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15 Things Parents Should Stop Saying to Their Children

Updated on May 7, 2020 By Daniel Wong 4 Comments

Do you wish you had a better relationship with your children?

Maybe your children don’t communicate much with you. They spend most of their time in their room, glued to their smartphone or computer.

Maybe they also lack motivation – except when it comes to social media and gaming.

If this describes your children, don’t despair. In this article, I’ll share with you specific ways to improve the situation.

I’ve spoken to and worked with 20,000 pre-teens and teens, and they’ve confessed to me why they behave this way.

Want to know the reason?

It’s because of the way their parents talk to them.

Of course, the parent-child relationship is a two-way street. But if parents stopped saying certain things, children would become more communicative, respectful, and responsible.

So here’s a list of 15 things that parents should stop saying to their children…

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1. “You always …” or “You never …”

Have you ever said any of the following to your children?

“You always wake up late.”
“You always take the easy way out.”
“You always get in trouble at school.”
“You never submit your homework on time.”
“You never do your chores.”
“You never put your clothes in the laundry basket.”

When you use the phrase “You always …” or “You never …” your children will become defensive. The conversation may then turn into an argument.

After all, there probably have been times when your children did wake up on time, submit their homework before the deadline, or put their clothes in the laundry basket.

So try this approach instead.

State objective facts that your children can’t refute. For instance, you could say to your child: “Over the past week, you’ve woken up late three times, by more than 20 minutes each time. This is an issue we need to resolve.”

By citing specific examples, you and your children will have a more fruitful discussion.

2. “You should be ashamed of yourself.”

The aim isn’t to guilt your children into changing their behavior. Rather, the aim is to coach them to make decisions based on the right values and principles.

Instead of saying “You should be ashamed of yourself,” process the situation with your children.

Help them to see what alternatives they could have considered, so that they’ll make the right choice in the future. [Read more…]

How to Deal With a Defiant Child: 10 Strategies That Work

Updated on May 7, 2020 By Daniel Wong 13 Comments

Give yourself a pat on the back.

Parenthood is tough, and you’re doing the best you can.

You thought the worst was over when you no longer had to deal with dirty diapers, multiple middle-of-the-night wakings, and temper tantrums.

But it seems like the worst isn’t over. In the blink of an eye, you now have a defiant child on your hands.

He talks back to you. He disobeys you. He doesn’t pay attention in class. He refuses to do his homework.

Maybe the situation is more serious than that. Maybe he’s hanging out with bad company, or maybe he’s started smoking or drinking.

You’ve tried everything, but things haven’t improved. But rest assured that there’s hope, because the situation can get better.

Having mentored many rebellious, defiant children, I’ve come up with a list of 10 strategies that work…

FREE E-BOOK:

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16 Keys to Motivating Your Teenager.

The e-book has already been downloaded by many thousands of parents, so don't miss out!

1. When you’re angry, walk away temporarily.

It’s reasonable to get angry when your child is rude or disrespectful. But if you’re on the brink of losing control of your emotions, walk away.

Tell your child that you’re angry, and that you’ll address the situation later. This way, you won’t say or do anything you’ll regret later on.

Take 10 to 15 minutes to collect your thoughts and decide on an appropriate response. When you’ve calmed down – by that time, your child will be calmer too – start the discussion afresh.

2. Nag/scold less, and listen more.

Tweens and teens complain to me that their parents just don’t listen to them. When they try to explain their point of view, their parents often respond by saying:

“Don’t argue with me.”
“I know what’s best for you.”
“When I was your age …”
“Why are you being so difficult?”
“When you grow up, you’ll understand …”

These responses cause children to become even more defiant.

Instead of nagging and scolding, trying really listening. Ask your child about her thoughts and opinions. Ask her how she feels. Ask her what she thinks you can do to be a better parent.

Then listen without judging or criticizing.

Gradually, you’ll get to the root of her rebellious behavior.

For a start, I recommend that you have 30 minutes of no nagging/scolding time every day. This could be the first 30 minutes after your child wakes up, or during dinner.

In this way, you’ll learn to kick your nagging/scolding habit and create a more pleasant home environment. [Read more…]

6 Things Happy and Effective Parents Say “No” To

Updated on May 7, 2020 By Daniel Wong 20 Comments

As a parent, does it sometimes feel like your to-do list is never-ending?

You have so many responsibilities to fulfill, chores to complete, and errands to run.

Through my work, I interact with lots of parents. Sadly, it seems like many parents are overwhelmed by the hustle and bustle of life, and have lost the joy of parenthood.

In this article, I’ll share with you six things to say “no” to as a parent. When you say “no” to these things, I’m confident that you’ll become a happier – and more effective – parent.

Here they are…

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16 Keys to Motivating Your Teenager.

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1. Say “no” to perfection

Do you strive for perfection?

Some parents hold on to these ideals – and some even try to achieve them all at once:

They should never lose their temper.
They should always be cheerful.
Their home should be neat and clean all the time.
They should be involved in charity work and in serving the community.
They should have an active social life.
Their children should be well-behaved.
Their children should perform well in school.
Their children should excel in their co-curricular activities.

Don’t get me wrong. We should set goals in the different areas of our lives. And yes, we should develop ourselves physically, mentally and emotionally.

But we must also accept that we’re not perfect.

Let’s be kind to ourselves. Let’s not hold ourselves to unattainable standards. Let’s say “no” to perfection, and instead say “yes” to progress.

2. Say “no” to over-scheduling your children’s lives

[Read more…]

7 Ways to Get Your Children to Do Their Homework (No Nagging Required!)

Updated on January 30, 2024 By Daniel Wong 24 Comments

Getting your children to do their homework is a struggle, isn’t it?

It seems like everything is more important to them than homework.

Online gaming, social media, watching videos, playing sports… the list goes on.

But it doesn’t have to be a struggle.

In this article, I’ll explain 7 powerful ways to get your children to do their homework – no complaining from them and no nagging from you.

FREE E-BOOK:

Get your FREE copy of

16 Keys to Motivating Your Teenager.

The e-book has already been downloaded by many thousands of parents, so don't miss out!

1. Make it clear that it’s their homework, not yours.

Many parents seem to care more about their children’s homework than their children do. As such, the responsibility shifts from the children to the parents.

But this should not be the case.

After all, it’s your children’s homework, not yours.

Help them to understand that their homework is their responsibility. Feel free to provide help or guidance, but you should never do the work for them.

2. Don’t force them to do their homework.

I can almost hear you saying, “But Daniel, if I don’t force my children to do their homework, they won’t do it at all!”

I know where you’re coming from. But if you implement all the tips in this article, I can close to guarantee that your children will do their homework without coercion.

If you threaten or intimidate them, your parent-child relationship will suffer.

And as the saying goes, “Rules without relationship breeds rebellion.”

I’ve worked with more than 15,000 students so far, and I wholeheartedly agree with that saying.

If you impose rules without nurturing the relationship, sooner or later your children will defy you. Power struggles are unhealthy, whether they’re over food, going to school, or homework.

3. Discuss expectations and consequences with them.

[Read more…]

Are You Too Busy? 4 Ways To Slow Down

Updated on May 7, 2020 By Daniel Wong 21 Comments

Too busy

Let me ask you three questions:

Do you often feel like your to-do list is never-ending?
Do you often sacrifice sleep to get things done?
Do you frequently complain about how busy you are?

If you answered “yes” to those questions, you’re busy – probably too busy.

But it doesn’t have to be like this.

The strange reason we ignore the most important things in life

In an era where we’re connected 24/7, the line between work and leisure has become blurred. Even on a Sunday afternoon, you could send that email. You could reply to that text. You could do something “productive.”

But should you?

I face this temptation every time I have a day off. The temptation is even greater because I enjoy my job so much!

And it’s not just me. Through my work with parents – many of whom are busy and stressed out – I know this is a widespread problem.

Author Charles Hummel once observed that the most important things in life are also the most well-mannered. They don’t scream for your attention. They don’t throw a tantrum to force you to take notice.

This explains why we often ignore the things that matter most. They’re just too polite.

In contrast, the urgent things are far less polite. That email from your boss, that phone call, that Facebook message – they’re calling out to you right now. You feel like you can’t ignore it, so you don’t.

That’s how we become busy, by allowing ourselves to be overwhelmed by the urgent.

But there’s a way out. [Read more…]

Raising Resilient Children: A Simple Tip That Works Wonders

Updated on May 7, 2020 By Daniel Wong 4 Comments

resilient children

Every parent has been there before.

You worry that your children won’t be resilient enough to survive in the “real world” when they grow up.

Will they be able to handle disappointments? Will they develop a can-do attitude? Will they overcome their fears?

To prepare your children for the future, you encourage them to work hard. You try to teach them valuable life skills.

But when they meet setbacks, they sometimes falter. Maybe it’s a math test they didn’t do well on. Or a friendship that fell apart. Or a teacher who said something harsh.

They didn’t take it well. They might even have become withdrawn and unmotivated.

So you ask yourself…

How can I help my children to become more resilient?

A simple, effective tip for bringing up resilient children

And the tip is:

Share your challenges and struggles with your children, and explain to them what you’re doing to resolve the situation.

This might sound like a strange approach, but it’s effective.

Here’s why. [Read more…]

7 Phrases That Children Need To Hear From Their Parents

Updated on January 8, 2020 By Daniel Wong 32 Comments

Listening

Are you worried that your children aren’t as motivated and hardworking as they should be?

It’s natural that parents want their children to succeed.

Through my work with students, I’ve realized just how much the parent-child relationship affects the child’s development, both emotionally and mentally.

No surprises there.

The stronger the relationship, the better the chances of the child becoming a well-adjusted, successful adult.

This article lists seven simple phrases that will help you to build that relationship.

The more often you use the phrases – I’m not asking you to repeat them every moment of every day, though! – the more likely it is that your child will grow up feeling safe, secure and self-confident. That’s the foundation of long-term success and happiness.

Here are the seven phrases:

1. “I love you”

This is an obvious but vital one.

Children need to know that you love and accept them unconditionally. You might feel awkward about saying “I love you” to your children, especially if it isn’t part of your family culture. But I encourage you to say it at least once a month. If you say it once a week or once a day, even better.

95% of the teenagers I work with confess to me that they feel as though their parents love them more when they perform well in school or in their other activities.

In extreme cases, these children grow up believing that they’ll never be good enough. This can cause them to be unmotivated, or to exhibit other behavioral problems.

The simple solution?

Say “I love you” to your children. Often.

2. “Go for it!”

Of course, if your children are about to do something dangerous or unethical, you shouldn’t tell them to “go for it.” You should step in. [Read more…]