Are you dealing with teenagers who don’t take responsibility for their actions?
You’ve tried every method you can think of to curb their bad behavior and discipline them, but nothing seems to work.
You may have tried taking away their phones, grounding them, or giving them extra chores.
But this has only led to more defiant behavior and attitude from your teens.
It’s a frustrating situation to be in.
But as parents, we have to understand that correcting our teens’ behavior goes beyond punishment.
In this article, I’ll explain some effective strategies to help you discipline a teenager who doesn’t care about consequences.
(Make sure to download your free quick action guide below.)
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Types of consequences that work
How do you discipline your teenagers?
It’s natural to become angry when they do something wrong. But this will cloud your judgment when you’re dealing with rebellious teenagers.
Refrain from yelling at your teens in a moment of anger. Instead, pause and reflect on the reasons behind their actions and on how you can help them learn from their mistakes.
There are two types of consequences that are most effective in helping your teens learn from their poor choices:
- Natural consequences
- Logical consequences
Other types of consequences are rarely helpful.
Natural consequences are outcomes that occur naturally as a result of your teenagers’ actions or decisions.
On the other hand, logical consequences are consequences that require your intervention. These consequences are directly related to your teens’ actions and show your teens the lesson they need to learn.
We’ll explore examples of natural and logical consequences later in this article.
Why constant arguing can further hurt your teenager
When your teens make a mistake or misbehave, do you yell at them? How often do heated conflicts break out?
Constant arguments and shouting matches will strain your relationship with your teens.
This makes it harder for them to talk to you about their emotions and struggles. As a result, they’ll be less likely to turn to you for support and advice.
Research studies have also demonstrated the importance of a close parent-teen relationship.
Teenagers who have better relationships with their parents are more likely to have better mental health as young adults. They’re more optimistic and are less likely to be depressed.
It’s important to correct and teach your teens, but the methods you use shouldn’t put a lasting strain on your relationship with them.
10 strategies for handling a difficult teen
It’s frustrating when your teens still misbehave and break the rules despite your efforts to discipline them.
Punishing them for their mistakes doesn’t guarantee that they’ll learn to respect boundaries. In fact, it might lead to your teen shutting you out.
So here are 10 strategies you can use instead to handle a difficult teen:
1. Communicate in an honest and open manner
Start a conversation focused on solving the problem, and let your teen be part of the decision-making process.
If your teen has been displaying several problematic or risky behaviors, tackle just one issue at a time.
Avoid being a parent who sets all the rules and boundaries without considering your teen’s opinions. Instead, make it a point to listen attentively to his or her feelings and concerns.
Maintain eye contact, avoid interrupting, and be honest (but gentle) in sharing your thoughts and emotions.
The discussion should help you and your teen agree on reasonable house rules and consequences for breaking those rules.
2. Be empathetic and understanding
An open line of communication with your teenagers allows you to learn more about their struggles. For example, they may be facing issues related to self-esteem or bullying.
It’s a good idea to reflect on any possible underlying unmet needs that have led to their bad behavior. Their actions could be a call for attention. Or maybe they crave more space and freedom.
It might not solve the problem right away. But understanding the “why” behind their actions will enable you to relate to and empathize with them.
3. Set clear expectations
Your teens can’t follow rules that are vague.
Discuss appropriate boundaries with your teens, and help them understand the reasons behind them. Make the rules as specific as possible.
For example, avoid saying something vague like, “Don’t be back too late.”
Instead, you could say something like, “Please be home before 9 p.m. on weekday nights and 11 p.m. on Saturday nights.”
You should also be clear about the consequences of breaking the rules. It would be good to have the rules and consequences written down or printed out.
4. Be consistent
Your teenagers won’t take your rules seriously if you don’t enforce them.
When you’ve set a rule and a consequence for breaking it, make sure you follow through.
Teenagers might try to take advantage of the situation if one parent is firm while the other parent isn’t. Try to ensure that you and your parenting partner are on the same page.
5. Allow natural consequences to take place
The saying “once bitten, twice shy” comes into play here.
Most of the time, your teens will learn best when they experience the natural consequences of their actions.
Natural consequences don’t require your involvement. As long as the consequences don’t lead to safety concerns, it’s best to avoid stepping in.
For instance, if your teenage son forgets to bring his basketball jersey to school, don’t bail him out by bringing the jersey to school for him. He might not get to play in the basketball game, but at least he’ll learn a valuable lesson.
(Of course, I’m not saying that you should never be kind or gracious to your teens!)
6. Create logical consequences
Like we talked about earlier, logical consequences are consequences that are directly related to your teens’ choices and lead your teens to learn a specific life lesson.
An illogical consequence would be taking away your daughter’s phone because she insulted a teacher.
Another illogical consequence would be giving your son extra chores to do because he received a string of bad grades.
These punishments rob your teens of the opportunity to learn and mature.
In contrast, logical consequences encourage teenagers to take responsibility for their actions.
For instance, you might be forced to restrict your daughter’s screen time if she spends too much time on her devices instead of doing her schoolwork.
Or if your son accidentally damages your neighbor’s car because he was playing soccer in the front yard, then he might need to pay for the damage and write an apology letter.
7. Provide choices
When setting consequences, try to provide your teens with options. Having your teens pick the consequences will make them more likely to accept the consequences.
For example, the consequence of coming home past their curfew could be getting grounded for the weekend. The alternative option could be having an earlier curfew for the following month.
8. Provide positive reinforcement
Positive reinforcement encourages and acknowledges good behavior.
You can apply this principle in the following ways:
- Giving your teenagers more freedom
- Appreciating them for being responsible
- Increasing their privileges
Research has demonstrated that recognizing good behavior is essential for a teenager’s development.
9. Be a role model
You’re shaping your teens’ values and character by modeling the right behavior.
Here are some ways to be a good role model for your teens:
- Take full responsibility for your mistakes.
- Apologize when you make a mistake.
- Never blame others when things don’t go your way.
- Practice what you preach. (Teens can spot hypocrisy a mile away!)
- Always follow through on your commitments and promises.
10. Seek professional help
If your teen continues to break the rules and display rebellious behavior despite your best efforts, it’s time to get professional help.
Getting professional help doesn’t mean that you’ve failed as a parent!
Sometimes, an underlying condition, like anxiety or ADHD, could be the cause of your teen’s challenging behavior.
(I offer this 1-to-1 coaching program for teens, and I’d be happy to help your teen to get on the right track.)
Conclusion
I’m confident that these 10 tips will help you deal with your teenager who doesn’t seem to care about consequences.
The first step is to reflect on how you react to your teen’s poor behavior.
It’s easy to say or do things in a moment of frustration that can scar your teen permanently.
So take it one tip and one day at a time.
With patience and persistence, you’ll learn how to correct your teens and connect meaningfully with them too!
(If you have trouble getting your teen to listen to you, download the free quick action guide below.)
FREE QUICK ACTION GUIDE:
Get your FREE copy of
10 Proven Ways to Get Your Teenager to Listen to You.
The tips are guaranteed to help you get through to your teen, so download your copy today!
I would like to thank you for your very useful advice for parents of teenagers (they are also very useful for Grandparents!). I have been reading your strategy’s on teenager’s behaviour for a while now and passing them on to my Daughter and Son- in-Law to help with my two Grandchildren.
My eldest Grandchild aged 16 has been depressed, self harming and, at times suicidal since Covid lockdown. He has Counselling on a fairly regular basis but it is not always consistent! He was lucky enough to take his GCSE’s with an adjudicator at home. We are not sure how he did with his exams (mainly because he was unable to attend school since before lockdown), but we are so very proud that he managed to try and take the exams at all!
Our other Grandchild aged 13, his sister, has recently been diagnosed with ADHD. She has continuously been suspended from school for her behaviour and attitude, although a lot of the problems she has (which have been acknowledged by the school) such as helping other children from being bullied by older students – she will ‘lay-into’ anyone who bullies another student, this therefore has given her a bad name. She has a quick temper and her language is getting quite unacceptable. Bad language is not used in their home! I notice that when she is visiting us (unfortunately, we live at the other end of the country), she doesn’t use any bad language, so whether she realises that the bad language is not acceptable to us or not I do not know.
I feel so sorry for both my Grandchildren but also for my Daughter and Son-in-Law who both feel out of their depth at times. Our Daughter who works in the local Primary school, shoulders most of the problems and behaviours as her husband works very long hours and commutes for 2 hours each way to his place of work, sometimes staying overnight with us in the City.
Please keep up your excellent work.
Thank you so much for taking the time to write that comment. I appreciate your kind words. I hope that the situation with your grandchildren improves.
of course granddaughter behaves well in “others” homes. is she in special education? i assume so. if not. she needs to be. she sounds exactly same as our grandson. he is level 3(well, more like 2.5). we have started medication but it’s a bit scarey. good luck!
So taking away the phone is an illogical consequence but it doesnt say what IS a logical consequence. What do you do if the phone is the ONLY thing they care about. My daughter is also ADHA and Cyclothymic Bi Polar.
I’m lost and I feel I’m failing,
Exactly!
I hurt my son last night because.his playing computer games in my nieghbors start 5 pm and he come home around 9pm thats why im soo angry.because i cant control my angry emmotions i slap him…pls.help me what should i do..thank you..
when you feel this level of anger and frustration, you need to remove yourself from the situation. Try digging your thumb nails into your finger, the sensation will give you something to focus on. Take a few breaths, and excuse yourself.
“We need to talk more about this, but i am so upset right now I need a moment.”
sometimes when they are expecting more yelling and or physical punishment, seeing how they effect you will help them empathize with you.
Can you please provide examples of logical consequences for the following:
– teen refuses to get up in the morning
– teen refuses to attend tutoring
– teen misses classes
– teen refuses to eat what is in the fridge (not to their liking)
– teen refuses to help (take your pick of the smallest thing)
– teen refuses to clean up kitchen after themselves
– teen refuses to pick up clothes (whole floor)
It feels so easy to write these posts to just do XYZ (10 tips) and give straightforward examples, thus conveying to us parents, that it’s just on us for failing to do these obvious things like being consistent, logical and what not. (24/7 of course)
Rather than making us feel like failure, would you mind giving ideas of logical consequences for the practical examples above?
When your teen doesn’t care about anything, there is no grip nor consequence he/she cares about.
yes would love to see these specifics
Me as well. Struggling with the same issues.
I am dealing with the same!
I’m in the same situation & I’m trauma 1 Register Nurse . My son thinks he can refused & controlled everything because he is 16 years old . Don’t want to go to school , don’t want to work . Don’t want to clean . But will play 9 hours of football a week & video games
I have been more than patient & understanding. & offered many resources to him . But as usual he refused all help
I do not even know where to start. My son is 16 and hates everything and everyone. Going to school is our major issue.
He says things like I’d rather kill everyone than go. He says is like prison and he is no one’s puppet. That making him go is abusive.
I’ve moved him into yet another school, this one he at least gave 8 whole days before he started with his anger again.
He sees his therapist every week consistently on his own. Him and I go twice a month, to attempt to improve just our communication.
We have family therapy twice a month as well.
Nothing is working. I stay calm, I set firm consistent boundaries. I am rewarding instead of punishing. But I am still met with anger and violence, he will throw things at me, push me, calls me the worst names you can think. B%*#h, c@$#, w#@$@#, and tell me to go kill myself. All becuase I knock on his door to let him know it’s time for school.
His therapist has pointed out how abusive his behavior is and the only answer we get is, it is my fault. If I didn’t ask him to do the dishes, or ask him to go school then he would never have done those things. He justifies his behavior as defending himself.
He refuses to be evaluated for ADHD and ANXIETYor whatever mood disorder he might be dealing with. When I brought him to the dr. He literally jumped out of the car and ran away. His therapist 1000% believes he needs medication.
What do I do? We are looking into possibly a locked facility to get him on the meds. This has me so upset. My heart keeps beating very hard and I can’t breathe. I can barely sleep.
Where did I go wrong??
This right here!!!! In the exact same boat and would love some perspective because I’m truly at my wits end and feel like an absolute failure.
I don’t blame the author for making us feel like failures – it can be hard to anticipate the exact questions that real parents will have. Some guidance is better than nothing. That being said, I would also LOVE to see what logical consequences would come from the problems you listed. I’m going through several of them now, and it’s beyond infuriating! I tell my daughter to get out of bed and nothing. For hours. I’ve withheld her allowance for months now because she doesn’t do most of her chores, and she doesn’t care. We’ve been in counseling for a while now, and that’s addressing her feelings that she has trouble with. It’s great, but she still doesn’t think she needs to lift a finger and doesn’t seem to care about the consequences I come up with. Ugh!!
I have the same issues and it’s amplified by his ‘friends ‘ who show no respect for me or our home. I need this help too
From reading these posts , there seems to be the same bad behavior from teens these days . I also am having the exact same problem with my 15 year old girl . My daughter’s problems have escalated, she now has started destroying my house and a couple of times hitting me . I have got her help with professionals and counseling but still she shows improvement at times and other times she goes berserk when I tell her no, to her inconsiderate demands . Example last episode was because I would not drive 60 miles round trip at 7 : o’clock at night to pick up her friend to spent the night at no prior notice . I was also in the middle of preparing supper . I ended up calling 911 because she became violent and attacked me . Since she was 15 they did nothing to her . They made her promise to calm down . She didn’t as soon as they left she started agin so my son took her! I think today’s young people have been brainwashed by social media to rebel against all social norms . Some one needs to get to the bottom of all this . It is happening way too much these days . There is a reason and we must find out and stop this madness!!!
Our son is 12 going on 13. We are having these issues now. I want to nip it in the bud right now.
I’m so stressed out over it my husband and I stopped talking for a day, because we butted heads on strategies.
We all love our kids and want the best for them, but seriously, how often do we need to stop take a deep breath, count to 3 and think of something nice to say to them? I’m now sitting on google desperate looking for answers, which I would never do. When really I just want to get in my car and drive very far away lol!
I’ll give these ideas a go and try to be consistent and see what happens.
I’m going through this with my 14 year old son. Yes you feel as if you are doing something wrong and wonder how everyone else sees. You as a parent we work a try so hard to protect and provide the best life for them. This is so hard just pray and try to get through it I am going through it myself and I would not wish this on anyone. It’s like a crying baby who can’t talk and tell you what is wrong
I don’t know any answers to these situations. I am seeing it more and more in my immediate family and other family members children. What are they being taught in the school system? Some of the stories I have been told horrify me. What they need to do and what they should do. There are way too many children revolting. I think we parents should take a step back and stop doing for them. In all ways. Let them fend for themselves. Cook, do laundry, clean, handle situations. Let them fall on their faces. Life isn’t easy and obviously someone has instructed them to let the parents do it all. Guess what…. My parents told me to fly when I graduated. I was allowed to stay at home with the stipulation that I pay rent and was not to expect any assistance from them as I was considered an adult at 17.
times have changed though and it’s not same society
Let’s come back to he real world where none of this works. You can control how you speak and your actions, you can’t do anything about there’s. And none of that will prevent them from being verbally and physically abusive.
I feel the pain of these parents on here. You can do the same parenting for one kid and they turn out great and the other kid just has something wrong with their head and they struggle as we are talking about here. Times have changed – society is not the same – raising a child is different. my doctor’s therapist told her and her husband to let their unruly daughter do whatever she wanted to. I sure wish I knew how things turned out because I’m about ready to try it. Nothing seems to be working and our grandson who is unruly has started medication and it has its ups and down still, good luck everybody. stay out of jail and remain calm ha!
I am a single grandparent raising an 11 year old granddaughter who all of this describes. She does nothing to help our around house, screams at me, expects me to make her lunch everyday. Drive her to the from of our development for the bus…I could go on. I know it’s my fault for being too accommodating. It almost seems harder to tell her make your own lunch and walk the 1 block to your bus ..I hate the position I’m in. I hate the entitled, disrespectful, over the top brattiness that I live with. I actually hate my life when I used to love it. I am now trapped since I’m the only option for her to live with and she is an absolute monster to me.
Man… Im sad all of you are experiencing this. Yet I am glad to know I’m not alone!! My 15 yr old daughter is horrible to me. But sweet as pie to everyone else. She’s seriously like the devil at home and when I reach out for help to police, counselers, doctors or family members.. Noone helps! I’m at a loss of what to do and defineatly feel like a failure. I also have a 14 yr old daughter, but thank God she’s sweet. My 15 yr Olds behavior is affecting everyone in the home tho. It’s affecting my marriage and my sanity. Not sure what to do. But thank you to all of you that have posted- because it makes me feel a little better to know I’m not alone!
Decided to google some helpful tools for dealing with a rebellious 16-year-old boy with ADHD and 15-year-old girl. Stumbled upon this site. Reading these comments makes me feel a little better! Misery does love company, doesn’t it?? Dealing with disrespectful teens, one who punches walls, sneaks out, steals alcohol! I have dealt with the police, counselors and probation officers! It’s causing marital problems also at this point. Looking for advice if anyone has any tips or tricks.
Everybody talking about teens how hard is for them those days. I’m asking, really? They have everything phone, laptop, games, nice clothes, full fridge, we gives them more freedom because everyone talks how important that is for teens. We talk nicely to them, try to understand them feeling, give them direction to do a right thing,always for them. We are doing this because we love our kids unconditionally. What they are doing? They don’t care about our feelings about anything. I’m asking where are parents right?
I so feel your frustration, my 14 year old boy refuses to follow the house rules; going to school, not stealing, not lying, not getting high or drunk.
He ignores any punishment, won’t go to councelling, basically he has more rights than we as parents do. You can’t kick them out “live under my roof – follow my rules. As that is considered child abuse.
You can’t put them in a program to get help if they aren’t willing. Even if said child skipped school took an entire bottle of benydryl which caused them to seizure and be taken to hospital by ambulance – where they were so “out of it” that they couldn’t identify themselves.
He comes and goes as he wants, will not allow bag checks and is completely disrespectful.
It is causing huge stress on our marriage.
My 14yold is addicted to gaming. No school 4 2 years.me home with him. Dad, all the paid work. Brother, experienced violence at home when we removed computer. Smashed doors, safe cut open with angle grinder, therapy, $$$ stolen that roblix wont refund, meds, police, almost divorce. Our grief is immense, and yet everyone thinks it’ll never be them. Adhd doesn’t help. All of the above is what we’ve been through. Anyone I talk to now I tell them the truth. That Zuckerberg and roblox etc have all but ruined my family. If we don’t go to war with these thieves of our children’s lives there will be no families left. And, I stayed home with my kids, every sport, 2 instruments, friends, beautiful other families. Boomer gen has absolutely no idea that we are trying to raise children who are a target for addiction before they can have sex, drive a car, get a job, go to further learning, vote, and it goes on. Their brains are so sensitive that the pathways are literally being changed as teens grow. It makes them anxious, lonely, depressed. If we had the courage to refuse all smart phones and computer use for 6mths, the technology giants would have to act because of lost profits. Addiction is their goal, the key to billions. I’m going to war over this because I’ve all but lost my children anyway. Big hug BTW to my hubby who is my rock. We never thought raising kids would involve a gaming addiction clinic for our onve happy budding young violinist/swimmer. We are married still though and refuse to let Zuckerberg destroy what we have. Will you join me??
I am writing this because as a single parents dealing with a 14 yrs old its so hard because everything it seems to be not working at all so many excuses for what she describe me that she doesn’t like her teacher and school and you are trying your best and make sure she goes school and good grades that’s all i’m wishing for her . But she is in control with her mentality games and lying about everything and involve with the councilor , teacher and court , I’m the only one provide and paying bills but when you missed a lot of hours then become more problem because your behind some of your bills but because is causing with ungrateful , no respect with my 14 yrs old . I’m sure a lots of this parents is dealing with this kind of behavior so much depress and anger . My hope and praying for all of us in this situation and frustration that we can all heal from it .