12 Effective Parenting Skills Every Parent Should Have (Backed by Science)

Updated on January 6, 2026 By Daniel Wong 32 Comments

Do you want to have good parenting skills?

Of course you do.

You want to help your children make the most of their potential, and you want them to be contributing members of society.

But it’s time-consuming to sift through all the parenting tips out there.

What makes it more confusing is that the tips from different “parenting experts” are often contradictory!

I wanted to know what parenting skills and tips have been proven to be effective. So I read through all the scientific articles I could find.

Based on many hours of research, I’ve come up with this list of 12 good parenting skills. (If you’d like to discover another three skills effective parents have, download the free bonus below.)

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Research-backed good parenting skills

To become more effective as a parent, practise the skills that have been proven to get the best results.

These will become the parenting strengths you can then rely on to raise children who develop into confident, successful adults.

Parenting skill #1: Focus more on your children’s positive behaviour than negative behaviour.

Yale University psychology professor Alan Kazdin explains that parents should be intentional about focusing more on their children’s positive behaviour than on their negative behaviour.^[1]

The more parents scold or reprimand, the more the bad behaviour gets repeated.

When they receive a lot of scolding, children start to internalise the belief that “I’m a bad child who misbehaves and gets scolded”.

As such, they don’t feel motivated to correct their behaviour, because it has already become a part of their identity.

Effective parents understand that the better approach is to acknowledge or describe their children’s good behaviour when they see it.

You may have to go out of your way to do this. (You can also check out these 50+ positive things to say to your children.)

Approach this with patience and dedication and you’ll observe your children’s behaviour improving over time.

Parenting skill #2: Teach your children to focus on the needs of others.

Lara Aknin’s research shows that children find happiness through giving to others.^[2]

In fact, children find greater happiness when they give to others sacrificially.

These are interesting findings, because most of us are naturally self-centred. We look out for our own needs before the needs of others.

But the research indicates that if we overcome our selfish nature and focus on the needs of others, we’ll be happier.

If you want your children to lead joyful, fulfilling lives, teach them to serve others and contribute. Involve them in activities where they get to help others and make a positive impact.

When your children think more in terms of contribution and less in terms of achievement, they’ll be on the path of building a happy and successful life.

Parenting skill #3: Don’t shout at your children.

You’ve probably already told yourself that you shouldn’t shout at your children.

But when your children are driving you up the wall, it isn’t easy to stop yourself from yelling.

Ming-Te Wang’s research findings are clear: The more you shout at your children, the more their behaviour will worsen.^[3]

Instead of trying to control your children’s behaviour, understand their perspective and feelings. Then use logical reasoning to get through to them.

To improve your parenting skills and better manage your anger, try these tips:

Make a firm decision that you won’t shout at your children unless it’s a matter of safety
Decide beforehand what you’ll do if you start to become angry
Walk away from the situation if necessary
Take five deep breaths when you become agitated
Avoid using threats
Analyse the role you have to play in the conflict
Think about what unmet needs your child has, so that you can get to the root of the issue, e.g. he might feel as if he has no control over his life, which explains his rebellious or risky behaviour.

Parenting skill #4: Give your children responsibilities around the house.

The Harvard Study of Adult Development is one of the longest longitudinal studies ever done.

One finding of the study is that children who do more chores around the house become happier later on.^[4]

Household responsibilities teach children important life lessons related to duty, cooperation, community and hard work.

People who learn such lessons early in life are more likely to become well-adjusted adults.

Successful parents make household chores a part of the family’s routine and culture. This sets children up for future success.

Parenting skill #5: Build a strong relationship with your spouse.

What does your marriage have to do with your parenting skills?

Children from low-conflict families are happier and more successful in the long run, as compared to children from high-conflict families.^[5]

The research shows that parents who have a healthy marriage are more likely to raise children who are well-adjusted. Furthermore, you’ll set an example for when they start dating in high school.

One of the most important things you can do to benefit your children is to build a strong relationship with your spouse.

I don’t claim to be a marriage expert, but here are some pieces of advice I’ve received that have helped my wife and I to build a strong marriage:

Focus on solving problems instead of assigning blame
Remember that the relationship is more important than being right
Whenever possible, sit side-by-side when you’re at a restaurant or café
Make time to talk every day
Ask “What can I give to the relationship?” more often than you ask “What can I get from the relationship?”
Discuss your future plans together
Don’t pick on your spouse’s flaws
Compliment your spouse in front of other people
Occasionally ask your spouse, “What can I do to be a better husband/wife?”
Don’t compare your marriage with other people’s marriages
Be kind and polite to your spouse

Parenting skill #6: Teach your children to view challenges positively.

Renowned psychologist Carol Dweck has spent decades trying to understand how your mindset affects how successful you become.

She has found that people who view challenges and obstacles positively are far more likely to become successful than those who don’t.^[6]

Successful people look at challenges and think: “It’s going to be hard, but it’s going to be fun. I’m going to learn a lot through the process of overcoming these challenges.”

On the other hand, people who aren’t so successful look at challenges and think: “It’s going to be hard, so I’d rather do something easier. I’ll try to avoid these challenges, but if I really can’t I’ll find a shortcut instead.”

These differing attitudes develop in childhood and adolescence. As such, good parents hone their skill of enabling their children to view challenges positively.

Parenting skill #7: Don’t do things for your children that your children should do themselves.

Parents want their children to be responsible and independent.

But, at the same time, they feel the urge to supervise their children closely and do things for their children that their children ought to do themselves.

This explains the prevalence of helicopter parents.

Larry Nelson’s research shows that helicopter parenting causes children to become less engaged in school, and causes their well-being to suffer too.^[7]

A good parenting skill to develop is how not to be a helicopter parent.

Here are some ways to ensure you don’t become a helicopter parent and instead develop parenting strengths:

Don’t do things for your children that are their own responsibility
Let your children make age-appropriate choices
Let your children deal with the natural consequences of their choices
As far as possible, refrain from saying “You’re too young to…”
Don’t allow your children to become the centre of your universe
Let your children fail
Ask your children, “How do you think you might be able to solve the problem?”

Parenting skill #8: Help your children develop social skills.

Researchers tracked more than 750 children over a period of 13 to 19 years. They found a correlation between the children’s social skills as kindergarteners and how self-confident and successful they were as adults.^[8]

These findings highlight the importance of teaching children social skills.

Here’s a list of social skills that you can help your children develop:

Sharing
Giving feedback
Accepting differences
Respecting others’ rights and property
Identifying others’ feelings
Seeing things from others’ perspective
Making eye contact
Managing negative emotions
Listening
Not interrupting
Resolving conflicts
Disagreeing respectfully
Cooperating
Helping others
Complimenting others
Being polite
Asking for help

In addition, here’s a handy resource that’s filled with activities to teach children social skills.

Parenting skill #9: Guide your children without controlling or micromanaging them.

Psychologist Diana Baumrind has done years of research about the effects of different parenting styles on children.^[9]

She concluded that there are three types of parenting styles in general:

Permissive: The parent is too lenient and gives in to the child’s unreasonable demands too often. The parent doesn’t set consistent boundaries or rules. Children with permissive parents often become “spoiled”.
Authoritarian: The parent is too strict, and is frequently harsh and uncompromising. The parent often coerces or forces the child into doing things. Children with authoritarian parents often become resentful and rebellious in the long run.
Authoritative: The parent is “just right”, showing warmth and affection toward the child without being indulgent. The parent sets boundaries for the child, but is willing to compromise or negotiate if the situation calls for it. All else being equal, children with authoritative parents are the most likely to lead happy, successful lives.

Furthermore, Wendy Grolnick’s research also indicates that children who are raised by controlling parents are less independent and are less likely to develop problem solving skills.^[10]

Of course, it’s easier said than done for parents to adopt an authoritative parenting style all the time. But the research shows that this is the most effective approach to take.

So make an effort to guide and coach your children, without being controlling. This is a parenting skill that’s definitely worth developing!

(You can also look into educational coaching as a means to help your children become more proactive and self-motivated.)

Parenting skill #10: Give your children a sense of security.

Research by Lee Raby indicates that children who have a strong sense of security early on in life go on to perform better in school. These children also go on to have healthier relationships in adulthood.^[11]

This may seem like an obvious finding, but it’s interesting to note that early experiences have such a profound impact on a child’s development.

To build on your parenting strengths and give your children a sense of security, do the following:

Show affection toward them
Appreciate them
Treat them with respect
Acknowledge their feelings
Set consistent boundaries
Give them your full attention when you’re with them
Be approachable
Remind them that you love them unconditionally
Keep your promises
Be dependable and trustworthy

Parenting skill #11: Help your children to develop resilience and perseverance.

Psychologist Angela Duckworth has found that grit – defined as “perseverance and passion for long-term goals” – is one of the most important traits that leads to success.^[12]

When it comes to long-term success, the research indicates that grit is more important than factors like IQ and talent.

How can you master the parenting skills that will help your children develop grit?

Here are some suggestions:

Emphasise progress over perfection
Encourage them to take on manageable challenges
Emphasise effort over outcome
Model for them what it means to be gritty
Show them that you’re continually taking risks and getting outside your comfort zone
Talk about the challenges you face and what you’re doing to overcome them
Focus more on contribution and less on achievement
Let them make mistakes

Parenting skill #12: Manage your own stress effectively.

A fascinating study conducted by Marilyn Essex shows that parents’ stress can affect their children’s genes for many years into the future.^[13]

This highlights how vital it is for parents to manage their own stress effectively.

Stress affects you, but it also affects your children!

I’ve heard it said that stress is a fact of life, but that it should never become a way of life.

Managing stress is a huge topic on its own. So if you’re under a lot of stress, I encourage you to check out this article and this article for practical tips on how parents can manage their stress better.

Improve your parenting skills and watch your children thrive

You’re committed to developing the skills needed to be a good, effective, and even world-class parent.

How do I know this?

You’ve made it to the end of this 2,000-word article. That’s something only committed parents would do. 🙂

As you implement the tips listed in this article, you’ll become a better parent.

(Download the free bonus below to learn three more skills you ought to develop.)

Over time, you’ll observe your children becoming more responsible, resilient and self-motivated.

And you won’t have to nag them anymore either.

Of course, this is a journey that will take time and effort. But it’ll be worth it!

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Want to Be a Better Parent? Ask Your Children 7 Simple Questions

Updated on January 6, 2026 By Daniel Wong Leave a Comment

As a parent, you want to raise children who are responsible and self-motivated.

You want them to do well in school, and you want them to communicate with you openly.

You also want to build a happy family.

But I’m sure you’ve already realised that you won’t achieve these goals easily.

Along the way, your children may have become disobedient, rebellious or disengaged. (This is especially likely if your children are pre-teens or teens.)

Your home environment may have become tense or even hostile.

If any of this sounds familiar to you, don’t worry. This article will help.

I don’t claim to be a parenting expert — I’m still learning how to raise my two young boys well.

But over the years I’ve spoken to and worked with thousands of pre-teens and teens. As such, I understand how to get through to them.

In this article, I’ll share with you seven simple questions to ask your children, which will help you to reach your parenting goals.

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Question #1: “What can I do to be a better parent?”

The simplest way to become a better parent is to ask your children what they think.

When you ask them Question #1, be prepared for an honest answer.

Your children may point out your flaws.

They may bring up incidents where you were unreasonable or inconsistent.

They may highlight ways in which you haven’t been a good role model.

Is this a scary proposition?

Yes.

But the feedback you get will be invaluable in helping you understand which parenting skills you need to develop.

Question #2: “What do you like/dislike about being in our family?”

Parents frequently complain to me that their children are withdrawn. They tell me that their children would rather spend time with their friends than family.

To get to the root of the issue, ask your children Question #2.

This question will help your children to see that there are good things about your family that they may have taken for granted.

At the same time, when they articulate what they dislike, you’ll understand what you can do to build a more united family.

Perhaps your children feel as if they don’t have enough freedom. Or perhaps they feel as if you’ve set too many house rules.

Whatever the case, this is an opportunity to brainstorm with your children. Together, you can find ways to make your home a happier one.

Question #3: “What are the biggest challenges you’re facing?”

Many parents focus too much on their children’s behaviour and academic performance. As a result, they don’t understand their children’s deeper concerns.

Children behave responsibly not when they understand why it’s important to do so. They behave responsibly when they feel understood by their parents.

By asking your children Question #3, you’ll get a better sense of their fears and aspirations.

This will help you to form a stronger parent-child bond.

Question #4: “How can we make our family more fun?”

Pre-teens and teens often tell me that they don’t like family time because it’s boring.

Furthermore, during family time they feel as if their parents might criticise or nag them.

It’s no wonder that pre-teens and teens don’t want to hang out with their parents!

Based on your children’s answer to Question #4, you’ll be able to think of ways to make family time more enjoyable.

After all, united families go through tough times together. But they also have plenty of fun together too!

Question #5: “What things are you excited about?”

This is a great question to help you understand your children better.

Maybe there’s a new game or show they like. Or maybe they can’t wait for their upcoming performance.

No matter what their answer is, don’t lecture them.

For example, your children might start going on and on about the latest game that all their friends are playing. As you listen, you might be tempted to warn them not to become addicted to the game.

You might also be tempted to remind them to focus on their academics.

But reserve the lecture for another time.

When your children tell you what they’re excited about, share in their excitement. Do your best to find out why they’re so thrilled.

This simple act will mean a lot to them.

Question #6: “Is there anything I can help you with?”

Parents’ natural instinct is to nag and remind their children. But children don’t respond well to this approach.

If you observe that your children are going through a rough time, ask them if there’s anything you can do to help.

Don’t be offended if their answer is “nothing”. They might not be ready to receive help, or they might want to work through the challenge on their own.

When you offer assistance in a non-judgmental and non-intrusive way, your children will appreciate it.

They’ll then be more willing to seek help from you if they need it.

Question #7: “Do you feel as if I understand you?”

I often hear from pre-teens and teens that their parents just don’t understand them.

When children don’t feel understood, they begin to tune out the advice their parents give them.

Parents perceive this behaviour as rebellious or defiant, but it isn’t.

It’s simply a human need to first feel understood.

If your children don’t feel as if you understand them, then explore the issue further.

Hear them out, and create a safe environment for them to share their feelings.

By doing so, you’ll lay the foundation for a healthy parent-child relationship and a happy home.

Conclusion

You’ve made it to the end of this article, so I know that you’re a committed parent.

You’re committed to raising your children well.

You’re committed to building a strong family.

You’re committed to becoming the best parent you can be.

The next step is to take action.

Every month, ask your children two to three of the questions listed in this article. (Download the free bonus PDF below to learn three additional questions.)

Mark it down on your calendar or set a reminder so you won’t forget.

And when you have the conversation with your children, be open-minded. Make it clear to them that you value their opinions and honesty.

If they have negative feedback, don’t take it personally. After all, the fastest way to improve as a parent – and in life, too – is to get regular feedback.

As you reflect and act on the feedback you receive from your children, you’ll become a more effective parent.

I’m sure your children will become more mature and happier too!

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The 53 Most Positive Things to Say to Your Child

Updated on January 6, 2026 By Daniel Wong 4 Comments

Do you focus on positive things to say to your child, or do you often nag?

If you answered “yes” to the latter, you’re not alone.

You want your children to be responsible and independent.

You want them to be motivated to do well in school.

Since they’re not there yet, you instinctively nag them to correct their behaviour and attitude.

But, at the same time, you realise that all this nagging isn’t working.

Sound familiar?

If so, this article is for you.

I’ve had years of experience working with and speaking to thousands of children and teenagers. So I understand the factors that help them become mature, responsible, and successful.

One of the most important factors is how their parents talk to them. (Here’s a list of family conversation starters that you’ll find helpful.)

The words you speak to your children play on repeat in their minds (even if it feels like your kids aren’t listening to a thing you say). So positive words for your children matter.

Share words of inspiration with your kids and they’ll likely grow into more kind, responsible, and respectful adults.

Plus, the more positive interactions between the parent and child, the less likely it is that the parent will need to nag the child in order to gain compliance.

When you speak words of encouragement to your kids, it’s also more likely that a strong parent-child bond will form.

Think back to your childhood for a moment…

Do you remember any inspiring words from your parents or teachers? Those positive statements helped you become the adult you are today.

In fact, there’s a supposed “magic ratio” of 5 to 1 in healthy relationships: 5 positive expressions of feelings and actions for every negative expression.

In this article, I’ll share with you 53 positive things to say to your child so that — in the long run — you won’t need to nag them anymore!

Before we get to the list of encouraging things to say to your kids, here’s a bonus for you…

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Enter your email below to download a free poster that contains the top 12 positive things to say to your children. You can print out the poster as a daily reminder of the phrases to use.

The benefits of encouraging messages for children

It’s hardly a secret that no matter our age, words of encouragement make us feel good. But it turns out there’s science behind why those nice words lead to long-term benefits.

In the book Words Can Change Your Brain, neuroscientist Dr. Andrew Newberg and communications expert Mark Robert Waldman say:

A single word has the power to influence the expression of genes that regulate physical and emotional stress… The longer you concentrate on positive words, the more you begin to affect other areas of the brain.

In other words, positive thoughts and speech affect how we feel and how we perceive the world around us.

And negative words? Those can cause situational stress and even contribute to anxiety.

Sharing positive messages with your children has an enduring influence on their mental well-being and life-long happiness.

Let’s take a closer look at a few other benefits of encouraging messages for children:

Encouraging words build self-esteem

If you regularly say positive things to your child, you’ll help build their confidence and self-esteem.

I don’t mean over-praising your kids, but providing an atmosphere that is encouraging and supportive.

Let’s say your child makes a mistake. Instead of reprimanding your child, you might say: “What happened here? We all make mistakes, so let’s talk about what happened in this situation.”

Your child will learn from the experience and be more motivated to keep working on challenging tasks.

Another benefit to building self-esteem? Children with positive self-worth tend to get better grades and achieve greater success.

That means they’ll be more motivated to do well in school — no exhausting micromanaging required.

Encouraging words support a growth mindset

Life is a continuous journey of learning, improving, and developing. We all face obstacles on our path to success. So, instead of constantly correcting your children, frame feedback in a positive light.

Remind your child that it’s the process, not the outcome, of becoming a better student that matters.

You’ll support a growth mindset, and your children will know it’s their effort that’s the most important. (Here are 10 phrases that encourage a growth mindset in students.)

Encouraging words inspire kindness and respect towards others

Our words become our children’s inner dialogue — and that impacts how they speak and act towards others. When parents focus on nice things to say to their kids, they inspire their children to spread kindness and respect.

For example, when you tell your children, “Your opinion is important,” you’re building their self-esteem and sense of responsibility.

You’re also reminding them to respect the opinion of others — a valuable skill inside and outside the classroom.

53 nice things to say to kids

Now that we’ve reviewed the benefits of encouraging words, let’s explore what things to say to your child.

This is my go-to list of 53 positive things to say to your child. Bookmark it, print it out, and come back to it whenever you need some inspiration!

1. “I’m grateful for you.”

Children feel special when they know you’re thankful that they’re a part of your life.

2. “What do you think?”

Ask this question to show that you value your children’s opinions.

3. “I enjoy spending time with you.”

Children and teenagers behave better when they know that you love them and like them. They’ll be less likely to rebel too.

4. “All of us make mistakes.”

Say this instead of harshly criticising your children for accidental mistakes.

5. “You’re special to me.”

This phrase will help to fill your children’s “love tank”.

6. “I appreciate it when you…”

For example, you might say, “I appreciate it when you set the table for dinner.”

7. “I trust you.”

Children and teenagers who feel as if their parents trust them are more likely to become trustworthy.

8. “You’re getting better at…”

When you notice your children’s progress, they’ll feel encouraged and motivated.

9. “Have a good day!”

This is a simple way to start the day on a positive note when you say goodbye to your children in the morning.

10. “Let me think about it.”

This is a better alternative than instinctively saying no to your children’s requests (assuming the requests aren’t too unreasonable).

11. “What happened here?”

Ask this question instead of assigning blame or jumping to conclusions, e.g. when you notice that a piece of furniture in your home has been damaged.

12. “It looks like you’re having a difficult time. Can you tell me about it?”

This is an effective way to get your children to open up.

13. “I’m sorry.”

When you’ve made a mistake, be humble and apologise.

14. “Your practice is paying off.”

Children and teenagers appreciate it when their parents observe that their efforts have yielded results.

15. “How did you do that?”

This question helps your children to focus on the process instead of the outcome, and is always one of the most positive things to say to your child.

16. “What’s one interesting thing that happened in school today?”

By asking your children this question, they’ll be more likely to open up as compared to you asking, “How was your day?”

17. “What did you try hard at today?”

This emphasises to your children that trying hard and improving are more important than achieving a specific end result.

18. “I’m sure you can do it.”

Continuing the list of things you could say to your child is “I’m sure you can do it.” Say this to your children to give them a boost of confidence.

19. “You decide.”

Children learn to make wise decisions by making more decisions, not by following the instructions of authority figures.

20. “How do you feel about that?”

This question will help your children to become more emotionally self-aware.

21. “I’m ready to listen.”

By telling your children that you’re ready to listen without judging, they’ll be more willing to share what’s on their heart.

22. “I love you.”

Children and teenagers need to know that they’re loved unconditionally.

23. “You make me smile.”

By saying this, you’ll make your children’s day.

24. “Your opinion is important.”

Your children will feel significant when you say this to them. And when they feel significant, they’ll behave more responsibly. It’s a must on any list of positive things to say to kids.

25. “You were right.”

Admit it when you’re wrong. This is one of the best ways to earn your child’s respect.

26. “I can see that you’re becoming more…”

For more positive things to say to your child, fill in the blank with “focused”, “organised”, “kind”, “responsible”, “helpful”, etc. as you observe even small positive changes in your children.

27. “I’m excited about doing this with you!”

This emphasises to your children that you actually enjoy doing things together with them.

28. “That’s a good question.”

By acknowledging your children’s curiosity, you’ll foster a spirit of lifelong learning in them.

29. “I accept you the way you are.”

Parents want to raise children who are secure and self-confident. Saying this to your children is a good way to encourage them down the right path.

30. “You’re an important member of this family.”

If you’re still wondering what to say to kids, remind your children frequently of their value and significance as a member of the family.

31. “I believe in you.”

Your children want to know that you believe in them, that you have faith in their character and abilities.

32. “I saw that you tried hard at…”

This phrase reinforces the principle that challenges are things to be embraced, not things to be avoided.

33. “Let’s do it your way.”

Show your children that your way isn’t always the only (or best) way.

34. “Can you explain to me why you did it this way?”

Empower your children to reflect on their choices and on what they’re learning.

35. “You’re learning how to…”

Remind your children that the journey of learning is what matters most.

36. “That was thoughtful of you.”

Acknowledging your children’s positive behaviour and attitude means a lot to them.

37. “Can you teach me how to…?”

Your children will grow in confidence when they realise that you have things to learn from them too.

38. “Good point.”

As your children grow in intellectual maturity and wisdom, show them that you observe this growth.

39. “I knew you could do it.”

These words of encouragement will help your children to believe in themselves.

40. “How did you think of that?”

Children and teenagers who go through such reflection will develop problem-solving skills faster.

41. “Would you like to talk about it?”

This question is inviting without being overbearing or demanding, key components of positive things to say to your child.

42. “What challenge would you like to take on?”

It’s through challenges that we learn and grow, so this is one way to encourage your children to view challenges positively.

43. “I care about you.”

If you feel awkward about telling your children that you love them, start with this phrase instead.

44. “What do you think you can do about this?”

Instead of solving the problem for your children, ask this question to enable them to solve the problem themselves.

45. “Will you forgive me?”

Beyond apologising, asking for your children’s forgiveness is a powerful way to restore the parent-child relationship.

46. “Tell me more.”

This is a simple phrase that encourages your children to share their thoughts and feelings.

47. “It’s OK to feel…”

Rather than tell your children that they shouldn’t feel angry, sad, frustrated, etc. empathise with them and help them to work through their negative emotions.

48. “Shall we start over again?”

If an argument has broken out between you and your children, ask this question to start the discussion afresh.

49. “I’m proud to be your parent.”

When your children know this, they’ll want to do you proud too.

50. “What can I do to be a better parent?”

Be prepared to hear an honest answer from your children. By putting their feedback into practice, you’ll definitely become a better parent.

51. “That’s an interesting idea.”

You’ll show your children you care about their opinions and encourage their creativity and self-expression.

52. “That was really brave of you.”

Dealing with change is scary. Acknowledge your child’s bravery, and they’ll feel more comfortable taking on new challenges.

53. “It’s okay to say no.”

Teach your children to say no from a young age. They’ll grow into empowered adults who know how to set healthy boundaries.

Inspire your kids with words

Being a parent isn’t easy. I hope this list of positive things to say to your children inspires them and helps you build a better relationship with them, too!

Try using a few of these encouraging words every week. Notice any changes you see in your children.

You might find that inspiring your kids with words fosters responsibility, confidence, and autonomy — all essential traits of motivated students.

Want even more support to raise resilient, successful children?

I offer 1-on-1 support for students through this coaching programme.

I’ll personally help your child to develop the mindset and skills they need in school and beyond.

Sharing encouraging words is a great way to motivate your child, but it’s just one of many important interactions kids need.

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10 Common Parenting Mistakes That Demotivate Your Children

Updated on January 6, 2026 By Daniel Wong 36 Comments

Wouldn’t it be great if your children were motivated and independent learners?

That way, you wouldn’t have to nag or scold them to do their homework.

Parents often tell me how frustrated they are that their teens hate school.

They’re also concerned that this lack of motivation will carry over to other areas of life.

The problem is that parents often demotivate their children unintentionally.

Here are 10 of the most common mistakes parents make – so do your best to avoid them in your home.

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Mistake #1: Give your children too many rewards based on achievement or behaviour

This is a trap that many parents fall into, and for good reason. The first time you try it, it seems to work.

You might tell your children that you’ll pay them a dollar each time they get more than 85% for a class test. This seems to work because they start studying harder.

You think to yourself, “Great. Problem solved!”

Then a few weeks later you realise their motivation has waned. They complain that getting a good grade deserves more than one dollar.

An argument breaks out, and you find yourself justifying the price. You even explain that studying hard is their basic responsibility as a student.

If this describes your situation, you’re not alone.

Many studies show that rewards and punishments work in the short term, but not in the long term.

(Read on to find out what other approaches you can try instead.)

Mistake #2: Overemphasise the importance of academics

Parents think that emphasising the importance of academics will motivate their children to work hard.

The problem is that this approach doesn’t turn your children into lifelong learners.

Learning isn’t just about getting good grades. It’s also about enjoying the process.

When children enjoy learning, they become motivated to keep on learning.

Grades can affect your job prospects, but many great leaders weren’t great students. Unfortunately, many of the students I’ve worked with tell me that their parents seem to think that grades are the only thing that matters.

We now know that there are many different types of intelligence and that the education system only measures some of these.

All parents would agree that social skills, character development, and learning to relax and reflect are also important areas of focus.

When parents dismiss their children’s hobbies and games as a waste of time, they hurt their children’s feelings and damage the parent-child relationship.

Parents must value and respect their children’s activities. Dance and sport can improve kinaesthetic intelligence, and games and discussions can boost intrapersonal intelligence.

These are vital skills for children to learn and carry with them through life.

Mistake #3: Supervise your children too closely

Micromanaging your children produces similar results to micromanaging employees.

It builds resentment, damages relationships, and robs children of valuable learning experiences.

When children have the opportunity to plan their own work and take responsibility for their actions, they become more mature and wise.

They also develop independence and organisational skills that will benefit them in school and beyond.

Children who take responsibility for their actions come to understand that they have control over their life. They learn that they have the ability to create their own success in school and beyond.

Let your children know you’re there for them if they need support. But make it clear that they shouldn’t look to you for all the answers.

If they need help, provide strategies they can use to find the answers themselves.

Parents who think of themselves as facilitators rather than supervisors foster self-sufficiency in their children.

Mistake #4: Fail to create a family culture of learning

You’ve probably noticed that children copy what their parents do, more so than what their parents say.

Children are observational learners, so family culture has a big influence on your children’s mindset.

When it comes to your children’s learning, one of the most effective things you can do is to create a family culture of learning.

If your children see that you enjoy acquiring new skills and knowledge, they’re more likely to enjoy learning too.

Show your children how fun it is to be a lifelong learner, so they’ll see the value of education beyond grades.

Mistake #5: Allow power struggles to develop

It’s common for power struggles to develop at home.

They often happen over homework or what time the children wake up for school.

If this is happening in your family, take a step back and analyse the situation.

Often, the root of the problem is related to the parent-child relationship.

After all, you know that the more you nag, the less it will help the situation.

The better approach is to focus on rebuilding the relationship and your child’s sense of self-worth.

A strong parent-child relationship brings many advantages. In fact, Shawn Anchor, author of The Happiness Advantage, has found that the brain functions more optimally when you’re feeling positive.

Mistake #6: Set rules without first discussing them with your children

No one likes to feel powerless or as though they have little control over their lives.

Think about how you’d feel if you were told what to wear, how much TV you could watch, and when you could use your phone.

It’s reasonable to have rules at home, but I recommend that you first discuss them with your children.

Workplaces that introduce strict rules without consulting their staff often find that their staff have started to rebel.

You can avoid a mutiny at home by bringing up the matter with your children before laying down the law.

Whenever possible, have a brainstorming session where you share your concerns with your children.

Your children may even propose better guidelines than you could have thought of, so be sure to listen to their opinions.

Taking this approach will mean less frustration for everyone involved.

In addition, your children will be more likely to adhere to the rules in the long run too.

Mistake #7: Overemphasise the importance of achievement instead of contribution

Schools tend to emphasise the importance of academic results. This is a practical aspect of the education system, but grades aren’t everything.

Good grades aren’t even an accurate predictor of success. The best predictor of success isn’t good grades or a high IQ, but rather emotional intelligence.

Parents must emphasise to their children that life is about much more than grades or accomplishments.

It’s about acquiring skills and knowledge so that they can make a difference in the world.

Children can start to develop this mindset by doing something like volunteering to tutor younger students. This type of experience will show them that their knowledge can be used to help others.

As a result, these children will begin to have a greater sense of purpose. They’ll begin to look beyond themselves and be less inclined to obsess over their achievements.

Mistake #8: Talk as if your children are never putting in enough effort

Some parents continually tell their children that they should focus better, work harder, apply more proven study tips, and spend less time online.

These parents have good intentions, but their actions cause their children to feel as if there’s no point in giving their best effort.

The children may even feel as though they’ll never be good enough to meet their parents’ expectations.

People who believe they’re incompetent become incompetent. As Henry Ford said, “Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t – you’re right.”

Telling your children that they’re not putting in enough effort reduces their motivation.

What’s the alternative?

Try some inspiration and positivity instead.

Remind them of when their efforts paid off and help them to reflect on their behaviour in a non-judgmental way.

It’s important to foster a strong sense of self-worth in your children so they know they have the ability to succeed if they try hard.

Mistake #9: Fail to acknowledge your children’s progress and good behaviour

Your children care about what you think, whether they show it or not.

When you acknowledge your children’s efforts and progress, they’ll feel more motivated.

Telling them that you appreciate that they fed the dog without being asked, or that they made their own lunch for school, encourages them to repeat the behaviour.

Even if they didn’t quite achieve what they set out to, focus on the progress they made.

Let them know that you see an improvement in their handwriting from all their practice, or that you’re proud of them for submitting their homework on time.

Avoid focusing on their abilities and intelligence. Instead, emphasise things related to their attitude and effort. This will lead to more sustained motivation down the road.

Mistake #10: Focus on your children’s behaviour without getting to the root of the problem

Parents often focus on their children’s bad habits or behaviour without digging deeper.

When children aren’t working hard enough or are behaving poorly, there are usually other factors at play.

Children who feel discouraged, overwhelmed, or worthless usually feel that they don’t deserve to be treated kindly.

They go out of their way to behave badly because they feel terrible about themselves.

This cycle is like a form of self-harm. It’s like the child is saying, “I don’t deserve to be loved, so I’ll behave badly. That way I’ll get what I deserve.”

Focusing on the behaviour doesn’t help; the underlying issue must be addressed.

Show your children that you’re always ready to listen. When they eventually share their struggles, you’ll be able to get to the heart of the issue and solve the problem.

Conclusion

We parent our children while we’re rushing out the door in the morning, or trying to get everyone fed.

As such, it’s easy to make the sorts of mistakes that demotivate our children.

Instead of feeling guilty, take action. Review the list of mistakes in this article once more, and identify the ones you’ve been making.

Take a few minutes to create an action plan.

How can you start motivating your children?

What steps can you take to inspire them to be their best?

How can you demonstrate the behaviours that you want to see in your children?

As you implement your plan, you’ll see improvements in your parent-child relationship and in your children’s behaviour too.

It’ll take work on your part, but it’ll be worth it!

(If you haven’t already done so, make sure to download your free e-book below.)

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20 Guaranteed Ways to Mess Up Your Children

Updated on January 6, 2026 By Daniel Wong 4 Comments

Parenting is nerve-wracking.

You love your children and want them to grow up to be happy, successful adults.

But some days you’re not sure how to make that happen.

Sometimes you fear that something you’re doing or saying will mess them up permanently.

Here’s the good news: Part of great parenting is avoiding mistakes.

The even better news is that you don’t have to discover these mistakes for yourself.

I’ve worked with thousands of children and teenagers, and they’ve told me the mistakes their parents have made.

Here are 20 unintentional ways parents mess up their children, so start avoiding these behaviours today!

(Don’t forget to download your free e-book below.)

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Mistake #1: Frequently tell them that they’re not living up to their potential

Parents often mean well when they say this. They think it’ll encourage their children to work harder and become more focused.

Unfortunately, it has the opposite effect. It makes children feel like a failure.

It also makes children feel as though their parents only love them when they’re successful or working hard.

A more effective approach is to encourage your children to self-reflect.

After all, how they feel about themselves is more important than how others feel about them.

Mistake #2: Scold them harshly when they make unintentional mistakes

Everyone makes mistakes.

But when your children accidentally spill their juice or drop a plate, it’s important not to overreact.

Doing so can cause them to develop a fear of failure. They may start to think that making mistakes is bad.

But in truth, making mistakes is the way we learn.

So when your children make a mistake, stay calm and say something like, “It was an accident. Let’s clean it up.”

Mistake #3: Continually point out their flaws

Some parents continually point out the flaws in their children.

They say they’re too messy, they’re irresponsible, or they don’t work hard enough.

Constant criticism results in a serious reduction in self-esteem. The children may start to believe that they’re not good enough, and will never measure up to expectations.

To motivate your children, try a little inspiration instead.

Tell them what they’ve done well. When you notice their efforts in a specific area, they’ll feel good about themselves.

As such, they’ll be more likely to repeat that behaviour in the future.

Mistake #4: Overemphasise the importance of academics

Academic performance is important, but it’s not the only thing that matters.

Constantly asking, “Have you finished your homework?” is perceived as nagging. It won’t result in better grades, and your relationship with your children will suffer.

Instead, focus on strengthening your relationship, and on helping your children to develop a healthy self-esteem.

You want your children to become independent, confident, and resilient adults. So foster their confidence and they’ll be able to lead meaningful and successful lives.

Mistake #5: Praise them too much

Praise is important, but it’s a tricky thing.

Too much praise can give children a distorted sense of self. Your children may start to feel like they’re entitled to many things in life since they’re so “special”.

General praise isn’t helpful either. Saying things like “Good job” or “Well done” is too broad.

In order for praise to be effective it needs to be specific, so your children know exactly what they’ve done well. That way they can repeat the action in the future.

Try saying things like, “Thanks for taking the clothes out of the washing machine. That really helped me.” Or “You worked really hard on that paper. You should be proud of yourself.”

Mistake #6: Neglect your spouse and marriage

You might not realise it, but your marriage is critical to your children’s upbringing.

Children need to feel safe and secure. One of the best ways you can make them feel that way is to have a loving, supportive relationship with your spouse.

If you neglect your spouse and marriage, your home environment is likely to become tense.

No matter how well you might think you’re hiding it, your children will know. They may even start to avoid being at home.

Mistake #7: Talk as if you always know better than them

No one likes to have someone talk down to them, or to have someone treat them as though they know better.

And let’s face it, your children probably know more about the latest apps, technology, and pop culture than you do.

They have their own experience and perspective, and they deserve to be treated with respect.

If you take a humbler approach, and are willing to learn from them, you’ll find that your relationship will become much stronger.

Mistake #8: Don’t show an interest in the things they care about

Sometimes the things our children care about seem insignificant. Like the latest “who doesn’t like who” classroom drama, or the coolest social media app.

These things are insignificant to us, but they’re incredibly important to our children.

When parents don’t show an interest in the things their children care about, they feel dismissed. They may assume that we’re not interested in their lives – even though that’s not true.

They become far less likely to turn to us when they need help.

Mistake #9: Protect them from the consequences of their actions

When children forget their homework or their wallet, it’s tempting to fix the problem for them.

Doing this occasionally is fine, but doing this too often can cause significant problems. Children need to learn to deal with the consequences of their actions and learn from their mistakes.

As adults, no one protects us or bails us out. We’re forced to take full responsibility for our actions.

Children learn to take responsibility when we allow them to accept the consequences of their actions. Protecting them can rob them of this valuable experience.

Mistake #10: Don’t have regular family meals

Eating together even a few times a week can reap big rewards.

In fact, eating regular family meals can improve academic performance, self-esteem, and resilience.

Regular meals together can also lower the risk of:

Substance abuse
Teen pregnancy
Depression
Eating disorders
Obesity

If you want your children to reap these physical, mental, and emotional benefits, aim to have a family meal at least three or four times a week.

Mistake #11: Talk negatively about your spouse in front of them

Try not to talk negatively about your spouse in front of your children, as this is both unsettling and worrying for them.

While you don’t have to agree on everything, your children need to know that you and your spouse are a strong, united couple. They need to believe you have a committed, loving relationship.

If not, they may start to play one parent off against the other.

Mistake #12: Try to fulfill your unfulfilled dreams through them

Your children are not an opportunity to fulfill your unfulfilled dreams.

They’re individuals, not extensions of you. They may have many of your traits, but that doesn’t mean they have to follow your dreams.

They need to follow their own dreams and live their own life. As parents, it’s our role to support them to fulfill their dreams – not ours.

Mistake #13: Intentionally shame them

Some people think it’s appropriate to use shame as a form of punishment. They may embarrass their children in public when they’ve done the wrong thing.

This isn’t an effective way to teach children to behave, and it leads to emotional scarring. It’s also likely to result in the children repeating this behaviour.

Intentionally shaming your children is hurtful, so explore alternative methods of disciplining them.

Mistake #14: Don’t set boundaries for them

Do you ever feel like your children argue with you about everything? It’s as though everything you say needs to be disputed.

You ask them to tidy up some of their things and they say, “I’m busy. I’ll do it later.”

You ask them to do their homework and they say, “I have the whole weekend to do it. Why do I have to do it now?”

No matter what you do, they still want more freedom and independence.

But boundaries are important. You can rethink some rules as they get older, but stick to the important ones.

Despite the way it may seem, your children need these limits!

Mistake #15: Refuse to apologise when you’ve made a mistake

One of the biggest things that anyone can do is to apologise for making a mistake. It takes courage, but it shows you care and that you know – and do – the right thing.

Even if you’ve had a disagreement and your child said things that were disrespectful, you probably had a part to play too. After all, it takes two hands to clap.

Apologising for the things you said or did sends your child a powerful message. It shows that you’re prepared to do the right thing.

It also strengthens your relationship and heals the pain caused by the argument.

Mistake #16: Treat each of your children equally, instead of focusing on how unique each child is to you

How many times have you heard something like, “It’s not fair – she has more juice than I do!” Or maybe, “He has more pancakes than me!”

If you have more than one child, it’s tempting to make everything equal. The problem is that this doesn’t make them feel as though they’re equal.

Instead, give each child what he or she needs.

When they complain they didn’t get the same amount of juice, you can tell them they’ll get more if they need more.

Focus on their individuality and show them that they’re special and unique to you. Let them know that there’s no one else like them in the whole world.

Mistake #17: Don’t involve them in the process of setting rules and boundaries

As your child gets older and more independent, it’s reasonable to involve them in setting rules and boundaries.

This doesn’t mean you have to let them get their own way. It means that you don’t just lay down the law or announce the rules without any discussion.

Instead, involve them in the process as much as possible.

Involving them in the decision-making process lets them know they have a voice, and their needs have been heard.

It helps them to weigh the pros and cons of the situation, and gives them real life examples of how people negotiate.

Mistake #18: Speak too much and listen too little

One of the biggest mistakes parents make is to lecture, give advice, or criticise, instead of listening and understanding.

Many parents think they’re listening to their children, but their children disagree. The key is not just to listen, but to help them feel heard.

Why?

Because your children won’t change their behaviour unless they first feel understood. So you need to respect their views and opinions, and show them that you’re listening.

Mistake #19: Ignore or downplay their feelings

Sometimes parents say things to their children like, “There’s no need to feel sad” or “There’s no reason to cry.”

This makes the children think that their feelings aren’t valid. It also encourages them to suppress their feelings.

This isn’t healthy.

It’s important to acknowledge feelings, and to teach your children that all feelings are acceptable – but that not all actions are.

Mistake #20: Focus too much on rules while neglecting the relationship

Rules and boundaries are certainly important, but relationships matter more.

You might have a rule that lights-out is at 8.30 pm, but one night your child is still reading at 8:40 pm.

The rule is important, but is it worth damaging the connection you have with your child?

Don’t throw out the rule book, but do maintain a balance. Foster a strong parent-child relationship, and your children will grow up to be happier and more successful.

Conclusion

If you’ve made some of these mistakes, don’t feel too discouraged.

After all, great parents are always learning, growing, and improving.

Make a note of the errors you’ve been committing, and make a firm decision to change your behaviour.

It’s never too late to change, and it’s never too late to strengthen your relationship with your children.

All you have to do is take action – there’s no better time like the present!

(If you haven’t already done so, make sure to download your free e-book below.)

FREE E-BOOK:

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16 Keys to Motivating Your Teenager.

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15 Things Parents Unknowingly Do That Annoy Their Children

Updated on January 6, 2026 By Daniel Wong 23 Comments

Do you want to have a better relationship with your children?

If so, one of the best things you can do is to avoid annoying them.

Why?

Because if your children are annoyed with you, it’s hard to have a strong parent-child relationship.

And without a strong parent-child relationship, it’s hard to raise happy, responsible and successful children.

I’ve worked with pre-teens and teens for many years. They’ve told me about the many things their parents unknowingly do that irritate them.

Here’s a list of 15 of those things you should stop doing right away.

(Don’t forget to download your free e-book below.)

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Annoying behavior #1: Continually point out your children’s flaws.

It’s easy to point out your children’s flaws:

“You watch too much TV.”
“Why are you so lazy?”
“You need to stop procrastinating.”
“You should study more.”
“Why don’t you try to be more organized?”
“You should pay more attention in class.”
“You should choose your friends more wisely.”

Criticism must be combined with an acknowledgement of good behavior.

You don’t need to go over the top with your praise, but it helps to catch your child doing and being good.

Annoying behavior #2: Treat your children as problems, not people.

Make an effort to speak positively to your children.

Some studies even show that the ideal ratio of positive comments to negative comments is 6:1.

If you talk to your children as if they’re problems you’re trying to fix, they’ll become resentful.

Listen to your children respectfully, demonstrate an interest in their hobbies, and show them common courtesies.

By doing so, you’ll build a better relationship with them.

Annoying behavior #3: Ask your children every day, “Have you completed your homework?”

Yes, it’s important that your children finish their homework on time.

But it’s also important that your children understand that homework isn’t the only thing you care about.

Continually asking “Have you completed your homework?” comes across as nagging.

Rather than nag, establish boundaries to make sure that you and your children are on the same page.

For example, you and your children may decide that as long as they maintain a B average and you don’t receive any complaints from their teachers, you won’t nag them about homework.

This approach allows your children more freedom, with less stress and frustration for both you and them.

Annoying behavior #4: Make your children feel as if they’re never working hard enough.

Your children may feel this way if you frequently comment about their lack of discipline, poor study habits, and inability to manage their time.

While you may be speaking the truth, your children may start to believe that they’ll never be able to measure up to your expectations.

As such, they may stop trying altogether.

You can prevent this by taking the time to understand your children’s feelings, and to focus on the things they’re doing well.

Annoying behavior #5: Give long lectures.

In your mind, giving long lectures may be the best way to get your point across.

But in your children’s minds, this is one of the most annoying things you can do.

Soon enough, your children will zone out, stop listening, and say whatever you want to hear in an attempt to end the lecture.

The better solution is to opt for a two-way conversation.

Encourage your children to share their perspective on the situation, and brainstorm possible solutions together with them.

Annoying behavior #6: Micromanage your children.

Do you manage your children’s schedule, from what they do each day to what they eat to what time they go to bed?

In general, children aged seven and older are capable of managing their schoolwork and other important tasks with minimal adult supervision.

They’ll need some coaching to accomplish this, but remember that the long-term goal of parenting is to “prepare the child for the path, not the path for the child.”

Annoying behavior #7: Break your promises.

You can’t just “talk the talk.” You also need to “walk the walk.”

If you break your promises, your children won’t trust you. This holds true for both big and small promises.

Children remember when a parent breaks a promise, even if it’s as simple as not taking them to a movie when you said you would.

Trust is the foundation of every relationship. So whenever you make a promise, follow through on it.

Annoying behavior #8: End a conversation with the phrase “because I said so.”

Think back to when you were a child.

“Because I said so” is the last thing you wanted to hear coming out from your parents’ mouths, right?

As frustrated as you might be with your children, don’t let this phrase slip out.

If you’re on the verge of losing your cool, take a step back and gather your thoughts.

Restart the conversation later in the day when you and your children have calmed down.

Annoying behavior #9: Continually accuse your children of arguing.

Do you often tell your children to “stop arguing” or to “stop talking back”?

I know . . . from your perspective, your children really are arguing and talking back.

But from their perspective, they’re just speaking their mind. They don’t mean to be rude.

Of course, this doesn’t mean you should tolerate behavior that’s blatantly disrespectful. But it does mean that you must model for your children what it means to be respectful.

Annoying behavior #10: Refuse to apologize, even when it’s clear that you’re in the wrong.

We all make mistakes. But as long as you admit it when you’re wrong, your children will forgive you.

Refusing to apologize to your children is the quickest way to create feelings of resentment and anger.

So if you’ve messed up, swallow your pride and apologize to your children.

If you can’t bring yourself to do so in person, send a text message or write a card instead.

This may not sound like a big deal, but an apology – even one that occurs many years after the fact – can help to restore the relationship.

Annoying behavior #11: Talk as if you know it all.

You probably have more perspective on life than your children, but you must remember that times have changed.

Growing up today isn’t the same as it was when you were a child or teenager.

For instance, it’s likely that your children know more about social media and digital technology than you. This means that, in some ways, they have a better understanding of how the world works.

So don’t act like you know it all. Instead, show your children that you’re willing to learn from them too.

Annoying behavior #12: Tell your children what things were like “when I was your age.”

When you talk as if you know exactly how your children feel, they’ll tune you out before you ever have a chance to make your point.

The pressures your children face today are different than what you dealt with growing up.

The world is more competitive today. There are more distractions to overcome. Technology is ubiquitous.

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with sharing stories from your past. Just don’t act like you know everything.

Listen more, speak less, and be open to your children’s views and opinions.

Do these things and you’ll keep the lines of communication between you and your children open.

Annoying behavior #13: Invade your children’s privacy.

An immediate way to destroy trust in your parent-child relationship is to invade your child’s privacy.

You should never go through your children’s personal belongings unless you suspect that they’re in grave danger.

Yes, you have the right to know where they are, who they’re with, and what time they’re expected to come home.

But as your children get older, it’s only natural that they’ll expect to have more freedom and independence.

Annoying behavior #14: Jump to conclusions.

As a parent, it’s easy to let past events influence your perception of future events.

But you must resist the urge to jump to conclusions.

For example, if your child gets a bad grade on a test, your first inclination may be to say, “You didn’t study for the test, did you?”

By jumping to conclusions, you’ll make the situation worse by putting your children on the defensive.

And when your children become defensive, it’ll be challenging to resolve the situation.

Even worse than jumping to conclusions is assuming that your child is lying – before you even gather all the facts. This can lead to future mistrust as well as permanent damage to the parent-child relationship.

Annoying behavior #15: Overreact.

Every parent wants the best for their children, which explains why many parents become anxious when things appear to take a turn for the worse.

Maybe your child’s math grade slips by 10%. Within a few days, you’ve hired a math tutor, started monitoring your child’s every move, and canceled all of your child’s extracurricular activities.

Although it might not seem like it to you, your child will definitely see this as an overreaction.

So before you respond to the situation, find out the reasons for the problem.

Think of potential solutions together with your child and – as far as possible – arrive at a mutually agreeable conclusion.

Conclusion

If you feel like you’re always committing parenting mistakes, don’t be discouraged.

By making a few specific changes, you’ll see a drastic improvement in your children’s development.

I encourage you to review this article periodically and develop an ongoing action plan to strengthen your parent-child relationship.

Yes, you’ll need to put in some effort.

But as Harold Lee once said, “The most important work you and I will ever do will be within the walls of our own homes.”

The time to get to work is now!

(If you haven’t already done so, make sure to download your free e-book below.)

FREE E-BOOK:

Get your FREE copy of

16 Keys to Motivating Your Teenager.

The e-book has already been downloaded by many thousands of parents, so don't miss out!

20 Powerful Tips for Parenting Teenagers

Updated on January 6, 2026 By Daniel Wong 7 Comments

Do you want your teenager to become a mature, responsible adult?

I’m sure you do, but there will definitely be roadblocks along the way.

Teenagers are going through many changes, so you’ll need to adjust your parenting style too. Parenthood is a hard job that gets even harder when your child reaches the teenage years.

I know this for a fact, because I’ve spoken to and worked with more than 20,000 teenagers.

Through my work, I’ve come to realize that no two teenagers are the same.

That may be stating the obvious. But, at the same time, there are proven tips that every parent can use to raise a happy, successful, and well-adjusted teenager.

Here are 20 powerful tips I recommend that every parent follow.

(Don’t forget to download your free e-book below.)

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1. Pick your battles.

Things like hairstyle and choice of clothes don’t matter much in the long run.

So focus on the things that do matter: responsibilities, values, and character.

It’s better to pick your battles than to turn every disagreement into a shouting match.

2. Decide on rules and boundaries in advance.

I’ve worked with many teenagers who feel that they live under the thumb of their parents.

Teenagers who help to create rules and boundaries are more likely to follow them.

So, whenever possible, involve your teenager in the process of creating rules and setting boundaries. Put these rules down in writing, along with any consequences in the case that your teenager breaks the rules.

3. Address one issue at a time.

It’s important to focus when you’re trying to be productive. The same principle holds true when parenting your teenager.

Teenagers often exhibit more than one problematic behavior at a time.

Address each issue separately, because if you try to tackle all the issues at once, you won’t get anywhere.

4. Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements.

This is a subtle change that can have a major impact on your parent-child relationship.

Here’s an example: Saying “I feel disrespected when you speak to me like that” is far better than saying “You are so rude.”

“I” statements are less accusatory than “you” statements, so your teenager will likely respond better to the former rather than the latter.

5. Help them reflect on their choices.

As far as possible, don’t nag or criticize your teenager. Instead, calmly discuss what he could do differently in the future and other options he could have considered.

When your teenager disobeys you, you might be tempted to say something like, “How dare you?! I told you that you weren’t allowed to do that.”

But this parenting approach won’t work in the long term.

By helping your teenager to reflect on his choices, he’ll grow and mature more quickly.

6. Keep the lines of communication open.

Teenagers must know that they can come to you with their problems, without you jumping to conclusions or overreacting.

If they don’t have this assurance, they won’t share their problems with you.

Here are some ways to keep the lines of communication open:

Listen more
Speak less
Don’t lecture
If you do lecture, be brief
Ask for your teenager’s opinion
Don’t interrupt your teenager
Show basic courtesies to your teenager

7. Don’t lecture or discipline them when you’re angry.

When you’re calm, it’s easier to converse in a civilized manner and to negotiate effectively with your teenager.

It can be difficult to take a step back in the heat of the moment, but as you do so consistently, you’ll find that your relationship with your teenager will improve.

8. Explain your values without preaching.

Your values probably aren’t the same as your teenager’s. But this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t share what you believe.

Rather than preach to your teenager, tell stories from your own life and from the lives of inspiring people you know.

It’s more likely that you’ll get through to your teenager this way, because preaching and lecturing come across as condescending.

9. Respect their opinions and feelings.

Your teenager has her own opinions and feelings. You don’t have to agree with them, but you must respect them.

For example, your teenager might declare that extracurricular activities are a waste of time. Instead of telling her why she’s wrong, ask questions to understand her point of view.

You might just realize that she’s thought about certain perspectives that you haven’t.

10. Educate yourself on teen development.

Parents who educate themselves on teen development usually have a better relationship with their children.

As with anything worth doing, becoming a world-class parent takes effort. I encourage you to read books (like these), attend seminars, and take courses.

The more you learn, the more you’ll be amazed at how much you didn’t know before!

11. Respect their privacy.

Unless you suspect that your teenager is in physical danger, resist the urge to snoop around.

You have a right to know where she is, whom she’s hanging out with, and what time she’s expected to be home.

But, in general, you don’t have the right to read her text messages or her journal, or to go through her personal belongings.

By showing your teenager respect, she’ll learn to show you respect too.

12. Give them responsibilities.

Without responsibilities, your teenager will never learn to be responsible.

For example, teenagers today are busy, but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t help out around the house. If you think your teenager’s time is too important for him to perform chores, it’s only a matter of time before he concludes that he is too important to perform chores.

Having this mindset is what leads to an unhealthy sense of entitlement in the future.

13. Apologize when you’ve made a mistake.

No parent is perfect, so don’t be too proud to admit it when you’ve made a mistake.

By modeling humility for your teenager, she’ll be more likely to follow your example.

What’s more, her respect for you will grow, and you’ll develop a stronger relationship with her in the process.

14. Don’t bail them out.

When your teenager makes a mistake, he must learn to take full responsibility for his actions.

If he habitually oversleeps, don’t drive him to school each time.

If he forgets to bring his homework to school time and time again, don’t bring it to school for him.

If he breaks the school rules repeatedly, don’t intervene to prevent him from getting punished.

It’s important to show your teenager grace, but not at the expense of helping him to understand that choices lead to consequences.

15. Whenever possible, give them choices.

Nobody likes to feel as though they’re being forced into doing something, especially teenagers.

Teenagers crave a sense of autonomy and control. So, whenever possible, give them a choice, e.g., when they’d prefer to do their homework, what food they’d like to eat, what they’d like to do as a family.

(Of course, I’m not suggesting that you bend over backwards to satisfy any ridiculous requests!)

16. Acknowledge their good behavior.

Rather than point out your teenager’s flaws, make an intentional effort to acknowledge her good behavior.

After all, teenagers can’t be nagged into changing their behavior.

The more effective approach is to make a remark like “I notice that you were focused today while doing your homework” or “Thank you for putting your dirty clothes in the laundry basket.”

In the long run, the behavior you focus on – whether good or bad – will multiply. So you might as well pay more attention to your teenager’s good behavior.

17. Choose the right time to talk about challenging issues.

Pick the right time to talk about serious issues related to grades, alcohol, sex, etc.

Schedule a time with your teenager in advance so that he doesn’t get caught off guard. And do your best to catch him at a time when he isn’t tired or cranky.

This will give you the best chance of having a productive conversation about the issue at hand.

18. Be vulnerable.

Dare to open up to your teenager. Share with her the mistakes you’ve made and the setbacks you’ve experienced. Explain to her what you’ve learned through the process of overcoming those challenges.

Opening up to your teenager shows your personal side. It will also make her feel more comfortable about sharing her struggles with you.

19. Show an interest in the things they care about.

You probably don’t share many of the same interests as your teenager. So make an effort to find out about his hobbies.

What type of music does he like?

Which shows does he follow?

Which YouTube channels is he subscribed to?

By showing an interest in the things your teenager cares about, you’ll build a stronger connection with him.

20. Have regular family meals.

Many studies have shown that having regular family meals is beneficial for the development of children and teenagers.

Eating together as a family has been linked to:

Lower incidence of substance abuse
Lower incidence of depression
Lower incidence of eating disorders
Improved academic performance
Higher self-esteem

It may not be possible to eat together every night, but try to do so at least three or four times a week.

Conclusion

I know what you’re thinking . . . This is a lot of advice to soak in.

At this point, you may feel overwhelmed. You may even feel like you’ll never be the perfect parent to your teenager.

But remember, it’s about progress, not perfection.

I encourage you to revisit this article often. When doing so, ask yourself these questions:

How many of these tips have I implemented?
Which tips have worked?
Which tips haven’t worked?
What can I do differently in the coming week or month?

As you identify what’s working and what isn’t, you’ll find yourself growing into a parent who knows how to bring out the best in your teenager.

Parenting teenagers is hard work, but I know you have what it takes to do a great job!

(If you haven’t already done so, make sure to download your free e-book below.)

FREE E-BOOK:

Get your FREE copy of

16 Keys to Motivating Your Teenager.

The e-book has already been downloaded by many thousands of parents, so don't miss out!