Parenting Archives - Page 2 of 6

40 Things Children Should Know How to Do Before They Turn 13

Updated on June 24, 2020 By Daniel Wong 20 Comments

As a parent, do you sometimes do things for your children that they should do for themselves?

I’m a parent too, so I know this is a trap that’s easy to fall into.

As time goes by, you may even start to think that you need to keep doing these things for your children.

If you don’t, these things won’t get done at all!

Sound familiar?

I’ve spoken to and worked with close to 25,000 pre-teens and teens so far. It surprises me that most of them haven’t developed the life skills needed to succeed in school and adulthood.

To help parents, I’ve created this list of 40 things that children should know how to do before they turn 13.

(To gain access to 10 more items, download the free bonus below.)

I’ve separated the list into five categories:

General life skills and self-management
Social/communication skills and relationships
Money
Home
Emotions

General life skills and self-management

1. Use a calendar or planner to keep track of important events and dates.

2. Handle their schoolwork, revision, etc. on their own without reminders or nagging.

3. Wake up on their own every morning without relying on their parents.

4. Writing things down and setting reminders to ensure that they don’t forget important information, items, etc.

5. Keep their room, desk, personal belongings, etc. organised.

6. Contact their tutors, teachers, coaches, etc. when necessary instead of relying on their parents to do it on their behalf.

7. Develop a rough daily and weekly schedule.

8. Create a plan to prepare for a test, achieve a goal, complete a project, etc.

9. Prioritise tasks.

10. Pack their bag on their own.

11. Take public transportation. [Read more…]

How to Deal With a Disrespectful Teenager: 10 Tips for Frustrated Parents

Updated on September 30, 2020 By Daniel Wong 126 Comments

Are you dealing with a disrespectful teenager?

Maybe he mutters under his breath when you ask him to do his homework.

Or maybe she slams her bedroom door when you tell her that she can’t go out with her friends.

If so, you’re probably at your wits’ end.

You love your teenagers and you want the best for them.

But you also want them to accept that there are rules in your family, just as there are rules in the outside world.

Don’t be alarmed. Disrespect towards parents is common as youngsters navigate the waters between childhood and adulthood.

But you can’t deal with disrespect by simply ignoring it.

You need a strategy. There are things you need to do, and things you need to avoid doing.

This article explains 10 tips for successfully handling disrespectful and often rebellious teenagers.

1. Understand the teenage brain

During childhood, there’s tremendous brain development. By age six, 95% of the brain’s structure has already been formed.

Picture it as a sudden development of the wiring of the brain.

The problem is that the new wiring hasn’t yet been connected to the key parts of the brain.

As Molly Edmonds writes, the teenage brain is like an entertainment centre whose components haven’t yet been hooked up.

There are loose wires everywhere. The speaker system hasn’t been connected to the DVD player. And the DVD player hasn’t been configured to work with the TV.

And as for the remote control – it hasn’t even arrived yet!

In this analogy, the remote control is the prefrontal cortex.

That’s the part of the brain that weighs outcomes, forms judgments, and controls impulses and emotions. But in the teenage brain, it hasn’t been properly connected yet.

What does this mean in practice?

It means teenagers can get frustrated easily, with themselves and with external situations. It makes them impulsive and subject to mood swings that you and I don’t experience.

That’s a heady cocktail that can turn teenagers into emotional wrecks.

Understanding that there’s a biological basis for your teenager’s difficult behaviour makes it much easier to deal with.

It helps you to focus on the behaviour rather than the person.

2. Think about the emotional needs underlying the behaviour

When teenagers are disrespectful to their parents, it’s sometimes a sign that they have emotional needs that aren’t being met.

Sometimes the disrespectful behaviour is a way of getting attention.

Other times, it’s an indication that they don’t feel accepted.

Sit down with your teenager and tell her that you’re there for her if she wants to talk about something. Remind her that you love her unconditionally. [Read more…]

12 Skills That Good Parents Have (Backed by Science)

Updated on June 29, 2020 By Daniel Wong 24 Comments

Do you want to have good parenting skills?

Of course you do.

You want to help your children make the most of their potential, and you want them to be contributing members of society.

But it’s time-consuming to sift through all the parenting tips out there.

What makes it more confusing is that the tips from different “parenting experts” are often contradictory!

I wanted to know what parenting skills and tips have been proven to be effective. So I read through all the scientific articles I could find.

Based on many hours of research, I’ve come up with this list of 12 good parenting skills. (If you’d like to discover another three skills effective parents have, download the free bonus below.)

Parenting skill #1: Focus more on your children’s positive behaviour than negative behaviour.

Yale University psychology professor Alan Kazdin explains that parents should be intentional about focusing more on their children’s positive behaviour than on their negative behaviour.^[1]

The more parents scold or reprimand, the more the bad behaviour gets repeated.

When they receive a lot of scolding, children start to internalise the belief that “I’m a bad child who misbehaves and gets scolded”.

As such, they don’t feel motivated to correct their behaviour, because it has already become a part of their identity.

Effective parents understand that the better approach is to acknowledge or describe their children’s good behaviour when they see it.

You may have to go out of your way to do this, but you’ll soon observe your children’s behaviour improving.

Parenting skill #2: Teach your children to focus on the needs of others.

Lara Aknin’s research shows that children find happiness through giving to others.^[2]

In fact, children find greater happiness when they give to others sacrificially.

These are interesting findings, because most of us are naturally self-centred. We look out for our own needs before the needs of others.

But the research indicates that if we overcome our selfish nature and focus on the needs of others, we’ll be happier.

If you want your children to lead joyful, fulfilling lives, teach them to serve others and contribute. Involve them in activities where they get to help others and make a positive impact.

When your children think more in terms of contribution and less in terms of achievement, they’ll be on the path of building a happy and successful life. [Read more…]

Want to Be a Better Parent? Ask Your Children 7 Simple Questions

Updated on June 29, 2020 By Daniel Wong Leave a Comment

As a parent, you want to raise children who are responsible and self-motivated.

You want them to do well in school, and you want them to communicate with you openly.

You also want to build a happy family.

But I’m sure you’ve already realised that you won’t achieve these goals easily.

Along the way, your children may have become disobedient, rebellious or disengaged. (This is especially likely if your children are pre-teens or teens.)

Your home environment may have become tense or even hostile.

If any of this sounds familiar to you, don’t worry. This article will help.

I don’t claim to be a parenting expert — I’m still learning how to raise my two young boys well.

But over the years I’ve spoken to and worked with thousands of pre-teens and teens. As such, I understand how to get through to them.

In this article, I’ll share with you seven simple questions to ask your children, which will help you to reach your parenting goals.

Question #1: “What can I do to be a better parent?”

The simplest way to become a better parent is to ask your children what they think.

When you ask them Question #1, be prepared for an honest answer.

Your children may point out your flaws.

They may bring up incidents where you were unreasonable or inconsistent.

They may highlight ways in which you haven’t been a good role model.

Is this a scary proposition?

Yes.

But the feedback you get will be invaluable in helping you understand which parenting skills you need to develop. [Read more…]

What to Do If Your Teen Hates School: 15 Strategies That Work

Updated on September 30, 2020 By Daniel Wong 58 Comments

Is your teen always saying that he hates school?

Does he complain about his teachers and classmates, and about how “useless” the lessons are?

Or maybe he complains that the people in school are “fake”, and that it’s hard to make friends?

If so, I’m sure you feel concerned.

You want to help your teen, but whatever you’ve tried so far hasn’t worked.

Don’t worry.

Given that I work with students – the majority of whom are teens – for a living, I know how common it is for teens to dislike school.

Nonetheless, this is still an issue that must be addressed.

There are many powerful strategies you can employ to help the situation. In this article, I’ll outline 15 of them.

(Download the free bonus below to learn five more strategies.)

Let’s get started.

1. Don’t assume that your teen is being defiant or rebellious

As children enter the teenage years, they crave autonomy. They are also forming their identity, all while their bodies and brains are going through drastic changes.

As such, teens often exhibit rebellious behaviour.

But don’t assume that this is the only reason your teen tells you she hates school.

Many times, there are other issues at play, e.g. feeling overwhelmed, struggling to keep up with schoolwork, bullying, fear of exams.

2. Think about what you’ve been doing that may have contributed to the problem

Here are some questions to ask yourself:

Do I frequently nag my teen?
Do I always talk about school-related topics?
Do I talk as if my teen’s hobbies are a waste of time, or that they’re merely a distraction from her schoolwork?
Do I compare my teen with her friends, cousins or siblings?
Do I overemphasise the importance of performing well in school?
Do I frequently force or coerce my teen into doing schoolwork?
Do I sign my teen up for classes or programmes without first seeking her consent?

On their own, none of these behaviours will result in your teen hating school.

But in combination, they’ll likely cause a power struggle between you and your teen.

Over time, your teen may develop even more negative emotional associations with school.

3. Use active listening techniques when talking to your teen about the issue

When you talk to your teen about why he hates school (and when you talk to him about other topics too), use active listening techniques such as the following:

Give your teen your full attention
Don’t multitask
Don’t interrupt your teen while he’s talking
Encourage your teen to keep talking, e.g. by saying “go on” or “tell me more”
Empathise with your teen
Seek to understand how he is feeling
Don’t judge
Don’t moralise
As far as possible, don’t provide unsolicited advice
Occasionally summarise what you think your teen has been saying and reflect it back to him, e.g. “It sounds like you feel as if your math teacher doesn’t explain the concepts well, so you dislike math.”

By using active listening techniques, your teen will be more likely to share with you what’s troubling him. [Read more…]

50 Positive Things to Say to Your Children (So You Won’t Need to Nag Anymore!)

Updated on September 1, 2020 By Daniel Wong 3 Comments

Do you nag your children often?

If your answer is “yes”, you’re not alone.

You want your children to be responsible and independent.

You want them to be motivated to do well in school.

Since they’re not there yet, you instinctively nag them to correct their behaviour and attitude.

But, at the same time, you realise that all this nagging isn’t working.

Sound familiar?

If so, this article is for you.

I’ve had years of experience working with thousands of children and teenagers. So I now understand the factors that help them to become mature, responsible and successful.

One of the most important factors is how their parents speak to them.

The more positive interactions between the parent and child, the less likely it is that the parent will need to nag the child in order to gain compliance.

It’s also more likely that a strong parent-child bond will form.

In fact, there’s a supposed “magic ratio” of 5 to 1 in healthy relationships: 5 positive expressions of feelings and actions for every negative expression.

So, in this article, I’ll share with you 50 positive things you can say to your children, so that – in the long run – you won’t need to nag them anymore!

Before we get to the list, here’s a bonus for you . . .

Here’s the list:

1. “I’m grateful for you.” Children feel special when they know you’re thankful that they’re a part of your life.

2. “What do you think?” Ask this question to show that you value your children’s opinions.

3. “I enjoy spending time with you.” Children and teenagers behave better when they know that you love them and like them. They’ll be less likely to rebel too.

4. “All of us make mistakes.” Say this instead of harshly criticising your children for accidental mistakes.

5. “You’re special to me.” This phrase will help to fill your children’s “love tank”.

6. “I appreciate it when you . . .” For example, you might say, “I appreciate it when you set the table for dinner.”

7. “I trust you.” Children and teenagers who feel as if their parents trust them are more likely to become trustworthy.

8. “You’re getting better at . . .” When you notice your children’s progress, they’ll feel encouraged and motivated. [Read more…]

50 Ways to Get Your Children to Respect You

Updated on June 24, 2020 By Daniel Wong 5 Comments

It’s frustrating, isn’t it?

You try hard as a parent. You do so much for your children, but they’re frequently not respectful toward you.

Sometimes they ignore what you say, or they talk back to you. They even ask you to stop nagging.

I’ve spoken to and worked with close to 25,000 children and teenagers so far, so I know what will get them to respect you as a parent.

When I say “respect”, I’m referring to a sense of admiration and honour that your children have toward you.

I’m not referring to your children feeling afraid of you.

In other words, if you want to get your children to respect you, you’ll need to earn it.

Here are 50 tips that will help you to do just that . . .

1. Respect your children

Children learn from watching you, and they’re likely to copy your behaviour. When you demonstrate basic respect toward your children, they’ll demonstrate respect toward you.

I’m not saying that you should let your children walk all over you. But I am saying that you shouldn’t belittle or shame them, nor should you criticise them harshly.

2. Focus more on the relationship than the rules

You don’t need to throw out the rulebook.

Just show your children that you value the parent-child relationship by speaking kindly to them and trying to understand their perspective. [Read more…]