Unmotivated Teenagers: What’s Really Going On? (And How Parents Can Help)

Updated on May 3, 2025 By Daniel Wong 18 Comments

Are you concerned that your teenager isn’t making the most of his or her potential?

Or do you worry that your teenager lacks focus?

Unmotivated teenagers cause their parents a lot of stress and frustration.

During adolescence, teens often deal with challenges like peer pressure, bullying, school-related stress, etc. These issues can affect teens’ motivation by causing them to feel overwhelmed or lost.

Parenting teens is hard, and you’re not alone if you feel like you’ve tried everything to motivate your teenager.

This article explores the possible explanations for what’s going on with unmotivated teenagers. We’ll also explore what you – as a parent – can do to help.

Of course, there are times when unmotivated teens will need professional support. This is something that we’ll discuss toward the end of the article.

Let me start by asking this question…

Why does your teenager lack motivation?

It’s essential to understand what your teenagers are going through before concluding that they’re “unmotivated.”

Perhaps you even wonder if you are doing enough to keep your teenagers motivated.

So let’s take a closer look at these 8 common reasons for teens’ lack of motivation.

Reason #1: Your teen feels discouraged or overwhelmed

Growing up and developing into a young adult is a journey that has many ups and downs. Teenagers frequently feel overwhelmed, both in school and in their personal lives.

When it comes to school, the workload alone can feel daunting. Whether they’re struggling to focus in class or are unable to keep up with the work, your teenagers may be feeling distressed.

As teens get older, the material they learn in school gets significantly harder. At the same time, they become busier with extracurricular activities and their social life.

As such, most teens struggle to lead balanced lives.

Over time, self-doubt can arise in teenagers. On the outside, this may look like a lack of motivation, when the underlying emotion is actually discouragement.

Here’s where you can guide your teenagers toward understanding the power of focus and time management. Talk to them about which activities they could focus on and which to scale back on.

Of course, you should make it clear that you’re there to support your teens, but that they are fully responsible for their choices.

Reason #2: Your teen isn’t taking care of his or her physical health

Teenagers crave independence and want to make their own choices. Teens want to exercise their decision-making abilities in many areas, including their food choices, the physical activities they participate in, and when they go to bed.

Teens who consume sugary drinks and unhealthy snacks will have poor energy levels. The same thing will happen if they don’t exercise regularly.

Research shows that sedentary behavior can lead to anxiety, depression, poor mental capacity, loss of concentration, and even a decline in memory. Being sleep-deprived – which most teens are – doesn’t help the situation!

Considering the factors above, you can see why your teen might lack enthusiasm or seem listless. Proper diet, exercise, and sleep are essential elements for students who are motivated to give their best.

To help your teens lead a healthy lifestyle, you can try organizing family outings that involve hiking or biking. Even going for a walk as a family once or twice a week is a good start.

You can also plan healthy dinners. Remove junk food from your home and keep healthy snacks on hand.

And it’s vital that you lead by example in taking care of your own physical health!

Reason #3: Your teen feels like he or she is being micromanaged

Nobody likes to be micromanaged.

Statistics show that 59% of adults have experienced being micromanaged at some point in their working life. Of those who reported working for a micromanager, 68% said it had decreased their morale, and 55% claimed it had hurt their productivity.

Your teens aren’t your employees, but you may be treating them like they are.

Teens crave independence and being trusted to make their own decisions.

So if you talk down to your teens, it can result in rebellious behavior. They may start to act out and defy your instructions.

Be mindful not to control every aspect of your teenagers’ lives. If safety isn’t an issue, allow them to make their own choices as far as possible. Some relevant areas would be clothes, food, choice of friends, and when they do their homework.

The more control you exert, the more likely they’ll be unmotivated teenagers.

Instead, include your teens in the decision-making process as much as possible. This would be applicable when it comes to establishing rules and boundaries.

By doing this, your teenagers will be more likely to comply with those rules. This means that you won’t be forced to micromanage them, so it’s a win-win situation!

Reason #4: Your teen doesn’t see the purpose of what he or she is being asked to do

How often have you asked your teens to complete some chores or to stop using their phone so much?

And how often have your teens ignored your requests?

Teenagers won’t want to do these things if they don’t understand or agree with the reasons you give them.

You may think you’re dealing with unmotivated teenagers. But maybe they just don’t see why they need to do the chores now instead of later, or why they should stop using their phone when they’ve already completed their homework.

Focus on the intrinsic value of what you’re asking your teens to do, e.g. contributing to the family, becoming a more disciplined person, developing traits like commitment and perseverance.

Of course, it’s important that you periodically talk to your teens about what values matter to them. It’s also important that you appreciate your teens sincerely when they fulfill their responsibilities.

When your teens focus on the intrinsic value of what they’re doing – not just on the practical benefits they’ll receive – they’ll develop a sense of purpose. They’ll also find the inner motivation to do the things that matter.

Reason #5: Your teen doesn’t know how to prioritize

The concept of organization doesn’t just apply to items your teens own. It also refers to how your teens prioritize their tasks.

Prioritizing allows your teens to sort through everything on their agenda and decide how best to complete those tasks.

Teens who haven’t learned how to prioritize often feel like they don’t know where to start. They end up getting distracted instead, which causes them to seem unmotivated.

If your teens know how to create lists and keep track of events and deadlines, they’ll be less stressed. They’ll procrastinate less, and they’ll stay on top of their tasks.

According to research, people who finish their most difficult tasks first are more productive than people who start with their easy tasks.

Reason #6: Your teen feels forced into doing things

No one likes to feel pressured into doing things they don’t want to do – teenagers especially.

So don’t spend too much time trying to force your teen to behave in a certain way, or you’ll both end up feeling frustrated.

Many parents use rewards to motivate their teens to perform certain tasks. But if you use this approach frequently, your teens will become outcome-oriented instead of process-oriented.

They’ll start to focus on the benefits they’ll receive if they perform the task, rather than focusing on the intrinsic value of the task. This will result in long-term negative consequences.

What’s more, your teenagers are likely to become more unmotivated over time.

So what should you do instead?

Try having a problem-solving conversation with your teens. Understanding their perspective will help you learn what support they need. You’ll also learn how you can be a better parent to them.

Make sure to use active listening techniques when speaking with your teenagers, e.g. maintaining eye contact, paying attention to body language, asking clarifying questions. Your teens will be more willing to share how they feel if they know you’re really listening to them.

Reason #7: Your teen has a learning disability

Learning disabilities can hinder a teen’s ability to comprehend or retain information.

Simple equations may be challenging to remember, or basic grammar rules may cause confusion.

Here are a few common learning disabilities:

Dyslexia. This is a learning disorder in which people find it hard to read. This is because of problems identifying sounds of speech and how they relate to letters.
Dyscalculia. This is a learning disorder that causes people to have trouble learning math. These difficulties can include problems doing both basic and abstract math.
Dysgraphia. This neurological condition makes it difficult for people to turn their thoughts into written words. This can also affect handwriting and writing speed.

A related condition is attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). This is a neurodevelopmental disorder that leads to poor planning and time management, impulsiveness, a lack of concentration, disorganization, etc.

Reason #8: Your teen doesn’t have a mentor or coach

A mentor or coach is the little-known factor that enables teenagers to become successful and happy.

It’s hard for parents to mentor their teens. This is because teens often interpret parental advice as nagging or lecturing.

Having a mentor benefits teenagers as they navigate their educational and life journeys. Research even shows that teenagers with mentors experience higher levels of life satisfaction.

Finding someone to fill this role can be challenging because it’s rare to have a family friend or relative who can serve as a mentor. Few adults can fully understand your teen’s challenges and guide your teen effectively.

This is where a more formal arrangement – like engaging a coach – can help.

Professionals who can help your unmotivated teen

If your teenager lacks motivation or faces other related challenges, you might be considering engaging a professional to help him or her.

Professional support comes in many forms, each serving a different purpose.

Here are the professionals who may be able to help your teen, depending on what issues your teen is dealing with:

1. Therapist or counselor

Main objective: To help teens work through trauma or emotional distress.

A therapist or counselor can help teens work through emotions related to trauma, physical abuse, or other situations causing ongoing emotional distress.

2. Psychologist or psychiatrist

Main objective: To treat teens who have mental disorders and mental illnesses.

A psychologist can help teens who have emotional problems and provide treatment for mental health-related issues. This often involves some kind of behavioral therapy like cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) or dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT).

A psychiatrist is a medical doctor who treats mental illnesses. Psychiatrists frequently prescribe medications that they think may help the patient’s condition.

3. Tutor

Main objective: To help focused and driven teens improve in specific academic areas.

Engaging a tutor is a good option for teens who are already motivated and focused, but who just need some additional assistance in a specific subject.

4. Coach

Main objective: To equip teens with the mindset and tools needed to become motivated, focused, confident, resilient, and responsible.

Engaging a coach is a solution that many parents haven’t considered.

Coaches specialize in guiding teens who are going through a difficult time, who have a learning disability, who lack motivation, or who are struggling to overcome various challenges.

Coaches help teens become more resilient, understand the importance of education, overcome a negative mindset, develop planning and organizational skills, etc.

So if your teens don’t have a strong sense of purpose, give up easily, frequently get distracted, or lack self-confidence and a sense of responsibility – then connecting them with a coach will benefit them tremendously.

A coach might be just what your teen needs!

To learn more about how your teen might benefit from coaching, read this article next. Or you can also click the link in the box below…

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Coaching for Teens: Can It Help My Teen to Become Motivated?

8 Risky Teen Behaviours: What Parents Need to Know

Updated on November 21, 2024 By Daniel Wong 7 Comments

Adolescence is when teenagers discover their passions, develop lifelong friendships, and push boundaries.

But this newfound sense of freedom sometimes leads to risky teenage behaviours. This can cause significant stress for parents.

The ability to stay grounded and understand the consequences of risky behaviour is the key to your teen making the right choices.

What might seem fun in the moment could end badly.

So let’s take a closer look at 8 common teenage risky behaviours and what you, as a parent, can do.

(If your teen lacks motivation, make sure to download the free e-book below.)

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1. Risky sexual behaviour

Being curious about sex is a natural part of growing up.

As a Christian, I believe in abstinence until marriage. But for others who aren’t religious, the main consideration might be practising safe sex.

Unsafe sex can affect your teen’s health and future because of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) and pregnancy, among other things.

The CDC found that almost half of the 26 million new cases of STDs in the US were among those aged 15-24. This underscores the dangers of risky sexual behaviour.

STDs can have lifelong effects. As you’re already aware of, the main ways to prevent getting an STD are abstinence and using protection.

Parenting teens is tough, but educating them on dating and the dangers of unprotected sex is essential. More than that, have open and honest conversations with your teens about their views toward sex, pornography, unplanned pregnancies, and STDs.

Only when you understand their perspective can you have meaningful conversations with them about making the right choices when it comes to sex.

2. Behaviour that leads to unintentional injuries

Many teenagers seek thrills and adventures. They might decide to bike through the forest or try dangerous skateboarding tricks.

These kinds of activities can lead to unintentional injuries.

According to GOV.UK, unintentional injuries are a leading cause of preventable death and severe disability among young people.

Teenagers may not take safety precautions seriously. For example, they might not wear a helmet or protective gear when riding a bike or skateboarding.

Risky behaviour on the roads, such as not wearing seat belts, is another leading cause of unintentional injury. Public Health England has created detailed guidelines to reduce these types of injuries on the roads.

Talk to your teens about the importance of wearing protective gear and driving safely. Find out how your teens assess risk and what factors influence their decision-making process.

3. Vaping and tobacco use

Peer pressure and a desire to “fit in” are common themes during adolescence.

Research shows that nicotine use during adolescence can adversely affect the brain. The areas of the brain most affected are responsible for attention, learning, mood, and impulse control.

Teenagers who rebelled against authority and smoked used to be seen as cool. But many teenagers today are put off by the ill effects of smoking, such as discoloured teeth, bad breath, respiratory issues, and cancers of the mouth and lungs.

Today, vaping is the “cool” thing. Statistics show that vaping is becoming more common, with 26.5% of high schoolers using disposable e-cigarettes, compared to only 2.4% a few years ago.

There’s no question that nicotine – no matter what form it takes – is addictive.

So make sure your teens know the risks of vaping. Once again, it’s always a good idea to have open discussions with your teens about vaping and smoking so that you know what their views are on the topic.

4. Poor eating habits

You may have heard the phrase “you are what you eat”. There’s truth to this statement.

As your teens begin to make their own food choices, their standards may start to slip. This is when unhealthy dietary habits can begin to develop.

Teenagers may opt for sugary drinks or unhealthy snacks that taste good but have little nutritional value.

A poor diet will almost definitely lead to serious consequences later in life. Various health issues, such as diabetes, high cholesterol, and obesity, can result from bad eating habits.

Skipping meals and drinking too many energy drinks are other dietary choices that can impact your teen’s health.

At the same time, teenagers often feel the pressure to have a “perfect” body. This pressure can cause them to restrict their calorie intake excessively. This can lead to eating disorders and vitamin deficiencies.

Keep the lines of communication with your teens open, so you’ll be able to support and guide them to make good choices when it comes to their dietary habits.

5. Alcohol and drug use

The teenage years are a time of self-discovery and – at times – rebellion.

Alcohol and drug use are common ways for teens to rebel against authority and also feel grown up.

But one drink can quickly lead to another, and before your teens know it, they’ve had too much.

With alcohol and drugs, it doesn’t take much to put your teen at severe risk.

Alcohol is often the gateway to other substances such as cocaine, inhalants, marijuana, methamphetamines, steroids, and prescription drugs.

When teenagers are exposed to such substances, they become vulnerable to several dangers. These dangers include accidental overdose, toxic drugs, and addiction.

Teens might experiment with alcohol and drugs for many reasons. They might feel curious, or they might want to fit in.

But many teens never fully consider the associated dangers. What may seem like a bit of weekend fun can lead to bad grades, health problems, or even a lifetime of addiction.

Not surprisingly, researchers have found that the earlier people begin to abuse drugs, the greater their chances of developing a serious addiction.

Maintaining a good relationship with your teens and listening to their points of view is the key to motivating your teens to make good decisions when it comes to alcohol and drug use.

6. Social media

The number of people who use social media regularly, and the amount of time spent online, is continually increasing.

Most teens use social media to communicate with their friends and meet new people. Some teens spend hours mindlessly scrolling through social media, to the point where it takes over their lives.

Social media addiction is a real threat to teenagers, so it’s something that parents need to look out for.

What’s more, the Internet is an especially dangerous place for vulnerable people. Cyberbullying is a common occurrence among teenagers. People hiding behind their screens aren’t afraid of leaving nasty comments or sending mean direct messages.

These comments and direct messages can damage your teen’s self-esteem.

So your teenagers need to learn to manage their social media usage. You can lead by example in this area by demonstrating to your teenagers what you’re doing to manage your own screen time and eliminate phone addiction.

7. Sexting

Technology enables us to communicate in a multitude of ways. But technology also makes it easy to send sexually explicit images.

Teens are curious and are more likely to experiment with sexting if their friends are doing it too.

To some people, sexting might not seem like a big deal, but it can have serious ramifications. Numerous studies show that sexting is associated with risky behaviours such as smoking and drug use.

Furthermore, sexting is associated with having multiple sexual partners, anxiety, and depression.

The images sent can easily be forwarded to unintended recipients. Sexting can lead to bullying, objectification, and extortion, just to name a few negative consequences. So sexting is something that teenagers should never engage in.

Have casual conversations with your teens to see what their views are toward sexting, so you’ll know how to approach the topic with them going forward.

8. Self-harm

Self-harm is often a coping mechanism for teenagers who are experiencing emotional pain.

Self-harm results in teens feeling temporarily relieved, before shame and guilt take over. In many cases, those who harm themselves hide their wounds from others.

Insufficient coping mechanisms and communication skills can lead to self-harm. Your teenager may be experiencing an internal struggle and may not have the tools to deal with it on his or her own.

Therapy and coaching can help to identify the underlying cause, and put your teen on the road to recovery.

Maintain a positive relationship with your teens to ensure they know they can come to you if they need help or support.

Conclusion

The journey through the teenage years is full of ups and downs.

Risky behaviours can be a normal part of growing up. But understanding the consequences of these behaviours and learning how to say no to them is essential.

Focus on building a strong relationship with your teens, and listen to their points of view without casting judgment. Over time, this will result in you being in a better position to influence them.

After all, lectures and nagging don’t work with teens. So your best bet is to keep the lines of communication wide open, because this will allow you to guide your teens toward making wise decisions.

All the best on this challenging but exciting journey with your teenagers!

(Don’t forget to download your free e-book below. It contains 16 proven tips that you can apply right away to help your teens become more motivated!)

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16 Keys to Motivating Your Teenager.

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How to Get Teenagers to Do Their Homework (9 Effective Strategies for Parents)

Updated on January 28, 2025 By Daniel Wong 3 Comments

As a parent, you’ve probably asked yourself many times how you can get your teenagers to do their homework.

“I’ll do it later”, “I’ve done enough studying today,” or “leave me alone” are not uncommon phrases to hear when asking teens about the status of their assignments.

If this sounds like your household, don’t worry – you’re not alone.

Social media, streaming platforms, and online gaming have become very popular. It’s no wonder that teens find it difficult to focus on their studies, and parents struggle with motivating their teenagers.

If you want to learn how to motivate teens to do their homework, then you’re in the right place. I’ve outlined 9 strategies you can use to get your teens to do their schoolwork.

Let’s take a closer look.

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1. Create a routine

Life with teenagers can be chaotic. As such, establishing a study routine for them to commit to can improve their productivity dramatically.

Think about when your teens are the most productive – whether it’s when they get home from school or later in the evening after they’ve had some downtime.

Study blocks are a good approach to use. Encourage your teens to set aside one- to two-hour blocks each day and dedicate them to homework.

This may change depending on the day and what other activities or chores your teens need to do.

You can help by setting up a calendar that highlights the times available each day. If your teenagers have a time frame to work with and know they can have some downtime, it can be motivating.

2. Provide a distraction-free space to work

It’s natural for teenagers’ workspaces to become cluttered over time.

But when it comes to motivating your teens to do their homework, it’s vital to clear some space and provide an environment that’s free from distractions.

Research shows that maintaining a clutter-free area can enhance productivity. Lighting, temperature, and noise are also factors to consider when creating an environment that’s conducive to studying.

Adding motivational quotes for students on sticky notes around the room can help to keep your teens going if they start to lose steam.

3. Don’t force your teen to do the homework

At the end of the day, it’s your teen’s responsibility to do the homework. As a parent, you can only do so much to help.

If you force your teens to do their homework by using threats and punishments, they’ll become resentful.

It will likely lead to a power struggle, and your teens will become more rebellious and defiant.

Have calm discussions with your teens about the expectations related to schoolwork, and take the time to understand their perspective.

Then you can work together with them to find some solutions that everyone involved finds acceptable.

4. Establish that homework is your teen’s responsibility

It’s only natural to want to see your teenagers succeed by focusing on studying and putting in their best effort.

That’s why getting teens to do their homework is a common point of frustration for many parents.

The problem is that this often leads to situations where parents become more invested in their teens’ study time than their teens are. It’s important to remember that homework is your teen’s responsibility, not yours.

While you can offer them help and guidance, you should never take ownership of their schoolwork.

I’m sure you want to raise happy and successful teens, and one of the best ways to do that is to ensure they understand what their responsibilities are.

5. Set expectations and consequences

Establishing clear expectations and consequences can improve your and your teenager’s experience with school work.

You’ll want to avoid harshly laying down the law when it comes to getting your teens to do their homework. This approach will backfire and will cause them to rebel.

Instead, take some time to calmly communicate with your teens and actively listen to them.

The conversation you have should be collaborative. Go through your expectations when it comes to your teen’s homework and the consequences of not meeting those expectations. Make sure everything is clearly outlined, and make sure that your teen finds the expectations reasonable.

By taking this approach, you’ll avoid – or at least minimise – arguments about unfinished assignments in the future.

6. Do your best not to micromanage your teen

Sometimes, pushing your teenagers too hard to do their homework or checking in too frequently can backfire and make them push back.

You may find that when left on their own, teenagers can be productive and finish what they need to.

Make a conscious decision to give your teens space to work on their own. Your teen will see this trust as a sign of confidence, which will strengthen your relationship.

7. Work on your tasks at the same time as your teen

As adults, we have some form of “homework” that needs to be done too, such as things related to invoices, bills, investments, online courses, etc.

So use this as an opportunity to set an example for your teenagers. If they’re open to the idea, do your “homework” while they’re doing their homework.

By spending time together and being productive, you can be a positive role model for your teenagers. You can show them what it looks like to take on tasks, finish them, and enjoy the feeling of accomplishment.

8. Stay calm and communicate clearly

When trying to motivate your teens to do their homework, stay calm and avoid arguing with them. Yelling will only distance your teens from you and make the subject of homework one that’s tinged with negativity.

Nurture your relationship with your teenager by speaking to them calmly and listening to what they have to say.

Show them that you value their opinions and reinforce that their voice matters.

9. Help your teen prioritise

As a parent, I’m sure you have a to-do list. It’s not always possible to get through it every day, but prioritising the most important tasks can do wonders.

The same thing goes for teenagers and their homework.

If your teens are open to the idea, sit down with them to help them prioritise their most important tasks. That way, when their energy level is at its peak, they can begin with the more time-consuming or challenging assignments.

When they learn to prioritise, they’ll be less overwhelmed and more focused.

Conclusion

Homework is an essential part of every student’s life.

As a parent, you understand the importance of your teens doing their best in school so that they’ll make the most of their potential.

So it’s about finding that happy medium between how to get your teens to do their homework while also giving them the chance to take complete ownership of their education.

You won’t always be there to give your teens a nudge, so by applying the tips in this article, they’ll be on their way to becoming responsible and effective students.

(If you’d like your teenagers to become more motivated, make sure to download the free e-book below!)

FREE E-BOOK:

Get your FREE copy of

16 Keys to Motivating Your Teenager.

The e-book has already been downloaded by many thousands of parents, so don't miss out!

7 Tips for Parenting ADHD Teens

July 16, 2022 By Daniel Wong 2 Comments

Parenting ADHD teens is especially tough, which I’m sure you already know.

You want to help your teens get on the right path, but they’re resistant to rules and they get annoyed when you give them reminders.

But it doesn’t have to be a constant struggle.

Teens with ADHD (attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder) can learn strategies to help them focus as well as calm themselves.

As a parent, you can find the best ways to support them – leading to less conflict and more connection.

All parents want their teens to be happy and successful. Raising teens with ADHD means providing the proper foundation, tools, and strategies to help them succeed.

That’s what we’ll be talking about in this article.

(If your teen lacks motivation, make sure to download the free e-book below.)

FREE E-BOOK:

Get your FREE copy of

16 Keys to Motivating Your Teenager.

The e-book has already been downloaded by many thousands of parents, so don't miss out!

7 effective parenting strategies

Believing in your teenagers and supporting their efforts is essential to navigating life with teenagers who have ADHD.

Such teens need extra reassurance and may feel frustrated because they can’t keep pace with their non-ADHD peers and siblings. These are all natural feelings.

If you’d like to know how to deal with an ADHD teenager, keep reading.

Here are 7 strategies that work:

1. Encourage your teen to exercise

Teenagers with ADHD often have excess energy. You might notice that your teen fidgets or is unable to sit still. In these instances, your efforts to get your teen to focus will feel fruitless.

Now’s the time to take a deep breath.

Remember, your teen isn’t ignoring you or trying to make you angry.

Physical activity is beneficial for the mind and the body, but motivating teens to do what’s good for them can be tough.

Find fun exercises or activities that your teen will enjoy doing. Exercise will burn off some of that extra energy and, in turn, calm your teen.

Exercise stimulates healthy brain function, regulates sleep, and enables your teen to concentrate better.

2. Establish and enforce rules

The teenage years are when teens start testing boundaries and pushing for more autonomy.

But teens with ADHD need more structure because they have difficulty understanding how to behave without established and consistent rules.

Don’t argue with your teen. Instead, communicate with your teen about your expectations and create rules that everyone agrees on.

Once you and your teen have agreed on a set of rules and expectations, it’s essential to make sure you consistently enforce them to maintain structure.

You can try creating a checklist of what needs to be done around the house and for school.

By doing this, your teenager will know exactly what’s expected of him or her and will have something to refer to if distraction kicks in.

Here are some other strategies you can use:

Set a timer for certain chores or tasks to emphasise the importance of completing one task at a time.
Positively reinforce good behaviour to motivate your teen to keep following the rules. (Teenagers with ADHD typically find praise more meaningful than teenagers who don’t have ADHD.)
Think about issues that will likely come up in the future and brainstorm ways to deal with those issues together with your teen.

Teens need to discover the world around them and become more independent.

But parenting teens with ADHD means you need to provide extra guidance and strategies to ensure they do so safely and successfully.

3. Give appropriate consequences

When parenting a teen with ADHD, it’s vital to know the difference between punishment and discipline.

Now that you and your teen have worked together to establish a structure that works, you need to agree on the appropriate consequences.

Teens with ADHD are more likely to break the rules because they forgot, got distracted, or became overwhelmed. As such, you need to ensure that the consequences you put in place are appropriate.

For example:

If your teens aren’t home by curfew – no going out the following weekend.
If your teens leave their things in a mess around the house – those items get taken away for three days.
If your teens don’t complete their chores – no video games until after they’ve done the chores.

When you set consequences that aren’t reasonable, your teens will become frustrated and resentful.

So be sure to explain to them why you’re carrying out the consequence. Discuss the situation with them and see if they need further help or support.

For instance, if the issue is punctuality, your teen might decide to set a recurring alarm. You could also encourage your teen to participate in structured activities that teach the importance of being on time.

4. Encourage social interaction

The average teenager is busy. A teen’s calendar fills up fast between school, other activities, and spending time with friends.

Most ADHD teens aren’t like their peers when it comes to socialising.

Teens with ADHD can feel lonely and isolated. These feelings can lead to lower self-esteem and cause difficulties in building and maintaining friendships.

As a parent, you can provide opportunities for your teenager to participate in structured social activities like sports or clubs. These activities can help to meet the need for social interaction, while also enabling your teenager to focus on one activity at a time.

5. Foster a positive attitude

Keeping the lines of communication open with teenagers is a key way to foster a positive attitude in them.

ADHD teens need this because life is more challenging for them as compared to teens without ADHD. Teens with ADHD often feel like they’re letting others down when they’re unable to follow through on their commitments.

Saying positive things to your teens and framing feedback constructively will build their self-esteem. For instance, rather than accusing your teen of not studying when he or she receives a bad grade, explore what factors contributed to the bad grade. Have a discussion with your teen about what you can do to help.

Focus on the progress your teen is making, and celebrate even small successes.

This way, when your ADHD teen needs assistance solving a problem or making a decision, he or she will be more likely to turn to you.

Words of encouragement like “I appreciate it when you complete your chores” and “You’re getting better at this” will mean a lot to your teen too.

6. Give clear and effective directions

Parenting approaches that work for non-ADHD teens don’t always work for ADHD teens.

For instance, you might be used to saying, “Please get dressed, make your bed, and eat your breakfast.”

The problem is that a teen with ADHD might hear, “Please get dressed, blah, blah, blah.”

This is because your teen is thinking about what to wear or trying to pack his bag, so he can’t process the rest of your request.

Try to give only one instruction at a time. It may also be useful for you to write down the morning routine in concise steps. When your teen is distracted or having difficulty figuring out what to do next, he or she can refer to the list to get back on track.

When teens receive clear and effective directions, they’ll be able to complete tasks more easily. As a result, they’ll feel better about themselves too.

7. Create an ADHD-friendly study environment

ADHD teens need to be actively engaged with what they’re learning.

If you’re wondering how to help your teenager study more effectively, it’s not as difficult as you might think.

One of the best ways to create a suitable study environment for your teen is to have room for movement.

When your teen feels restless, encourage him or her to get up and move around. Your teen can schedule a five-minute break where he or she can jog on the spot or do a set of jumping jacks.

In addition, studies have shown that having something to fidget with while studying leads to better concentration in ADHD teens.

They also need to find creative ways to learn. The more they engage with a subject, the more information they’ll retain.

They can do mini science experiments, create fun math problems, and think of real-world applications of the concepts they’re learning. The more interactive the learning approach, the more focused they’ll be.

Conclusion

When it comes to parenting ADHD teens, communication is key.

Teens with ADHD need extra support and understanding in order to thrive.

The best way to do this is through communicating expectations, being present, maintaining a positive attitude, and being a source of continual encouragement.

As you work together with your teen, you’ll build the right foundation for your teen to find long-term success and fulfilment!

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How to Communicate With Teenagers (11 Actionable Tips for Parents)

Updated on July 2, 2024 By Daniel Wong 4 Comments

Are you having trouble communicating with your teen?

As a parent, you know that communication is key.

But your teenager may not be opening up to talk to you about day-to-day matters, much less difficult ones.

I coach teens for a living, so I often speak with parents who are struggling to find ways to open the lines of communication with their teens.

Communication can be complex, but the good news is that parenting teens is a skill that you can get better at.

(I’m a father of three myself, so I know there’s always room for me to improve as a parent!)

In this article, I’ll discuss the topic of how to talk to your teenagers so they’ll listen to you and behave responsibly.

Apply the tips below and your relationship with your teen will become stronger too!

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11 tips for communicating with teenagers

How should I talk to my teenager?

If you find yourself asking this question, you’re in the right place.

Learning how to communicate with your teen is essential to maintaining a healthy relationship. Here are some techniques you can use to improve how you and your teen talk to each other.

1. Lecture less, listen more

As a parent, it’s easy to fall into the routine of lecturing your teenagers.

After all, you have a lot of life experience and you want to share it with them. But studies have shown that long or angry lectures simply don’t work.

So find ways to actively engage with your teen. Ask them questions like:

“Is there anything I can do to help you feel better?”
“What did you learn through this experience?”
“How can I support you in this situation?”

Avoid saying things to your teen like:

“What’s wrong with you?”
“What were you thinking?”

By asking questions that engage your teen in a positive way, you’ll build a solid foundation of trust.

2. Break down communication barriers

A communication barrier will develop if you frequently nag, judge, or scold your teens.

When it comes to communication, emotional barriers prevent teens from feeling secure enough to talk about what’s going on in their lives. This can cause them to start lying.

For example, if you talk to your teenage daughter about changing her behaviour, don’t start the conversation by criticising her. Instead, empathise with her and make sure she feels safe opening up about her emotions.

If you want your teens to talk to you more, you must give them your attention. Listen to your teenagers without casting judgment, and avoid jumping in with unsolicited advice.

3. Don’t blame or shame your teen

When something goes wrong in your teen’s life, of course you want to help.

Teenagers will make mistakes, and that’s okay! It’s how they learn and gain wisdom.

When your teens come to you to talk, resist the urge to blame or shame them for whatever has happened.

Instead, be understanding and compassionate. Let your teenagers know that it’s okay that they made a mistake.

Help them to process their emotions and reflect on what they’ve learned through the situation.

By doing so, they’ll feel more comfortable sharing things with you.

4. Help your teen think things through

Too often, teenagers make impulsive decisions. It takes time and experience to understand that thinking things through leads to the best outcomes.

If you know or suspect that your teenager is struggling with a problem, check in to see what’s going on.

Whenever possible, help your teens to think through the situation so they can see things from a different perspective.

Over time, they’ll learn to do this on their own, which is a valuable skill they’ll be able to use for years to come.

5. Don’t let things escalate

As a parent, you’ll have tough days when the stress of everyday life gets to you.

At those times, it’s more likely that a conversation with your teen will result in a heated argument that hurts the relationship.

When the tension starts to rise, you could say something like:

“I need some time to think about this.”
“Let’s talk about this later, please. I need a bit of space to calm down.”

When you say things like that, you ensure that when you do sit down and talk with your teen, you’ll be able to have a calm discussion. This will show your teen that you care about and respect him or her.

6. Make it easy for your teen to engage with you

Is your teen withdrawn?

Sometimes, it’s hard for teens to talk to others about what’s happening in their lives because of a fear of being judged.

Keeping the lines of communication open is essential, especially during the teenage years of self-discovery.

Research has shown – not surprisingly – that when parents listen to their teens actively and attentively, their teens felt a greater sense of closeness, autonomy, and self-worth.

It’s challenging, but do your best to be that kind of parent to your teen every day!

7. Express empathy

Many teenagers feel as if no one understands what they’re going through.

This can cause them to feel lonely, anxious, or angry.

By communicating empathetically with your teen, you’re showing that you’re doing your best to understand how he or she feels.

When you say, “I know this seems unfair,” or “It must be frustrating to feel as if you don’t fit in,” you’re letting your teenager know that you’re trying to put yourself in his or her shoes.

Empathy is a healthy way to create understanding and deal with teenage attitude.

8. Refrain from using threats

Teenagers are developing their sense of identity apart from you, so it’s normal for them to test boundaries.

Your teens might say, “I’ll do it later,” when you’ve already made it clear that you need the chore done now.

As a parent, this is frustrating, and punishments or threats might seem like the most effective approach.

But threats rarely work, and only serve to damage the relationship you have with your teen.

What should you do instead?

Try communication strategies such as:

Giving your teenagers choices whenever possible
Connecting with them more and criticising them less
Talking to them about their hobbies and interests
Saying positive things to them every day

9. Be real with your teen

As a parent, you obviously want to have a great relationship with your teens. Don’t be afraid to tell them this.

Tell them that you love them, and show affection in the ways that they appreciate.

Rather than using “you” statements, which can feel accusatory, try using “I” statements that focus on how you feel.

Here’s an example:

“You” statement: “You’re not working hard enough.”
“I” statement: “I feel worried that you won’t do as well as you expect for the exam next week.”

And here’s one more example:

“You” statement: “You never complete your chores.”
“I” statement: “I really appreciate it when you complete your chores every day.”

To modify a quote by leadership expert Craig Groeschel: “Teens would rather follow a parent who is always real, rather than a parent who is always right.”

10. Apply active listening techniques

You may have heard of active listening before.

It’s the process of listening such that the other person feels heard and understood.

Active listening isn’t just about using specific techniques, but must come from a place of authenticity and empathy.

Make sure to really listen to what your teens are telling you by maintaining eye contact, asking clarifying questions, and using phrases like, “Tell me more.”

Nod periodically and keep your arms uncrossed. In this way, your teenagers will feel as if you’re fully present with them.

11. Focus on specific behaviours instead of making general statements

Avoid making general statements about what your teen is or isn’t doing that you’re concerned about.

For example, don’t tell your teens that they’re not managing their time well.

Instead, say that you noticed that they were on their phone for two hours straight after school. This is despite the fact that you know they have an incomplete project that’s due tomorrow.

When you focus on specific behaviours, your teenagers will be less likely to turn defensive.

You’ll then be able to work together with them to find an acceptable solution.

Conclusion

Everything worth doing in life requires effort and commitment.

It definitely requires lots of effort and commitment on your part to be able to communicate effectively with your teens.

But it’s worth it.

So I encourage you to start using the communication techniques listed in this article today!

If you like this article, please share it with your friends.

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Helping Teens With Anxiety: 5 Proven Tips

Updated on January 14, 2025 By Daniel Wong Leave a Comment

It isn’t easy to help teens with anxiety.

You try to reassure them that everything will be okay, but their fears and doubts are paralysing.

You hate to see your teens struggling, but nothing you say seems to ease their worries.

First off, know that you’re not alone.

Anxiety is one of the most common mental health disorders, and anxiety in teens has increased over the years.^[1]

Having said this, everyone feels anxious sometimes, and that’s okay!

Anxiety is a persistent feeling of worry or dread that something terrible will happen in situations that aren’t actually threatening. These feelings can persist even after the event has passed.

Physical changes like increased blood pressure, nausea, and tremors are common.^[2]

It’s crucial that your teenagers learn how to cope with anxiety so that they can face challenges head-on.

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5 tips to help teenagers deal with anxiety

Let’s explore research-backed strategies to equip your teens to develop this important life skill, which will serve them well into the future.

1. Don’t solve your teenagers’ problems for them

Your teens get home from school, slump on the sofa, then immediately begin to complain about their never-ending to-do list.

You already know that they feel social pressure to fit in at school. And now they’re facing additional stress because of their academics and extracurricular activities.

No wonder they feel anxious!

As a parent, it’s natural for you to want to fix your teens’ problems. So, when you hear your teens venting, it can be tempting to say things like:

“If you’re so worried about the test next week, why don’t you start studying now?”
“Don’t worry so much about what other people think. Everything is going to be okay!”
“You should put your phone away whenever you’re doing your work. Then you won’t have trouble meeting all your deadlines.”

Here’s the thing about helping teens with anxiety…

They don’t need a lecture from you, and they don’t need you to fix the situation. They need to know that you’re trying hard to understand their feelings and perspective.

I recommend that you use active listening techniques as frequently as you can.

Give your teens your full attention and try not to offer unsolicited advice. Demonstrate that you empathise with your teens’ feelings by saying something like:

“It sounds like you feel a lot of pressure to juggle your responsibilities, and you’re afraid that you’re not going to be able to fulfil all your responsibilities well.”

Such emotional validation helps teens understand that it’s okay for them to be worried or afraid.^[3] Over time, your teens will feel less overwhelmed and more capable of confronting challenging scenarios.

2. Help your teenagers practise coping skills

The global COVID-19 pandemic upended the lives of teenagers around the world.

School closings led to social isolation and a lack of routine, and many teenagers are still struggling with the unpredictability of it all.

A University of Calgary study reveals that depression and anxiety have doubled in children and adolescents since pre-pandemic times.^[4]

When it comes to helping teenagers who have anxiety, it’s vital to equip them with the tools to deal with feelings of doubt, fear, and uncertainty. Here are two coping skills and strategies that you can encourage your teens to practise:

Breathing exercises

Rapid and shallow breathing is a natural reaction to anxiety.

What’s the problem with this?

Shallow breaths make anxiety worse — and can even lead to panic attacks.^[5]

Teach your teens to take slow, deep, and steady breaths. As clinical psychologist Juli Fraga says: “Deep breathing can help intense sensations, experiences, and emotions feel less threatening.”

Journaling

If your teens have a difficult time talking about their anxiety, invite them to try journaling. They’ll probably find that their thoughts are less scary when they’re written down.

Here are some apps that make it easy for teens to journal regularly. By doing so, their anxious thoughts won’t creep into every moment of the day.

3. Encourage your teenagers to volunteer

When it comes to working with teens who have anxiety, sometimes the best solution is to start doing things for the benefit of others.

Research shows that volunteering helps our overall mental well-being.^[6] One reason for this is that serving others releases dopamine, which reduces stress and increases positive emotions.

I’ve noticed the benefits of volunteering first-hand with my coaching clients.

When teenagers are engaged in helping others, they often become more grateful. They learn to think beyond themselves, which gives them a sense of purpose and meaning.^[7]

If your anxious teens are hesitant to volunteer, don’t force them into it. Instead, find a community activity or service-learning project that you can participate in as a family.

Your teen will see that you, too, are committed to giving back — and you’ll strengthen your relationship with your teen in the process.

4. Encourage your teenagers to take care of their physical health

Sometimes, simple lifestyle changes are what it takes to decrease teenage anxiety.

According to Harvard Health Publishing, sleep problems are widespread in individuals with anxiety.

That probably doesn’t come as a surprise.

It can be a vicious cycle — teenagers can’t sleep when they’re anxious, yet they feel overwhelmed because they’re not well-rested!

If your teenagers struggle to sleep, try helping them to:

Limit screen and phone time before bed.
Avoid bright lights at night.
Develop an evening routine. This could include a hot shower, reading a book, or relaxing with a cup of caffeine-free tea.
Get morning sunlight whenever possible.

When it comes to helping anxious teens, exercise matters, too.

Physical activity stimulates the production of serotonin and endorphins, both of which positively affect teens’ ability to manage stress and anxiety.^[8] And teens don’t necessarily need to join a gym — a brisk 15-minute walk will do the trick.

It’s also important to promote healthy eating habits.

When we’re worried, it’s tempting to make a bee-line for a soda or candy bar, but sugar and caffeine can worsen anxiety.^[9]

I suggest keeping healthy foods easily accessible. Here are a few of my favourites that will enable your teenagers to study smarter while keeping anxiety at bay:

Blueberries
Almonds
Eggs
Dark chocolate
Yogurt

5. Pay attention to your teenagers’ strengths

The teenage years are a curious time of transition.

Teens’ brains are changing, and they’re seeking more autonomy. At the same time, they’re discovering their personality, talents, and interests.

As your teens navigate these changes, it’s natural for them to sometimes question their self-worth.

Negative thoughts might start to seep in, such as: “Why am I such a failure?” or “Do my friends actually like me?”

Say positive things to your teens often. Celebrate their unique strengths, and encourage self-compassion.

Your teens will gradually learn to become okay with their flaws, thus reducing their anxiety levels and building self-esteem.

In closing…

I know it’s challenging to watch your teens struggle.

But the next time you have the urge to fix their problems, use these 5 proven tips instead.

You’ll help your teenagers to develop essential skills and habits, no matter what challenges come their way.

Depending on the situation, they may need some extra support.

Maybe they’ve experienced a traumatic life event. Or maybe, even after implementing the tips in this article, they still can’t stop worrying — and it’s crippling them.

If so, the 1-to-1 coaching programme I offer will help. Through this coaching programme, I equip teens with the mindset and tools to overcome these problems and thrive. You can learn more about the coaching programme here.

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References for this article:

1. Data and Statistics on Children’s Mental Health. (2022).
https://www.cdc.gov/children-mental-health/data-research/

2. Stress vs. anxiety – Knowing the Difference Is Critical to Your Health. (2018).
https://www.mentalhealthfirstaid.org/external/2018/06/stress-vs-anxiety/

3. Six Ways You Can Validate a Teen (And Anyone Else!). (2020).
https://evolvetreatment.com/blog/six-ways-validate-teens/

4. Depression And Anxiety Double In Youth Compared to Pre-Pandemic. (2021).
https://www.forbes.com/sites/williamhaseltine/2021/08/25/depression-and-anxiety-double-in-youth-compared-to-pre-pandemic/?sh=36920882139f

5. How shallow breathing affects your whole body. (2020).
https://www.headspace.com/articles/shallow-breathing-whole-body

6. How Volunteering Can Help Your Mental Health. (2018).
https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_volunteering_can_help_your_mental_health

7. Five Ways to Help Teens Build a Sense of Self-Worth. (2018).
https://www.mindful.org/five-ways-to-help-teens-build-a-sense-of-self-worth/

8. 5 lifestyle changes that may help with managing anxiety or depression. (2022).
https://newsroom.uhc.com/health/coping-with-anxiety-depression.html

9. The 4 Worst Foods for Your Anxiety. (2021).
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/surprising-foods-trigger-anxiety

How to Handle an Angry Teen: 20 Strategies You Can Deploy Today

Updated on January 22, 2025 By Daniel Wong Leave a Comment

Dealing with an angry teen is like standing in the middle of a hurricane.

What’s the best way to deal with the situation?

Should you match your teenagers’ anger with your anger? Should you threaten them with the loss of privileges?

Or should you give in and hope they won’t blow up again?

Over the years, I’ve spoken to and worked with over 20,000 teenagers. This means that I’ve also interacted with many confused and frustrated parents.

Teens’ anger isn’t something you can prevent or control. But how you respond to it is something you can control.

Here are 20 strategies to help you navigate these challenging situations.

(Download the free PDF below to learn 5 bonus strategies.)

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1. Remember the “boiling kettle” analogy

When your teen is angry, think of the “boiling kettle” analogy.

When a kettle boils, steam comes out of the spout. But the steam is just a “symptom” of the water boiling.

To stop the steam from coming out, you need to turn off the fire.

Similarly, your teen’s anger is a symptom too. It’s the visible part of something deeper that is causing your teen’s problematic behaviour.

In the boiling kettle analogy, it’s the fire that’s the “root cause” of the steam.

It’s the same with your teen. So don’t focus on the anger itself. Instead, find the root cause of the anger:

Does your teen feel unloved?
Does your teen feel neglected?
Is your teen suffering from body image issues?
Is your teen a victim of bullying?
Is your teen struggling with anxiety?

(The list of questions above isn’t exhaustive.)

Your teen can learn anger management techniques. But if the underlying issues aren’t addressed, then the anger problem will persist.

2. Remember that your teen’s behaviour isn’t a reflection of your competence as a parent

The teenage years are a difficult time for your child.

Huge hormonal changes are taking place and – at the same time – your child’s brain is changing rapidly.

Many parents take their teenager’s behaviour personally. They may feel guilty and may feel as if they’ve messed up as parents. They may start obsessing over the mistakes they’ve made as parents.

But it’s important to remember that even if there was such a thing as a perfect parent (which there isn’t), no child would turn out perfect.

The physical changes taking place inside your teenager would still create at least some turmoil.

Of course, your teenager’s anger may be directed at you. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re a bad parent.

Try to look at the situation objectively.

As an adult, you have inner resources that your teenager doesn’t. You have more control over your emotions, which means that you have the ability to defuse a heated situation.

It will often seem as though your teenager is verbally assaulting you. But this is where you need to exercise self-control.

Instead of reacting violently to your teenager’s anger, see her anger as a cry for help.

Teenagers haven’t yet learned how to manage their emotions. Instead of asking for help, they often bottle up their emotions until they explode in an angry outburst.

This can be triggered by a combination of school-related pressure, friendship issues, and an emotionally unsafe home environment.

3. Hear your teen out, even if he or she is sharing negative feelings

When teens share their thoughts and feelings, much of what they say may be negative.

For example, they may complain about their teachers, or about how much homework they’re getting, or about certain school rules.

Your teen’s view of the situation might be imbalanced, but refrain from interrupting him.

Your teen wants to know that you’re trying to understand how he feels about the situation. This means you need to put aside your own views for a while and listen to your teen.

Resist the temptation to correct your teen and tell him how he should view the situation. Try not to minimise the situation by moralising or by informing him that “that’s life”.

If you cast judgment, your teen will be less likely to share his feelings with you in the future. This would be damaging in the long run, because it’s vital to keep the lines of communication with your teen open.

The less your teen shares with you about his life, the harder it becomes for you to influence him. It will then become harder to coach your teen through the challenges ahead.

4. Explain the concept of cognitive distortions to your teen

Cognitive distortions are ways in which our minds convince us of something that isn’t true.

They are inaccurate thoughts about ourselves and the world around us. They often reinforce our negative thinking or emotions.

There are 15 common cognitive distortions and you can read about them here.

In this section, I’m going to describe three prevalent ones:

Filtering. This is when a person takes negative events and magnifies them. At the same time, they filter out the positive aspects of the situation.
Polarised thinking. This is when a person sees situations in extremes. Things are either black or white, with no middle ground between the two.
Overgeneralisation. This is where a single event is used to form a general conclusion. When something bad happens once, the person concludes that the bad thing will happen again in the future.

When we get angry, it’s almost always due to a cognitive distortion.

Try explaining this to your teenager. When she realises this, it will help her to manage her anger by looking at the situation through another lens.

In addition, as a parent, you may find it useful to refer to this brief summary of cognitive distortions that result in anger, created by Corner Canyon Counseling and Psychological Services.

Through understanding the various cognitive distortions that exist, your teenager will become aware of her flawed habits of thinking that she needs to change.

5. Don’t threaten your teen

When your teen becomes angry, you may feel tempted to use threats as a way of calming him down.

For example, you might say: “If you don’t calm down now, I’m going to take away your phone.”

Or you might say: “If you don’t stop shouting, you’ll be grounded for a month.”

But this approach won’t work in the long run.

If you use threats, your teen will resent you. Threats may work in the short term, but in the long term, they will damage the relationship you have with your teen.

What’s more, threats do nothing to resolve the anger issue.

Your teen’s anger is not just a behavioural problem. It’s a sign that something is wrong, that some emotional need is not being met.

6. Explain to your teen how he or she can express anger in an appropriate way

There’s no point in doing this while your teenager is still angry.

Wait until the episode has passed and your teenager is calm and relaxed.

Explain to her that all feelings are acceptable, but not all behaviours are acceptable. Explain to her that it’s okay to feel angry, and that there’s no need to feel guilty about it.

Share with her that there are ways to express anger without hurting others.

Teach your teenager how to recognise the signs that she’s on the verge of a meltdown:

Clenched jaw
Headache
Increase in heart rate
Sweaty palms
Dizziness

Tell your teenager that when she’s angry, she doesn’t need to act on her feelings right away.

Ask your teenager to practise counting to ten slowly, or to try this breathing exercise:

Breathe in for four counts
Hold your breath for four counts
Breathe out for four counts

7. Discuss family rules related to expressing anger

When the situation has passed and everyone is calm, schedule a discussion about how everyone in the family will express their anger.

During the family discussion, decide on the boundaries your family will commit to.

Come to a consensus that these rules will apply to everyone in the family, including you as a parent.

For example, your family might decide that it’s not acceptable to:

Break things
Use vulgarities
Engage in name-calling
Storm off in the middle of a conversation
Slam the door
Kick or throw furniture around

This is a good opportunity to talk about the difference between feeling angry and being aggressive.

Make sure that everyone is on the same page with regard to the rules. You might find it helpful to write down the rules and put them somewhere visible, such as on the fridge door.

8. Call a timeout if the situation becomes heated

When a situation with your teen becomes heated, try calling a “timeout”. In fact, calling a timeout can be part of the family rules that we just talked about.

When tempers are flaring, there’s no point in allowing the situation to escalate further.

For example, you could say: “We’re both getting angry, so let’s please take a break. How about we discuss this again after dinner?”

If your teen persists in arguing, try to disengage. After all, conflicts are never resolved when the parties involved have lost their cool.

9. Keep the lines of communication with your teen open

Remember that one of the most important things you can do as a parent is to keep the lines of communication open.

Of course, this is easier said than done when you have an angry teenager on your hands.

Refrain from casting judgment, jumping to conclusions, or lecturing your teenager. If your teenager is angry, it means that he needs empathy (as discussed in Strategy #3).

Ask for your teenager’s opinion. Encourage him to share his point of view. Seek to understand his perspective.

By keeping the lines of communication open, your teenager will eventually share his feelings. As such, you’ll be able to get to the root of the issue.

10. Find a win-win (or at least no-lose) solution to every conflict

When dealing with any conflict with your teen, try to find a win-win solution.

Avoid an outcome where your teen feels that you won and she lost. Such outcomes will lead to your teen becoming even angrier.

For example, when setting boundaries related to curfew timings, phone usage, or screen time, be willing to negotiate with your teen.

This way, she will feel that she has a part to play in developing the solution. She won’t be resentful if she feels that she was involved in the process of setting the boundary.

Adult life involves plenty of compromise and negotiation, so this is a good opportunity to enable your teen to develop this life skill.

The solution you both agree on may be a compromise between what you want and what your teen wants. But if you can both live with it, it’s better than creating a rule that you simply impose by force.

11. Reach out to your teen’s teachers

If your teenager is becoming aggressive, reach out to his teachers. Let them know what you’ve observed about your teenager at home.

Your teenager’s teachers may have information to share that will help you understand why he is acting out.

Could it be that he is being ostracised by his classmates?

Maybe he is hanging out with bad company?

Or perhaps he is struggling to keep up with his schoolwork?

Your teenager’s teachers may be able to help you figure out why your teenager is being aggressive at home.

12. Model for your teen how to manage anger effectively

If your teen sees you losing your temper frequently, it will be hard for her to learn how to handle her anger.

Family life sometimes involves moments of conflict and anger. But when you get angry with a family member, model for your teen how to resolve the conflict peacefully.

Research shows that children who observe their parents having mild conflicts and resolving those conflicts display higher levels of emotional intelligence later on.

This principle applies to your relationship with your teen too. If you’ve lost your temper at your teen, apologise to her and make amends.

Many parents find it hard to apologise to their children. Some parents think that apologising is an act of weakness, or that it implies that they lack authority.

But this isn’t true.

When you offer a genuine apology to your teen, you’re modelling accountability. You’re showing your teen the importance of taking responsibility for your actions.

You’re also displaying humility, which will earn your teen’s respect.

13. Do something together with your teen that he or she enjoys

When your teenager displays anger at home, you may feel a need to deal with the issue right away.

But most of the time, this isn’t the best approach. For a start, take the focus away from the anger issue altogether.

Go and do something fun with your teenager. Watch a movie, go for a hike, visit an amusement park, or go bowling.

These activities will allow you to build a connection with your teenager. In turn, this will make it easier to understand the issues behind your teenager’s anger.

But if you keep trying to address the anger issue directly, you may end up backing your teenager into a corner.

She may start to feel that you view her as a problem that needs to be fixed, which will exacerbate the situation.

So spend meaningful time with your teenager and work on the relationship first.

14. Help your teen identify the triggers that set him or her off

Teens often lack awareness as to what triggers their emotional responses.

So it’s helpful to encourage your teen to reflect on what kinds of comments or situations trigger his anger.

Is it when someone makes a comment about his appearance or abilities? Or is it when he feels as if his character is being called into question?

Through this process of reflection, your teen will become more self-aware.

This self-awareness will allow him to identify the deeper issues that spark his anger. He can then begin to work on these issues in an intentional way.

15. Don’t treat your teen as a child

As children develop into teenagers, parents often struggle to adjust their parenting methods.

If you’re not careful, you might still be treating your teenager as if she’s a child, when she’s actually on the cusp of adulthood.

But there’s a powerful force at work in your teenager, which is urging her to develop her own identity. It’s pushing her toward independence, even if you might not think she’s ready for it.

If you keep talking to your teenager as you did when she was a child, she will likely rebel and display more anger.

Instead, try seeing your teenager as an adult who lacks experience. This will enable you to shift from being an authority figure to being a coach and mentor to your teenager.

This shift is vital if you want your teenager to make the most of her potential and overcome her anger issues.

16. Help your teen to develop problem-solving skills

Anger in teens often arises when they are confronted with a problem and can’t think of a constructive way to deal with it.

The problem can take many different forms:

A project team member who is not pulling his weight and is leaving your teen to do all the work
Classmates who are gossiping about your teen
A teacher who picks on your teen
Your teen being unable to stay on top of his schoolwork

If your teen lacks problem-solving skills, he may start to feel helpless. As a result, he may lash out in anger.

So I encourage you to teach your teen the steps of problem-solving:

Identify the problem
Think of at least 2 to 3 possible solutions
Evaluate each possible solution based on advantages and disadvantages
Choose a solution
Implement the solution
Reflect on how things turned out and what lessons you learned

When your teen is equipped with these problem-solving skills, he will feel more confident when confronted with a challenge.

Instead of feeling discouraged and frustrated, your teen will take positive steps toward overcoming the problem.

17. Develop family rules about screen time

If your teenager is aggressive, screen time might be a key contributing factor.

Too much screen time results in teenagers who are “wired and tired” – they’re agitated but exhausted at the same time.

Here are three ways that excessive screen time can lead to increased aggression in teenagers:

Suppression of melatonin. Melatonin is a sleep-inducing hormone that gets released at night. But the light emitted by the screens of various electronic devices mimics daylight. This suppresses the release of melatonin and affects your sleep.
Over-reliance on dopamine. Dopamine is a feel-good chemical released by your brain. Too much screen time causes the release of excessive amounts of dopamine. This creates a need in your teenager for ever-increasing levels of stimulation.
Overloading the sensory system. Screen time depletes your teenager’s mental resources, making her unable to process what’s happening around her. To cope with this, your teenager may become prone to angry outbursts.

These factors can lead to a state of stress and unease in your teenager, which further affects her ability to manage her anger.

Similar to what we talked about under Strategy #7, it’s crucial that you lead a discussion about family rules related to screen time.

For example, you might decide that – as a family – you…

Will not use electronic devices during mealtimes
Will not have a TV in your home
Will create a daily schedule for when you will have screen time
Will charge your electronic devices in the living room (not the bedroom) every night
Will not have any screen time within 1 hour of bedtime

18. Get help for your teen

As we’ve already discussed in this article, recurring episodes of anger is a clear sign that something deeper is going on with your teen.

Identifying the deeper issue isn’t always straightforward.

It’s necessary to take a holistic approach that investigates factors related to your teen’s physical, mental, and emotional well-being.

Parent-teen relationships are complicated. As the parent, you’re often too involved to be able to assess the situation objectively.

(I’m a parent of two myself, so I know this for a fact!)

Getting a neutral third party – who is also a professional – involved is often a key turning point, which results in your teen’s positive transformation.

I work with teens 1-to-1 to help them work through their anger issues. I also empower them to become motivated, responsible and resilient.

I encourage you to get help for your teen today before the situation worsens.

19. Don’t focus on winning the argument

As a parent, you’re used to being the authority figure in your home. It’s natural that you don’t want to lose face.

In an argument with your teenager, you may feel as if you have to win in order to maintain your position of authority.

But if you focus on winning the argument with your teenager, you may end up winning the battle but losing the war.

If your teenager always comes away from arguments feeling that he has lost, he will eventually stop talking to you about his problems.

Your teenager will start to resent you, which will fuel even more anger in him.

20. Aim to achieve the “5:1 ratio” in your relationship with your teen

Research has shown that for a healthy marriage, there is typically a ratio of at least five positive interactions for every negative interaction.

Having worked with teens for years, I’ve observed that this principle applies in the parent-teen relationship too.

Ensure that your positive interactions with your teen far outweigh the negative ones.

When your teen displays anger, remember that anger is often a symptom of low self-esteem.

The teenage years are difficult ones, and your teen is still trying to develop her own identity. As such, she probably struggles with some – if not many – self-esteem issues.

This is why it isn’t a good idea to continually criticise your teen. No adult likes to be criticised all the time either!

If you express constant disapproval of your teen, it will undermine her self-esteem. She’ll then become even angrier.

You may observe many things about your teen’s attitude and behaviour that warrant correction.

But remember the 5:1 ratio.

Ask yourself these questions:

Will it help the situation if I criticise my teen?
Is this a battle worth fighting, or can I let it go?
Is there a gentler way that I can address the issue?

So be sparing with your criticism, but be generous with your appreciation, kind words, and empathy.

Conclusion

Dealing with teenage anger is a complex issue.

It requires various parenting skills, including the ability to listen, empathise, and understand the underlying reason why your teen is angry.

It also requires that your teen develops the tools he or she needs to overcome the anger issue.

These tools include:

Understanding cognitive distortions
Becoming more aware of what triggers his or her anger
Acquiring problem-solving skills

If you get help for your teen and apply the strategies in this article, I’m confident that the situation will improve tremendously.

So don’t lose hope!

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