How to Deal With a Disrespectful Teenager: 10 Tips for Frustrated Parents

Updated on March 23, 2022 By Daniel Wong 171 Comments

Are you dealing with a disrespectful teenager?

Maybe he mutters under his breath when you ask him to do his homework.

Or maybe she slams her room door when you tell her that she can’t go out with her friends.

If so, you’re probably at your wits’ end.

You love your teenagers and you want the best for them.

But you also want them to accept that there are rules in your family, just as there are rules in the outside world.

Don’t be alarmed.

Disrespect towards parents is common as youngsters navigate the waters between childhood and adulthood.

But you can’t deal with disrespect by simply ignoring it. You need a strategy for how to deal with teenage attitude. There are things you need to do, and things you need to avoid doing.

This article explains 10 tips for successfully handling disrespectful and often rebellious teenagers.

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1. Understand the teenage brain

During childhood, there’s tremendous brain development. By age six, 95% of the brain’s structure has already been formed.

Picture it as a sudden development of the wiring of the brain.

The problem is that the new wiring hasn’t yet been connected to the key parts of the brain.

As Molly Edmonds writes, the teenage brain is like an entertainment centre whose components haven’t yet been hooked up.

There are loose wires everywhere. The speaker system hasn’t been connected to the DVD player. And the DVD player hasn’t been configured to work with the TV.

And as for the remote control – it hasn’t even arrived yet!

In this analogy, the remote control is the prefrontal cortex.

That’s the part of the brain that weighs outcomes, forms judgments, and controls impulses and emotions. But in the teenage brain, it hasn’t been properly connected yet.

What does this mean in practice?

It means teenagers can get frustrated easily, with themselves and with external situations. It makes them impulsive and subject to mood swings that you and I don’t experience.

That’s a heady cocktail that can turn teenagers into emotional wrecks.

Understanding that there’s a biological basis for your teenager’s difficult behaviour makes it much easier to deal with.

It helps you to focus on the behaviour rather than the person.

2. Think about the emotional needs underlying the behaviour

When teenagers are disrespectful to their parents, it’s sometimes a sign that they have emotional needs that aren’t being met.

Sometimes the disrespectful behaviour is a way of getting attention.

Other times, it’s an indication that they don’t feel accepted.

Sit down with your teenager and tell her that you’re there for her if she wants to talk about something. Remind her that you love her unconditionally. [Read more…]

12 Effective Parenting Skills Every Parent Should Have (Backed by Science)

Updated on November 19, 2022 By Daniel Wong 29 Comments

Do you want to have good parenting skills?

Of course you do.

You want to help your children make the most of their potential, and you want them to be contributing members of society.

But it’s time-consuming to sift through all the parenting tips out there.

What makes it more confusing is that the tips from different “parenting experts” are often contradictory!

I wanted to know what parenting skills and tips have been proven to be effective. So I read through all the scientific articles I could find.

Based on many hours of research, I’ve come up with this list of 12 good parenting skills. (If you’d like to discover another three skills effective parents have, download the free bonus below.)

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Research-backed good parenting skills

To become more effective as a parent, practise the skills that have been proven to get the best results.

These will become the parenting strengths you can then rely on to raise children who develop into confident, successful adults.

Parenting skill #1: Focus more on your children’s positive behaviour than negative behaviour.

Yale University psychology professor Alan Kazdin explains that parents should be intentional about focusing more on their children’s positive behaviour than on their negative behaviour.^[1]

The more parents scold or reprimand, the more the bad behaviour gets repeated.

When they receive a lot of scolding, children start to internalise the belief that “I’m a bad child who misbehaves and gets scolded”.

As such, they don’t feel motivated to correct their behaviour, because it has already become a part of their identity.

Effective parents understand that the better approach is to acknowledge or describe their children’s good behaviour when they see it.

You may have to go out of your way to do this. (You can also check out these 50+ positive things to say to your children.)

Approach this with patience and dedication and you’ll observe your children’s behaviour improving over time.

Parenting skill #2: Teach your children to focus on the needs of others.

Lara Aknin’s research shows that children find happiness through giving to others.^[2]

In fact, children find greater happiness when they give to others sacrificially.

These are interesting findings, because most of us are naturally self-centred. We look out for our own needs before the needs of others.

But the research indicates that if we overcome our selfish nature and focus on the needs of others, we’ll be happier.

If you want your children to lead joyful, fulfilling lives, teach them to serve others and contribute. Involve them in activities where they get to help others and make a positive impact.

When your children think more in terms of contribution and less in terms of achievement, they’ll be on the path of building a happy and successful life. [Read more…]

Want to Be a Better Parent? Ask Your Children 7 Simple Questions

Updated on June 29, 2020 By Daniel Wong Leave a Comment

As a parent, you want to raise children who are responsible and self-motivated.

You want them to do well in school, and you want them to communicate with you openly.

You also want to build a happy family.

But I’m sure you’ve already realised that you won’t achieve these goals easily.

Along the way, your children may have become disobedient, rebellious or disengaged. (This is especially likely if your children are pre-teens or teens.)

Your home environment may have become tense or even hostile.

If any of this sounds familiar to you, don’t worry. This article will help.

I don’t claim to be a parenting expert — I’m still learning how to raise my two young boys well.

But over the years I’ve spoken to and worked with thousands of pre-teens and teens. As such, I understand how to get through to them.

In this article, I’ll share with you seven simple questions to ask your children, which will help you to reach your parenting goals.

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Question #1: “What can I do to be a better parent?”

The simplest way to become a better parent is to ask your children what they think.

When you ask them Question #1, be prepared for an honest answer.

Your children may point out your flaws.

They may bring up incidents where you were unreasonable or inconsistent.

They may highlight ways in which you haven’t been a good role model.

Is this a scary proposition?

Yes.

But the feedback you get will be invaluable in helping you understand which parenting skills you need to develop. [Read more…]

What to Do If Your Teen Hates School: 15 Strategies That Work

Updated on January 31, 2023 By Daniel Wong 94 Comments

“My teenager hates school, and I don’t know what I should do!”

Maybe this describes the situation you’re in.

Does your teen say that he hates school?

Does he complain about his teachers and classmates, and about how “useless” school is?

Or maybe your teen complains that the people in school are “fake”, and that it’s hard to make friends?

If so, I’m sure you feel concerned.

You want to help your teen, but whatever you’ve tried so far hasn’t worked.

Don’t worry.

Given that I work with students — the majority of whom are teens — for a living, I know how common it is for teens to dislike school.

Nonetheless, this is still an issue that must be addressed.

There are many powerful strategies you can employ to help the situation. In this article, I’ll outline 15 of them.

(Download the free bonus below to learn five more strategies.)

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Why do teens hate school?

As a parent and as a coach who works with teenagers, I understand how challenging it can be to see your child hating school.

You don’t want your teens to be miserable, but you also want what’s best for them in the long term.

While academics aren’t everything, doing well in school does lead to more opportunities for scholarships, higher education, and employment.

Here’s the thing…

Before you can motivate your teenagers to enjoy school, you must understand why they dislike school in the first place.

For many students, school is like a roller coaster — full of nerve-racking lows and exhilarating highs. Threatening or lecturing your teens won’t help them navigate the heart-pounding ride.

Instead, let’s explore a few answers to the all-important question: “Why do teens hate school?”

They feel like they have no control over their lives

The teenage years are a time when they’re discovering their identity: their motivations, interests, values, and goals.

Teenagers are also growing up, which means that they’re developing their independence.

So, your teens want to feel in control of their lives.

But the traditional school setting typically gives them few opportunities to exert this control, outside of setting academic goals.

Most teenagers have few options with regard to which classes they’re taking, so they don’t get to study the topics that genuinely interest them.

Add jam-packed schedules and strict rules to the mix, and it’s no wonder that teens find school frustrating and sometimes pointless.

If your teen hates school, it could be a lack of autonomy that’s driving this feeling of resentment.

They feel overwhelmed and stressed

Waking up early. High-pressure extracurriculars. Exams, homework, and projects.

Teens today are more stressed than ever before. In fact, nearly one-third of teens report feeling overwhelmed, a figure on par with adult stress levels.

These statistics are a cause for concern.

As American Psychological Association CEO Norman B. Anderson, PhD says:

It is alarming that the teen stress experience is so similar to that of adults. It is even more concerning that they seem to underestimate the potential impact that stress has on their physical and mental health.

(If you’re concerned about your teen’s mental well-being, here are seven tips to support your child’s mental health.)

Help your teenager to manage stress effectively, and you might find that you no longer say that “my teenager hates school”.

They feel that school is just about getting good grades

Does your teen feel pressured to achieve outstanding grades?

Most students do. Yet academic success is about so much more than report cards and grades.

It’s important to show your teen that it’s not the outcome but the process that matters most.

Sure, it feels good to get excellent grades. But what’s more important are the valuable life skills your child gains along the way, e.g. critical thinking, organisation, planning, self-management.

If your teens feel the only purpose of school is to memorise facts and equations, they’ll struggle to find joy in the learning process.

They’re being bullied

Many parents don’t know when their teen is being bullied.

If you keep saying to yourself that “my teen hates school”, check in with your child to ensure that he or she isn’t being bullied.

Just because your teen hasn’t mentioned the issue doesn’t mean it isn’t happening.

If there’s bullying going on, don’t blame yourself. Instead, support your child and empathise with him or her as you find a solution together.

What to do if your child hates school

As we’ve seen, there’s typically a reason why your child doesn’t enjoy school.

Now, let’s explore 15 proven strategies that will help anytime you’re wondering what to do about your child hating school:

1. Don’t assume that your teen is being defiant or rebellious

As children enter the teenage years, they crave autonomy. They’re also forming their identity, all while their bodies and brains are going through drastic changes.

As such, teens often exhibit rebellious behaviour.

But don’t assume that this is the only reason your teen tells you she hates school.

Many times, there are other issues at play, e.g., feeling overwhelmed, struggling to keep up with schoolwork, bullying, fear of exams.

2. Think about what you’ve been doing that may have contributed to the problem

Here are some questions to ask yourself when you find yourself saying “my teenager hates school”:

Do I frequently nag my teen?
Do I always talk about school-related topics?
Do I talk as if my teen’s hobbies are a waste of time, or that they’re merely a distraction from her schoolwork?
Do I compare my teen with her friends, cousins or siblings?
Do I overemphasise the importance of performing well in school?
Do I frequently force or coerce my teen into doing schoolwork?
Do I sign my teen up for classes or programmes without first seeking her consent?

On their own, none of these behaviours will result in you having a disrespectful teenager who hates school.

But in combination, they’ll likely cause a power struggle between you and your teen.

Over time, your teen may develop even more negative emotional associations with school.

3. Use active listening techniques when talking to your teen about the issue

When you talk to your teen about why he hates school (and when you talk to him about other topics too), use active listening techniques such as the following:

Give your teen your full attention
Don’t multitask
Don’t interrupt your teen while he’s talking
Encourage your teen to keep talking, e.g. by saying “go on” or “tell me more”
Empathise with your teen
Seek to understand how he is feeling
Don’t judge
Don’t moralise
As far as possible, don’t provide unsolicited advice
Occasionally summarise what you think your teen has been saying and reflect it back to him, e.g. “It sounds like you feel as if your math teacher doesn’t explain the concepts well, so you dislike math.”

By using active listening techniques, your teen will be more likely to share with you what’s troubling him.

4. Don’t use threats

It’s tempting for parents to use threats to coerce their teens into behaving “correctly”.

Whether it’s threatening to reduce your teen’s allowance or take away her phone, it won’t work in the long run.

The use of power becomes less effective as children get older. By the time they’re teenagers, this approach doesn’t work, and tends to backfire instead.

In other words, it isn’t possible to threaten your teen into becoming a motivated and responsible student who loves going to school.

If your teen detests school, the root cause is probably emotional in nature. This is what must be addressed as a priority.

5. Don’t lecture

“My teen hates school — should I lecture him or her?”

Perhaps that’s the question on your mind.

I advise parents to avoid lecturing their teens. But if you really can’t help it, keep the lecture short.

Teens tell me that they start tuning their parents out about two minutes into the lecture. So you’ll be wasting your breath if your lecture lasts longer than that.

Your teen won’t respond well to you preaching about the importance of school. Nor will he start or stop performing specific behaviours because you told him that he “should” or “shouldn’t” do those things.

(When was the last time you started eating healthily just because a relative or friend told you that you “should”?)

Lecturing won’t help your teen’s anxiety either, if that’s something he’s struggling with.

Even students who have an intense hatred for school know that doing well in school is important. They don’t need you to remind them of that, because their teachers do that almost every day.

What does your teen need from you?

He needs you to listen to him, to understand him, to see things from his perspective – this is a parenting skill I encourage you to develop.

When your teen feels understood, he’ll change his behaviour and attitude.

6. Reduce your focus on school and academics

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t bring up school-related topics at all.

But many teens have told me that it seems as if school is the only thing their parents care about. And it’s true that many parents I talk to are mostly interested in how to get their teenagers to do their homework.

So make it a point to talk about topics that your teen is interested in, e.g. music, hobbies, gaming, social media.

When the conversations you have with your teen are more balanced, your teen’s attitude toward school will become more balanced too.

7. Help your teen to learn organisational and study skills

Many students who don’t like school feel overwhelmed by schoolwork, projects, tests, exams, etc.

Most of these students haven’t learned how to prioritise, plan, stay organised, manage their time, and focus when studying.

If this describes your teen, encourage – but don’t force – her to develop these skills. To do so, she can check out relevant resources and sign up for programmes.

This is the reason why I’ve developed courses like The Perfect Study Plan, and why I coach students 1-to-1.

When students develop the necessary organisational skills and apply effective study tips, they often stop hating school!

8. Acknowledge your teen’s progress and effort

One piece of feedback I get from many teens is that they’re discouraged.

They feel as if they’ll never be good enough to live up to their parents’ expectations.

Instead of focusing on your teen’s grades, focus on their effort instead. Whenever you observe her exhibiting positive behaviour, acknowledge it.

This simple act will mean a lot to her. It will also remind her that the reward is found in the journey itself, not just the destination.

By acknowledging her progress, she’ll be more likely to develop intrinsic motivation.

9. Talk to your teen’s teachers

Reach out to your teen’s teachers. Given that they interact with your teen almost every day, they’re likely to have insights into why he hates school.

All the teachers I know are insanely busy. So even if you’re only able to schedule a 10-minute phone call with your teen’s teacher, make the most of the opportunity.

10. Talk to the parents of your teen’s friends

On a related note, to get a better picture of what’s going on, talk to the parents of your teen’s friends.

These parents would have heard from their children about what’s been frustrating them at school. Based on this feedback, you’ll understand your teen’s concerns better too.

11. Ensure that your home is an emotionally safe environment

Teens frequently tell me that they don’t feel emotionally safe at home.

Why do they say this?

Because they feel that when they’re at home, they can be nagged, criticised, blamed, reprimanded or lectured to at any time. They feel as if they can be “attacked” without forewarning.

It’s only natural that they withdraw, locking themselves in their room if possible.

If the home environment isn’t emotionally safe, teens won’t share what’s on their minds. This will only make the situation worse, and you’ll keep wondering why your teen hates school so much.

When parenting teens, do your best to cultivate a home environment that’s full of appreciation, respect and kindness.

Emphasise that there are standards that must be upheld, but that every family member will always receive unconditional acceptance.

12. Determine if there’s something more serious going on

If your teen says that she hates school, it may be a sign of something more serious, e.g. depression, panic disorder, anxiety disorders.

Here are some symptoms to look out for:

Feeling tired most of the time
Poor concentration
Feeling worthless
Feelings of self-hatred
Changes in appetite
Irritability
Persistent sadness
Self-harm
Thoughts of suicide
Loss of interest in hobbies
Change in sleep habits
Frequent crying
Withdrawing from friends and family
Loss of motivation to study or do schoolwork

If your teen is exhibiting several of these symptoms, seek help right away.

13. Ensure that your teen’s life isn’t overscheduled

Sometimes, teens who hate school are simply worn out. They feel overwhelmed by the demands of school, extracurricular activities, etc.

They may be physically exhausted and sleep-deprived. This affects their mood, which makes them more likely to perceive situations negatively.

Teens need time to think, reflect, explore and dream.

Do what you can to ensure that your teen’s life isn’t overscheduled. Over time, you’ll see improvements in his attitude toward school.

14. Be patient and encouraging toward your teen

No matter how old we are, we’re all on a journey of learning, growing and maturing.

It’s a process for your teen to change her mindset, so be patient with her.

Encourage her. Support her. Empathise with her. Listen to her. Remind her that you’ll be with her every step of the way.

As you implement the other strategies listed in this article, you’ll see improvements such that you no longer think to yourself that “my teenager hates school”.

15. Help your teen to find a mentor

Teens who detest school need some perspective on their situation.

It’s hard for teens to develop this perspective because their problems seem so overwhelming.

From their point of view, the situation might even appear hopeless.

Furthermore, teens spend the majority of their waking hours surrounded by their peers, who have a similar worldview. This makes it even more challenging for teens to view their situation through a different lens.

Parents have a difficult time getting through to teens. This is because parents’ guidance is often perceived as nagging or lecturing.

This is the reason your teen needs a mentor. The benefits of having a mentor are well-documented, which is why I mentor teens to help them become motivated, responsible, and resilient.

Your teen is just one mentor away from making the most of his potential!

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

Is hating school normal?

While I’m not fond of the term normal, I will say it’s common for teens to dislike things related to school.

Just remember, most teenagers aren’t rebellious for the sake of it. There’s likely a good reason for their frustrations, so it’s crucial to apply the tips in this article to get to the root of the issue.

What can I do if my teenager refuses to go to school?

It’s tempting to scold and lecture your teenagers if they refuse to go to school.

But nagging your teens won’t work. More often than not, it will exacerbate the problem.

The good news is that there are tactics you can use to deal with challenging teenagers. Read my top 10 tips for dealing with disrespectful teens here.

How do you motivate an intelligent but unmotivated teenager?

Do you feel like your teenager doesn’t work hard enough or plan for the future, even though you know he or she is intelligent?

Or maybe your teen lacks motivation and gets distracted easily?

If so, you’re not alone. There’s a huge number of parents trying to figure out how to motivate a teenager to study and perform better in school.

I have good news for you…

I’ve spoken to and worked with more than 20,000 students around the globe. I’ve discovered that the vast majority of unmotivated teenagers want to do well in school. They simply lack the necessary mindset and skills to do so.

That’s why I wrote a free e-book to help parents learn how to motivate their teens. Discover my 16 keys to motivating teenagers here.

Do most teens hate school?

While I’m hesitant to say that most teens hate school, many do.

I know it’s frustrating to see that your children dislike school. But if you work with them day by day — by implementing the tips in this article — to embrace a new attitude, you’ll start to see improvements.

Conclusion: Huge changes occur one tiny step at a time

No matter how dire your teen’s situation may seem, remember that there’s always hope.

I’ve worked with teens who have gone from being unmotivated school-haters to being driven, focused, and independent learners.

Of course, the transformation to become happy, successful students didn’t happen overnight.

(I went through my own transformation as a teen, which you can read about here if you’re interested.)

But change is possible.

As is often said, “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.”

In the same way, huge changes occur one tiny step at a time. So apply the strategies described in this article, as well as the bonus strategies you can get access to at the end of this article.

With your love, support, and guidance, your teen can experience a transformation too!

Like this article? Please share it with your friends.

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The 53 Most Positive Things to Say to Your Child

Updated on October 27, 2021 By Daniel Wong 4 Comments

Do you focus on positive things to say to your child, or do you often nag?

If you answered “yes” to the latter, you’re not alone.

You want your children to be responsible and independent.

You want them to be motivated to do well in school.

Since they’re not there yet, you instinctively nag them to correct their behaviour and attitude.

But, at the same time, you realise that all this nagging isn’t working.

Sound familiar?

If so, this article is for you.

I’ve had years of experience working with and speaking to thousands of children and teenagers. So I understand the factors that help them become mature, responsible, and successful.

And one of the most important factors is how their parents talk to them.

The words you speak to your children play on repeat in their minds (even if it feels like your kids aren’t listening to a thing you say). So positive words for your children matter.

Share words of inspiration with your kids and they’ll likely grow into more kind, responsible, and respectful adults.

Plus, the more positive interactions between the parent and child, the less likely it is that the parent will need to nag the child in order to gain compliance.

When you speak words of encouragement to your kids, it’s also more likely that a strong parent-child bond will form.

Think back to your childhood for a moment…

Do you remember any inspiring words from your parents or teachers? Those positive statements helped you become the adult you are today.

In fact, there’s a supposed “magic ratio” of 5 to 1 in healthy relationships: 5 positive expressions of feelings and actions for every negative expression.

In this article, I’ll share with you 53 positive things to say to your child so that — in the long run — you won’t need to nag them anymore!

Before we get to the list of encouraging things to say to your kids, here’s a bonus for you…

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Enter your email below to download a free poster that contains the top 12 positive things to say to your children. You can print out the poster as a daily reminder of the phrases to use.

[Read more…]

50 Ways to Get Your Kids to Respect You

Updated on January 24, 2022 By Daniel Wong 6 Comments

Isn’t it frustrating?

You try hard as a parent. You do so much for your children, but they’re frequently not respectful toward you.

Sometimes they ignore what you say, or they talk back to you. They even ask you to stop nagging.

I’ve spoken to and worked with close to 25,000 children and teenagers so far, so I know how to get your kids to respect you.

When I say “respect”, I’m referring to a sense of admiration and honour that your children have toward you.

I’m not referring to your children feeling afraid of you.

In other words, if you want to get your children to respect you, you’ll need to earn it.

What is respectful parenting?

“Treat other people the way you want to be treated.”

You’ve likely heard this saying countless times before. Maybe you’ve even repeated it to your children.

We all know we should show others the respect we want to receive, but sometimes that’s easier said than done — especially when it comes to our kids.

The thing is, our children are people, too. Respectful parenting means treating them as such.

Rather than telling your children to respect you simply because you’re the authority figure, respectful parenting is about building a mutually respectful relationship with your kids — one where your children know they’re supported, heard and valued.

How to teach your kids respect

We’ve all been there…

After a long, stressful day, your children won’t stop arguing with you about one more hour of screen time.

When they badger you with the dreaded Why not, you resort to Because I said so.

It’s a quick-fix when you’re at your wits’ end.

The only problem?

Your children start to feel as if you don’t value or respect their opinion.

Now, I’m not saying you should give your kids everything they want. But when you demonstrate respectful parenting and practise positive reinforcement and reciprocity, your kids will understand the appropriate behaviour to model.

That means more respectful children — and a more harmonious family life, too.

Teaching kids about respect doesn’t have to be an ongoing battle. Let’s look at 50 tips for teaching children respect today.

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1. Respect your children

Wondering how to get your kids to respect you?

Children learn from watching you, and they’re likely to copy your behaviour. When you demonstrate basic respect toward your children, they’ll demonstrate respect toward you.

Again, I’m not saying that you should let your children walk all over you. But I am saying that you shouldn’t belittle or shame them, nor should you criticise them harshly.

2. Focus more on the relationship than the rules

You don’t need to throw out the rulebook.

Just show your children that you value the parent-child relationship by speaking kindly to them and trying to understand their perspective.

3. Be a person of integrity

Be honest when talking to your children.

When they see that you’re a person of integrity, you’ll gain their respect.

4. Don’t overreact

Try not to overreact to your children’s less-than-ideal behaviour, even when you’re feeling stressed.

When you stay calm and respond appropriately, they’re more likely to respond in kind too.

5. Assume your position as leader of the home

Being a leader isn’t just about being in charge. It’s also about setting a good example and inspiring others to do their best.

Behaving like a leader also means being compassionate.

When you empathise with your children, they’ll be more open to your suggestions and opinions.

6. Share your values and beliefs with your children

You can’t force your children to adopt your beliefs. But when your children understand why you believe what you believe, they’ll recognise that you’re a person of principles.

7. Be reasonable (especially when your children are being unreasonable)

Sometimes it’s frustrating being a parent, but try to stay calm. Remember that the way you behave when you’re angry is the way they’re likely to behave when they’re agitated too.

Be the bigger person, and don’t resort to name-calling or cheap shots – even if you feel like your children deserve it.

8. Don’t be overly critical of your children

When parents are overly critical, their children start to resent them and become rebellious and argumentative.

Instead, acknowledge your children’s good behaviour and focus more on the process than the end result. You’ll no longer worry how to get your kids to respect you.

9. Listen to your children

Part of being respectful is listening to the other person.

When you listen to your children, you’ll find they’re more likely to listen to you.

This is especially so if you use active listening techniques, as described here.

10. Involve your children in the process of setting rules and boundaries

When you involve your children in setting rules, they feel valued.

Just like adults, children appreciate having control over their lives.

Of course, this doesn’t mean they get to set whatever rules they want. It means you’ll listen to their views and take them into account as you seek to arrive at a no-lose solution.

11. Respect your children’s privacy

As children and teenagers get older, they need more privacy.

If they feel as if their privacy isn’t being respected, they’ll become rebellious.

Just as you wouldn’t want other people reading your journal entries, text messages and emails, you shouldn’t infringe on your children’s privacy in that way either.

12. Set an example for your children to follow

Your children are watching you, whether or not you realise it.

Demonstrate the behaviour you want to see in them, and practise what you preach.

If you don’t, your children won’t respect you.

13. Acknowledge your children’s effort and good behaviour

Your children want your approval, so it’s important to recognise their effort, particularly if they’ve tried hard.

This principle applies even in situations when the outcome isn’t ideal.

When you appreciate their efforts, they’ll feel proud of themselves, and they’ll feel motivated to try hard next time.

14. Don’t discipline your children when you’re angry

When you’re angry, you’re more likely to overreact or say things you might regret.

Instead, show your children that it’s OK to be angry, but that it’s possible to manage your emotions effectively.

15. Ask for your children’s opinion

How to get your kids to respect you? One powerful way is to ask them for their opinion.

They’ll feel more appreciated and respected if you do this.

You can ask them where they’d like to eat for dinner, or what they’d like to do for your family time activity.

Doing this demonstrates that you value their opinions, which means they’ll be more likely to value your opinions too.

16. Be firm but kind

Sometimes your children won’t agree with your decision. In such situations, the key to preventing arguments – and tears – is to be firm but kind.

Don’t let yourself be drawn into an argument.

Hear your children out, empathise with them, but stick to your decision if it’s an issue that’s non-negotiable.

17. Don’t assume that you understand how your children feel

When your children share their problems with you, don’t tell them that you know exactly what they’re going through.

You’ll form a better connection with them if you ask them how they feel and do your best to understand their perspective.

18. Seek to understand your children’s emotions

This point is related to the previous one. Especially when your children are displaying problematic behaviours, get to the root of the issue.

My experience tells me that, at the heart of it, it’s almost always an emotional issue, so you can’t just focus on “fixing” the problematic behaviour.

19. Establish clear expectations

When expectations are unclear, there’s room for misunderstanding.

Establish clear expectations with regard to curfew, homework, chores, family commitments, etc.

This will reduce the number of conflicts that arise between you and your children, which means that your parent-child relationship will grow stronger.

20. If you lecture your children, keep it short

It’s best to avoid lecturing your children. But if you find this to be impossible, then keep the lecture short – ideally 10 minutes or less.

If the lecture is too long, your children will tune out and just pretend that they’re listening, when they’re not.

21. Stay calm

If you want to learn how to get your kids to respect you, show your children that you’re able to control your emotions.

Step away from the situation if you need to, and address the issue only when you’ve regained your composure.

Conflicts never get resolved in the heat of the moment, so do your part to remain calm.

22. Don’t threaten your children

Parents who resort to using threats have more arguments with their children in the long run. They also get a lot less respect from their children.

Instead of using threats, involve them in the process (Point #10), be firm but kind (Point #16), and set clear expectations (Point #19).

23. Give your children choices whenever possible

Allowing your children to make choices empowers them. It gives them a sense of control and ownership over their lives.

It also reduces the number of arguments that break out.

For example, instead of telling your 11-year-old to take a jacket with him as he heads out the door, ask him if he’d rather take the blue one or the red one.

24. Acknowledge your children’s feelings

We all have feelings, so it’s important to acknowledge them.

Children must learn that it’s OK to have feelings, even negative ones.

Refrain from telling your children not to be sad, or that they shouldn’t feel a certain way.

Doing so invalidates their feelings, which makes them feel misunderstood.

25. Speak “positively” instead of “negatively”

Tell your children what you’d like them to do instead of what you don’t want them to do.

For example, saying “Please walk when you’re in the house” is more effective than saying “No running!”

26. Show an interest in your children’s hobbies and activities

When you do this, your children will know that you care about them as people.

They won’t feel as if you only care about how they perform in their academics, athletics, music, etc.

(Many of the children and teenagers I’ve worked with have told me that this is exactly how they feel!)

Showing a genuine interest in their hobbies and activities will help you build a stronger parent-child relationship.

This means that your children will be more likely to show you respect.

27. Don’t make assumptions or jump to conclusions

Regardless of what has happened in the past, listen to your children’s side of the story rather than making assumptions.

This will allow you to assess the situation calmly and let them know you’ve heard them out.

As far as possible, assume the best of your children unless the evidence has clearly proven otherwise, and you’ll discover how to get your kids to respect you.

28. Have fun together with your children

Many of the children and teenagers I’ve worked with have told me that they don’t do anything fun with their parents. I wonder why this is the case!

Make time to have fun with your children, and do things they enjoy. These fun times will help you to form strong bonds with your children.

29. Don’t provide too much unsolicited advice

If your children are faced with a problem, don’t give them unsolicited advice unless absolutely necessary.

Instead, help them to reflect on the problem. Ask them how they plan to handle the situation, and encourage them to be independent problem solvers.

If they need help from you, they’ll ask.

30. Respect your spouse

You want your children to respect you and your spouse, so model the behaviour you want to see.

When you show your children that you respect your spouse, they’ll tend to show you that same kind of respect.

31. Be consistent

If you’ve already stated the consequences of a specific negative behaviour, then follow through if the rule is broken.

Being consistent lets your children know you’re reliable, so they’ll be more likely to respect you.

32. Apologise if you’ve made a mistake

Another tip for how to get your kids to respect you? When you mess up, admit it to your children.

Tell your children that you’re sorry, and explain to them how you’ll avoid making the same mistake in the future. When necessary, ask them for their forgiveness.

In doing this, your children will admire you for your humility, and they’ll understand how much you value the relationship.

33. Don’t let your children walk all over you

This doesn’t mean that you should exert your power and authority in every situation.

Rather, it means that you shouldn’t give in to your children just to avoid an argument.

Strive for a win-win situation (or a no-lose situation at the very least) whenever conflicts arise.

You’ll gain the respect of your children, and they’ll learn negotiation skills in the process too.

34. Remind your children that you love them unconditionally

One of the most powerful things you can say to your children is, “I love you no matter what.”

Sometimes children feel as if your love depends on how well they do in school or how well they behave.

It’s helpful to remind them frequently that your love is unconditional, as this will strengthen the relationship.

35. Cultivate a culture of respect in your family

Encourage your children to behave respectfully to all family members. The way you all speak to each other is the foundation of building a stable, happy home.

Show your children what it means to behave respectfully, even when there are differences in opinion.

36. Give your children freedom within limits

Children need autonomy, so when learning how to get your kids to respect you, it’s important that you give them both freedom and responsibilities.

Encourage them to be independent within certain limits. As they get older, give them more say as to what those limits are, although you’ll still retain overall authority.

37. Discuss the topic of respect with your children

Ask your children what respect means to them, and ask them what behaviour they deem to be acceptable or unacceptable.

Having such a discussion will help you to understand your children’s views on the topic.

You can then determine how best to help them develop the right values when it comes to respecting others.

38. Be respectful when you discipline or confront your children

Treat your children with respect, even when they’ve made a mistake.

Don’t shame or berate them, because this won’t empower them to learn.

When you show them respect even in such situations, they’ll develop greater respect for you.

39. Don’t take your children’s disrespectful behaviour too personally

Remember that your children are still maturing and gaining wisdom – just as all of us are.

Children and teenagers are learning to manage their thoughts and emotions. If they’re acting out, it’s a sign that they need more help and guidance.

Sometimes the answer to how to get your kids to respect you is to be the bigger person and show them grace and patience.

40. Give your full attention to your children when they speak to you

I’m sure you expect your children to listen to you when you speak. So extend the same courtesy to them.

Too many parents half-listen to their children while writing an email or checking their phone. This sends the message to children that they aren’t valued, which affects their self-esteem.

And when children suffer from poor self-esteem, they often don’t behave with respect toward others.

41. Tell your children that you enjoy spending time with them

Children need to know that you like them, not just that you love them.

If the relationship has deteriorated to the point where you don’t actually like your children, then focus on rebuilding the relationship as a priority.

42. Don’t belittle your children

Don’t talk to your children as if they’re stupid, and definitely don’t call them stupid! (If you have, refer to Point #32.)

Instead, show them that you believe in them. Assume the best of them. Celebrate their progress. Cheer them on.

If you build your children up, they’ll do the same for others.

43. Admit it when your children are right

When you’re mature enough to admit that you’re wrong and your children are right, they’ll develop greater respect for you.

We all make mistakes, so it’s already obvious to your children that you’re not perfect.

Besides, they don’t expect you to be perfect.

They expect you to be a person of authenticity, humility and character.

Do your best to live up to these expectations!

44. Refrain from saying “Don’t argue with me”

When your children hear you say “Don’t argue with me”, they’ll see you as being unreasonable and illogical. This makes it hard for them to respect you.

If you’re at your wits’ end, tell your children that you need some time to think about the issue.

Restart the conversation only when both you and your children are ready to have a level-headed discussion.

45. Give your children advance notice about upcoming events

If you don’t do this, your children will feel annoyed with you, because it seems as if their schedule and activities aren’t important to you — and you’ll struggle with how to get your kids to respect you.

For example, if there’s an event that your whole family needs to attend, tell your children a week in advance.

On the day of the event, give them a couple of reminders closer to the time that you need to leave the house.

Your children will appreciate you keeping them informed, so they won’t be caught off-guard.

46. Acknowledge the progress your children are making (even if the progress is slow)

We all feel more motivated when we feel as if we’re making headway.

As such, it’s crucial that you acknowledge the progress your children are making in the different areas of life.

Refrain from talking as if they’re never trying hard enough. If your children feel as if the effort they put in is never enough, they may stop trying altogether.

And when they feel discouraged, it’s hard for them to show honour and respect toward others.

47. Choose to focus on the issues that matter most in the long run

Choose your battles.

Don’t point out every flaw and shortcoming your children have, because they’ll get annoyed and the relationship will be damaged.

Decide which issues are most important to you, and which issues you’re willing to let slide.

48. Under all circumstances, do not yell

When you yell, you’re demonstrating that you’ve lost control.

Instead, withdraw from the situation if necessary. Say something like, “I’m too angry to talk about this now. How about we talk again after dinner?”

This approach is far better than lashing out and saying things you’ll almost certainly regret later on.

49. Don’t talk as if you know it all

Your children will respect you more if you admit that you don’t know everything.

After all, they’ve probably already realised that they know more than you about certain topics.

Be open-minded, and be willing to learn from your children.

In general, children treasure every chance they get to teach you what they know, whether it’s about technology or the latest hobby they’ve picked up.

50. Keep your promises

My final tip about how to get your kids to respect you is this: keep your promises.

Children have good memories, especially when it comes to the promises you make to them.

They’ll be disappointed for a long time if you don’t keep your promises.

Furthermore, the foundation of every relationship is trust. If you forget the promises you’ve made, your children will find it hard to trust and respect you.

Frequently asked questions

What causes a child to be disrespectful?

It’s important to remember that respect is a skill your children must learn. Part of growing up is learning how to express our desires and treat others with compassion.

If your children are disrespectful, it might be because they are:

Learning how to manage their anger
Struggling to communicate effectively
Dealing with frustrations (both inside and outside of the home)
Seeking independence and autonomy

Yelling at your kids or disregarding their emotions only makes these root problems worse.

Instead, learn how to get your kids to respect you by following the 50 tips for respectful parenting outlined in this article.

How do you explain respect to a child?

Ready to learn the easiest way to explain respect to a child?

Use your actions, not your words.

When you model respectful behaviour to your children, you cultivate a culture of respect in your home. Explaining respect to a child may not even be necessary!

Your children are constantly observing your behaviour — and they notice when you bad-mouth your spouse, friends, or neighbours.

So, show your kids what respect looks like, and they’ll learn the behaviour that’s expected of them.

Then, if you need to, follow Point #37 to have a productive conversation with them about what it means to be respectful.

How do you raise a respectful child?

Start by following the tips in this post. 🙂

Then, remember this:

How to get your kids to respect you comes back to respectful parenting.

You’re still setting boundaries for your children, and you’re certainly not letting your kids walk all over you.

But you’re letting them know that they’re supported, heard and valued. You’re building a mutually respectful relationship — and raising a respectful child, too.

By applying these tips, you’ll raise children who respect you

The tips in this article are all simple things you can start practising today.

Of course, it’s impossible to implement all the tips right away.

Choose a couple of items from the list and try them out this week. The following week, try out one or two additional tips.

Over time, you’ll see huge changes.

Your relationship with your children will improve. Your children will respect you more. Your family life will become more harmonious and enjoyable.

And your children will be on their way to becoming gracious, responsible and successful people!

Like this article? Please share it with your friends.

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10 Common Parenting Mistakes That Demotivate Your Children

Updated on September 30, 2021 By Daniel Wong 29 Comments

Wouldn’t it be great if your children were motivated and independent learners?

That way, you wouldn’t have to nag or scold them to do their homework.

Parents often tell me how frustrated they are that their teens hate school.

They’re also concerned that this lack of motivation will carry over to other areas of life.

The problem is that parents often demotivate their children unintentionally.

Here are 10 of the most common mistakes parents make – so do your best to avoid them in your home.

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Mistake #1: Give your children too many rewards based on achievement or behaviour

This is a trap that many parents fall into, and for good reason. The first time you try it, it seems to work.

You might tell your children that you’ll pay them a dollar each time they get more than 85% for a class test. This seems to work because they start studying harder.

You think to yourself, “Great. Problem solved!”

Then a few weeks later you realise their motivation has waned. They complain that getting a good grade deserves more than one dollar.

An argument breaks out, and you find yourself justifying the price. You even explain that studying hard is their basic responsibility as a student.

If this describes your situation, you’re not alone.

Many studies show that rewards and punishments work in the short term, but not in the long term.

(Read on to find out what other approaches you can try instead.)

Mistake #2: Overemphasise the importance of academics

Parents think that emphasising the importance of academics will motivate their children to work hard.

The problem is that this approach doesn’t turn your children into lifelong learners.

Learning isn’t just about getting good grades. It’s also about enjoying the process.

When children enjoy learning, they become motivated to keep on learning.

Grades can affect your job prospects, but many great leaders weren’t great students. Unfortunately, many of the students I’ve worked with tell me that their parents seem to think that grades are the only thing that matters.

We now know that there are many different types of intelligence and that the education system only measures some of these.

All parents would agree that social skills, character development, and learning to relax and reflect are also important areas of focus.

When parents dismiss their children’s hobbies and games as a waste of time, they hurt their children’s feelings and damage the parent-child relationship.

Parents must value and respect their children’s activities. Dance and sport can improve kinaesthetic intelligence, and games and discussions can boost intrapersonal intelligence.

These are vital skills for children to learn and carry with them through life. [Read more…]