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Parents, Stop Telling Your Kids to Study Hard for Their Own Good (And What to Do Instead)

Updated on July 16, 2024 By Daniel Wong 45 Comments

Parent and child

Yes, it is for your kids’ own good that they study hard.

But you shouldn’t tell them that.

Why not?

Because if you do, they’ll be less likely to study hard.

(I’ve spoken to and worked with more than 20,000 students, so I say this with confidence.)

In this article, I’ll provide an explanation.

I’ll also share three tips to help your kids develop intrinsic motivation.

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Don’t expect your kids to get an education in school

This might sound strange, so hear me out.

We live in a world where knowledge abounds.

It’s incredible that most of this knowledge is available for free online – you just have to seek it out.

A couple of decades ago, to get an education you had almost no choice but to attend school.

But today, you can take courses on Khan Academy, Coursera, Udacity, Udemy, and other websites.

If you’re diligent about taking these courses, you’d acquire more skills and knowledge than you would in almost any traditional school.

This means that, over time, the diplomas and degrees that schools give out will matter less.

It also means that students shouldn’t go to school expecting to get an education. Rather, school should form just one part of a student’s education.

In the future, diplomas and degrees won’t be the ticket to a well-paying job and a comfortable life. (This is already starting to be the case.)

But for now, such certificates still matter.

Statistics show that students who perform better in school are more likely to get jobs that pay better.

And students who study hard are obviously more likely to perform well in school.

Which means that if you want to motivate your kids, you should tell them to work hard in school for their own benefit, right?

Wrong.

Allow me to explain.

3 reasons it’s ineffective to tell your kids to study hard for their own good

Reason #1: Students today aren’t hungry for a “better life”

Teenager listening to music

In developed countries today, most children and teenagers have more material things than they need.

More toys than they need.

More shoes than they need.

More clothes than they need.

More electronic devices than they need.

In contrast, one or two generations ago, most people experienced real hardship.

For example, my parents and grandparents grew up with far less (materially speaking) than I did.

From an early age, it was obvious to my parents that if they wanted to have a more comfortable life in the future, they needed to work hard in school.

Their teachers and parents told them that education was the key to success – and in that era, it was true.

Today, young people already lead lives of comfort, if not luxury.

Not all of them realise this, but some do.

For example, I know a student who dropped out of school at the age of 14 because she hated everything about school.

No matter what her parents said, she refused to go to school.

In a moment of reflection, she said, “You know, I’m not doing anything productive with my life. But my life is still pretty good. I have a smartphone, I have access to the Internet, I have a nice bed to sleep in, and I have air conditioning at home.”

If you live in a developed country, I’m guessing that your kids experience a similar level of material comfort as this 14-year-old girl.

Children and teenagers can’t imagine life without these comforts.

As such, they subconsciously assume that their life will continue to be comfortable, regardless of how hard they try in school.

I’ve worked with a few unmotivated teenagers who said to me: “I’ve already calculated how much my inheritance will be. I don’t think I’ll need to work a day in my life.”

I was in disbelief when I heard this.

It was almost as if these students were wishing death upon their parents so they could get their inheritance!

But it just goes to show that many young people assume they won’t need to work hard to maintain their current standard of living.

Because they’ve grown up with so much, they don’t feel the need to work hard so they can own even more “nice” things. They already own plenty of nice things!

This means that the desire to achieve more doesn’t motivate them to study hard in the same way it motivated people one or two generations ago.

This is the first reason why telling your kids to study hard so they can have a “better life” isn’t effective.

Reason #2: Students desperately want to feel as if their lives are significant, but studying doesn’t help them to feel this way

Unhappy student

Through my interactions with thousands of students around the world, I’ve come to realise that they all want to feel as if they’re contributing.

When they feel as if they’re contributing, they also feel as if their lives are significant. This is an observation that’s backed up by research.

This, in turn, enables them to be more motivated and purpose-driven overall.

What does this have to do with studying hard?

Plenty.

The direct message students receive in school is that they should study hard to get good grades, so that they’ll be able to get a good job, so that they’ll be able to enjoy a comfortable life (which they are probably already enjoying).

The indirect message students receive is that they won’t make a real contribution until after they’ve completed their formal education.

What’s more, schools tend to emphasise achievement, both in academics and other activities.

But what young people crave is a sense that they’re contributing, that their lives are useful to others.

Students say to me, “If I study hard, I get A’s. If I don’t study hard, I get D’s. Either way, nothing about the world really changes.”

This statement bears more truth than parents and educators would like to admit.

It highlights the fact that students want to make an impact, no matter their age.

When they don’t have this sense of significance, they turn to social media and games.

Through these platforms, they can build a following, get “likes”, gain admiration for their looks and abilities, and “level up” their characters.

They get a real sense of significance and achievement in the online world, which they might not be able to get in the real world.

Social media and games are entertaining, but they also serve to help young people meet their real needs in a virtual way.

This is a big reason why millions of teenagers around the world are so addicted to their phones.

In summary, there’s no point telling your kids to study hard for their own good. This is because studying doesn’t give them the sense of significance they so desperately want and need.

Reason #3: The rewards of studying hard are too far in the future

Students taking exam

As mentioned earlier, schools tell students the story that they should study hard and do their homework, so they can eventually get a diploma or degree. Thereafter, they can get a well-paying job.

To students, this isn’t an inspiring story.

In addition, for many students, they’re only likely to complete their schooling in 5, 10 or 15 years.

If you ask children or teenagers to wait just one year to get a new phone or game or pet, that already seems like an eternity to them.

But we’re expecting students to work hard in school for the next 5, 10 or 15 years because of the reward they’ll get at the end of the journey?

That’s not going to happen – especially not when young people are growing up in an age of instant gratification.

Even the least motivated students I’ve worked with understand that it’s for their own good that they study hard.

But the benefits that students will reap are too far down the road to keep them motivated.

3 tips to help your kids become self-motivated students

Now that we’ve talked about the three reasons why you shouldn’t tell your kids to study hard for their own good, it’s now time to talk about the alternative approaches that work.

Here are three tips to help your kids develop intrinsic motivation:

Tip #1: Focus more on contribution and less on achievement

Volunteer

One important purpose of education is to equip students with the knowledge and skills so they can make a contribution.

Contribution is the foundation of a meaningful life and of intrinsic motivation.

That’s why it’s especially unfortunate that students rarely think about how they can contribute.

Instead, they’re continually thinking about what they want to – or are “supposed” to – achieve. This leaves them feeling unmotivated and uninspired.

What’s the alternative?

To emphasise contribution above achievement.

Do this in the way you speak to your kids about what goes on in their lives.

Help them to see that there are always ways in which they can help and serve others.

Take practical steps to communicate this message too.

For example, as a family you could get involved in a fortnightly or monthly volunteering activity, such as:

  • Helping out at a soup kitchen
  • Tutoring younger children
  • Doing charity work

I’ve found that students who engage in such activities voluntarily at least a couple of times a month become more aware of their responsibilities toward others.

This helps them to adopt a more positive mindset when it comes to fulfilling their responsibilities as a student.

There’s no point forcing your kids to volunteer if they refuse to, but you can always start by setting a good example for them.

Even at home, there are many ways for your kids to contribute.

For example, they can…

  • Help out with chores
  • Cook a simple meal for the family once a week
  • Plan family celebrations
  • Suggest the itinerary for an upcoming family vacation

Overall, I encourage you to move away from the idea that students should only focus on their studies.

If students lead balanced lives that are centred on others, their motivation to acquire knowledge for the benefit of others will increase as well.

Tip #2: Focus more on the process and less on the outcome

Process

Instead of asking your kids what grades they’re getting, turn your attention toward the process by asking questions such as:

  • “What did you try hard at?”
  • “What risks did you take?”
  • “What did you fail at?”
  • “What challenges did you face?”
  • “What will you do differently next time?”

Share with your kids the challenges you face, and what you’re doing to overcome those challenges.

This approach will remind your kids that the process is what matters, not the outcome.

Emphasise to them that grades are just a form of feedback, and that grades are never an end in themselves.

As the research shows, students who embrace this mindset are more likely to be successful in school and beyond.

Tip #3: Create a culture of learning at home

Books

As a parent, you’re the leader of the home.

Your kids are watching you, so if you lead by example they’ll be more likely to develop a positive learning attitude.

Periodically share with your kids…

  • What books you’ve been reading (here are my recommendations for the best books for students)
  • What documentaries you’ve been watching
  • What courses you’ve been taking
  • What challenges you’ve been facing in your personal and professional life
  • What fears you’ve been overcoming
  • What skills you’ve been learning
  • What character traits you’ve been developing

If you do this in a non-preachy way, your kids will internalise the message that learning is fun.

More importantly, they’ll understand that getting better is its own reward.

And when they believe this for themselves, they’ll study hard because they’ll enjoy the process of learning and improving.

Conclusion

As we wrap up, take a minute to think about the long-term goals you have for your kids.

These goals are probably aligned with many – if not all – of the following statements:

  • I want them to be kind
  • I want them to be courageous
  • I want them to be generous
  • I want them to be resilient
  • I want them to be grateful
  • I want them to be trustworthy
  • I want them to be respectful
  • I want them to be people of integrity
  • I want them to love learning
  • I want them to find fulfilment
  • I want them to be passionate about serving and helping others
  • I want them to build meaningful relationships
  • I want them to contribute to their communities
  • I want them to lead lives of purpose

Yet somewhere along the way, you may have lost sight of these goals. You may have started to focus on what’s urgent, instead of what’s important.

(As a parent myself, I know it’s so easy to!)

It’s natural for parents to want their kids to perform well in school.

But I encourage you to aim higher than just getting your kids to study hard.

By applying Tips #1, #2 and #3, your kids will be more likely to head down the path of becoming people of character, contribution and commitment.

Then you won’t even need to remind them to study hard!

This transformational journey will take effort – both from you and your kids – but it’ll be worth it.

Like this article? Please share it with your friends.

FREE E-BOOK:

16 Keys to Motivating Your Teenager (Cover)

Get your FREE copy of

16 Keys to Motivating Your Teenager.


The e-book has already been downloaded by many thousands of parents, so don't miss out!

Filed Under: Children, Education, Learning, Parenting, Perspective, Success, Teens

Comments

  1. Sbongile Dlamini says

    January 8, 2019 at 3:59 pm

    Very informative. Please send more

    Reply
    • Daniel Wong says

      January 8, 2019 at 4:45 pm

      Glad you like the article!

      Reply
      • Helen Biddle says

        April 1, 2021 at 8:20 pm

        Hi Daniel we have a 9 and half ye old who is youngest in class. After Ds I’m G2 and my brain craniotomy we started her on kumon and it was a blessing. Her discipline now overrides her complaining as she matures. She loves being right in math and feels like a timestable superstar! She is now G 5 still in kumon and still does a lot of homework and is proud of her continual independence and growth. I am going to take your advice . Thank you. She also asked me if she could help as an alter server at school mass this year. So she is doing this now. The teacher asked the class and she was the only one . We are so proud. We hope she will handle high school homework because she does 1 he and half a night now and some on weekend too. She does have problem concentrating on class but I know she wants to be one of the leaders so I make sure she is healthy and gets lots of sleep. She does gymnastics and swimming once a weekend loves her friends to bits. Some parents at school don’t like homework and make sarcastic comments when I tell them I’m excited about her debating practice or etc and they say they don’t follow what there child does but others are like me but most don’t have the stamina as they have lots
        Of children. But thank you again. Would love to hear more. Happy Easter 🐣

        Reply
    • Crystal Chiu says

      September 19, 2020 at 8:20 pm

      Thanks for your tips . Your tips reaffirmed us that we are on the right track raising 3 teenage girls . We will continue to do what we do .

      Reply
    • Bhakta Dhital says

      October 29, 2020 at 1:18 pm

      Very useful tips. Thanks.

      Reply
  2. Lyn says

    January 10, 2019 at 7:46 am

    Thanks so much for sharing! Will try starting from today!

    Reply
    • Daniel Wong says

      January 10, 2019 at 10:32 am

      You’re welcome.

      Reply
      • Nishi says

        February 26, 2021 at 1:12 pm

        I have been going through same but after reading this article made it clears most of my confusion of questions about study .
        thanks for sharing

        Reply
    • Shailendra says

      August 26, 2019 at 1:34 pm

      Awesome article. Thanks for sharing with the community. Will start implementing it from today.

      Reply
  3. Cynthia Soh says

    January 10, 2019 at 8:12 am

    I appreciate and agree what you shared! I will try to use your tips on my 2 kids. Lastly, hopefully can read more great stuff from you again.

    Reply
    • Daniel Wong says

      January 10, 2019 at 10:32 am

      I hope the tips work on your two kids 🙂

      Reply
  4. Violy says

    January 10, 2019 at 8:16 am

    Thanks for the information..will help also to my gal..

    Reply
    • Daniel Wong says

      January 10, 2019 at 10:33 am

      You’re very welcome!

      Reply
  5. Anshuman Saha says

    January 10, 2019 at 9:18 am

    Very well written Daniel.

    We as parents need to start off by realising that the world our children are born into is very different from the one that we came into!

    That realisation can start off a very interesting journey as we move ahead and I believe things will fall into place as we move ahead.

    I have a 13 year daughter who is so amazingly matured that I need to think what I say to her. Otherwise out pops a question I find very difficult to answer 😊

    Reply
    • Daniel Wong says

      January 10, 2019 at 10:33 am

      Thank you for sharing 🙂

      Reply
  6. Kelvin says

    January 10, 2019 at 1:58 pm

    Wow! Truly actionable and Refreshing perspective! Thanks for your time.

    Reply
    • Daniel Wong says

      January 10, 2019 at 2:00 pm

      You are welcome.

      Reply
  7. Nutan Mangwani says

    January 10, 2019 at 7:19 pm

    I always look forward to your articles. So true and useful.

    Reply
    • Daniel Wong says

      January 10, 2019 at 9:14 pm

      Thank you.

      Reply
  8. Tan Chong Soo says

    January 10, 2019 at 8:25 pm

    How true! Love it.

    Reply
    • Daniel Wong says

      January 10, 2019 at 9:12 pm

      Thanks!

      Reply
  9. Hala says

    January 10, 2019 at 10:08 pm

    I loved your Article Daniel , maybe
    It s time to realize that this generation is so much different and try to act differently

    Reply
    • Daniel Wong says

      January 10, 2019 at 10:30 pm

      Yes, I agree with you.

      Reply
  10. Jane says

    January 14, 2019 at 10:01 am

    Is this too late to work with an unmotivated 20 year old who dropped out of college?
    He is smart and will survive if he moves out and supports himself.

    Reply
    • Daniel Wong says

      January 14, 2019 at 10:10 am

      It’s definitely not too late, Jane. If you’d like to find out more, feel free to send an email to: Support@Daniel-Wong.com

      Reply
  11. Aristotle Ochoa says

    January 16, 2019 at 6:42 am

    You are a blessing Daniel by sharing your insights to other parents in the world. I appreciate all of the knowledge that you share with us. Thank you very much!

    Reply
  12. Nakul Grover says

    January 24, 2019 at 7:04 pm

    Too much agree with each and every post mentioned… And it’s very true that studying doesn’t help us to feel that our lives are significant. I’m surely going to make my mom read this post. 😛 😛 😛
    Anyway, thanks for the tips… 🙂 🙂
    God bless

    Reply
    • Daniel Wong says

      January 25, 2019 at 1:43 pm

      Thank you, and God bless you too.

      Reply
  13. Harish Alwala says

    March 6, 2019 at 7:52 pm

    Great article Daniel.

    I always have similar thoughts to present to my kids. But did not knew, how to infuse them the same.

    I will work with your tips. Lets see how it goes. :o)

    Reply
  14. Reham says

    April 7, 2019 at 7:16 pm

    Your article was very interesting especially giving practical tips to apply … What’s really hard is our ability to change our inherited way of thinking as parents to cope with the timing of our teenagers … Sometimes we know the right but our responsibility fears towards our kids make us out of control … Thank you u for your article … Will follow all your posts

    Reply
  15. Jaspreet Kaur says

    September 15, 2019 at 3:30 pm

    Very nice article .Has given a new approach .I will try to follow the advice

    Reply
  16. Cindy says

    December 23, 2019 at 8:14 am

    I want to ask some further questions if that’s ok.

    I don’t like to compare my kids with his peers, I want to praise and give credits for them to be a better self than before, rather than be better than others.

    However, secondary schools, and universities don’t share this belief. They hold the best education resource yet only gives the tickets to the students who succeed in exams.

    I agree that nowadays one can learn not only from school, however, a good degree can only be given by such universities. For example, however you educated yourself with online resources, you can not give yourself a degree on surgeon and get a job at a hospital.

    That university degree is the ticket for a job most of the cases. The companies do not give you time to prove yourself as good as or even better than the graduates from a good university..

    Yes the world is changing, but is it changing quickly enough for the kids to find a good job without a golden ticket?

    How much I wish education is just for education? Nowadays it’s function is more on the selection side rather than the education side. Only those who at the top have the right to share the best resource, and the majority who don’t make it, share the resource whatever leftest by the top ones.

    How sad. Yet what can I do about it. I want to cry, but I have no power in my hand to change the rules of this world.

    Reply
  17. Lougy says

    March 14, 2020 at 10:07 pm

    I love my parents but they are too hard on me all they want me to do in life is study even if u finished the tell me no and always look for anything to make me study and I’m tired I feel like I want to run away or something I’m 14

    Reply
  18. Varun says

    April 22, 2020 at 12:26 am

    Hey Daniel Wong… you are right i am a father of my daughter now i have realized that i had too pressurize for study but now i’ll support her for every situation.

    Reply
  19. anonymous says

    July 29, 2020 at 7:26 pm

    hi my asian parents are forcing me to study strictly and they will not stop. I hope they could read this but they will either make me study or make fun of me. What should I do?

    Reply
  20. Somebody says

    October 1, 2020 at 10:37 am

    Hi, I’m a first-year university student who’s thinking of dropping out of education altogether and living like the 14 y.o. you mentioned in the article, but I can’t drop out, so I can only stay there and try my best, or if I really drop out I’ll definitely fail. It’s very true that us kids, teens and young adults nowadays have more than enough. Why work so hard in school and university if things are already comfortable at home and all? I’d LOVE to be like that 14 y.o. who’s a NEET, just staying at home with her smartphone and internet connection and air conditioning everyday, but if I say that to my parents they’d refuse. Me and my family are also Asian.

    Reply
  21. Somebody says

    October 1, 2020 at 10:41 am

    I also play lots of games and also quite active in platforms like Discord. This article speaks the truth, I’m grateful to have found this article! But I’m still unmotivated to study…

    Reply
  22. Selvi says

    October 12, 2020 at 10:26 pm

    Hi Mr. Daniel, first all all, hats off to your idea in doing such a productive research! Your thoughts, research and findings are very helpful to the parents out there who are struggling to identify the problems that most children facing nowadays. I personally feel blessed to have found your blog and I have shared this with my fellow friends as well. Looking forward to more of your articles. ^^

    Reply
  23. Melanie Jones says

    November 12, 2020 at 6:48 am

    Hi, I have a year 10 daughter who is going well in her grades As and Bs she has exams coming up and she said she needs a day off to study for them for next week, why I don’t understand. What do you think?

    Reply
  24. Remi d'Souza says

    December 1, 2020 at 12:01 pm

    Thanks so much for sharing these insights Daniel! These are particularly interesting and helpful in my trying to understand my teen.

    Reply
  25. Susannah NJERI says

    February 11, 2021 at 5:07 am

    Ooh Susannah from Kenya here!! Thank you so very much Daniel! This article is just what we needed. We’re already planning for this new approach to our son who is struggling in high school. I am glad and I thank God for the wisdom you are sharing with many parents. Will be on the look out on your article

    Reply
  26. K says

    March 19, 2021 at 12:07 am

    This is gold. Thank you.

    Reply
  27. Dr Mini malhotra says

    March 31, 2021 at 4:45 pm

    Very well researched and written! Helped me to focus on more important goals in life.

    Reply
  28. Asuna says

    May 22, 2021 at 5:20 pm

    Hey , you wrote it so nicely. It was very useful and calming actually at the time of reading this I was angry with my father he is literally forcing me to do a work which I know is very rewarding in long term but I don’t feel that feeling yet just like you wrote but since he has seen these hardships he thinks I am capable of understanding what they are and will start preparing for that job. And he always watches youtube related to that job how to apply, how to prepare n all in full volume , calls me from his job to tell me that you should talk to this person because this person is already doing this job so it will be useful for you. And after doing all this he thinks he is not forcing me because he is saying this “for my own good”. Man this is tiring and then I read your article , I guess this is not only me who is going through this.

    Reply
  29. Anu says

    January 15, 2024 at 3:33 pm

    Thanks a lot! My kids are 14 & 11 years old. Will try to follow the tips & see if it helps.

    Reply

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