with your teen open.

The less your teen shares with you about his life, the harder it becomes for you to influence him. It will then become harder to coach your teen through the challenges ahead.

4. Explain the concept of cognitive distortions to your teen

Cognitive distortions are ways in which our minds convince us of something that isn’t true.

They are inaccurate thoughts about ourselves and the world around us. They often reinforce our negative thinking or emotions.

There are 15 common cognitive distortions and you can read about them here.

In this section, I’m going to describe three prevalent ones:

Filtering. This is when a person takes negative events and magnifies them. At the same time, they filter out the positive aspects of the situation.
Polarised thinking. This is when a person sees situations in extremes. Things are either black or white, with no middle ground between the two.
Overgeneralisation. This is where a single event is used to form a general conclusion. When something bad happens once, the person concludes that the bad thing will happen again in the future.

When we get angry, it’s almost always due to a cognitive distortion.

Try explaining this to your teenager. When she realises this, it will help her to manage her anger by looking at the situation through another lens.

In addition, as a parent, you may find it useful to refer to this brief summary of cognitive distortions that result in anger, created by Corner Canyon Counseling and Psychological Services.

Through understanding the various cognitive distortions that exist, your teenager will become aware of her flawed habits of thinking that she needs to change.

5. Don’t threaten your teen

When your teen becomes angry, you may feel tempted to use threats as a way of calming him down.

For example, you might say: “If you don’t calm down now, I’m going to take away your phone.”

Or you might say: “If you don’t stop shouting, you’ll be grounded for a month.”

But this approach won’t work in the long run.

If you use threats, your teen will resent you. Threats may work in the short term, but in the long term, they will damage the relationship you have with your teen.

What’s more, threats do nothing to resolve the anger issue.

Your teen’s anger is not just a behavioural problem. It’s a sign that something is wrong, that some emotional need is not being met.

6. Explain to your teen how he or she can express anger in an appropriate way

There’s no point in doing this while your teenager is still angry.

Wait until the episode has passed and your teenager is calm and relaxed.

Explain to her that all feelings are acceptable, but not all behaviours are acceptable. Explain to her that it’s okay to feel angry, and that there’s no need to feel guilty about it.

Share with her that there are ways to express anger without hurting others.

Teach your teenager how to recognise the signs that she’s on the verge of a meltdown:

Clenched jaw
Headache
Increase in heart rate
Sweaty palms
Dizziness

Tell your teenager that when she’s angry, she doesn’t need to act on her feelings right away.

Ask your teenager to practise counting to ten slowly, or to try this breathing exercise:

Breathe in for four counts
Hold your breath for four counts
Breathe out for four counts

7. Discuss family rules related to expressing anger

When the situation has passed and everyone is calm, schedule a discussion about how everyone in the family will express their anger.

During the family discussion, decide on the boundaries your family will commit to.

Come to a consensus that these rules will apply to everyone in the family, including you as a parent.

For example, your family might decide that it’s not acceptable to:

Break things
Use vulgarities
Engage in name-calling
Storm off in the middle of a conversation
Slam the door
Kick or throw furniture around

This is a good opportunity to talk about the difference between feeling angry and being aggressive.

Make sure that everyone is on the same page with regard to the rules. You might find it helpful to write down the rules and put them somewhere visible, such as on the fridge door.

8. Call a timeout if the situation becomes heated

When a situation with your teen becomes heated, try calling a “timeout”. In fact, calling a timeout can be part of the family rules that we just talked about.

When tempers are flaring, there’s no point in allowing the situation to escalate further.

For example, you could say: “We’re both getting angry, so let’s please take a break. How about we discuss this again after dinner?”

If your teen persists in arguing, try to disengage. After all, conflicts are never resolved when the parties involved have lost their cool.

9. Keep the lines of communication with your teen open

Remember that one of the most important things you can do as a parent is to keep the lines of communication open.

Of course, this is easier said than done when you have an angry teenager on your hands.

Refrain from casting judgment, jumping to conclusions, or lecturing your teenager. If your teenager is angry, it means that he needs empathy (as discussed in Strategy #3).

Ask for your teenager’s opinion. Encourage him to share his point of view. Seek to understand his perspective.

By keeping the lines of communication open, your teenager will eventually share his feelings. As such, you’ll be able to get to the root of the issue.

10. Find a win-win (or at least no-lose) solution to every conflict

When dealing with any conflict with your teen, try to find a win-win solution.

Avoid an outcome where your teen feels that you won and she lost. Such outcomes will lead to your teen becoming even angrier.

For example, when setting boundaries related to curfew timings, phone usage, or screen time, be willing to negotiate with your teen.

This way, she will feel that she has a part to play in developing the solution. She won’t be resentful if she feels that she was involved in the process of setting the boundary.

Adult life involves plenty of compromise and negotiation, so this is a good opportunity to enable your teen to develop this life skill.

The solution you both agree on may be a compromise between what you want and what your teen wants. But if you can both live with it, it’s better than creating a rule that you simply impose by force.

11. Reach out to your teen’s teachers

If your teenager is becoming aggressive, reach out to his teachers. Let them know what you’ve observed about your teenager at home.

Your teenager’s teachers may have information to share that will help you understand why he is acting out.

Could it be that he is being ostracised by his classmates?

Maybe he is hanging out with bad company?

Or perhaps he is struggling to keep up with his schoolwork?

Your teenager’s teachers may be able to help you figure out why your teenager is being aggressive at home.

12. Model for your teen how to manage anger effectively

If your teen sees you losing your temper frequently, it will be hard for her to learn how to handle her anger.

Family life sometimes involves moments of conflict and anger. But when you get angry with a family member, model for your teen how to resolve the conflict peacefully.

Research shows that children who observe their parents having mild conflicts and resolving those conflicts display higher levels of emotional intelligence later on.

This principle applies to your relationship with your teen too. If you’ve lost your temper at your teen, apologise to her and make amends.

Many parents find it hard to apologise to their children. Some parents think that apologising is an act of weakness, or that it implies that they lack authority.

But this isn’t true.

When you offer a genuine apology to your teen, you’re modelling accountability. You’re showing your teen the importance of taking responsibility for your actions.

You’re also displaying humility, which will earn your teen’s respect.

13. Do something together with your teen that he or she enjoys

When your teenager displays anger at home, you may feel a need to deal with the issue right away.

But most of the time, this isn’t the best approach. For a start, take the focus away from the anger issue altogether.

Go and do something fun with your teenager. Watch a movie, go for a hike, visit an amusement park, or go bowling.

These activities will allow you to build a connection with your teenager. In turn, this will make it easier to understand the issues behind your teenager’s anger.

But if you keep trying to address the anger issue directly, you may end up backing your teenager into a corner.

She may start to feel that you view her as a problem that needs to be fixed, which will exacerbate the situation.

So spend meaningful time with your teenager and work on the relationship first.

14. Help your teen identify the triggers that set him or her off

Teens often lack awareness as to what triggers their emotional responses.

So it’s helpful to encourage your teen to reflect on what kinds of comments or situations trigger his anger.

Is it when someone makes a comment about his appearance or abilities? Or is it when he feels as if his character is being called into question?

Through this process of reflection, your teen will become more self-aware.

This self-awareness will allow him to identify the deeper issues that spark his anger. He can then begin to work on these issues in an intentional way.

15. Don’t treat your teen as a child

As children develop into teenagers, parents often struggle to adjust their parenting methods.

If you’re not careful, you might still be treating your teenager as if she’s a child, when she’s actually on the cusp of adulthood.

But there’s a powerful force at work in your teenager, which is urging her to develop her own identity. It’s pushing her toward independence, even if you might not think she’s ready for it.

If you keep talking to your teenager as you did when she was a child, she will likely rebel and display more anger.

Instead, try seeing your teenager as an adult who lacks experience. This will enable you to shift from being an authority figure to being a coach and mentor to your teenager.

This shift is vital if you want your teenager to make the most of her potential and overcome her anger issues.

16. Help your teen to develop problem-solving skills

Anger in teens often arises when they are confronted with a problem and can’t think of a constructive way to deal with it.

The problem can take many different forms:

A project team member who is not pulling his weight and is leaving your teen to do all the work
Classmates who are gossiping about your teen
A teacher who picks on your teen
Your teen being unable to stay on top of his schoolwork

If your teen lacks problem-solving skills, he may start to feel helpless. As a result, he may lash out in anger.

So I encourage you to teach your teen the steps of problem-solving:

Identify the problem
Think of at least 2 to 3 possible solutions
Evaluate each possible solution based on advantages and disadvantages
Choose a solution
Implement the solution
Reflect on how things turned out and what lessons you learned

When your teen is equipped with these problem-solving skills, he will feel more confident when confronted with a challenge.

Instead of feeling discouraged and frustrated, your teen will take positive steps toward overcoming the problem.

17. Develop family rules about screen time

If your teenager is aggressive, screen time might be a key contributing factor.

Too much screen time results in teenagers who are “wired and tired” – they’re agitated but exhausted at the same time.

Here are three ways that excessive screen time can lead to increased aggression in teenagers:

Suppression of melatonin. Melatonin is a sleep-inducing hormone that gets released at night. But the light emitted by the screens of various electronic devices mimics daylight. This suppresses the release of melatonin and affects your sleep.
Over-reliance on dopamine. Dopamine is a feel-good chemical released by your brain. Too much screen time causes the release of excessive amounts of dopamine. This creates a need in your teenager for ever-increasing levels of stimulation.
Overloading the sensory system. Screen time depletes your teenager’s mental resources, making her unable to process what’s happening around her. To cope with this, your teenager may become prone to angry outbursts.

These factors can lead to a state of stress and unease in your teenager, which further affects her ability to manage her anger.

Similar to what we talked about under Strategy #7, it’s crucial that you lead a discussion about family rules related to screen time.

For example, you might decide that – as a family – you…

Will not use electronic devices during mealtimes
Will not have a TV in your home
Will create a daily schedule for when you will have screen time
Will charge your electronic devices in the living room (not the bedroom) every night
Will not have any screen time within 1 hour of bedtime

18. Get help for your teen

As we’ve already discussed in this article, recurring episodes of anger is a clear sign that something deeper is going on with your teen.

Identifying the deeper issue isn’t always straightforward.

It’s necessary to take a holistic approach that investigates factors related to your teen’s physical, mental, and emotional well-being.

Parent-teen relationships are complicated. As the parent, you’re often too involved to be able to assess the situation objectively.

(I’m a parent of two myself, so I know this for a fact!)

Getting a neutral third party – who is also a professional – involved is often a key turning point, which results in your teen’s positive transformation.

I work with teens 1-to-1 to help them work through their anger issues. I also empower them to become motivated, responsible and resilient.

I encourage you to get help for your teen today before the situation worsens.

19. Don’t focus on winning the argument

As a parent, you’re used to being the authority figure in your home. It’s natural that you don’t want to lose face.

In an argument with your teenager, you may feel as if you have to win in order to maintain your position of authority.

But if you focus on winning the argument with your teenager, you may end up winning the battle but losing the war.

If your teenager always comes away from arguments feeling that he has lost, he will eventually stop talking to you about his problems.

Your teenager will start to resent you, which will fuel even more anger in him.

20. Aim to achieve the “5:1 ratio” in your relationship with your teen

Research has shown that for a healthy marriage, there is typically a ratio of at least five positive interactions for every negative interaction.

Having worked with teens for years, I’ve observed that this principle applies in the parent-teen relationship too.

Ensure that your positive interactions with your teen far outweigh the negative ones.

When your teen displays anger, remember that anger is often a symptom of low self-esteem.

The teenage years are difficult ones, and your teen is still trying to develop her own identity. As such, she probably struggles with some – if not many – self-esteem issues.

This is why it isn’t a good idea to continually criticise your teen. No adult likes to be criticised all the time either!

If you express constant disapproval of your teen, it will undermine her self-esteem. She’ll then become even angrier.

You may observe many things about your teen’s attitude and behaviour that warrant correction.

But remember the 5:1 ratio.

Ask yourself these questions:

Will it help the situation if I criticise my teen?
Is this a battle worth fighting, or can I let it go?
Is there a gentler way that I can address the issue?

So be sparing with your criticism, but be generous with your appreciation, kind words, and empathy.

Conclusion

Dealing with teenage anger is a complex issue.

It requires various parenting skills, including the ability to listen, empathise, and understand the underlying reason that your teen is angry.

It also requires that your teen develops the tools he or she needs to overcome the anger issue.

These tools include:

Understanding cognitive distortions
Becoming more aware of what triggers his or her anger
Acquiring problem-solving skills

If you get help for your teen and apply the strategies in this article, I’m confident that the situation will improve tremendously.

So don’t lose hope!

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