Parenting is nerve-wracking.

You love your children and want them to grow up to be happy, successful adults.

But some days you’re not sure how to make that happen.

Sometimes you fear that something you’re doing or saying will mess them up permanently.

Here’s the good news: Part of great parenting is avoiding mistakes.

The even better news is that you don’t have to discover these mistakes for yourself.

I’ve worked with thousands of children and teenagers, and they’ve told me the mistakes their parents have made.

Here are 20 unintentional ways parents mess up their children, so start avoiding these behaviours today!

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Mistake #1: Frequently tell them that they’re not living up to their potential

Parents often mean well when they say this. They think it’ll encourage their children to work harder and become more focused.

Unfortunately, it has the opposite effect. It makes children feel like a failure.

It also makes children feel as though their parents only love them when they’re successful or working hard.

A more effective approach is to encourage your children to self-reflect.

After all, how they feel about themselves is more important than how others feel about them.

Mistake #2: Scold them harshly when they make unintentional mistakes

Everyone makes mistakes.

But when your children accidentally spill their juice or drop a plate, it’s important not to overreact.

Doing so can cause them to develop a fear of failure. They may start to think that making mistakes is bad.

But in truth, making mistakes is the way we learn.

So when your children make a mistake, stay calm and say something like, “It was an accident. Let’s clean it up.”

Mistake #3: Continually point out their flaws

Some parents continually point out the flaws in their children.

They say they’re too messy, they’re irresponsible, or they don’t work hard enough.

Constant criticism results in a serious reduction in self-esteem. The children may start to believe that they’re not good enough, and will never measure up to expectations.

To motivate your children, try a little inspiration instead.

Tell them what they’ve done well. When you notice their efforts in a specific area, they’ll feel good about themselves.

As such, they’ll be more likely to repeat that behaviour in the future.

Mistake #4: Overemphasise the importance of academics

Academic performance is important, but it’s not the only thing that matters.

Constantly asking, “Have you finished your homework?” is perceived as nagging. It won’t result in better grades, and your relationship with your children will suffer.

Instead, focus on strengthening your relationship, and on helping your children to develop a healthy self-esteem.

You want your children to become independent, confident, and resilient adults. So foster their confidence and they’ll be able to lead meaningful and successful lives.

Mistake #5: Praise them too much

Praise is important, but it’s a tricky thing.

Too much praise can give children a distorted sense of self. Your children may start to feel like they’re entitled to many things in life since they’re so “special”.

General praise isn’t helpful either. Saying things like “Good job” or “Well done” is too broad.

In order for praise to be effective it needs to be specific, so your children know exactly what they’ve done well. That way they can repeat the action in the future.

Try saying things like, “Thanks for taking the clothes out of the washing machine. That really helped me.” Or “You worked really hard on that paper. You should be proud of yourself.”

Mistake #6: Neglect your spouse and marriage

You might not realise it, but your marriage is critical to your children’s upbringing.

Children need to feel safe and secure. One of the best ways you can make them feel that way is to have a loving, supportive relationship with your spouse.

If you neglect your spouse and marriage, your home environment is likely to become tense.

No matter how well you might think you’re hiding it, your children will know. They may even start to avoid being at home.

Mistake #7: Talk as if you always know better than them

No one likes to have someone talk down to them, or to have someone treat them as though they know better.

And let’s face it, your children probably know more about the latest apps, technology, and pop culture than you do.

They have their own experience and perspective, and they deserve to be treated with respect.

If you take a humbler approach, and are willing to learn from them, you’ll find that your relationship will become much stronger.

Mistake #8: Don’t show an interest in the things they care about

Sometimes the things our children care about seem insignificant. Like the latest “who doesn’t like who” classroom drama, or the coolest social media app.

These things are insignificant to us, but they’re incredibly important to our children.

When parents don’t show an interest in the things their children care about, they feel dismissed. They may assume that we’re not interested in their lives – even though that’s not true.

They become far less likely to turn to us when they need help.

Mistake #9: Protect them from the consequences of their actions

When children forget their homework or their wallet, it’s tempting to fix the problem for them.

Doing this occasionally is fine, but doing this too often can cause significant problems. Children need to learn to deal with the consequences of their actions and learn from their mistakes.

As adults, no one protects us or bails us out. We’re forced to take full responsibility for our actions.

Children learn to take responsibility when we allow them to accept the consequences of their actions. Protecting them can rob them of this valuable experience.

Mistake #10: Don’t have regular family meals

Eating together even a few times a week can reap big rewards.

In fact, eating regular family meals can improve academic performance, self-esteem, and resilience.

Regular meals together can also lower the risk of:

• Substance abuse
• Teen pregnancy
• Depression
• Eating disorders
• Obesity

If you want your children to reap these physical, mental, and emotional benefits, aim to have a family meal at least three or four times a week.

Mistake #11: Talk negatively about your spouse in front of them

Try not to talk negatively about your spouse in front of your children, as this is both unsettling and worrying for them.

While you don’t have to agree on everything, your children need to know that you and your spouse are a strong, united couple. They need to believe you have a committed, loving relationship.

If not, they may start to play one parent off against the other.

Mistake #12: Try to fulfill your unfulfilled dreams through them

Your children are not an opportunity to fulfill your unfulfilled dreams.

They’re individuals, not extensions of you. They may have many of your traits, but that doesn’t mean they have to follow your dreams.

They need to follow their own dreams and live their own life. As parents, it’s our role to support them to fulfill their dreams – not ours.

Mistake #13: Intentionally shame them

Some people think it’s appropriate to use shame as a form of punishment. They may embarrass their children in public when they’ve done the wrong thing.

This isn’t an effective way to teach children to behave, and it leads to emotional scarring. It’s also likely to result in the children repeating this behaviour.

Intentionally shaming your children is hurtful, so explore alternative methods of disciplining them.

Mistake #14: Don’t set boundaries for them

Do you ever feel like your children argue with you about everything? It’s as though everything you say needs to be disputed.

You ask them to tidy up some of their things and they say, “I’m busy. I’ll do it later.”

You ask them to do their homework and they say, “I have the whole weekend to do it. Why do I have to do it now?”

No matter what you do, they still want more freedom and independence.

But boundaries are important. You can rethink some rules as they get older, but stick to the important ones.

Despite the way it may seem, your children need these limits!

Mistake #15: Refuse to apologise when you’ve made a mistake

One of the biggest things that anyone can do is to apologise for making a mistake. It takes courage, but it shows you care and that you know – and do – the right thing.

Even if you’ve had a disagreement and your child said things that were disrespectful, you probably had a part to play too. After all, it takes two hands to clap.

Apologising for the things you said or did sends your child a powerful message. It shows that you’re prepared to do the right thing.

It also strengthens your relationship and heals the pain caused by the argument.

Mistake #16: Treat each of your children equally, instead of focusing on how unique each child is to you

How many times have you heard something like, “It’s not fair – she has more juice than I do!” Or maybe, “He has more pancakes than me!”

If you have more than one child, it’s tempting to make everything equal. The problem is that this doesn’t make them feel as though they’re equal.

Instead, give each child what he or she needs.

When they complain they didn’t get the same amount of juice, you can tell them they’ll get more if they need more.

Focus on their individuality and show them that they’re special and unique to you. Let them know that there’s no one else like them in the whole world.

Mistake #17: Don’t involve them in the process of setting rules and boundaries

As your child gets older and more independent, it’s reasonable to involve them in setting rules and boundaries.

This doesn’t mean you have to let them get their own way. It means that you don’t just lay down the law or announce the rules without any discussion.

Instead, involve them in the process as much as possible.

Involving them in the decision-making process lets them know they have a voice, and their needs have been heard.

It helps them to weigh the pros and cons of the situation, and gives them real life examples of how people negotiate.

Mistake #18: Speak too much and listen too little

One of the biggest mistakes parents make is to lecture, give advice, or criticise, instead of listening and understanding.

Many parents think they’re listening to their children, but their children disagree. The key is not just to listen, but to help them feel heard.

Why?

Because your children won’t change their behaviour unless they first feel understood. So you need to respect their views and opinions, and show them that you’re listening.

Mistake #19: Ignore or downplay their feelings

Sometimes parents say things to their children like, “There’s no need to feel sad” or “There’s no reason to cry.”

This makes the children think that their feelings aren’t valid. It also encourages them to suppress their feelings.

This isn’t healthy.

It’s important to acknowledge feelings, and to teach your children that all feelings are acceptable – but that not all actions are.

Mistake #20: Focus too much on rules while neglecting the relationship

Rules and boundaries are certainly important, but relationships matter more.

You might have a rule that lights-out is at 8.30 pm, but one night your child is still reading at 8:40 pm.

The rule is important, but is it worth damaging the connection you have with your child?

Don’t throw out the rule book, but do maintain a balance. Foster a strong parent-child relationship, and your children will grow up to be happier and more successful.

Conclusion

If you’ve made some of these mistakes, don’t feel too discouraged.

After all, great parents are always learning, growing, and improving.

Make a note of the errors you’ve been committing, and make a firm decision to change your behaviour.

It’s never too late to change, and it’s never too late to strengthen your relationship with your children.

All you have to do is take action – there’s no better time like the present!

(If you haven’t already done so, make sure to download your free e-book below.)

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Do you want to have a better relationship with your children?

If so, one of the best things you can do is to avoid annoying them.

Why?

Because if your children are annoyed with you, it’s hard to have a strong parent-child relationship.

And without a strong parent-child relationship, it’s hard to raise happy, responsible and successful children.

I’ve worked with pre-teens and teens for many years. They’ve told me about the many things their parents unknowingly do that irritate them.

Here’s a list of 15 of those things you should stop doing right away.

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Annoying behavior #1: Continually point out your children’s flaws.

It’s easy to point out your children’s flaws:

• “You watch too much TV.”
• “Why are you so lazy?”
• “You need to stop procrastinating.”
• “You should study more.”
• “Why don’t you try to be more organized?”
• “You should pay more attention in class.”
• “You should choose your friends more wisely.”

Criticism must be combined with an acknowledgement of good behavior.

You don’t need to go over the top with your praise, but it helps to catch your child doing and being good.

Annoying behavior #2: Treat your children as problems, not people.

Make an effort to speak positively to your children.

Some studies even show that the ideal ratio of positive comments to negative comments is 6:1.

If you talk to your children as if they’re problems you’re trying to fix, they’ll become resentful.

Listen to your children respectfully, demonstrate an interest in their hobbies, and show them common courtesies.

By doing so, you’ll build a better relationship with them.

Annoying behavior #3: Ask your children every day, “Have you completed your homework?”

Yes, it’s important that your children finish their homework on time.

But it’s also important that your children understand that homework isn’t the only thing you care about.

Continually asking “Have you completed your homework?” comes across as nagging.

Rather than nag, establish boundaries to make sure that you and your children are on the same page.

For example, you and your children may decide that as long as they maintain a B average and you don’t receive any complaints from their teachers, you won’t nag them about homework.

This approach allows your children more freedom, with less stress and frustration for both you and them.

Annoying behavior #4: Make your children feel as if they’re never working hard enough.

Your children may feel this way if you frequently comment about their lack of discipline, poor study habits, and inability to manage their time.

While you may be speaking the truth, your children may start to believe that they’ll never be able to measure up to your expectations.

As such, they may stop trying altogether.

You can prevent this by taking the time to understand your children’s feelings, and to focus on the things they’re doing well.

Annoying behavior #5: Give long lectures.

In your mind, giving long lectures may be the best way to get your point across.

But in your children’s minds, this is one of the most annoying things you can do.

Soon enough, your children will zone out, stop listening, and say whatever you want to hear in an attempt to end the lecture.

The better solution is to opt for a two-way conversation.

Encourage your children to share their perspective on the situation, and brainstorm possible solutions together with them.

Annoying behavior #6: Micromanage your children.

Do you manage your children’s schedule, from what they do each day to what they eat to what time they go to bed?

In general, children aged seven and older are capable of managing their schoolwork and other important tasks with minimal adult supervision.

They’ll need some coaching to accomplish this, but remember that the long-term goal of parenting is to “prepare the child for the path, not the path for the child.”

Annoying behavior #7: Break your promises.

You can’t just “talk the talk.” You also need to “walk the walk.”

If you break your promises, your children won’t trust you. This holds true for both big and small promises.

Children remember when a parent breaks a promise, even if it’s as simple as not taking them to a movie when you said you would.

Trust is the foundation of every relationship. So whenever you make a promise, follow through on it.

Annoying behavior #8: End a conversation with the phrase “because I said so.”

Think back to when you were a child.

“Because I said so” is the last thing you wanted to hear coming out from your parents’ mouths, right?

As frustrated as you might be with your children, don’t let this phrase slip out.

If you’re on the verge of losing your cool, take a step back and gather your thoughts.

Restart the conversation later in the day when you and your children have calmed down.

Annoying behavior #9: Continually accuse your children of arguing.

Do you often tell your children to “stop arguing” or to “stop talking back”?

I know . . . from your perspective, your children really are arguing and talking back.

But from their perspective, they’re just speaking their mind. They don’t mean to be rude.

Of course, this doesn’t mean you should tolerate behavior that’s blatantly disrespectful. But it does mean that you must model for your children what it means to be respectful.

Annoying behavior #10: Refuse to apologize, even when it’s clear that you’re in the wrong.

We all make mistakes. But as long as you admit it when you’re wrong, your children will forgive you.

Refusing to apologize to your children is the quickest way to create feelings of resentment and anger.

So if you’ve messed up, swallow your pride and apologize to your children.

If you can’t bring yourself to do so in person, send a text message or write a card instead.

This may not sound like a big deal, but an apology – even one that occurs many years after the fact – can help to restore the relationship.

Annoying behavior #11: Talk as if you know it all.

You probably have more perspective on life than your children, but you must remember that times have changed.

Growing up today isn’t the same as it was when you were a child or teenager.

For instance, it’s likely that your children know more about social media and digital technology than you. This means that, in some ways, they have a better understanding of how the world works.

So don’t act like you know it all. Instead, show your children that you’re willing to learn from them too.

Annoying behavior #12: Tell your children what things were like “when I was your age.”

When you talk as if you know exactly how your children feel, they’ll tune you out before you ever have a chance to make your point.

The pressures your children face today are different than what you dealt with growing up.

The world is more competitive today. There are more distractions to overcome. Technology is ubiquitous.

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with sharing stories from your past. Just don’t act like you know everything.

Listen more, speak less, and be open to your children’s views and opinions.

Do these things and you’ll keep the lines of communication between you and your children open.

Annoying behavior #13: Invade your children’s privacy.

An immediate way to destroy trust in your parent-child relationship is to invade your child’s privacy.

You should never go through your children’s personal belongings unless you suspect that they’re in grave danger.

Yes, you have the right to know where they are, who they’re with, and what time they’re expected to come home.

But as your children get older, it’s only natural that they’ll expect to have more freedom and independence.

Annoying behavior #14: Jump to conclusions.

As a parent, it’s easy to let past events influence your perception of future events.

But you must resist the urge to jump to conclusions.

For example, if your child gets a bad grade on a test, your first inclination may be to say, “You didn’t study for the test, did you?”

By jumping to conclusions, you’ll make the situation worse by putting your children on the defensive.

And when your children become defensive, it’ll be challenging to resolve the situation.

Even worse than jumping to conclusions is assuming that your child is lying – before you even gather all the facts. This can lead to future mistrust as well as permanent damage to the parent-child relationship.

Annoying behavior #15: Overreact.

Every parent wants the best for their children, which explains why many parents become anxious when things appear to take a turn for the worse.

Maybe your child’s math grade slips by 10%. Within a few days, you’ve hired a math tutor, started monitoring your child’s every move, and canceled all of your child’s extracurricular activities.

Although it might not seem like it to you, your child will definitely see this as an overreaction.

So before you respond to the situation, find out the reasons for the problem.

Think of potential solutions together with your child and – as far as possible – arrive at a mutually agreeable conclusion.

Conclusion

If you feel like you’re always committing parenting mistakes, don’t be discouraged.

By making a few specific changes, you’ll see a drastic improvement in your children’s development.

I encourage you to review this article periodically and develop an ongoing action plan to strengthen your parent-child relationship.

Yes, you’ll need to put in some effort.

But as Harold Lee once said, “The most important work you and I will ever do will be within the walls of our own homes.”

The time to get to work is now!

(If you haven’t already done so, make sure to download your free e-book below.)

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16 Keys to Motivating Your Teenager.

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Do you want your teenager to become a mature, responsible adult?

I’m sure you do, but there will definitely be roadblocks along the way.

Teenagers are going through many changes, so you’ll need to adjust your parenting style too. Parenthood is a hard job that gets even harder when your child reaches the teenage years.

I know this for a fact, because I’ve spoken to and worked with more than 20,000 teenagers.

Through my work, I’ve come to realize that no two teenagers are the same.

That may be stating the obvious. But, at the same time, there are proven tips that every parent can use to raise a happy, successful, and well-adjusted teenager.

Here are 20 powerful tips I recommend that every parent follow.

(Don’t forget to download your free e-book below.)

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16 Keys to Motivating Your Teenager.

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1. Pick your battles.

Things like hairstyle and choice of clothes don’t matter much in the long run.

So focus on the things that do matter: responsibilities, values, and character.

It’s better to pick your battles than to turn every disagreement into a shouting match.

2. Decide on rules and boundaries in advance.

I’ve worked with many teenagers who feel that they live under the thumb of their parents.

Teenagers who help to create rules and boundaries are more likely to follow them.

So, whenever possible, involve your teenager in the process of creating rules and setting boundaries. Put these rules down in writing, along with any consequences in the case that your teenager breaks the rules.

3. Address one issue at a time.

It’s important to focus when you’re trying to be productive. The same principle holds true when parenting your teenager.

Teenagers often exhibit more than one problematic behavior at a time.

Address each issue separately, because if you try to tackle all the issues at once, you won’t get anywhere.

4. Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements.

This is a subtle change that can have a major impact on your parent-child relationship.

Here’s an example: Saying “I feel disrespected when you speak to me like that” is far better than saying “You are so rude.”

“I” statements are less accusatory than “you” statements, so your teenager will likely respond better to the former rather than the latter.

5. Help them reflect on their choices.

As far as possible, don’t nag or criticize your teenager. Instead, calmly discuss what he could do differently in the future and other options he could have considered.

When your teenager disobeys you, you might be tempted to say something like, “How dare you?! I told you that you weren’t allowed to do that.”

But this parenting approach won’t work in the long term.

By helping your teenager to reflect on his choices, he’ll grow and mature more quickly.

6. Keep the lines of communication open.

Teenagers must know that they can come to you with their problems, without you jumping to conclusions or overreacting.

If they don’t have this assurance, they won’t share their problems with you.

Here are some ways to keep the lines of communication open:

• Listen more
• Speak less
• Don’t lecture
• If you do lecture, be brief
• Ask for your teenager’s opinion
• Don’t interrupt your teenager
• Show basic courtesies to your teenager

7. Don’t lecture or discipline them when you’re angry.

When you’re calm, it’s easier to converse in a civilized manner and to negotiate effectively with your teenager.

It can be difficult to take a step back in the heat of the moment, but as you do so consistently, you’ll find that your relationship with your teenager will improve.

8. Explain your values without preaching.

Your values probably aren’t the same as your teenager’s. But this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t share what you believe.

Rather than preach to your teenager, tell stories from your own life and from the lives of inspiring people you know.

It’s more likely that you’ll get through to your teenager this way, because preaching and lecturing come across as condescending.

9. Respect their opinions and feelings.

Your teenager has her own opinions and feelings. You don’t have to agree with them, but you must respect them.

For example, your teenager might declare that extracurricular activities are a waste of time. Instead of telling her why she’s wrong, ask questions to understand her point of view.

You might just realize that she’s thought about certain perspectives that you haven’t.

10. Educate yourself on teen development.

Parents who educate themselves on teen development usually have a better relationship with their children.

As with anything worth doing, becoming a world-class parent takes effort. I encourage you to read books (like these), attend seminars, and take courses.

The more you learn, the more you’ll be amazed at how much you didn’t know before!

11. Respect their privacy.

Unless you suspect that your teenager is in physical danger, resist the urge to snoop around.

You have a right to know where she is, whom she’s hanging out with, and what time she’s expected to be home.

But, in general, you don’t have the right to read her text messages or her journal, or to go through her personal belongings.

By showing your teenager respect, she’ll learn to show you respect too.

12. Give them responsibilities.

Without responsibilities, your teenager will never learn to be responsible.

For example, teenagers today are busy, but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t help out around the house. If you think your teenager’s time is too important for him to perform chores, it’s only a matter of time before he concludes that he is too important to perform chores.

Having this mindset is what leads to an unhealthy sense of entitlement in the future.

13. Apologize when you’ve made a mistake.

No parent is perfect, so don’t be too proud to admit it when you’ve made a mistake.

By modeling humility for your teenager, she’ll be more likely to follow your example.

What’s more, her respect for you will grow, and you’ll develop a stronger relationship with her in the process.

14. Don’t bail them out.

When your teenager makes a mistake, he must learn to take full responsibility for his actions.

If he habitually oversleeps, don’t drive him to school each time.

If he forgets to bring his homework to school time and time again, don’t bring it to school for him.

If he breaks the school rules repeatedly, don’t intervene to prevent him from getting punished.

It’s important to show your teenager grace, but not at the expense of helping him to understand that choices lead to consequences.

15. Whenever possible, give them choices.

Nobody likes to feel as though they’re being forced into doing something, especially teenagers.

Teenagers crave a sense of autonomy and control. So, whenever possible, give them a choice, e.g., when they’d prefer to do their homework, what food they’d like to eat, what they’d like to do as a family.

(Of course, I’m not suggesting that you bend over backwards to satisfy any ridiculous requests!)

16. Acknowledge their good behavior.

Rather than point out your teenager’s flaws, make an intentional effort to acknowledge her good behavior.

After all, teenagers can’t be nagged into changing their behavior.

The more effective approach is to make a remark like “I notice that you were focused today while doing your homework” or “Thank you for putting your dirty clothes in the laundry basket.”

In the long run, the behavior you focus on – whether good or bad – will multiply. So you might as well pay more attention to your teenager’s good behavior.

17. Choose the right time to talk about challenging issues.

Pick the right time to talk about serious issues related to grades, alcohol, sex, etc.

Schedule a time with your teenager in advance so that he doesn’t get caught off guard. And do your best to catch him at a time when he isn’t tired or cranky.

This will give you the best chance of having a productive conversation about the issue at hand.

18. Be vulnerable.

Dare to open up to your teenager. Share with her the mistakes you’ve made and the setbacks you’ve experienced. Explain to her what you’ve learned through the process of overcoming those challenges.

Opening up to your teenager shows your personal side. It will also make her feel more comfortable about sharing her struggles with you.

19. Show an interest in the things they care about.

You probably don’t share many of the same interests as your teenager. So make an effort to find out about his hobbies.

What type of music does he like?

Which shows does he follow?

Which YouTube channels is he subscribed to?

By showing an interest in the things your teenager cares about, you’ll build a stronger connection with him.

20. Have regular family meals.

Many studies have shown that having regular family meals is beneficial for the development of children and teenagers.

Eating together as a family has been linked to:

• Lower incidence of substance abuse
• Lower incidence of depression
• Lower incidence of eating disorders
• Improved academic performance
• Higher self-esteem

It may not be possible to eat together every night, but try to do so at least three or four times a week.

Conclusion

I know what you’re thinking . . . This is a lot of advice to soak in.

At this point, you may feel overwhelmed. You may even feel like you’ll never be the perfect parent to your teenager.

But remember, it’s about progress, not perfection.

I encourage you to revisit this article often. When doing so, ask yourself these questions:

• How many of these tips have I implemented?
• Which tips have worked?
• Which tips haven’t worked?
• What can I do differently in the coming week or month?

As you identify what’s working and what isn’t, you’ll find yourself growing into a parent who knows how to bring out the best in your teenager.

Parenting teenagers is hard work, but I know you have what it takes to do a great job!

(If you haven’t already done so, make sure to download your free e-book below.)

FREE E-BOOK:

Get your FREE copy of

16 Keys to Motivating Your Teenager.

The e-book has already been downloaded by many thousands of parents, so don't miss out!

Do you want to be a great parent?

Do you want to bring up motivated, responsible, and successful children?

I’m sure you do.

But the journey isn’t always easy. Parenthood is one of the hardest jobs in the world, and it’s filled with challenges and frustrations.

As a parent, there will be times when you feel confused, helpless even.

But that doesn’t mean you’re alone. The truth is, you can rely on the experience of countless parents who have gone before you. You can follow specific, time-tested practices of effective parenting.

Through working with thousands of children and teenagers – and their parents too – I’ve come to realize that parenting is both an art and a science.

Being a great parent calls for flexibility and creativity. At the same time, there are also certain principles that all successful parents follow.

(I’m trying hard to follow these principles too, and I definitely have room for improvement!)

Based on my observations, I’ve put together this list of 57 things great parents do to bring out the best in their children.

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1. They “catch” their children being good. They make a conscious effort to acknowledge their children’s good behavior, because they know that kids respond well to positive feedback.

2. They teach their children that the universe doesn’t revolve around them. I’ve worked with many children and teenagers who think that their wants, needs, and problems are the only things that matter. They’ve developed this self-centered attitude because their parents have made them the center of the universe. It’s better to give your kids a sense of perspective about their place in the grand scheme of things.

3. They teach their children to dream big and dare to fail. They give their children the freedom to fail, because they understand the truth of the saying, “If failure isn’t an option, then neither is real success.”

4. They don’t do things for their children that their children can do for themselves. For example, a teenager can schedule his or her own dentist’s appointment. Allowing children to take responsibility for their lives helps them to grow and mature.

5. They build a strong marriage with their spouse. Children want to know that their parents love each other, because this gives them a sense of security. Without this, it’s hard for children to develop to their full potential.

6. They allow natural consequences to run their course. As long as doing so doesn’t put their children’s lives in danger, this is the most effective way to make children learn from their mistakes.

7. They create family traditions and rituals. I know families who go camping once a year, have a celebration on the first day of every school year, and have a family cheer. These kinds of traditions and rituals build family pride, which increases the likelihood that the children will grow up to be well-adjusted.

8. They teach their children that all feelings are okay, but not all actions are. For example, children must understand that it’s okay to feel angry, but that it’s not okay to lash out in violence.

9. They treat everyone with respect. This way, their children learn that everyone is worthy of respect, no matter how “important” or “unimportant” society deems them to be.

10. They address the issues underlying their children’s problematic behavior. When children and teenagers act up, it’s usually because they have a need that isn’t being met: love, acceptance, security, stability, respect, trust, etc. Great parents seek to identify this unmet need so they can get to the root of the problem.

11. They’re curious about the world around them. This helps to cultivate joyful curiosity in their children, too, which makes it more likely that they’ll grow up to be lifelong learners.

12. They keep their promises. By doing so, their children understand the importance of integrity and commitment.

13. They express their requests “positively.” For example, great parents don’t say, “No TV!” Instead they say, “When you finish your homework, you can watch TV.” This positive approach is far more effective in getting through to children and teenagers.

14. They show an interest in their children’s hobbies and passions. Great parents make the effort to learn about the games, celebrities, music, and other things that their children like. This helps to build a strong parent-child relationship.

15. They show affection toward their children. They do this in the form of both physical touch and encouraging words.

16. They manage their own anxiety. Anxious parents produce anxious children. Great parents consciously manage their negative emotions so as not to affect their children adversely.

17. They don’t take a “one size fits all” approach toward parenting. Every child is different, which means that a different parenting style is needed for each child.

18. They teach their children positive thinking skills. As the saying goes, “Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.” Children can only react to difficult situations wisely when they’re equipped with positive thinking skills and a positive attitude.

19. They’re encouraging and supportive toward their children. Life is full of challenges and disappointment. Children need their parents’ encouragement in order to build confidence, especially when they’re young.

20. They remind their children that their love is unconditional. These reminders are frequent to ensure that their children know they’re fully loved, regardless of how they behave. (At the same time, great parents don’t ignore or condone bad behavior.)

21. They develop a mission statement for their family. They involve their children in this process too, to ensure that the whole family is working toward the same vision and goals. Here’s a detailed article to guide you through the process of creating a family mission statement.

22. They practice what they preach. For example, they want their children to love learning, so they demonstrate that they’re learning new things every day too. They want their children to be kind and respectful, so they show kindness and respect to everyone they meet.

23. They’re patient with their children. They take time to explain things; they listen to their children’s stories; they remain calm when their children frustrate them. As a parent myself, I know this is easier said than done. But I’ve observed that great parents do it consistently!

24. They make family time a priority. They don’t overschedule their children’s lives with enrichment classes and music lessons. Instead, they make it clear that spending time together as a family is a higher priority than these activities.

25. They spend one-on-one time with each of their children. They do this on a regular basis, because it’s a powerful way to build the parent-child bond.

26. They model for their children what it means to lead a balanced life. They don’t succumb to addictions or distractions. In addition, they teach their children how to take care of their physical, emotional, and mental health.

27. When they make a mistake, they apologize. They model humility for their children. What’s more, they aren’t afraid to ask their children for feedback on their parenting style, because this helps them to continually improve as parents.

28. They don’t blame others when things go wrong. They take full responsibility for their actions, and don’t play the victim. This helps their children to grasp the importance of taking ownership of their lives.

29. They don’t try to fulfill their unfulfilled dreams through their children. They allow their children to run their own race, instead of the race they think their children ought to run.

30. They give their children responsibilities. Many children and teenagers today are so busy with their academics and extra-curricular activities that their parents have reduced (or eliminated) their household responsibilities. In the long run, this can cause them to become entitled. Great parents don’t make this mistake.

31. They set clear, reasonable boundaries for their children. They’re consistent in enforcing these boundaries. This provides their children with structure and security as they grow up.

32. They establish family routines. This applies to family meals, homework time, chores, and so on. This helps to build family cohesion.

33. They forgive themselves when they make a mistake. They know that parenting is a learning process, so they don’t beat themselves up when they falter. Instead, they make amends and seek external help if necessary.

34. They forgive others (including their children) easily. They build families in which forgiveness is freely given and freely received. This is the foundation of a united family.

35. They find ways to manage stress. We live in a competitive world. Understandably, parents face a lot of stress at work and at home. Great parents use various techniques to manage this stress, because they know that if they don’t, they’ll be short-tempered and unreasonable – not a good combination if you want to be a world-class parent!

36. They make time to have fun as a family. Not only does this create lasting family memories, it also helps their children to see that time with family can be enjoyable.

37. They discipline their children instead of punishing them. What’s the difference between discipline and punishment? Discipline uses logical consequences to help children learn from their mistakes, and is carried out calmly. On the other hand, punishment is often meted out in anger, and is a means to make children “suffer” for their bad behavior.

38. They really listen to their children. When their children talk to them, they put aside their newspapers and electronic devices. They listen without interrupting, judging, or criticizing. As a result, their children feel valued, and are more likely to communicate openly.

39. They don’t shame or belittle their children. Great parents don’t say hurtful things that would damage their children’s self-esteem. They understand the power of words, so they refrain from insulting or humiliating their children.

40. They respect their children’s privacy. They don’t spy on their children unless they suspect that their children are in grave danger. By respecting their children’s privacy, they create a culture of respect at home.

41. They allow their children to make mistakes. Experiencing failure and disappointment is essential if you want your children to become resilient. Furthermore, great parents know that progress matters more than perfection.

42. They practice gratitude. They resist the temptation to complain, and instead choose to focus on the things they have to be thankful for. In addition, they teach their children to cultivate the habit of gratitude. Research shows that people who regularly practice gratitude are happier, kinder, and healthier – so this is something all children should learn to do!

43. They encourage their children to experiment and explore. They’re often heard saying to their children, “Go for it!” (Unless the situation is potentially dangerous, of course.) By moving outside their comfort zones, their children develop courage and confidence.

44. They teach their children about money. As their children are growing up, they show them how to save, invest, create a budget, write a check, and spend wisely. These are skills that will prove essential down the road.

45. They take care of their own physical and emotional needs. As a result, they prevent themselves from burning out. This enables them to be better, more engaged parents.

46. They explain the rationale behind the boundaries they set. Parents who don’t do this run the risk of being perceived as authoritarian or dictatorial – and children won’t put up with such a parent for long. By explaining the reasons behind their boundaries, great parents also model for their children what it means to think logically.

47. They teach their children emotional intelligence. They show their children how to understand and label emotions, how to empathize with others, and how to see things from others’ perspectives.

48. They focus on their long-term parenting goals. They remind themselves that the objective of parenting is to raise resilient, well-adjusted children who will be contributing members of society. They don’t get so caught up in trying to force their children to finish their food or complete their homework that they lose sight of these long-term parenting goals.

49. They involve their children in solving problems. When children are part of the problem-solving process, they develop thinking skills. And if the problem is related to the children’s own undesirable behavior, they’re much more likely to commit to changing that behavior.

50. They do small things to make their children feel special. I’m proud to say that my own parents are great parents. They wrote me letters and left me special messages (in fact, they still do this today). This made me feel loved and appreciated.

51. They don’t lecture their children. Children and teenagers don’t respond well to lectures – especially long ones. When great parents communicate with their children, they’re clear, specific, and brief.

52. They do “boring” things with their children. The families I know who have the strongest bonds do plenty of mundane things together, e.g., grocery trips, household chores, home improvement projects. Great parents know that it’s in these “boring” things that family bonds are built.

53. They instill in their children a sense of destiny. What I appreciate most about my parents is that they implanted in me and my siblings a sense of purpose, a desire to make a difference. This has enabled us to stay relatively focused on doing things to serve others and add value to the world.

54. They create an emotionally “safe” home environment. They do this by limiting criticism, nagging, and harsh words. This fosters an environment where every family member feels safe and respected, and where the lines of communication remain open.

55. They emphasize the importance of the process over the outcome. Great parents don’t obsess over achievements and accomplishments. Instead, they focus on helping their children to grow, improve, and develop. Interestingly, their children attain better outcomes as a result of this process-oriented approach.

56. They help their children to find a coach/mentor. Research shows that children who have a mentor in their life have 30% higher levels of life satisfaction. Having worked with thousands of children and teenagers, I’ve observed how much they benefit from the mentoring relationship they have with me.

57. They teach their children that being successful is what matters, not looking successful. Looking successful is about achievement, wealth, and popularity. On the other hand, being successful is about contribution, character, and integrity. Great parents know that being successful is what counts.

Conclusion

I know . . . this is a long article.

So you might be feeling overwhelmed by the number of improvements you want to make as a parent.

But I encourage you to take it one step at a time.

Here’s what I recommend you do:

• Based on this article, list the top three things you’d like to work on.
• List the specific things you plan to do differently.
• Implement this plan for four weeks.
• At the end of those four weeks, review your progress and make adjustments to your plan. Pick another item or two from the list to work on when you feel ready, or keep working on the same ones to reinforce them further.
• Repeat this process for the following four weeks.

As you make headway, you’ll find yourself enjoying parenthood more.

Before you know it, you’ll be a great parent who brings out the best in your children.

The journey won’t be easy, but I know you’re up to the challenge!

(If you haven’t already done so, make sure to download your free e-book below.)

FREE E-BOOK:

Get your FREE copy of

16 Keys to Motivating Your Teenager.

The e-book has already been downloaded by many thousands of parents, so don't miss out!