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12 Reasons Your Child Seems Lazy and Unmotivated (And What You Can Do About It)

Updated on January 6, 2026 By Daniel Wong 22 Comments

Everyone struggles with motivation occasionally.

Children and teens are no exceptions.

If your children start to exhibit signs like worsening grades, a lack of interest in activities, or a tendency toward isolation, your children probably aren’t lazy.

They may just be dealing with other issues that haven’t been addressed yet.

The good news is that there are ways to overcome these difficulties and create a healthy environment in which your children can flourish.

In this article, you’ll learn 12 common reasons for your children’s decreased motivation.

You’ll also learn how to address these issues effectively.

Let’s get started!

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Reason #1: Your child feels overwhelmed or discouraged.

Think about how you deal with overwhelming issues as an adult.

If you don’t know where to start, you focus on small portions of the problem or find a way to look at the issue in a new light.

But children don’t automatically know how to do this.

So when a stressful situation arises, walk your children through the problem.

What’s overwhelming about the issue?

Where should we start?

What are some possible solutions?

These types of probing questions will get your children to examine the problem in a calm manner. By working on the problem together with them, they’ll know that they’re not alone.

Children can also become overwhelmed by discouragement.

Remind your children that failures help them to learn, and that you’re no less proud of them when they experience setbacks. Encouragement is an excellent motivator in children, so offer it freely and often.

Reason #2: There’s an ongoing power struggle between you and your child.

Every parent dreads the infamous battle of the wills. It can play out in many ways when it comes to motivation.

For example, if your children are lagging behind in a particular subject and you deal with the situation in a harsh manner, they may simply shut down.

They may refuse to comply with your requests just to further anger you.

Many parents find that offering choices instead of issuing commands works well as an alternative approach.

For instance, you could ask your child, “Would you like to go to the library and find books on this subject, or would you like to approach your teacher for help?”

This type of question gives your children some freedom, while still pointing them in the right direction.

Reason #3: Your child is struggling with perfectionism.

You know the perfectionist when you see him or her: the desire to please, the obsession with getting everything right, and the tendency to procrastinate.

What many people don’t realize about perfectionism is that it can be crippling.

The desire to achieve perfection causes intense pressure as the child develops a paralyzing fear of failure.

So be mindful of the messages you send your children.

If you lose your cool over a broken cup or a bad grade, your children may start to believe that they need to be perfect all the time.

Remind your children that it’s okay to make mistakes. After all, the goal is progress, not perfection.

Reason #4: Your child feels that he or she is being treated as a problem, not a person.

If your children seem lazy or unmotivated, it’s understandable that you’re frustrated.

But if you treat them as if they’re a problem you’re trying to solve, they won’t respond well.

What should you do instead?

Let your children know that you care about who they are as people.

Connect with them over things that interest them. Discuss their favorite books and hobbies. Find out what kind of music they like.

This will help your children to understand that, while they may be struggling, you’ll be there with them the entire way.

Reason #5: Your child feels forced into performing the task or activity.

Children (and adults too!) don’t like being forced into doing things.

So don’t waste your time trying to coerce them into behaving a certain way. They’ll end up feeling frustrated, and so will you.

Instead, motivate your children by emphasizing the reward they’ll get once they finish the task: “When you finish your homework, you can watch TV for half an hour.”

In addition, offer your children choices as often as you can, e.g., “Would you like to take out the trash now or after dinner?”

Reason #6: Your child is under negative influence from peers.

Your son starts swearing. Or you receive news that your daughter has been bullying her classmates.

“That’s not like them,” you think – and it probably isn’t. Most likely, they’re being influenced by those around them.

When you address the issue at hand, don’t jump to conclusions, and don’t be too quick to dish out punishment.

Instead, speak to your children calmly and understand their perspective.

Get them to think about their actions, and help them to reflect on the values and principles they want to live by.

Reason #7: Your child is depressed.

If you’ve witnessed unusual symptoms in your child like fatigue, loss of appetite, irritability, or social withdrawal, he or she may be depressed.

If this describes your child, get professional help immediately.

The longer you wait, the greater the likelihood that the situation will spiral out of control.

Reason #8: Your child has a learning disability.

In some cases, it’s not laziness that’s the issue.

Some children suffer from learning disabilities that hinder them from understanding or retaining information.

They may struggle with basic grammar and math, or find it hard to remember simple equations.

In recent years, there’s been an overdiagnosis of learning disabilities like ADHD. But if you strongly suspect that your child has a learning disability, speak with the school about getting an evaluation done.

If it turns out that your child has a learning disability, you can work with the teachers to develop a plan of action.

Reason #9: Your child isn’t taking care of his or her physical health.

We often underestimate how closely our mental performance is linked to our physical health.

It’s vital that your children have a balanced diet, get enough sleep, and exercise regularly.

Too much sugar and a lack of sleep lead to an inability to focus. This will have a direct impact on your children’s performance in school.

Limit the sweets and processed snacks that you keep around the house. Also, do your best to ensure that everyone in the home gets to bed on time.

Reason #10: Your child feels that he or she is being micromanaged.

No one likes having a boss who’s a micromanager. Neither do children and teenagers like having parents who are micromanagers.

So resist the urge to control every aspect of your children’s lives: what clothes they wear, what food they eat, when they do their homework, which friends they hang out with.

As the saying goes, “Parents should prepare the child for the path, not the path for the child.”

As much as possible, involve your children in the process of establishing rules and determining the consequences when those rules are broken.

This will make it much more likely that they’ll abide by those rules, which means that you won’t need to micromanage them either.

Reason #11: Your child feels that the acceptance he or she receives from you is conditional.

Do you only praise your children when they meet your standards?

Do you show your children that you love them, regardless of their behavior or accomplishments?

If children feel as if they’re only loved when they act a certain way, their motivation will wane, because they may give up trying to earn your love.

Of course, you should have expectations of your children in terms of their values and moral standards. But always remind them that you love them unconditionally.

Reason #12: Your child lacks mentors or role models.

Every child needs a mentor. But it’s hard for parents to play this role, especially when the child reaches the teenage years.

Mentors provide children and teenagers with a fresh perspective on education and life.

More importantly, their advice won’t be perceived as nagging, as it might be if the same advice came from the parents.

Research also shows that children who have a mentor experience greater levels of life satisfaction than children who don’t.

So I encourage you to find a trusted friend who’s willing to meet with your child periodically to mentor him or her. (I also offer this mentoring/coaching program.)

Conclusion

In this article, you’ve learned the 12 most common reasons why children and teens seem lazy or unmotivated.

Depending on the situation, there may be several factors involved.

As such, helping your children regain their motivation will likely require a multi-pronged approach.

Take it one step at a time and one day at a time. I’m confident that your efforts will pay off in the long run, and you’ll see that your children have become more diligent, responsible and motivated!

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7 Common Mistakes That Damage Your Parent-Child Relationship

Updated on January 6, 2026 By Daniel Wong 6 Comments

Is there tension in your parent-child relationship?

Or is it hard for you to communicate with your child?

If so, don’t be discouraged.

We all try our best as parents, but things aren’t always smooth sailing.

I’ve spoken to and worked with more than 20,000 tweens and teens. I’ve seen first-hand how easily parent-child relationships can be damaged.

Here are seven ways that parents hurt the relationship with their child – so avoid doing these at all costs.

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1. Tell your child that he isn’t living up to his potential.

Parents sometimes say to their underperforming child:

“You’re not maximizing your potential.”
“You’re intelligent, but you’re not making the most of it.”
“You’re wasting your potential.”
“If you worked harder, you would fulfill your potential.”

Do children feel motivated when they hear things like these? Unfortunately, they don’t.

Children share with me that when they’re told they’re not living up to their potential, they’re uninspired to improve.

Why?

Because they feel as if their parents care more about their performance than who they are as a person. They feel as if their parents would consider them more “complete,” if only they achieved more.

This causes resentment, which hinders them from even wanting to change their behavior.

Instead of focusing on your child’s untapped potential, acknowledge his good behavior. For example, if you observe that he’s been more diligent in his school work (even if it’s just a tiny improvement), acknowledge this change. You could say, “I notice you’ve been more focused recently.”

Or if he’s kind toward his younger sibling, compliment him by saying, “That’s thoughtful of you.”

The more attention you pay to your child’s good behavior, the more that behavior will multiply. Gradually, your parent-child relationship will improve too.

2. Make your child feel as if your love is conditional.

Many parents do this unintentionally by overemphasising the importance of grades.

In fact, children often say to me, “I feel as if my parents love me more when I do well in school.”

Parents of these children would claim that their love is not dependent on their children’s grades. But this isn’t the message the children hear.

One father I know believes that parents’ love for their children should be conditional. He believes that parents should only extend love if their children are hardworking and obedient.

Given his harsh attitude, I’m not surprised that his children are not hardworking or obedient.

If you want your children to find long-term success and fulfillment, remind them that your love for them is unconditional.

3. Bring up incidents from the past.

In the heat of the moment, it’s easy to bring up unpleasant incidents from the past: that time your child lied, behaved disrespectfully, betrayed your trust, or got in trouble at school.

When parents do this, it causes bitterness and resentment.

It may sound clichéd, but let bygones be bygones. This is especially important when it comes to the parent-child relationship.

If you do bring up an incident from the past during an argument, apologize to your child.

My experience tells me that these are the most powerful words you can say to a child: “I’m sorry, I was wrong. Will you forgive me?”

4. Continually criticize or nag your child.

We want our children to grow up to be polite, honest, kind, resilient, and successful. So it’s natural to criticize them whenever their current behavior isn’t aligned with who we want them to become.

As such, parents nag their children about their …

Work ethic
Attitude
Manners
Choice of friends
Hairstyle
Choice of clothes
Personal hygiene
Dietary habits
Taste in music
Choice of what they do in their free time or during school holidays

The list goes on.

But constant criticism rarely accomplishes anything besides damaging the parent-child relationship. I’ve even heard parents criticize their children by calling them “lazy” or “unmotivated.”

When children are given such negative labels, they’ll continue to live up to their reputation as “lazy” or “unmotivated.” After all, there’s no reason for them to change, because their parents have already formed this strong opinion of them.

What’s the alternative?

Acknowledge your child’s good behavior (see Point #1) and give her positive labels. This way, she’ll have a good name to live up to.

Over time, your relationship with her will improve, as will her behavior.

5. Talk down to your child.

From the time your child was born, you’ve been his primary caregiver. You’ve changed his diapers, made his milk, bathed him, given him food, taken him to school, wiped away his tears … and much more.

As your child gets older, it’s easy to feel as if you know better than him in every area. Although you may sometimes be right, talking down to him isn’t effective.

Avoid saying the following, which your child will perceive as condescending:

“I know what’s best for you.”
“You’ll understand when you’re older …”
“You’re just a child …”
“You don’t know anything …”
“Because I said so!”

Use the top-down approach sparingly. Instead, ask for your child’s opinion and seek to understand his perspective.

With this kind of mutual respect, your parent-child relationship is sure to improve.

6. Be unavailable to your child.

We live in a competitive, fast-paced world. So parents must make an intentional choice to be available to their children.

If you’re constantly busy with work and other commitments, your children may feel neglected. This makes it difficult to build a strong parent-child relationship.

What are some ways to become more available to your child?

Here are some suggestions:

Schedule regular one-to-one dates with your child
Have meals together as a family
Take an interest in your child’s games or hobbies
Bring your child with you when you run errands
Fix a broken fan or unclog a pipe with your child
Do household chores as a family
Take a walk together after dinner

The more available you are to your child, the less likely it is that she’ll withdraw or rebel.

7. Make assumptions and jump to conclusions.

Doing this is the quickest way to destroy your parent-child relationship.

Here are two examples of parents making assumptions and jumping to conclusions:

Example 1

Jane fails her science exam for the second time in a row.

When Jane breaks the news to her parents, they exclaim: “Why didn’t you study for the exam? I don’t know how you became so lazy.”

Example 2

One Saturday night, Benjamin comes home two hours after his curfew. This is the third time he’s broken his curfew.

Once he opens the front door, his parents fly into a rage: “You forgot about the time, didn’t you? What trouble were you up to with your friends?”

These examples might seem like exaggerations, but based on what tweens and teens share with me, they aren’t. In fact, some parents make even more far-fetched assumptions.

What might have actually happened in the examples above?

In Example 1, Jane may have studied extremely hard, but she may have blanked out during the exam. In addition, she may lack the organizational skills necessary for academic success. (This is the case for many of the students I work with.)

In Example 2, Benjamin may have needed to rush his friend to the hospital because of a medical emergency. He may have forgotten to bring his phone with him, so he couldn’t contact his parents to inform them. (This is a real story I heard.)

So don’t make assumptions or jump to conclusions. Give your child the benefit of the doubt, at least until you’ve heard her side of the story.

This will help to develop a trusting parent-child relationship, where the lines of communication remain open.

The bottom line

If you realize you’ve been making some of the mistakes listed in this article, don’t be too hard on yourself.

It takes two hands to clap, and your child also has a part to play in making the parent-child relationship work.

But as parents, we’re the leaders of our home.

So we must be proactive, humble, and courageous in cultivating a loving home environment.

As Dr. Gary Smalley once said, “Life is relationships; the rest is just details.”

Let’s get to work building strong family relationships. It’s the most important work we’ll ever do.

An earlier version of this article appeared on Yahoo!.

(If you haven’t already done so, make sure to download your free e-book below.)

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15 Things Parents Should Stop Saying to Their Children

Updated on January 6, 2026 By Daniel Wong 4 Comments

Do you wish you had a better relationship with your children?

Maybe your children don’t communicate much with you. They spend most of their time in their room, glued to their smartphone or computer.

Maybe they also lack motivation – except when it comes to social media and gaming.

If this describes your children, don’t despair. In this article, I’ll share with you specific ways to improve the situation.

I’ve spoken to and worked with 20,000 pre-teens and teens, and they’ve confessed to me why they behave this way.

Want to know the reason?

It’s because of the way their parents talk to them.

Of course, the parent-child relationship is a two-way street. But if parents stopped saying certain things, children would become more communicative, respectful, and responsible.

So here’s a list of 15 things that parents should stop saying to their children…

(Don’t forget to download your free e-book below.)

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1. “You always …” or “You never …”

Have you ever said any of the following to your children?

“You always wake up late.”
“You always take the easy way out.”
“You always get in trouble at school.”
“You never submit your homework on time.”
“You never do your chores.”
“You never put your clothes in the laundry basket.”

When you use the phrase “You always …” or “You never …” your children will become defensive. The conversation may then turn into an argument.

After all, there probably have been times when your children did wake up on time, submit their homework before the deadline, or put their clothes in the laundry basket.

So try this approach instead.

State objective facts that your children can’t refute. For instance, you could say to your child: “Over the past week, you’ve woken up late three times, by more than 20 minutes each time. This is an issue we need to resolve.”

By citing specific examples, you and your children will have a more fruitful discussion.

2. “You should be ashamed of yourself.”

The aim isn’t to guilt your children into changing their behavior. Rather, the aim is to coach them to make decisions based on the right values and principles.

Instead of saying “You should be ashamed of yourself,” process the situation with your children.

Help them to see what alternatives they could have considered, so that they’ll make the right choice in the future.

3. “Good job!”

Studies indicate that, in healthy relationships, the ratio of positive comments to negative comments is roughly 6:1.

Unfortunately, I’ve observed that in many families this ratio is reversed. In these families, the negative comments far outnumber the positive ones.

As such, the home environment is tense, and sometimes hostile.

So it’s better to praise your children once in a while than not at all. But the kind of praise matters too.

Telling your children “Good job!” is too general. What exactly did they do that was commendable?

For praise to be meaningful, it must be specific.

Here are some examples of specific praise you could give your children:

“That’s disciplined of you to have worked on your assignment for one hour straight.”
“I appreciate that you’ve done all your household chores over the past two days.”
“That’s thoughtful of you to set the table without anyone asking you to.”
“I appreciate that you woke up on time for school today.”

The more you acknowledge your children’s good behavior, the more they’ll display that behavior.

4. “Why did you …”

You might complete this sentence by saying:

“… hit your brother/sister?”
“… drop the glass cup?”
“… forget to bring your textbook to school?”
“… skip school?”

It’s hard for your children to answer these questions in the heat of the moment. What’s more, your children will feel accused or threatened, so they’ll be more likely to lie.

Try asking “What happened?” instead.

For example, you might say: “Your teacher called to say that you skipped school yesterday. What happened?” There might be a legitimate reason, so don’t jump to conclusions.

5. “What’s wrong with you?”

This one is similar to Phrase #4.

Asking “What’s wrong with you?” will cause your children to become bitter and withdrawn. Besides, it isn’t a question that will help your children to reflect on their bad behavior.

To understand your children’s perspective, say this instead: “What was going through your mind when you did that?”

If you say this calmly, you’ll have a better chance of getting to the root of the problem.

6. “Don’t argue with me.”

You might say this out of exasperation, especially when you feel disrespected.

But from your children’s point of view, they may not think they’re being disrespectful at all. As children explain their opinion, they sometimes don’t realise that they’re being rude.

As such, telling them not to argue with you seems unreasonable.

I’m not saying you should tolerate all rude behavior, but I am saying that children need to know that their opinions count.

So refrain from saying “Don’t argue with me.” Rather, maintain your composure and ask gentle questions to get to the heart of how your children feel.

7. “Because I said so.”

This phrase is the cousin of Phrase #6, and it’s just as ineffective.

Children want to understand the rationale behind family policies. If they don’t, they won’t follow those policies – at least, not willingly.

So take the time to explain the logic to your children. I recommend that you get into problem-solving mode with your children. Brainstorm other possible solutions, and write them down as you go along.

Your children might just come up with ingenious ideas you hadn’t even thought of!

8. “I told you so.”

It’s tempting to say this when your children make a mistake that you’d already warned them about.

But resist this temptation. Your children know they’ve messed up, so don’t rub it in.

Discipline your children if necessary. But before you do that, process the situation with them. Remind them that you’re there for them, and that you love them.

After all, it’s when your children have made a mistake that they need your reassurance and support the most. They don’t need you to tell them “I told you so.”

9. “If I were you …”

Well-meaning parents say this to encourage their children to make a certain decision.

But when children hear this phrase, they immediately think to themselves: “Well, you’re NOT me!” They proceed to tune out the rest of the advice their parents provide.

What’s the better way of getting through to your children?

Share your feelings. Talk about where you stand on the matter. And make it clear that you want to hear your children’s perspective too. Ask them thoughtful questions, and really listen to their responses.

This is the only way to reach an agreement that both you and your children will find reasonable.

10. “Why can’t you be more like your brother/sister/cousin/friend?”

What’s the most common piece of parenting advice you’ve heard?

In all likelihood, it’s “Don’t compare.”

But as a parent, it’s so hard not to compare.

Parents use their children as benchmarks to assess their own ability as parents. This is one big reason why parents compare their children with others.

When you compare, however, your children feel as if your love for them is based on their behavior or performance. They feel as if you would approve of them more, if only they were more like their brother/sister/cousin/friend.

So remind your children that you love them exactly the same, no matter what they do. But at the same time, encourage them to pursue excellence.

Explain to them that we all have responsibilities, and that it’s important to do our best to fulfill those responsibilities.

11. “I know how you feel.”

As a parent, you’ve gone through childhood and adolescence. Which means you’ve experienced betrayal, rejection, and disappointment.

But just because you’ve gone through a similar experience to your children doesn’t mean you know how they feel.

Tweens and teens say to me, “Times have changed. My parents don’t understand how different things are today compared to when they were growing up.”

Do your best to see things from your children’s point of view. Step into their shoes. Try out their games and hobbies. Listen to their favorite music. Get to know their friends. And listen respectfully when they share their thoughts and feelings.

12. “When I was your age …”

You might finish this sentence by saying:

“… I helped out so much more around the house.”
“… I had so many more responsibilities than you.”
“… I studied for eight hours a day.”
“… I had to work for everything I wanted.”
“… I didn’t have all the luxuries that you enjoy today.”

The indirect aim of saying this is to spur your child to become more grateful, hardworking, or disciplined.

But this approach doesn’t work.

Children are all too aware that things today are far different from 30 years ago, so they can’t relate to your experiences.

When you share your experiences, do it such that they understand you better – not as an attempt to coerce them into better behavior.

13. “I know what’s best for you.”

I like this insightful saying by Ann Landers: “It’s not what you do for your children that matters most. It’s what you teach them to do for themselves.”

In other words, parenthood is about helping your children to take full responsibility for their lives.

When you say “I know what’s best for you,” you’re exerting your parental authority. But you’re also missing out on an opportunity to let your children take ownership of the situation.

As long as your children aren’t in physical danger, I encourage you to let them make mistakes. That’s the only way they’ll acquire real-world knowledge and wisdom.

14. “There’s no reason to be scared.”

By saying this, you’re invalidating your children’s feelings. Over time, your children may start to suppress their feelings. They may even have trouble expressing their emotions.

I’ve seen this happen for many of my clients.

Instead of telling your children that they shouldn’t feel a certain way, empathize with them. Teach them to label their feelings and acknowledge them.

This way, your children will learn to manage their emotions, rather than ignore them.

15. “You’re not living up to your potential.”

Parents say this in the hope of inspiring their children to work harder. But this approach isn’t effective.

Why?

Because children will internalize the fact that they’re the type who doesn’t “live up to their potential.” They may begin to see this as a permanent trait.

Some of my clients share with me that they don’t see a reason to change their attitude, since they’ve already been labelled “lazy” or “unmotivated.”

A lack of motivation usually stems from unmet emotional needs. So offer your children help and support – not harsh criticism. And if you’re unable to get to the root of the issue, don’t be afraid to seek professional help.

The bottom line

If you feel like you’re having trouble communicating with your children, you’re not alone.

But rest assured that improving your parent-child relationship isn’t complicated.

All you have to do is stop saying the 15 things mentioned in this article, and you’ll see changes in the relationship. Little by little, your children will become happier, more motivated, and more responsible.

It’ll take time and effort, but it’ll be worth it.

Today’s the day to get started.

An earlier version of this article first appeared on Yahoo!.

(If you haven’t already done so, make sure to download your free e-book below.)

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Images: Parent and child, Why, Compare, Scared

How to Deal With a Defiant Child: 10 Strategies That Work

Updated on January 6, 2026 By Daniel Wong 13 Comments

Give yourself a pat on the back.

Parenthood is tough, and you’re doing the best you can.

You thought the worst was over when you no longer had to deal with dirty diapers, multiple middle-of-the-night wakings, and temper tantrums.

But it seems like the worst isn’t over. In the blink of an eye, you now have a defiant child on your hands.

He talks back to you. He disobeys you. He doesn’t pay attention in class. He refuses to do his homework.

Maybe the situation is more serious than that. Maybe he’s hanging out with bad company, or maybe he’s started smoking or drinking.

You’ve tried everything, but things haven’t improved. But rest assured that there’s hope, because the situation can get better.

Having mentored many rebellious, defiant children, I’ve come up with a list of 10 strategies that work…

(Don’t forget to download your free e-book below.)

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1. When you’re angry, walk away temporarily.

It’s reasonable to get angry when your child is rude or disrespectful. But if you’re on the brink of losing control of your emotions, walk away.

Tell your child that you’re angry, and that you’ll address the situation later. This way, you won’t say or do anything you’ll regret later on.

Take 10 to 15 minutes to collect your thoughts and decide on an appropriate response. When you’ve calmed down – by that time, your child will be calmer too – start the discussion afresh.

2. Nag/scold less, and listen more.

Tweens and teens complain to me that their parents just don’t listen to them. When they try to explain their point of view, their parents often respond by saying:

“Don’t argue with me.”
“I know what’s best for you.”
“When I was your age …”
“Why are you being so difficult?”
“When you grow up, you’ll understand …”

These responses cause children to become even more defiant.

Instead of nagging and scolding, trying really listening. Ask your child about her thoughts and opinions. Ask her how she feels. Ask her what she thinks you can do to be a better parent.

Then listen without judging or criticizing.

Gradually, you’ll get to the root of her rebellious behavior.

For a start, I recommend that you have 30 minutes of no nagging/scolding time every day. This could be the first 30 minutes after your child wakes up, or during dinner.

In this way, you’ll learn to kick your nagging/scolding habit and create a more pleasant home environment.

3. Acknowledge your child’s good behavior.

If you have a defiant child, you may feel like this is impossible to do. After all, it seems like she’s making unwise decisions and behaving irresponsibly every single day, right?

But the more you focus on a specific behavior, the more she’ll display that behavior.

If you point out her bad behavior day after day, that bad behavior will multiply. On the other hand, if you acknowledge her good behavior, that good behavior will multiply too.

For example, if you see her doing something thoughtful, smile at her and say, “That’s thoughtful of you.” She’ll appreciate this little compliment more than you expect.

As you make this a habit, over time she’ll stop feeling as if she’s a “problem child.” Instead, she’ll feel like she has a good reputation to live up to, so she’ll increasingly be on her best behavior.

4. Pick your battles.

Take a minute and write down five things you frequently argue with your child about.

Are they important issues? Or not-so-important ones?

If your child is skipping school or doing drugs, of course you should intervene.

But if you don’t like your child’s hairstyle or choice of clothes, you might be wise not to pass a comment.

Not all battles are worth fighting. In dealing with a defiant child, you must pick your battles carefully.

Here’s a personal example.

When I was 17, I wanted to get my ear pierced. When I told my parents about my intentions, they weren’t thrilled. Nonetheless, they gave me their blessing, so I got the piercing.

Later on, I got a minor (but painful!) infection because of the piercing. Still, my parents never once said, “I told you so.” They didn’t even object when I wore a big, shiny, fake diamond earring to a relative’s wedding dinner.

Well, what do you know? A couple of years later, I decided it wasn’t cool to wear an earring, and I haven’t worn an earring since.

I’m thankful to my parents for choosing not to fight this “earring battle,” because it wasn’t a big deal in the long run.

Be intentional about which battles you decide to fight. And when you decide to fight a specific battle, make it clear that you’re not doing battle against your child. Rather, you’re doing battle with your child to solve the problem.

Which brings me to the next point …

5. Work together with your child to find a solution.

As a parent, it’s tempting to exert your parental authority and “lay down the law.” This is even more so when your defiant child refuses to respect you as the leader of your family.

But laying down the law doesn’t work, especially if your child is a tween or teen. This is because, at this age, they’re learning to express their individuality and independence.

What’s the alternative to a top-down approach?

Involve your child in the process. Find out how he feels about the current situation, and what suggestions he has to resolve it. For all you know, he might have some ingenious ideas.

For example, if you’re frustrated that your child has been missing family dinners because he’s been out with friends, have a calm discussion with him.

He might share with you how important family is to him, but how his friends are important to him too. Together, you might decide on a reasonable number of family dinners he’s expected to attend each week.

Working together with your child to find a solution is far more effective than declaring that he’ll attend every family dinner, or else.

6. Tell your child what you appreciate about him or her.

When’s the last time you told your child that you appreciate her?

Even if she’s a defiant child, she still possesses some positive traits. If she’s kind and courageous, let her know that you admire those things about her.

By doing this, she’ll be reminded of your unconditional acceptance and love. This will help to open the lines of communication, which will defuse her rebellious behavior.

If you feel awkward about doing this in person, you could write her a letter instead. My own mom has been writing letters to me my whole life – and she’s continued this practice up to this day. I feel touched every time she writes me a letter, and I keep all of them.

7. Show your child common courtesies.

By this, I do not mean that you should let your child walk all over you, or that you should make him the center of your family’s universe.

What I do mean is that you should treat him with basic respect:

Say “please” and “thank you,” where appropriate
Don’t cut him off when he’s talking
Refrain from continually criticizing him
Give him choices, where appropriate
Don’t call him “stupid” or “useless”
Don’t talk bad about him, especially not in front of others

As you treat your child with respect, he’ll be more likely to show you respect too.

8. Apologize to your child, if necessary.

As parents, we sometimes lose our temper, say unkind things, and make unreasonable pronouncements. If you have a defiant child, this probably happens a lot more often than you’d like.

When we make a mistake, we must apologize.

Leaders go first. As leaders of our family, we must be the first to say “I’m sorry” to our children. In so doing, our children will learn what it means to be humble and vulnerable.

Here’s how you can practice this.

List the mistakes you’ve made that you have yet to apologize to your child for. Write them down, even if the incidents happened a long time ago.

Then start making one apology a month.

What do I mean?

Every month, find one opportunity to say “I’m sorry” to your child for something you haven’t apologized for. For example, when you have a quiet moment alone with her, you could say: “Remember that time when I promised to take you to the theme park after your exams, but I couldn’t because something came up at work? I’m really sorry about that.”

This “one apology a month” technique will help you build a stronger relationship with your child. As this happens, she’ll become less rebellious.

9. Get to know your child’s friends, especially if you think they’re “bad company.”

Your child probably has some friends you don’t approve of. Maybe they use vulgarities, smoke, or skip school.

In such a situation, many parents will say to the child, “I don’t like you hanging out with those friends.”

But do you think this is effective? Probably not. In all likelihood, he’ll spend more time with those friends, just to go against your wishes.

Try this approach instead.

Get to know your child’s friends. Invite them to your home. Feed them (who doesn’t like free food, right?). Tell them that they’re welcome to hang out at your place.

The more you interact with these friends, the more accurately you’ll be able to assess if they’re bad company or not. You can then make a better-informed decision about whether you should intervene.

In addition, by hanging out at your home, at least they won’t be roaming the streets looking for trouble.

10. Don’t cast judgment on your child’s hobbies, interests, music, etc.

Tweens and teens – especially the ones labeled as “defiant” or “rebellious” – often feel like they’re treated as a problem, not a person. They feel like everyone around them is trying to “fix” them, so they react by rebelling even more aggressively.

To reconnect with your child, refrain from casting judgment, as far as possible. After all, nobody gets inspired to change their behavior if they feel judged.

Here are some examples of judgmental statements you shouldn’t make:

“Stop wasting time playing online games.” (You’ve cast judgment that online games are a waste of time.)
“The music you listen to is trashy.” (You’ve cast judgment on your child’s taste in music.)
“Your friends are a bad influence on you.” (You’ve cast judgment on your child’s ability to choose the right friends.)
“You’re lazy when it comes to your school work.” (You’ve cast judgment on your child’s character.)
“You should eat more. You’re too skinny.” (You’ve cast judgment on your child’s body.)

Here’s how you might start a more meaningful conversation in each of the situations listed above:

“Tell me more about the game you’re playing.” (It might even help if you play the game yourself.)
“What do you like about this music?”
“What do your friends do for fun?”
“Is there anything I can do to help you in your school work?”
“What type of food do you like best? We can try to cook more of that type of food at home.”

By being more understanding and less judgmental, you’ll establish a better relationship with your child.

As the saying goes, “Rules without relationship breeds rebellion.”

If you want your child to be less defiant and rebellious, your parent-child relationship is the critical piece of the puzzle.

The bottom line

To recap, here are the 10 strategies to deal with a defiant child:

When you’re angry, walk away temporarily.
Nag/scold less, and listen more.
Acknowledge your child’s good behavior.
Pick your battles.
Work together with your child to find a solution.
Tell your child what you appreciate about him or her.
Show your child common courtesies.
Apologize to your child, if necessary.
Get to know your child’s friends, especially if you think they’re “bad company.”
Don’t cast judgment on your child’s hobbies, interests, music, etc.

I guarantee that these strategies work. But they won’t work overnight.

Change takes time, so don’t be discouraged if your child doesn’t respond right away. Press on, and in the coming weeks and months I’m confident that the situation will improve.

I love this quote by Harold B. Lee: “The most important work you and I will ever do will be within the walls of our own homes.”

It’s time for us to get to work.

P.S. I work with students 1-to-1 to help them become both happy and successful. Click here to find out more.

An earlier version of this article first appeared on Yahoo!.

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Images: Defiant child, Boxing gloves, Sorry note

7 Phrases That Children Need To Hear From Their Parents

Updated on January 6, 2026 By Daniel Wong 32 Comments

Listening

Are you worried that your children aren’t as motivated and hardworking as they should be?

It’s natural that parents want their children to succeed.

Through my work with students, I’ve realized just how much the parent-child relationship affects the child’s development, both emotionally and mentally.

No surprises there.

The stronger the relationship, the better the chances of the child becoming a well-adjusted, successful adult.

This article lists seven simple phrases that will help you to build that relationship.

The more often you use the phrases – I’m not asking you to repeat them every moment of every day, though! – the more likely it is that your child will grow up feeling safe, secure and self-confident. That’s the foundation of long-term success and happiness.

Here are the seven phrases:

1. “I love you”

This is an obvious but vital one.

Children need to know that you love and accept them unconditionally. You might feel awkward about saying “I love you” to your children, especially if it isn’t part of your family culture. But I encourage you to say it at least once a month. If you say it once a week or once a day, even better.

95% of the teenagers I work with confess to me that they feel as though their parents love them more when they perform well in school or in their other activities.

In extreme cases, these children grow up believing that they’ll never be good enough. This can cause them to be unmotivated, or to exhibit other behavioral problems.

The simple solution?

Say “I love you” to your children. Often.

2. “Go for it!”

Of course, if your children are about to do something dangerous or unethical, you shouldn’t tell them to “go for it.” You should step in.

But when they’re faced with a challenge that they’ll benefit from taking on, they need your encouragement to bolster their confidence.

Parents tend to be too cautious, because they take a short-term view of parenting. I’m a parent myself, so I know how tempting this can be.

I believe that the goal of parenting isn’t to shelter our children or to provide them with a comfortable life. It’s to prepare them for adulthood, where they won’t just survive – they’ll thrive.

Adulthood is full of challenges, so in childhood and adolescence your kids need all the practice they can get in overcoming them.

To do that, they’ll need your support, and for you to tell them, “Go for it!”

3. “I’m proud of you”

I recommend that you say this to your children frequently, and not just when they’ve accomplished something remarkable.

Being proud of your children for what they’ve done is different from being proud of them for who they are.

There’s nothing wrong with being proud of your children for what they’ve achieved. But they need to know that you’ll still be proud of them, even if they don’t achieve anything impressive.

Whenever you observe your children displaying kindness, generosity, humility, courage, or any other positive behavior, take the opportunity to say, “I’m proud of you.”

Don’t underestimate the tremendous power of this simple phrase.

4. “I believe in you”

For many people, childhood and adolescence are times of self-doubt.

Am I capable enough?

What will people think of me if I fail?

Do I have what it takes?

Why can’t I be as smart as Tim, or as popular as Jaime?

These are the kinds of questions that children ask themselves.

In the midst of their doubt, they need you to be their loyal advocate, their ardent fan.

It breaks my heart when teenagers tell me that their parents are their biggest critic, not their biggest fan. Their parents belittle them and put them down. On occasion, their parents even call them “useless” or “stupid.”

I’m blessed that, throughout my own life, my parents have told me that they believe in me – especially when I didn’t believe in myself. This gave me the confidence to dream big and dare to fail.

This is a gift that you can share with your children too, as you say to them, “I believe in you.”

5. “Will you forgive me?”

As a parent, you’re an authority figure in your home. Apologizing to your children is hard, because your pride is at stake.

But leaders go first. As a leader in your home, you must take the first step.

For example, if you’ve said something unkind during an argument with your child, be the first one to say, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. Will you forgive me?”

As you model this kind of humility, your children will develop new respect for you. This is also an excellent opportunity to show your children that we all make mistakes, but that it’s crucial to take responsibility for them.

6. “Will you show me how you did that?”

At some point, your children will know more about certain things than you. Maybe they already know more about social media or music or Internet marketing than you.

I know many parents who act as if they know more than their children in every area. When their children bring up almost any topic, these parents cut them off, jump to conclusions, or cast judgment.

Soon enough, these children stop communicating openly with their parents. “Why should I talk to my parents, when they don’t actually listen to what I have to say?” these children think.

So if your children know more about something than you, I encourage you to say, “That’s interesting. Tell me more.”

And if you see your children doing something you’re not able to, why not ask them, “Will you show me how you did that?”

A few days ago, I was waiting to get a haircut when I saw a 14-year-old boy playing with a Rubik’s cube. He solved the Rubik’s cube in less than 15 seconds. I was impressed!

The boy’s mother was sitting next to him. She remarked, “Wow! Will you show me how you did that?” Grinning with pride, the boy explained step-by-step how to solve a Rubik’s cube.

When you take a genuine interest in your children’s hobbies, they feel valued and respected. This is vital for a healthy parent-child relationship.

7. “I’m here for you”

As children get older, they want more independence. They want the freedom to make choices, and to chart their own course.

Parents may start to feel as if their children don’t want to have anything to do with them. But this isn’t the case.

Even the most rebellious teenagers I’ve worked with care about what their parents think, at some level.

If your children are in their teens, allow them to make as many of their own choices as possible. After all, they’re going to be adults in a few short years. They’ll appreciate your advice and counsel, as long as you make it clear that the final decision is theirs. Naturally, they must deal with the consequences of their choices too.

By saying “I’m here for you,” your children will know that you’re there to help if the going gets tough. This way, they’ll be more confident as they venture out into the world.

The bottom line

Parenting is an adventure that’s full of both frustration and joy, but it doesn’t have to be complicated.

That’s where these seven simple phrases come in.

Start small. Choose one phrase, and use it at least once in the coming month. The next month, add one more phrase to your repertoire.

Soon enough, you’ll be using all seven phrases as a habit. And you’ll be well on your way to bringing up happy and successful children – one day at a time, and one phrase at a time.

Image: Listening