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12 Parenting Mistakes You Don’t Know You’re Making

Updated on January 6, 2026 By Daniel Wong 2 Comments

Frustrating, isn’t it?

You try your best as a parent.

You love your children unconditionally. You spend time with them. You give them gifts. You provide them with everything they need.

But somehow they don’t seem to appreciate it.

They complain about their lives. And – more annoyingly – they complain about you being a naggy, unreasonable parent.

You wonder to yourself, “Why don’t they appreciate everything I do for them?”

If this describes your situation, I’m here to help.

Having worked with thousands of children and teens, I realize there are many common mistakes that parents don’t even know they’re making.

I’ll explain 12 of these mistakes, which may be causing your child to be unhappy and unmotivated. (Some of them might surprise you as being mistakes!)

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1. Making your children the center of the universe.

Does your family’s schedule revolve around your children?

Their homework, their needs, their activities, their music lessons, their enrichment classes . . . the list goes on.

Of course, children have practical needs. But when everything revolves around them, they may become self-centered.

And when they’re constantly thinking about themselves – instead of focusing on the needs of others – they’re more likely to be unhappy.

After all, the people who lead the happiest, most meaningful lives are the ones who concentrate on serving others.

So allow your kids to experience a family environment where others receive as much attention as they do. They’ll benefit from it.

2. Constantly telling your children how special they are.

“You can be anything you want to be.”

“You did a fantastic job!”

“You’re so clever!”

If you say these kinds of things to your children too often, they may develop a sense of entitlement.

They may start thinking to themselves, “I’m special, so I should be able to achieve success even if I don’t try too hard.”

This kind of thinking sets children up for misery down the road, because nothing in life worth achieving ever comes easily.

It’s not wrong to encourage your children – just be sure they don’t end up thinking they’re the greatest thing since sliced bread.

3. Expecting the worst from your children.

Some parents say the following to their children:

“You’re so irresponsible.”
“You’re useless!”
“You’re stupid!”
“Why can’t you do anything right?”
“Why are you so unmotivated?”
“You didn’t do your homework, right?”
“Did you get in trouble with your teacher?”
“Are you hanging out with bad company again?”

Saying these things to your children won’t make them change their behavior. This is because over time they’ll internalize those labels they’ve been given.

A child who believes he’s “irresponsible” and “unmotivated” won’t magically become responsible and motivated. Instead, he’ll act out the negative traits he’s been labeled with. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

What’s the alternative?

Read on to the next point.

4. Not acknowledging your children’s good behavior.

Don’t let your children’s good behavior go unnoticed.

For example, if you observe that your child has managed to focus for 20 minutes straight, say with a smile, “I notice that you managed to concentrate for 20 minutes.”

If your child submits his homework on time, praise him for it: “I’m proud of you for getting your homework done and for not procrastinating.”

These are simple comments that make a huge difference. The more you focus on your children’s good behavior, the more it will multiply.

5. Trying to achieve your dreams through your children.

It’s easy to see your children as an extension of yourself. After all, your children have half of your genes.

But if you try to achieve your own dreams through your children, they won’t find enduring happiness and success.

I even know parents who have forced their children to become doctors or lawyers, because those were their unfulfilled career ambitions.

Each of us has our own race to run, so don’t coerce your children into following your own agenda.

6. Disciplining your children when you’re angry.

If you want your children to be confident and well-adjusted, you must discipline them.

But this discipline shouldn’t be carried out in the heat of the moment.

If you discipline your children when you’re angry, you’re likely to mete out unreasonable punishments or use excessive force.

In the long run, this will make your children feel bitter and resentful.

So if you’re on the verge of losing your cool, remove yourself from the situation for 10 to 15 minutes. Discipline your child only when you’ve calmed down. You’ll feel better about it, and in the end, so will they.

7. Shaming your children.

No matter what your children have done, refrain from saying any of the following:

“I’m ashamed of you.”
“Stop behaving like a baby.”
“You ungrateful brat!”
“What were you thinking?!”
“I’ll never forgive you for that.”

When children feel a sense of shame, their growth and development is hindered. They may feel unworthy of love, and they may feel like a failure. This will lead to various psychological problems.

So if your children have made a mistake, don’t find fault with them as people. Instead, focus on their actions and what you’d like them to do differently in the future.

And do remind them that you love them. This will teach them that they’re worthy of love even when they make mistakes, leading to strong feelings of self-worth.

8. Being a friend to your children rather than a parent.

If your children like you and enjoy spending time with you, that’s great. But your children need you to be a parent more than they need you as a friend.

Good parenting involves making hard decisions. It involves disciplining your children, establishing boundaries, setting expectations, and meting out consequences.

Even if you do these things perfectly, your children might still be disgruntled, and that can hurt your feelings.

But don’t worry, because they won’t stay that way for long. They’ll soon realize that you’re preparing them for adult life.

9. Not teaching your children to manage their emotions.

Life is full of stress, disappointment, and hardship. If children don’t learn to manage their emotions, they’ll be overwhelmed by challenges.

So it’s important that you teach your children how to regulate their emotions. Here are some ways you can do this:

Set a good example by managing your own emotions well
Pay attention to your emotions as well as your children’s
Don’t dismiss your children’s emotions
Empathize with your children
Encourage your children to talk about their emotions
Avoid judging your children’s emotions
Teach your children to name their emotions

When your children can handle their emotions no matter what trials life throws at them, they’ll be prepared for just about anything. This is one of the best gifts you can give them.

10. Comparing your children with others.

“Don’t compare” – this is probably the most popular piece of advice in the history of parenting.

But no matter how many times you hear it, it’s still tempting to compare your children with others. (I’m a parent too, so I speak from experience!)

When parents compare, children get the message that “my parents would love me more if only I were more like so-and-so.”

This can make children feel insecure, which harms their emotional and mental development.

So resist the urge to compare, remembering that your children are uniquely gifted with their own skills, abilities, and personality traits. They’re worthy of love and understanding just as they are.

11. Shielding your children from the consequences of their choices.

One of the most important life lessons is that choices lead to consequences. The sooner we understand this truth, the sooner we’ll start to make wise decisions.

Don’t hinder your children’s development by bailing them out. (Of course, the exception is when they’d be in physical danger if you didn’t do so.)

For example, if your children forget to bring their homework to school, don’t drive to school to drop it off. They’ll be forced to become more organized in the future.

And if your children refuse to put their clothes in the laundry basket, don’t do it for them. They’ll learn to do so when they have to re-wear their dirty clothes because they ran out of clean ones.

By all means, show your children grace and compassion, but don’t go overboard. If you do, your children won’t learn to take full responsibility for their lives.

And without that understanding, it’s impossible to be successful and happy in the long run.

12. Not prioritizing your marriage over your children.

I don’t claim to be a marriage expert. But through my work with children and teens, I’ve realized that they would rather know that their parents love each other than that their parents love them.

Author and therapist David Code says that “families centered on children create anxious, exhausted parents and demanding, entitled children.”

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that the parent-child relationship isn’t important. I’m just saying that it’s crucial for you to focus on meeting your spouse’s needs, not just your children’s.

Be intentional about strengthening your marriage, and your children will be happier and more well-adjusted as a result. And you and your spouse will be great role models for your children’s own eventual marriages.

Conclusion

Parenting is an art, so there’s no one-size-fits-all approach that works 100% of the time.

But if your goal is to raise children who are happy and successful, there are some things you should not do. In this article, I’ve outlined 12 of them.

If you feel like you’ve made many of these mistakes, rest assured that you’re not alone. Parenting is probably the toughest job in the world!

The first step to change is awareness, which you now have. The rest of the journey is about gradual improvement.

So take it one step at a time.

Think about which of the 12 mistakes you commit most often, and come up with a parenting improvement plan.

Implementing this plan will take commitment and hard work, but you’ll see results over time.

And down the road, your children will thank you too. 🙂

(If you haven’t already done so, make sure to download your free e-book below.)

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20 Simple Ways to Get Your Children to Listen to You

Updated on January 6, 2026 By Daniel Wong 4 Comments

Mother and daughter

It’s frustrating, isn’t it?

As a parent, you make countless sacrifices for your children.

You want the best for them, and you want them to become happy and successful.

But they just don’t listen to you.

Sometimes they don’t follow your instructions. Other times, they refuse to take your advice.

Understandably, you feel angry and helpless.

But take heart, because there are simple ways to get your children to listen to you. I’ve spoken to and worked with thousands of pre-teens and teens, so I’ll share with you the 20 best tips I know.

(Don’t forget to download your free e-book below.)

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1. Don’t make threats.

It’s tempting to threaten your children, especially when you’re at your wits’ end.

Resist this urge, because making threats will damage your parent-child relationship in the long run. The threats will eventually lose their effectiveness too.

What’s the alternative?

Read the rest of this article to find out.

2. Address your children by name.

Imagine if someone started barking orders at you without addressing you by name.

Would you feel like obeying those orders?

Probably not.

So if you start the conversation by calling your children by their name, they’ll feel respected. As such, they’ll be more likely to listen to what you have to say.

3. Get your children’s attention first.

Before you start giving instructions or suggestions, make sure you have your child’s full attention.

If necessary, walk up to him and put your hand on his shoulder. Establish eye contact, and ensure that he has turned his focus toward you.

Only then should you begin talking.

4. Make sure that your requests are reasonable.

Reasonable

Before you make your request, ask yourself the following questions:

Is the request really necessary?
Is it a matter of preference or principle?
How urgent is the request?
Is now the best time to make the request?

As parents, we must pick our battles. By asking the questions listed above, you’ll ensure that the battles you pick are worth fighting.

5. State your expectations ahead of time.

For instance, if you’re going to attend a wedding dinner as a family, let your children know your expectations (in terms of their behavior) ahead of time. Be as specific as possible.

In addition, state the consequences they’ll face if they choose not to behave according to those expectations.

6. Give your children choices and alternatives.

If you don’t give your children choices, they’ll perceive you as being authoritarian.

Here are some types of alternatives you could give them:

Do the task today or tomorrow
Do the task every day for 10 minutes, or once a week for an hour
Do the task using Method A, B, or C
Do Task A this week or Task B next week

7. Brainstorm possible solutions with your children.

If your child doesn’t agree to any of the options you’ve provided, brainstorm other possible options.

Get a sheet of paper and write down all the ideas that you and your child come up with. Take 10 to 15 minutes to do this.

Next, evaluate each of the ideas. Both of you get a chance to share your opinions on each of the options.

This may take a while, but you’ll usually be able to find a solution that you and your child are agreeable to.

8. Share with your children how you feel.

Happy face and sad face

In particular, the “When you … I feel …” approach is effective in getting through to children.

Here are some examples of how you might use this approach:

“When you bully your classmates, I feel anxious because I want you to become a person of strong values and character.
“When you refuse to study for your exams, I feel worried because I want you to make the most of your education and your talents.”
“When you speak to your teachers disrespectfully, I feel discouraged because I feel like I haven’t taught you well as your parent.”

9. Give your children your full attention.

Point #3 was about making sure that you have your children’s attention before you speak.

This point is about giving your children your full attention whenever they speak to you. This means putting away your electronic devices, newspapers, or books.

By doing this, your children will likely show you similar respect when you speak to them.

10. Phrase your requests “positively.”

Children respond better when the request is phrased “positively” rather than “negatively.”

These are a couple of examples to illustrate what I mean:

Example 1

Negative phrasing: “No shouting!”

Positive phrasing: “Please speak quietly when you’re indoors. You may shout when you’re outdoors.”

Example 2

Negative phrasing: “Stop watching TV!”

Positive phrasing: “Please turn off the TV and focus on your homework. During the school holidays, you’ll have more time to watch TV.”

11. Give your children advance notice.

As an example, if your children are in the middle of a game, give them advance notice if their fun is going to be cut short.

30 minutes before your family needs to leave the house, tell them they have 30 minutes remaining. Give them another warning 10 minutes before it’s time to go.

This way, they’ll be mentally prepared and won’t kick up a fuss.

12. State your requests as simply as possible.

Keep it simple

Children are more likely to listen when your requests are stated in a clear, direct, and simple manner.

Many parents make the mistake of repeating themselves to emphasize their point. But children often perceive this as nagging, and become less willing to listen.

So use as few words as possible to get your point across, and use simple language too.

13. Try to understand things from your children’s perspective.

Think back to when you were your children’s age.

Did you like it when your parents cut you off while you were speaking?

Or when you were playing with your friends, did you like it when your parents interrupted you?

Take a few minutes to think about the situation from your child’s point of view. This will help you to understand why she’s behaving the way she is. It will also give you fresh ideas about how to connect with her.

14. Acknowledge what your children have to say.

Children love using the word “but.”

“But I’m busy now…”

“But that’s so unfair…”

“But my friends don’t have to do this…”

“But I can do the homework later…”

Sound familiar?

How do you respond to statements like these from your children? By clamping down, or by exercising your parental authority in some other way?

I encourage you to first acknowledge what your children have said. You could say something like:

“I can see that you’re in the middle of your game…”
“I know this seems unfair to you…”
“I understand that your friends don’t have to do this…”
“I know it seems like your homework isn’t urgent…”

This will help your children to feel understood, which will make them more receptive to what you have to say.

15. Empathize with your children and identify their feelings.

As a follow-up to Points #13 and #14, identify your children’s feelings. Are they feeling frustrated, discouraged, disappointed, or betrayed?

If you can’t identify their emotions, then do the next best thing: ask them.

By showing your children that you understand their feelings – or that you’re trying to understand their feelings – they’ll be more likely to listen to you.

16. Stay calm.

Keep calm

This is easier said than done, I know.

But it’s vital that you stay calm, because nothing productive ever results from a shouting match.

So once you notice yourself getting agitated, take three or four deep breaths. Breathe in for three seconds, and breathe out for three seconds.

If necessary, remove yourself from the situation for 10 to 15 minutes. Restart the conversation when you’ve calmed down.

17. Be gentle but firm.

Speak to your children gently but firmly. Your children should know that you, as the parent, are the authority figure. But they should also feel respected and understood.

This is a fine balance that parents must strike, but it’s key if you want your children to listen to you willingly.

18. Be consistent and keep your word.

After you’ve set a rule, be consistent and follow through. If you don’t, your words will carry less weight in the future, and your children won’t take you seriously.

On a related note, make good on all your promises.

Whether it’s a promise you made to bring your children to the park, buy them a phone, or get them new clothes, keep your word.

I’ve spoken to children who don’t trust their parents because of broken promises in the past. And you can’t build a strong relationship without trust.

19. If necessary, end the discussion.

This approach should only be used as a last resort.

If you’ve already tried all the other tips but still can’t reach an agreement, then close the discussion.

For example, your child might want to go for a sleepover, but for various reasons you’ve decided that it isn’t a good idea.

You might end the discussion by saying, “I know you really want to go for this sleepover. But I’ve explained to you why I’m concerned about your safety and why I can’t allow you to go. I’m not changing my mind about this.”

20. Spend one-on-one time with your children.

Son and mother

At the heart of it, getting your children to listen to you is less about techniques and more about the parent-child relationship.

One of the best ways to build this relationship is to spend one-on-one time with your children. I’m not discounting the importance of family time, but one-on-one time is special.

Some parents continue to do this, even though their children are already adults. As you might expect, these parents typically have a wonderful relationship with each of their children.

And when you have a healthy parent-child relationship, your child will listen to you readily.

The bottom line

Getting your children to listen to your requests, suggestions, or advice – it’s one of the biggest challenges for parents.

But it doesn’t have to be a source of frustration for you anymore.

By using the 20 tips in this article, you’ll build a strong relationship with each of your children. Over time, your children will go from not listening to you to listening to you willingly.

This change will take time, and will require commitment. But it’ll be worth it.

I’m confident that you’re up to the challenge!

(If you haven’t already done so, make sure to download your free e-book below.)

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16 Keys to Motivating Your Teenager.

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50 Priceless Gifts Your Children Will Treasure for Life (That Don’t Cost a Cent)

Updated on January 6, 2026 By Daniel Wong 21 Comments

What are the best gifts to give your children?

The latest smartphone? A new laptop? A fun vacation?

There’s nothing wrong with giving children material things. But through my interactions with thousands of students, I realize that the gifts they value most usually don’t cost a cent.

Nevertheless, these gifts will bring them long-lasting joy, fulfillment, and success.

Inspired by this article, I came up with this list of 50 gifts your children will treasure for life, and which don’t cost a cent.

(Don’t forget to download your free e-book below.)

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1. Responsibilities

Through responsibilities, children learn to be responsible. And being responsible is a key factor that leads to enduring success.

2. Contentment

More shoes, more clothes, more money, more electronic devices … It’s easy to feel as if you never have enough. But if children don’t learn to be contented, they’ll never be happy.

3. Vulnerability

Be vulnerable with your children by sharing your challenges and weaknesses – as well as what you’re doing to overcome them. This way, your children will learn that they don’t have to pretend to be perfect.

4. Managing their emotions

Children must learn to deal with emotions like anger, frustration, and disappointment in order to lead a productive life.

5. Letters

My mom has been writing me letters for years, and I’ve kept all of them. In these letters, she shared her hopes, dreams, and concerns with me. Each letter has inspired me to live with a stronger sense of purpose and determination. (I love you, Mom!)

6. Family rituals

Family rituals are great for bonding. Research also shows that they help children to develop socially. These rituals could be as simple as having breakfast as a family every Saturday morning, or having a weekly family meeting.

7. Strong relationship with your spouse

As you model a healthy marriage for your children, they’ll learn how to build a strong marriage for themselves and their spouse in the future.

8. Being a team player

As the saying goes, “If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.” Great things are accomplished through teamwork.

9. Money management

Share with your children the basics of smart spending, saving, and investing. These skills will benefit them for the rest of their life.

10. Kindness

Children must learn to be kind toward others – and also toward themselves. Teach your children to become their own best friend, so that they won’t ever be overwhelmed by guilt or shame.

11. Inquisitiveness

There are endless things to learn and explore. Become an inquisitive person yourself, and share with your children the joy of embracing the beauty of the world around us.

12. Appreciation

Tell your children what you appreciate about them. Set an example by frequently giving others sincere compliments too.

13. Love

Remind your children that you love them unconditionally. It doesn’t matter what grades they get or what achievements they rack up. The more loved your children feel, the more they’ll be able to love others well.

14. Patience

Worthwhile accomplishments don’t happen overnight. As such, patience is a virtue that’s at the foundation of fulfillment and success.

15. Challenges

Children must be given enough appropriate challenges, so they’ll learn to enjoy challenges, rather than avoid them.

16. Gratitude

Studies show that grateful people are happier, healthier, and more successful. Show your children that there are always things to be thankful for, no matter what the situation.

17. Humility

You can learn something from everyone you meet. By maintaining a humble, teachable attitude, your children will maximize their personal growth.

18. Respect

As you show your children basic respect, they’ll learn to respect others. They’ll also learn to have a healthy respect for authority.

19. Laughter

Life is full of struggles, but there are also plenty of things to laugh about. Make your home a place of joy and laughter, and your children will have many wonderful family memories.

20. Self-control

Without self-control, your children won’t be able to keep their commitments or make progress toward their goals.

21. Affection

Children need physical affection from you, whether it’s a hug or a pat on the back.

22. Time

When you spend time with your children, they’ll see that they’re so important that you’re willing to make sacrifices just to be with them. The gift of time doesn’t cost anything, but it’s priceless.

23. Spirit of giving and sharing

Research shows that giving is better than receiving. Model for your children what it means to be generous with your resources and time.

24. Integrity

Strong relationships are vital for long-term happiness and success. The most important ingredient in any relationship is trust, and you can’t build trust if you don’t have integrity.

25. Safety

To maximize their potential, children need to feel safe and secure. They’ll only feel this way if they have a stable home environment. So if your home is full of tension and conflict, take steps to address the underlying issues right away.

26. Healthy living

Health is something we take for granted when we’re young, but age will eventually catch up with us. Teach your children the importance of healthy living by sleeping, eating, and exercising right as a family.

27. Positive thinking

I’m not talking about living in a fantasy world. I’m talking about teaching your children to see the opportunity and potential in every situation, no matter how bleak things might seem.

28. Unconditional support

We all have our low moments. That’s when we need encouragement and support to pick ourselves up and get back on the right path.

29. Serving others

A meaningful life is one which is focused on serving others and on making a difference in the lives of others.

30. Habits

The “small” things you do every day matter more than the “big” things you do once in a while. Your habits will make you or break you. Teach your children this truth, and help them to cultivate healthy habits.

31. Reflection

As Socrates once said, “The unexamined life is not worth living.” Reflection enables us to turn events into experiences, and to gain wisdom.

32. Forgiveness

Friends will betray you. Colleagues will gossip about you. And you’ll most definitely make mistakes. These are facts of life, so children must learn to forgive others freely – and themselves too.

33. Empathy

When you see things from the other person’s perspective, you won’t cast judgment prematurely. Set an example for your children by being understanding. As a result, they’ll become more caring and empathetic.

34. Resilience

Here’s one of my favorite quotes: “The only difference between a stumbling block and a stepping stone is how high you raise your foot.” The path to success is full of setbacks, so children need to develop the mental strength to deal with these setbacks.

35. Good manners

Being a polite, well-mannered person will never go out of style. Good manners also help to create a solid first impression.

36. Organizational skills

The older your children get, the busier they’re likely to become. Without organizational skills, they won’t be able to effectively manage their schedule and priorities.

37. Fun

Play is a crucial part of life, no matter what your age. Have fun as a family, and show your children that there are times when you shouldn’t take life too seriously.

38. Listening

This is a skill that few people master. By listening actively, you’ll build stronger relationships and develop empathy.

39. Dreams

Having dreams is an important part of leading a fulfilling life. So give your children the freedom to dream, and tell them about your dreams too. Not every dream will become a reality, but having dreams makes life more exciting.

40. Passion for learning

You don’t go to school to get an education; school is just one part of your education. Share with your children the things you’re learning, the books you’re reading, and the skills you’re developing. Your children will begin to see that learning isn’t mainly about passing exams. It’s about continually improving, so that you can make a bigger contribution to those around you.

41. Values

Many people make decisions based on pragmatism. But the ones who lead the most significant lives make decisions based on principles and values. Empower your children to lead a life of conviction, not convenience.

42. Choices

As children get older, they need to be given more choices and responsibilities. At the same time, they must learn that choices lead to consequences. Allow them to experience these consequences, so that they’ll make even better decisions down the road.

43. Hard work

Getting good grades requires hard work. Becoming a valuable employee requires hard work. Building strong relationships requires hard work. In other words, achieving anything worthwhile requires hard work. Teach your children the value of hard work, and show them that hard work is fun!

44. Vision

Vision is the starting point of all groundbreaking inventions, technologies, and businesses. To become visionary, children first need the freedom to explore their imagination.

45. Attention

When you’re with your children, put aside your newspapers and electronic devices, and be fully present. Children appreciate this more than you might think.

46. Freedom to fail

As Seth Godin once said, “If failure isn’t an option, then neither is real success.” As long as their well-being isn’t in danger, give your children the freedom to make mistakes and fail. This will help them to build courage and resilience.

47. People skills

Getting along with others is an invaluable life skill. Coach your children to ask good questions, empathize with others, and communicate effectively.

48. Ability to win and lose gracefully

Sometimes you win, and sometimes you lose. Regardless of the outcome, you should display grace, respect, and humility.

49. Knowing the difference between wants and needs

Understanding this difference will prevent your children from chasing after things they don’t need – and which won’t make them happy. As such, they’ll lead a simpler and more meaningful life.

50. Sense of destiny

My parents instilled in me and my siblings a sense of destiny, an understanding that we had a purpose to fulfill in life. As a result, I’d say that we’ve stayed relatively focused on doing things to serve others and make an impact. (Of course, my siblings and I are far from perfect!) I can only imagine how much emptier our lives would be if our parents hadn’t instilled in us this sense of destiny.

Conclusion

Unfortunately, you can’t buy these 50 gifts anywhere. You need to give these gifts to your children a little bit at a time, over the course of years.

This is a painstaking process, but your efforts will pay off. Your children will grow to be focused, disciplined, responsible, generous, and kind.

You have a huge part to play – I know you’re up to the challenge. 🙂

(If you haven’t already done so, make sure to download your free e-book below.)

FREE E-BOOK:

Get your FREE copy of

16 Keys to Motivating Your Teenager.

The e-book has already been downloaded by many thousands of parents, so don't miss out!

7 Common Mistakes That Damage Your Parent-Child Relationship

Updated on January 6, 2026 By Daniel Wong 6 Comments

Is there tension in your parent-child relationship?

Or is it hard for you to communicate with your child?

If so, don’t be discouraged.

We all try our best as parents, but things aren’t always smooth sailing.

I’ve spoken to and worked with more than 20,000 tweens and teens. I’ve seen first-hand how easily parent-child relationships can be damaged.

Here are seven ways that parents hurt the relationship with their child – so avoid doing these at all costs.

(Don’t forget to download your free e-book below.)

FREE E-BOOK:

Get your FREE copy of

16 Keys to Motivating Your Teenager.

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1. Tell your child that he isn’t living up to his potential.

Parents sometimes say to their underperforming child:

“You’re not maximizing your potential.”
“You’re intelligent, but you’re not making the most of it.”
“You’re wasting your potential.”
“If you worked harder, you would fulfill your potential.”

Do children feel motivated when they hear things like these? Unfortunately, they don’t.

Children share with me that when they’re told they’re not living up to their potential, they’re uninspired to improve.

Why?

Because they feel as if their parents care more about their performance than who they are as a person. They feel as if their parents would consider them more “complete,” if only they achieved more.

This causes resentment, which hinders them from even wanting to change their behavior.

Instead of focusing on your child’s untapped potential, acknowledge his good behavior. For example, if you observe that he’s been more diligent in his school work (even if it’s just a tiny improvement), acknowledge this change. You could say, “I notice you’ve been more focused recently.”

Or if he’s kind toward his younger sibling, compliment him by saying, “That’s thoughtful of you.”

The more attention you pay to your child’s good behavior, the more that behavior will multiply. Gradually, your parent-child relationship will improve too.

2. Make your child feel as if your love is conditional.

Many parents do this unintentionally by overemphasising the importance of grades.

In fact, children often say to me, “I feel as if my parents love me more when I do well in school.”

Parents of these children would claim that their love is not dependent on their children’s grades. But this isn’t the message the children hear.

One father I know believes that parents’ love for their children should be conditional. He believes that parents should only extend love if their children are hardworking and obedient.

Given his harsh attitude, I’m not surprised that his children are not hardworking or obedient.

If you want your children to find long-term success and fulfillment, remind them that your love for them is unconditional.

3. Bring up incidents from the past.

In the heat of the moment, it’s easy to bring up unpleasant incidents from the past: that time your child lied, behaved disrespectfully, betrayed your trust, or got in trouble at school.

When parents do this, it causes bitterness and resentment.

It may sound clichéd, but let bygones be bygones. This is especially important when it comes to the parent-child relationship.

If you do bring up an incident from the past during an argument, apologize to your child.

My experience tells me that these are the most powerful words you can say to a child: “I’m sorry, I was wrong. Will you forgive me?”

4. Continually criticize or nag your child.

We want our children to grow up to be polite, honest, kind, resilient, and successful. So it’s natural to criticize them whenever their current behavior isn’t aligned with who we want them to become.

As such, parents nag their children about their …

Work ethic
Attitude
Manners
Choice of friends
Hairstyle
Choice of clothes
Personal hygiene
Dietary habits
Taste in music
Choice of what they do in their free time or during school holidays

The list goes on.

But constant criticism rarely accomplishes anything besides damaging the parent-child relationship. I’ve even heard parents criticize their children by calling them “lazy” or “unmotivated.”

When children are given such negative labels, they’ll continue to live up to their reputation as “lazy” or “unmotivated.” After all, there’s no reason for them to change, because their parents have already formed this strong opinion of them.

What’s the alternative?

Acknowledge your child’s good behavior (see Point #1) and give her positive labels. This way, she’ll have a good name to live up to.

Over time, your relationship with her will improve, as will her behavior.

5. Talk down to your child.

From the time your child was born, you’ve been his primary caregiver. You’ve changed his diapers, made his milk, bathed him, given him food, taken him to school, wiped away his tears … and much more.

As your child gets older, it’s easy to feel as if you know better than him in every area. Although you may sometimes be right, talking down to him isn’t effective.

Avoid saying the following, which your child will perceive as condescending:

“I know what’s best for you.”
“You’ll understand when you’re older …”
“You’re just a child …”
“You don’t know anything …”
“Because I said so!”

Use the top-down approach sparingly. Instead, ask for your child’s opinion and seek to understand his perspective.

With this kind of mutual respect, your parent-child relationship is sure to improve.

6. Be unavailable to your child.

We live in a competitive, fast-paced world. So parents must make an intentional choice to be available to their children.

If you’re constantly busy with work and other commitments, your children may feel neglected. This makes it difficult to build a strong parent-child relationship.

What are some ways to become more available to your child?

Here are some suggestions:

Schedule regular one-to-one dates with your child
Have meals together as a family
Take an interest in your child’s games or hobbies
Bring your child with you when you run errands
Fix a broken fan or unclog a pipe with your child
Do household chores as a family
Take a walk together after dinner

The more available you are to your child, the less likely it is that she’ll withdraw or rebel.

7. Make assumptions and jump to conclusions.

Doing this is the quickest way to destroy your parent-child relationship.

Here are two examples of parents making assumptions and jumping to conclusions:

Example 1

Jane fails her science exam for the second time in a row.

When Jane breaks the news to her parents, they exclaim: “Why didn’t you study for the exam? I don’t know how you became so lazy.”

Example 2

One Saturday night, Benjamin comes home two hours after his curfew. This is the third time he’s broken his curfew.

Once he opens the front door, his parents fly into a rage: “You forgot about the time, didn’t you? What trouble were you up to with your friends?”

These examples might seem like exaggerations, but based on what tweens and teens share with me, they aren’t. In fact, some parents make even more far-fetched assumptions.

What might have actually happened in the examples above?

In Example 1, Jane may have studied extremely hard, but she may have blanked out during the exam. In addition, she may lack the organizational skills necessary for academic success. (This is the case for many of the students I work with.)

In Example 2, Benjamin may have needed to rush his friend to the hospital because of a medical emergency. He may have forgotten to bring his phone with him, so he couldn’t contact his parents to inform them. (This is a real story I heard.)

So don’t make assumptions or jump to conclusions. Give your child the benefit of the doubt, at least until you’ve heard her side of the story.

This will help to develop a trusting parent-child relationship, where the lines of communication remain open.

The bottom line

If you realize you’ve been making some of the mistakes listed in this article, don’t be too hard on yourself.

It takes two hands to clap, and your child also has a part to play in making the parent-child relationship work.

But as parents, we’re the leaders of our home.

So we must be proactive, humble, and courageous in cultivating a loving home environment.

As Dr. Gary Smalley once said, “Life is relationships; the rest is just details.”

Let’s get to work building strong family relationships. It’s the most important work we’ll ever do.

An earlier version of this article appeared on Yahoo!.

(If you haven’t already done so, make sure to download your free e-book below.)

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15 Things Parents Should Stop Saying to Their Children

Updated on January 6, 2026 By Daniel Wong 4 Comments

Do you wish you had a better relationship with your children?

Maybe your children don’t communicate much with you. They spend most of their time in their room, glued to their smartphone or computer.

Maybe they also lack motivation – except when it comes to social media and gaming.

If this describes your children, don’t despair. In this article, I’ll share with you specific ways to improve the situation.

I’ve spoken to and worked with 20,000 pre-teens and teens, and they’ve confessed to me why they behave this way.

Want to know the reason?

It’s because of the way their parents talk to them.

Of course, the parent-child relationship is a two-way street. But if parents stopped saying certain things, children would become more communicative, respectful, and responsible.

So here’s a list of 15 things that parents should stop saying to their children…

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1. “You always …” or “You never …”

Have you ever said any of the following to your children?

“You always wake up late.”
“You always take the easy way out.”
“You always get in trouble at school.”
“You never submit your homework on time.”
“You never do your chores.”
“You never put your clothes in the laundry basket.”

When you use the phrase “You always …” or “You never …” your children will become defensive. The conversation may then turn into an argument.

After all, there probably have been times when your children did wake up on time, submit their homework before the deadline, or put their clothes in the laundry basket.

So try this approach instead.

State objective facts that your children can’t refute. For instance, you could say to your child: “Over the past week, you’ve woken up late three times, by more than 20 minutes each time. This is an issue we need to resolve.”

By citing specific examples, you and your children will have a more fruitful discussion.

2. “You should be ashamed of yourself.”

The aim isn’t to guilt your children into changing their behavior. Rather, the aim is to coach them to make decisions based on the right values and principles.

Instead of saying “You should be ashamed of yourself,” process the situation with your children.

Help them to see what alternatives they could have considered, so that they’ll make the right choice in the future.

3. “Good job!”

Studies indicate that, in healthy relationships, the ratio of positive comments to negative comments is roughly 6:1.

Unfortunately, I’ve observed that in many families this ratio is reversed. In these families, the negative comments far outnumber the positive ones.

As such, the home environment is tense, and sometimes hostile.

So it’s better to praise your children once in a while than not at all. But the kind of praise matters too.

Telling your children “Good job!” is too general. What exactly did they do that was commendable?

For praise to be meaningful, it must be specific.

Here are some examples of specific praise you could give your children:

“That’s disciplined of you to have worked on your assignment for one hour straight.”
“I appreciate that you’ve done all your household chores over the past two days.”
“That’s thoughtful of you to set the table without anyone asking you to.”
“I appreciate that you woke up on time for school today.”

The more you acknowledge your children’s good behavior, the more they’ll display that behavior.

4. “Why did you …”

You might complete this sentence by saying:

“… hit your brother/sister?”
“… drop the glass cup?”
“… forget to bring your textbook to school?”
“… skip school?”

It’s hard for your children to answer these questions in the heat of the moment. What’s more, your children will feel accused or threatened, so they’ll be more likely to lie.

Try asking “What happened?” instead.

For example, you might say: “Your teacher called to say that you skipped school yesterday. What happened?” There might be a legitimate reason, so don’t jump to conclusions.

5. “What’s wrong with you?”

This one is similar to Phrase #4.

Asking “What’s wrong with you?” will cause your children to become bitter and withdrawn. Besides, it isn’t a question that will help your children to reflect on their bad behavior.

To understand your children’s perspective, say this instead: “What was going through your mind when you did that?”

If you say this calmly, you’ll have a better chance of getting to the root of the problem.

6. “Don’t argue with me.”

You might say this out of exasperation, especially when you feel disrespected.

But from your children’s point of view, they may not think they’re being disrespectful at all. As children explain their opinion, they sometimes don’t realise that they’re being rude.

As such, telling them not to argue with you seems unreasonable.

I’m not saying you should tolerate all rude behavior, but I am saying that children need to know that their opinions count.

So refrain from saying “Don’t argue with me.” Rather, maintain your composure and ask gentle questions to get to the heart of how your children feel.

7. “Because I said so.”

This phrase is the cousin of Phrase #6, and it’s just as ineffective.

Children want to understand the rationale behind family policies. If they don’t, they won’t follow those policies – at least, not willingly.

So take the time to explain the logic to your children. I recommend that you get into problem-solving mode with your children. Brainstorm other possible solutions, and write them down as you go along.

Your children might just come up with ingenious ideas you hadn’t even thought of!

8. “I told you so.”

It’s tempting to say this when your children make a mistake that you’d already warned them about.

But resist this temptation. Your children know they’ve messed up, so don’t rub it in.

Discipline your children if necessary. But before you do that, process the situation with them. Remind them that you’re there for them, and that you love them.

After all, it’s when your children have made a mistake that they need your reassurance and support the most. They don’t need you to tell them “I told you so.”

9. “If I were you …”

Well-meaning parents say this to encourage their children to make a certain decision.

But when children hear this phrase, they immediately think to themselves: “Well, you’re NOT me!” They proceed to tune out the rest of the advice their parents provide.

What’s the better way of getting through to your children?

Share your feelings. Talk about where you stand on the matter. And make it clear that you want to hear your children’s perspective too. Ask them thoughtful questions, and really listen to their responses.

This is the only way to reach an agreement that both you and your children will find reasonable.

10. “Why can’t you be more like your brother/sister/cousin/friend?”

What’s the most common piece of parenting advice you’ve heard?

In all likelihood, it’s “Don’t compare.”

But as a parent, it’s so hard not to compare.

Parents use their children as benchmarks to assess their own ability as parents. This is one big reason why parents compare their children with others.

When you compare, however, your children feel as if your love for them is based on their behavior or performance. They feel as if you would approve of them more, if only they were more like their brother/sister/cousin/friend.

So remind your children that you love them exactly the same, no matter what they do. But at the same time, encourage them to pursue excellence.

Explain to them that we all have responsibilities, and that it’s important to do our best to fulfill those responsibilities.

11. “I know how you feel.”

As a parent, you’ve gone through childhood and adolescence. Which means you’ve experienced betrayal, rejection, and disappointment.

But just because you’ve gone through a similar experience to your children doesn’t mean you know how they feel.

Tweens and teens say to me, “Times have changed. My parents don’t understand how different things are today compared to when they were growing up.”

Do your best to see things from your children’s point of view. Step into their shoes. Try out their games and hobbies. Listen to their favorite music. Get to know their friends. And listen respectfully when they share their thoughts and feelings.

12. “When I was your age …”

You might finish this sentence by saying:

“… I helped out so much more around the house.”
“… I had so many more responsibilities than you.”
“… I studied for eight hours a day.”
“… I had to work for everything I wanted.”
“… I didn’t have all the luxuries that you enjoy today.”

The indirect aim of saying this is to spur your child to become more grateful, hardworking, or disciplined.

But this approach doesn’t work.

Children are all too aware that things today are far different from 30 years ago, so they can’t relate to your experiences.

When you share your experiences, do it such that they understand you better – not as an attempt to coerce them into better behavior.

13. “I know what’s best for you.”

I like this insightful saying by Ann Landers: “It’s not what you do for your children that matters most. It’s what you teach them to do for themselves.”

In other words, parenthood is about helping your children to take full responsibility for their lives.

When you say “I know what’s best for you,” you’re exerting your parental authority. But you’re also missing out on an opportunity to let your children take ownership of the situation.

As long as your children aren’t in physical danger, I encourage you to let them make mistakes. That’s the only way they’ll acquire real-world knowledge and wisdom.

14. “There’s no reason to be scared.”

By saying this, you’re invalidating your children’s feelings. Over time, your children may start to suppress their feelings. They may even have trouble expressing their emotions.

I’ve seen this happen for many of my clients.

Instead of telling your children that they shouldn’t feel a certain way, empathize with them. Teach them to label their feelings and acknowledge them.

This way, your children will learn to manage their emotions, rather than ignore them.

15. “You’re not living up to your potential.”

Parents say this in the hope of inspiring their children to work harder. But this approach isn’t effective.

Why?

Because children will internalize the fact that they’re the type who doesn’t “live up to their potential.” They may begin to see this as a permanent trait.

Some of my clients share with me that they don’t see a reason to change their attitude, since they’ve already been labelled “lazy” or “unmotivated.”

A lack of motivation usually stems from unmet emotional needs. So offer your children help and support – not harsh criticism. And if you’re unable to get to the root of the issue, don’t be afraid to seek professional help.

The bottom line

If you feel like you’re having trouble communicating with your children, you’re not alone.

But rest assured that improving your parent-child relationship isn’t complicated.

All you have to do is stop saying the 15 things mentioned in this article, and you’ll see changes in the relationship. Little by little, your children will become happier, more motivated, and more responsible.

It’ll take time and effort, but it’ll be worth it.

Today’s the day to get started.

An earlier version of this article first appeared on Yahoo!.

(If you haven’t already done so, make sure to download your free e-book below.)

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Images: Parent and child, Why, Compare, Scared

How to Deal With a Defiant Child: 10 Strategies That Work

Updated on January 6, 2026 By Daniel Wong 13 Comments

Give yourself a pat on the back.

Parenthood is tough, and you’re doing the best you can.

You thought the worst was over when you no longer had to deal with dirty diapers, multiple middle-of-the-night wakings, and temper tantrums.

But it seems like the worst isn’t over. In the blink of an eye, you now have a defiant child on your hands.

He talks back to you. He disobeys you. He doesn’t pay attention in class. He refuses to do his homework.

Maybe the situation is more serious than that. Maybe he’s hanging out with bad company, or maybe he’s started smoking or drinking.

You’ve tried everything, but things haven’t improved. But rest assured that there’s hope, because the situation can get better.

Having mentored many rebellious, defiant children, I’ve come up with a list of 10 strategies that work…

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1. When you’re angry, walk away temporarily.

It’s reasonable to get angry when your child is rude or disrespectful. But if you’re on the brink of losing control of your emotions, walk away.

Tell your child that you’re angry, and that you’ll address the situation later. This way, you won’t say or do anything you’ll regret later on.

Take 10 to 15 minutes to collect your thoughts and decide on an appropriate response. When you’ve calmed down – by that time, your child will be calmer too – start the discussion afresh.

2. Nag/scold less, and listen more.

Tweens and teens complain to me that their parents just don’t listen to them. When they try to explain their point of view, their parents often respond by saying:

“Don’t argue with me.”
“I know what’s best for you.”
“When I was your age …”
“Why are you being so difficult?”
“When you grow up, you’ll understand …”

These responses cause children to become even more defiant.

Instead of nagging and scolding, trying really listening. Ask your child about her thoughts and opinions. Ask her how she feels. Ask her what she thinks you can do to be a better parent.

Then listen without judging or criticizing.

Gradually, you’ll get to the root of her rebellious behavior.

For a start, I recommend that you have 30 minutes of no nagging/scolding time every day. This could be the first 30 minutes after your child wakes up, or during dinner.

In this way, you’ll learn to kick your nagging/scolding habit and create a more pleasant home environment.

3. Acknowledge your child’s good behavior.

If you have a defiant child, you may feel like this is impossible to do. After all, it seems like she’s making unwise decisions and behaving irresponsibly every single day, right?

But the more you focus on a specific behavior, the more she’ll display that behavior.

If you point out her bad behavior day after day, that bad behavior will multiply. On the other hand, if you acknowledge her good behavior, that good behavior will multiply too.

For example, if you see her doing something thoughtful, smile at her and say, “That’s thoughtful of you.” She’ll appreciate this little compliment more than you expect.

As you make this a habit, over time she’ll stop feeling as if she’s a “problem child.” Instead, she’ll feel like she has a good reputation to live up to, so she’ll increasingly be on her best behavior.

4. Pick your battles.

Take a minute and write down five things you frequently argue with your child about.

Are they important issues? Or not-so-important ones?

If your child is skipping school or doing drugs, of course you should intervene.

But if you don’t like your child’s hairstyle or choice of clothes, you might be wise not to pass a comment.

Not all battles are worth fighting. In dealing with a defiant child, you must pick your battles carefully.

Here’s a personal example.

When I was 17, I wanted to get my ear pierced. When I told my parents about my intentions, they weren’t thrilled. Nonetheless, they gave me their blessing, so I got the piercing.

Later on, I got a minor (but painful!) infection because of the piercing. Still, my parents never once said, “I told you so.” They didn’t even object when I wore a big, shiny, fake diamond earring to a relative’s wedding dinner.

Well, what do you know? A couple of years later, I decided it wasn’t cool to wear an earring, and I haven’t worn an earring since.

I’m thankful to my parents for choosing not to fight this “earring battle,” because it wasn’t a big deal in the long run.

Be intentional about which battles you decide to fight. And when you decide to fight a specific battle, make it clear that you’re not doing battle against your child. Rather, you’re doing battle with your child to solve the problem.

Which brings me to the next point …

5. Work together with your child to find a solution.

As a parent, it’s tempting to exert your parental authority and “lay down the law.” This is even more so when your defiant child refuses to respect you as the leader of your family.

But laying down the law doesn’t work, especially if your child is a tween or teen. This is because, at this age, they’re learning to express their individuality and independence.

What’s the alternative to a top-down approach?

Involve your child in the process. Find out how he feels about the current situation, and what suggestions he has to resolve it. For all you know, he might have some ingenious ideas.

For example, if you’re frustrated that your child has been missing family dinners because he’s been out with friends, have a calm discussion with him.

He might share with you how important family is to him, but how his friends are important to him too. Together, you might decide on a reasonable number of family dinners he’s expected to attend each week.

Working together with your child to find a solution is far more effective than declaring that he’ll attend every family dinner, or else.

6. Tell your child what you appreciate about him or her.

When’s the last time you told your child that you appreciate her?

Even if she’s a defiant child, she still possesses some positive traits. If she’s kind and courageous, let her know that you admire those things about her.

By doing this, she’ll be reminded of your unconditional acceptance and love. This will help to open the lines of communication, which will defuse her rebellious behavior.

If you feel awkward about doing this in person, you could write her a letter instead. My own mom has been writing letters to me my whole life – and she’s continued this practice up to this day. I feel touched every time she writes me a letter, and I keep all of them.

7. Show your child common courtesies.

By this, I do not mean that you should let your child walk all over you, or that you should make him the center of your family’s universe.

What I do mean is that you should treat him with basic respect:

Say “please” and “thank you,” where appropriate
Don’t cut him off when he’s talking
Refrain from continually criticizing him
Give him choices, where appropriate
Don’t call him “stupid” or “useless”
Don’t talk bad about him, especially not in front of others

As you treat your child with respect, he’ll be more likely to show you respect too.

8. Apologize to your child, if necessary.

As parents, we sometimes lose our temper, say unkind things, and make unreasonable pronouncements. If you have a defiant child, this probably happens a lot more often than you’d like.

When we make a mistake, we must apologize.

Leaders go first. As leaders of our family, we must be the first to say “I’m sorry” to our children. In so doing, our children will learn what it means to be humble and vulnerable.

Here’s how you can practice this.

List the mistakes you’ve made that you have yet to apologize to your child for. Write them down, even if the incidents happened a long time ago.

Then start making one apology a month.

What do I mean?

Every month, find one opportunity to say “I’m sorry” to your child for something you haven’t apologized for. For example, when you have a quiet moment alone with her, you could say: “Remember that time when I promised to take you to the theme park after your exams, but I couldn’t because something came up at work? I’m really sorry about that.”

This “one apology a month” technique will help you build a stronger relationship with your child. As this happens, she’ll become less rebellious.

9. Get to know your child’s friends, especially if you think they’re “bad company.”

Your child probably has some friends you don’t approve of. Maybe they use vulgarities, smoke, or skip school.

In such a situation, many parents will say to the child, “I don’t like you hanging out with those friends.”

But do you think this is effective? Probably not. In all likelihood, he’ll spend more time with those friends, just to go against your wishes.

Try this approach instead.

Get to know your child’s friends. Invite them to your home. Feed them (who doesn’t like free food, right?). Tell them that they’re welcome to hang out at your place.

The more you interact with these friends, the more accurately you’ll be able to assess if they’re bad company or not. You can then make a better-informed decision about whether you should intervene.

In addition, by hanging out at your home, at least they won’t be roaming the streets looking for trouble.

10. Don’t cast judgment on your child’s hobbies, interests, music, etc.

Tweens and teens – especially the ones labeled as “defiant” or “rebellious” – often feel like they’re treated as a problem, not a person. They feel like everyone around them is trying to “fix” them, so they react by rebelling even more aggressively.

To reconnect with your child, refrain from casting judgment, as far as possible. After all, nobody gets inspired to change their behavior if they feel judged.

Here are some examples of judgmental statements you shouldn’t make:

“Stop wasting time playing online games.” (You’ve cast judgment that online games are a waste of time.)
“The music you listen to is trashy.” (You’ve cast judgment on your child’s taste in music.)
“Your friends are a bad influence on you.” (You’ve cast judgment on your child’s ability to choose the right friends.)
“You’re lazy when it comes to your school work.” (You’ve cast judgment on your child’s character.)
“You should eat more. You’re too skinny.” (You’ve cast judgment on your child’s body.)

Here’s how you might start a more meaningful conversation in each of the situations listed above:

“Tell me more about the game you’re playing.” (It might even help if you play the game yourself.)
“What do you like about this music?”
“What do your friends do for fun?”
“Is there anything I can do to help you in your school work?”
“What type of food do you like best? We can try to cook more of that type of food at home.”

By being more understanding and less judgmental, you’ll establish a better relationship with your child.

As the saying goes, “Rules without relationship breeds rebellion.”

If you want your child to be less defiant and rebellious, your parent-child relationship is the critical piece of the puzzle.

The bottom line

To recap, here are the 10 strategies to deal with a defiant child:

When you’re angry, walk away temporarily.
Nag/scold less, and listen more.
Acknowledge your child’s good behavior.
Pick your battles.
Work together with your child to find a solution.
Tell your child what you appreciate about him or her.
Show your child common courtesies.
Apologize to your child, if necessary.
Get to know your child’s friends, especially if you think they’re “bad company.”
Don’t cast judgment on your child’s hobbies, interests, music, etc.

I guarantee that these strategies work. But they won’t work overnight.

Change takes time, so don’t be discouraged if your child doesn’t respond right away. Press on, and in the coming weeks and months I’m confident that the situation will improve.

I love this quote by Harold B. Lee: “The most important work you and I will ever do will be within the walls of our own homes.”

It’s time for us to get to work.

P.S. I work with students 1-to-1 to help them become both happy and successful. Click here to find out more.

An earlier version of this article first appeared on Yahoo!.

(If you haven’t already done so, make sure to download your free e-book below.)

FREE E-BOOK:

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Are You Too Busy? 4 Ways To Slow Down

Updated on January 6, 2026 By Daniel Wong 21 Comments

Too busy

Let me ask you three questions:

Do you often feel like your to-do list is never-ending?
Do you often sacrifice sleep to get things done?
Do you frequently complain about how busy you are?

If you answered “yes” to those questions, you’re busy – probably too busy.

But it doesn’t have to be like this.

The strange reason we ignore the most important things in life

In an era where we’re connected 24/7, the line between work and leisure has become blurred. Even on a Sunday afternoon, you could send that email. You could reply to that text. You could do something “productive.”

But should you?

I face this temptation every time I have a day off. The temptation is even greater because I enjoy my job so much!

And it’s not just me. Through my work with parents – many of whom are busy and stressed out – I know this is a widespread problem.

Author Charles Hummel once observed that the most important things in life are also the most well-mannered. They don’t scream for your attention. They don’t throw a tantrum to force you to take notice.

This explains why we often ignore the things that matter most. They’re just too polite.

In contrast, the urgent things are far less polite. That email from your boss, that phone call, that Facebook message – they’re calling out to you right now. You feel like you can’t ignore it, so you don’t.

That’s how we become busy, by allowing ourselves to be overwhelmed by the urgent.

But there’s a way out.

4 effective ways to stop being so busy

In this article, I’ll discuss four ways to slow down. These tips will enable you to focus on the important instead of the urgent. Ultimately, they’ll help you to build a happier, stronger family.

Here are the four tips:

1. Set clear boundaries.

For instance, you could set a non-negotiable rule that you’ll leave work by 7pm at least three days a week. On these three days, you’ll have dinner together as a family. You might also decide that you absolutely won’t check your work email on Sundays.

Here’s an example from my own life. I do talks and workshops internationally, so my rule is that I’ll never be out of town two weekends in a row.

Take a few minutes and think about some boundaries you could establish for yourself.

At this point, I can almost hear you saying, “Daniel, this sounds nice in theory. But my job requires me to work and travel all the time. I don’t have a choice!”

I sympathize with you, I really do. I used to have a corporate job where I worked long hours, and sometimes weekends too.

But I realize that we always have a choice, even if it doesn’t feel that way.

You could choose to learn more productivity hacks to increase your efficiency. You could choose to talk to your boss about alternative work arrangements. You could choose to look for a new job.

Easier said than done, I know.

But in life, solutions rarely exist. Life is all about tradeoffs.

Ask yourself what tradeoffs you’re currently making. Are you focusing on the urgent things, at the expense of the important things? If you are, it’s time to make adjustments.

2. Create a positive family culture.

This might sound like a tip that’s unrelated to overcoming busyness. So let me explain.

I’ve worked with many people who occupy themselves with all kinds of activities, just so they can avoid being at home.

If your spouse or children choose not to spend much time at home, it could be because your home environment isn’t a pleasant one.

Is your home overflowing with joy, positivity and peace? Or is it full of nagging, criticism and unkind words?

If it’s the latter, take a moment to evaluate your family culture. What’s good and not so good about it? What steps can you take to improve it?

Here are some suggestions:

Say at least one positive thing a day to each person in your family, even if it’s as simple as “have a good day”
Create a new family tradition
Set up an “appreciation board” in your home, where you write down things you’re thankful for
Have a monthly family board game night
Have a weekly family meeting
Develop a family mission statement

Every family member has a part to play in shaping family culture, so create a plan of action today.

As the family culture becomes more loving and supportive, I can close to guarantee that everyone in the family will choose to be less busy outside the home.

3. Stop defining yourself according to your achievements.

For many years, my self-worth was defined by how I performed in school and in my other activities. I was obsessed with doing and achieving more, which caused me to burn out.

As an 18-year-old, I was the vice-captain of the basketball team, and I had basketball practice five days a week. I was also in the Chemistry Olympiad training squad, and I was a member of the Science Research Society. In addition, I was taking three subjects on top of the regular course load, and I was preparing for the SATs.

As you can imagine, I was busy and tired. All the time.

But when I stopped defining myself according to my achievements, I became less busy and tired. And I became happier. I started to care less about my performance, and more about living out my purpose and serving others.

It’s easy to get carried away building our careers or businesses. Of course, we all need to earn a living and provide for our families.

But more than our provisions, our children need our presence.

We need to invest the time to teach and mentor our children, and simply be with them. Our children appreciate this quality time more than the comforts and luxuries we give them.

So if you feel like your identity is based on what you accomplish, take a few minutes to reflect. Ask yourself what your values are, and what matters most to you in the long run. Decide to invest your resources and your life in the things that are of enduring worth.

When you do that, you’ll become less busy.

4. Limit the number of activities your children participate in.

I know far too many families whose weekend routine revolves around chauffeuring their children to and from activities and classes.

Golf lessons. Art class. Music class. Math class. Science class. Tennis lessons. Ballet class. Piano class.

It requires a detailed spreadsheet just to keep track of all these activities!

Not only that, the parents don’t get to rest and recover over the weekend, as they’re constantly running from one place to the next.

Because their children’s lives are overscheduled, these families don’t spend much time together. Things are made even worse if either parent travels extensively for work.

Children benefit from being exposed to a variety of activities and experiences. But they also need time to read, reflect and dream.

How will they be able to do this when their schedules are jam-packed?

Based on my experiences working with students, I’ve found this to be a good guideline:

Children shouldn’t be involved in more than one sports-related activity and one music-/art-related activity. Anything more than this and children will soon become addicted to busyness – or overwhelmed by it.

And children who are addicted to busyness are likely to become adults who are addicted to busyness.

When our children become less busy, we’ll become less busy too.

The bottom line

Busyness is a fact of life.

There will be times when you’ll have a pressing deadline to meet, when you’ll need to work late, or give up sleep to get the job done.

But busyness shouldn’t be a way of life.

If you’re exhausted and stressed, week after week, month after month, year after year… then today’s the day to make a change. If you don’t, there will be long-term consequences for your physical and emotional well-being, and for your relationships too.

So choose one of the four tips and put it into practice. Then work through the other tips over the next few weeks. It won’t be easy, but it’ll be worth it. (I’m going to continue implementing the tips myself!)

After all, everyone outside the home is replaceable.

Not to downplay the importance of work, but CEOs, managers, engineers, designers, technicians and writers (including myself!) are replaceable. If you quit your job today, someone will take over your position tomorrow.

But that’s not the way a family functions.

Every member of the family is irreplaceable. So we must pull our own weight and be actively involved in the home.

Let’s remind ourselves of this as we seek to lead fruitful lives, not busy ones.

Let’s slow down and take the time to build meaningful lives and strong families.

With each other’s support, I know we can do it. 🙂

An earlier version of this article first appeared on Yahoo!.

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