How do you handle a rebellious teen?

It’s a challenging situation for parents to deal with.

Angry answers to innocent questions, slammed doors, refusing to study – these are behaviours you may be all too familiar with.

Rebellious teens can turn the home into a war zone. So parents come to me feeling as if their teenagers hate them.

Through my work with over 20,000 teens so far, I’ve come across every kind of parent-teen problem you can imagine.

I’ve learned what works and what doesn’t. So, in this article, I’m going to share with you 25 tips for handling rebellious teens more effectively.

1. Decide exactly which behaviours are unacceptable

There are many behaviours your teenager displays that might annoy you.

You might not like the clothes she wears, or you might not like the mess in his bedroom.

But if you react to every one of these behaviours, your relationship with your teenager will descend into one long argument.

Over time, your teen will come to see you as a parent who can never be pleased.

Not only that, if you are constantly criticising your teenager, she will soon learn to block it out as “background noise”.

And that’s bad, because when you really need to register your disapproval, it won’t count for anything.

So it’s essential to be clear about the difference between behaviours that are annoying and those that are unacceptable.

To put it another way, you need to pick your battles.

Parents will have their own boundaries regarding behaviour that is annoying and behaviour that is unacceptable.

Screaming at you while you’re trying to explain something or calling you an “idiot” to your face might be examples of unacceptable behaviours.

On the other hand, what time they take a shower and what they choose to eat might be examples of behaviours that you choose to ignore.

2. Accept the fact that your teen isn’t perfect

Overparenting can take many forms. One common manifestation of overparenting is expecting too much of your teenager.

It’s natural for parents to want the best for their teenagers. After all, we are biologically programmed to protect and care for our children.

But wanting the best for your teenager can easily turn into something negative.

That’s what happens when parents turn their teens into a “project”.

For these parents, their teenager is a “diamond in the rough” that needs to be polished to an ever-higher standard.

High parental aspirations can lead to an obsession with perfection. And that, in turn, can make your teenager feel suffocated.

As a parent, it’s crucial to remember that the teenage years are about letting go. Your teenager is learning to separate himself from you.

He is in the process of launching out into the world, so he longs for independence and autonomy.

As a parent, it’s hard not to be concerned about your teenager’s future. But you must balance that concern with your teenager’s need to become his own person.

3. Focus on just one issue at a time

When parenting teens who display defiant behaviour, focus on one issue at a time.

Your teen may be exhibiting many problematic or risky behaviours. But if you try to deal with all of them at once, it will be difficult to address any one behaviour effectively.

It’s much better to tackle difficult behaviours one at a time, typically starting with smaller issues and then moving on to bigger issues.

This way, the focus will be clear, and you will avoid overwhelming your teen.

4. When having a serious conversation with your teen, try to have it outside the home

Why do I recommend this?

Because your teen probably thinks of your home as a place where you have all the power.

It’s better to have the conversation on neutral ground, such as in a café, a restaurant, or on a park bench.

This way, your teen will be more likely to be open to constructive discussion. She will also be less likely to subconsciously revert to rebellious attitudes.

If possible, have the conversation at a place your teen enjoys going to. This will further improve the chances of having a fruitful discussion.

5. Discuss possible solutions together with your teen

Make sure the conversation is focused on problem-solving, and ensure that your teen is part of the process of finding a solution.

This will create a positive atmosphere where both parties are able to suggest possible solutions to the problem.

Avoid turning the meeting into a one-sided conversation where you set the rules and your teen has to accept your position.

Such one-sided conversations will lead to a confrontation, which won’t help the situation.

6. Ensure that nobody walks away from the discussion feeling like a loser

Ensure that the discussion ends in a win-win (or at least no-lose) situation for both you and your teenager.

Make sure that your teenager doesn’t leave the meeting feeling like they lost, and you won.

The way to do this is to help your teenager feel heard. Allow them to play an active role in reaching the outcomes you both agree upon.

For example, if the issue is how much screen time your teenager should have on weekdays, ask her to suggest a limit.

Or if the issue is that your teenager is not helping with the household chores, ask him what daily tasks he would be willing to do.

When teenagers feel as if they are involved in the discussion, they are more likely to take ownership of the solutions and stick to them.

7. Postpone the conversation if you or your teen starts to become angry

Keep in mind that the purpose of the meeting isn’t to vent frustrations.

When tempers flare, it’s challenging to find solutions that both parties are agreeable to.

So if either you or your teen starts to get angry, it’s best to postpone the conversation to another time.

8. Refrain from casting judgment on your teen

Avoid making judgmental statements about your teen’s choices or behaviour.

In particular, avoid statements that begin with the words: “You always” or “You never”.

These kinds of statements are too general, and will put your teen on the defensive.

If your teen feels that you regard her as a “problem child”, she is likely to continue her problematic behaviour.

This is because teens tend to behave in a way that is consistent with how their parents view them.

Repetitive nagging or criticism will push your teen toward rebellious behaviour.

9. Understand how your teen feels instead of prescribing solutions

As a parent, it’s natural to point out to your teen solutions to their problems.

For example, you might want to say to your daughter: “If you didn’t use your phone so much, you wouldn’t get such bad grades.”

Or you might want to say to your son: “If you kept your room tidy, you wouldn’t keep losing your belongings.”

But your teen will see these “solutions” as criticisms, and will feel irritated as a result.

Instead of pointing out what they are doing wrong, start out by building a better relationship with your teen.

The best way to do that is to listen.

Listen to your teen “actively”. This means listening in a way that your teen will feel respected.

Maintain eye contact, and nod your head once in a while. Use phrases like “Tell me more” to encourage your teen to continue talking.

Once in a while, summarise what you think you hear your teen saying.

These active listening techniques send a message to your teen that he is being heard. Your teen will share more about what he is feeling, so you’ll understand him better.

10. As a family, create a family mission statement

Almost every company has a mission statement. A mission statement guides it as it serves its customers and conducts its business.

Families can benefit from having a mission statement too.

One benefit of having a mission statement is that it lays out a set of shared principles and values. Having a shared sense of purpose bonds parents and children together.

This is especially so if you involve your children in developing the mission statement.

To create a family mission statement, have a family meeting, and ask questions such as:

• What is our family’s mission?
• What kind of family do we want to be?
• Which values are most important to our family?
• What kind of relationships do we want to have within our family?
• How do we want to treat one another?

For more information about developing a family mission statement, refer to this article.

11. Share your feelings about your teen’s behaviour

One of the reasons your teen is so defiant is that it seems to her that you have all the power, while she has none.

You can restore balance to the relationship by allowing yourself to be vulnerable.

Instead of just telling your teen that his behaviour is not acceptable, tell him how you feel about his behaviour.

For example, you could say: “I feel worried when I see you staying up past midnight on a school night. This is because it’s going to be hard for you to get through school the next day.”

Or you could say: “I feel disrespected when you walk away in the middle of a conversation.”

By sharing your feelings – instead of nagging or criticising your teen – you make yourself vulnerable.

If you deal with teenage attitude this way, your teen will be more understanding and less rebellious.

Contrast this with the kind of parenting that sends this message: “I’m the parent, you’re the child, and you’ll just do as I say.” This approach encourages your teen to become more rebellious.

12. Confirm what you think you hear your teen saying

During the teen years, when your child’s brain is still developing, communicating with her will often not be straightforward.

So it’s a good idea to confirm that you have understood what she is saying.

For example, you might ask your teenage daughter: “Is it okay if I send this photo of you to your grandparents?”

She might reply: “I guess so.”

This doesn’t sound like a definite “yes”, so it would be best to check your understanding of her response.

You could then ask: “Does that mean you’re happy for me to send that photo, or would you rather I choose a different one?”

Using this approach can help to avoid a misunderstanding that later leads to a conflict.

13. When your teen does something you appreciate, let him or her know

As a parent of a teen, it’s easy to become focused on the behaviours that bother you.

The danger of this is that your teen may come to see you as an “unpleasable parent”.

As such, it’s important to show appreciation when your teen does something you’re grateful for.

If your teen helps her younger brother with his homework, you could say: “Thank you for helping Joshua with his homework.”

Or if you see your teenage son taking out the trash, you could say: “I appreciate you helping out with the household chores.”

14. Don’t use sarcasm

Sarcasm might seem funny, but it’s actually a form of aggression. You can see this from the origin of the word.

“Sarcasm” comes from the Greek word “sarkazein”, which means “to tear the flesh off”.

Using sarcasm will damage the relationship between you and your teenager. This is because your teenager will feel wounded and belittled.

If you are in the habit of using sarcasm, make a conscious effort to eliminate the habit altogether.

Using sarcasm frequently will result in a toxic home environment. This will lead to your teenager becoming more rebellious.

15. Set an example for your teen

It’s not reasonable to expect your teen to behave in a particular way if you don’t model that behaviour.

So be careful about how you speak to your teen. As far as possible, speak to him with kindness and respect.

For example, you may feel like saying: “It’s already 10 pm, and tomorrow’s a school day. And you haven’t even started your homework! What’s wrong with you?”

Speaking rudely sends an indirect message to your teen that it’s okay to talk like that when he’s agitated.

A better way to address the issue would be to say: “It’s 10 pm and tomorrow is a school day. Can you please share with me why you haven’t started on your homework yet?”

16. Don’t lecture your teen

When your teen does something she shouldn’t have, it’s tempting to lecture her.

But doing so will tend to make your teen see herself as a “bad kid”. It will also make her turn defensive.

Another problem with lectures is that they are focused on the past. The parent delivering the lecture may bring up a long list of past incidents and wrongdoings.

It’s much more productive to focus on the future and to ask your teen questions that invite him to be part of the solution.

For example, let’s say your teenage son breaks his curfew. Instead of lecturing him about the importance of keeping to his curfew, try to understand why he came home late.

When you understand the situation more clearly, shift the conversation toward solutions to ensure that this won’t happen again.

If you really can’t help but lecture your teen, keep the lectures short – less than 5 minutes. Any longer than 5 minutes and the lecture won’t have any effect on your teen.

17. Try to uncover if there’s anything else going on with your teen

When you’re having problems with a rebellious teen, it’s natural to focus on your teen’s behaviour.

But before dealing with the behaviour, get to the root of the issue.

If you notice a sudden change in your teen’s behaviour, it’s worth considering whether she is getting bullied at school.

Or perhaps the root cause might be an issue related to self-esteem, body image or anxiety.

Take the time to listen to your teen and build the relationship, so that she’ll be more willing to share her problems with you.

Your teen’s behaviour will only improve when you address the underlying issue.

18. Get professional help

If the situation doesn’t improve, seek professional help.

There’s no shame in asking for assistance.

If you break your foot, you won’t hesitate to get help from a doctor. Likewise, if the situation with your teenager is broken, don’t hesitate to get professional help.

For example, I offer this 1-to-1 coaching programme for teenagers, where I enable them to become motivated, focused and responsible.

19. Give your teen some space

Family life can be intense, so there are times when we all need to decompress.

In particular, teens need physical and emotional space to unwind.

The reason for this is that as they transition into adulthood, they desire more independence and autonomy.

As they wrestle with this transition, they need space to think and reflect.

So if your teen asks for space, try to oblige him as much as is feasible.

20. Don’t punish your teen harshly

When dealing with rebellious teens, never mete out harsh punishments. Avoid any form of physical or emotional abuse, e.g. withholding basic necessities such as food, slapping your teen.

I know parents who have gone so far as to threaten their teen with a knife in an attempt to change his behaviour!

Harsh punishments will only make him more withdrawn and defiant.

Keep in mind that your relationship with your teen is fragile. Once it is damaged, it can be hard to repair.

21. Do something enjoyable with your teen

So much of family life is taken up with routine activities. Often, it doesn’t occur to parents to do something enjoyable with their teens.

Once a month or so, go somewhere with your teen and do something enjoyable together.

It could be going to the park, fishing, or watching a movie.

Doing this is about building the relationship with your teen. So it’s vital that during this activity you don’t nag, criticise, or lecture your teen.

22. Never set rules without explaining the logic behind them

When you create rules within your family, always explain to your children the rationale behind the rules. This applies especially to teenagers.

Your teenager is more likely to accept your rules if she knows the reasons behind them.

If your teenager asks about the reason behind one of your rules, never say “Because I said so” or “My house, my rules”.

Statements like these will leave your teenager feeling frustrated. As a result, he’ll become more defiant.

When you create rules, do your best to involve your teenager in making the new rules.

For example, you could say to your teenage son: “I think we need to talk about how late you can stay out at parties. What seems like a reasonable time to you?”

Having such a discussion is itself an excellent relationship-building exercise.

It will make your teenager feel that his views are being heard.

23. Do something nice for your teen

A nice gesture, however small, can go a long way in building the relationship with your teen.

If you’re going through a rough patch with your teen, you may not feel like doing this.

But remember that love is intentional. You don’t have to feel like showing love in order to act in a loving way.

Here are some examples of nice gestures that will help to build the relationship between you and your teen:

• Write her a note to wish her all the best for a test
• Put a small packet of his favourite snack on his table
• Buy a copy of a magazine she likes
• Buy him a gift card
• Offer to make her a sandwich

A gesture like this is particularly powerful when it’s not a reward for “good” behaviour. This is because your teen will realise you did it just because you love him.

24. Realise that your teen is rebelling because he or she probably feels powerless

As a parent, it’s often hard to remember what the world looks like through the eyes of your teen.

In your teen’s eyes, you have all the power, and they have very little.

I’ve worked with thousands of pre-teens and teens. This is something I see over and over again – many of them feel powerless.

In nearly every aspect of their lives, they feel as if someone else has the power.

This takes the form of:

• Authority figures forcing them to go to school (even if they hate going to school) and do their homework
• Boundaries related to phone usage and how much mobile data they can use
• Rules about how much TV they can watch, what time they need to be home by, etc.

Of course, boundaries are necessary. But it’s also important to give your teen a sense of control and autonomy.

After all, you can’t control every choice your teen makes. Neither can you control every aspect of your teen’s behaviour.

However, if you empower them to make decisions for themselves, you’ll motivate your teens to try harder.

25. Don’t expect the situation to improve overnight

Don’t expect a sudden improvement in your teenager’s behaviour.

Even if you apply all of the tips in this article, it will still take time to see results.

Your teenager didn’t become defiant overnight. It was probably a process that took months, or even years.

In a similar way, helping your teenager to become less defiant is also a process that will take time.

Conclusion

The tips in this article are all ways of helping your teenager to become more respectful and responsible.

(To learn 5 bonus tips, download the free PDF below.)

Of course, it would be impossible to implement all the tips at once.

Put two or three of the tips into practice and monitor your teenager’s progress. As the weeks go by, apply more tips gradually.

Over time, your teenager will become less rebellious. Your home will also become a more peaceful and harmonious place!

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As a parent, you know it’s important to lead by example.

As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “What you are speaks so loudly, I can’t hear what you are saying.”

But life can get so busy.

There are chores to do, errands to run, projects to complete, and events to attend.

And of course, there are also children to bring up.

So it’s to be expected that many parents rarely ask themselves, “Am I setting a good example for my children?”

Through my extensive 1-to-1 coaching work with pre-teens and teens, I’ve observed first-hand how much influence parents have on their children – whether good or bad.

So in this article, I’ll share with you 30 simple ways for you to set a good example for your children.

1. Be vulnerable. Don’t be afraid to tell your children about your failures and shortcomings. Share with them how you’ve learned to be resilient. Explain to them how you overcame the challenges and obstacles you faced. This approach is vital as you think about how to build confidence in your kids.

2. Value relationships over material wealth. I’ve heard it said that we ought to love people and use things. But many people do the opposite: they love things and use people. Show your children that relationships always matter more than things.

3. Embrace challenges. Get outside your comfort zone on a regular basis and confront your fears. Your children will learn from your positive attitude.

4. Be committed to personal development. Always be improving yourself in some way, e.g. knowledge, habits, skills, emotional control. Your children will see how committed you are to leading a better life, day by day.

5. Write cards to your friends. My own mother used to do this often as a way of encouraging her friends. This helped me to see how vital it is to invest in your friendships.

6. Volunteer and do charity work. We all want our children to serve others and contribute to their communities. Let’s set an example by making a difference through some kind of volunteer work.

7. Invite your neighbours over for dinner. By doing this, you’ll show your children the importance of hospitality. You’ll also forge a deeper relationship with your neighbours.

8. Take care of your health. I’m sure you want your children to be healthy and strong, so lead by example in this area. Exercise regularly, eat well, and get 8 hours of sleep every night. Not only will you be healthier, but you’ll also have more energy to be a great parent!

9. Focus on health rather than appearance. Many parents I know often complain about their “fat thighs” and “flabby arms”. This sends the message to their children that appearance is what matters, when health and healthy habits are what actually count.

10. Compliment others sincerely. By paying someone a sincere compliment, you might make his or her day. Start by saying positive things to your children and other members of the family.

11. Manage your emotions. When faced with frustrating or worrying situations, use various techniques to stay calm. Your children will learn from you how essential it is to stay in control of their emotions and not take things out on others.

12. Listen attentively.  If someone is speaking to you, put away your phone or any other distractions and listen attentively. This is one way to show respect toward others. And, in turn, get your kids to respect you by listening to you when you speak.

13. Don’t be too concerned about what others think of you. As Ann Landers once said, “At age 20, we worry about what everyone thinks of us. At age 40, we don’t care what anyone thinks of us. At age 60, we realise that nobody has been thinking of us at all.” We should be more concerned about living a purpose- and values-driven life, instead of worrying about gaining the approval of others.

14. Ask to hear the opinions of others. Instead of just caring about what you think, seek out the opinions of others. This will widen your own perspective.

15. Become an organised person (if you aren’t already one). Write things down, use a calendar, and always have a plan. Your children will see your example and become committed to developing organisational skills too. I’ve observed that organised people tend to be far less stressed!

16. Forgive yourself and forgive others. If you’re living with shame or regret, now is the time to forgive yourself. And if you’re holding on to grudges because of what others have done to you, now is the time to forgive them.

17. Be generous with your time and money. Show your children that resources are meant to be given and shared for the benefit of others. The more we give, the more we live.

18. Be grateful. If you find yourself complaining often, decide that from today onwards you’ll cultivate a spirit of gratitude. Over time, your children will become more thankful too!

19. Don’t say negative things about yourself. I know parents who say many negative things about themselves, e.g. “I’m too uneducated to be successful”, “I’m impatient”, “I have a bad temper”. Focus more on opportunities and possibilities instead of your limitations.

20. Follow the rules and obey the law. Do this even if there’s no chance of you being caught for any wrongdoing. By displaying integrity, your children will learn to do the right thing, even if no one is looking.

21. Be dependable. Few people do what they say they’ll do 100% of the time. Become one of those people, and demonstrate to your children how crucial it is to be a trustworthy person. I’ve observed that the more dependable you are, the more likely it is that you’ll be successful.

22. Apologise when you’ve made a mistake. My coaching clients (the majority of whom are pre-teens and teens) frequently tell me that they don’t respect their parents. This is because their parents don’t apologise, even when it’s clear that they’ve made a mistake. Don’t be one of these parents!

23. Celebrate the successes of others. Acknowledge and celebrate the successes that others achieve. This way, your children will understand why they should never be a sore loser.

24. Find meaning in your work. All work (except work that is illegal or unethical) is meaningful. Work isn’t something we have to do; it’s something we get to do in the service of others, while also earning a living. Demonstrate to your children that with the right attitude, work can be enjoyable and fun!

25. Ask for help if you need it. We all come to a place where we need help. If you need assistance or guidance, don’t hesitate to reach out. As the African proverb goes, “If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.”

26. Live within your means. Don’t get so caught up in the pursuit of material gain that you buy things you can’t afford. Living beyond your means will lead to a life of stress and possible ruin.

27. Buy what you need, not what you want. As a follow-up to Point #26, practise asking yourself the question “Do I need this?” instead of the question “Can I afford this?” You might be able to afford something, but if you don’t need it, then you probably shouldn’t buy it.

28. Read for leisure. If you don’t read for leisure, your children are unlikely to read for leisure. Once in a while, share with your children the interesting things you’re learning through the books you’re reading. Your children may become more motivated to work hard in school too!

29. Make an effort to mend broken relationships. As Dr. Scott Sticksel once said, “Life is relationships. The rest is just details.” If your life is full of broken relationships, it’s almost impossible for you to find joy and fulfilment. So if there are broken relationships in your life, take the first step toward resolving the conflict.

30. Be excited and passionate about life. One of my coaching clients recently said to me, “My parents don’t seem excited about anything in life, except eating good food.” This client of mine was troubled by this fact, and he wondered if his life would turn out to be as “sad” as his parents’ lives. I’m not here to judge anyone, but if you want to set a good example for your children, then choose to be passionate about life. Learn a new skill. Show kindness to others. Start a new project. Conquer a fear. Contribute to your community. Get outside your comfort zone. Take just one small step today!

Conclusion

At this point, you might be thinking, “You mean I’m supposed to do all these 30 things to set a good example for my children? I’m not perfect, you know?!”

Of course, you’re not perfect. Neither am I.

But we can always strive to improve, to become better people and better parents who have better parenting skills.

So I encourage you to identify just one or two items from the list that you’d like to work on. Make one small change this week, or even this month.

As John C. Maxwell said, “People may teach what they know, but they reproduce what they are.”

This principle applies to parenting too. As parents, we reproduce in our children the traits we possess.

As such, if we want to raise exemplary children, we need to lead exemplary lives ourselves.

This is a lifelong journey that we get to embark on. So let’s embrace the challenges along the way with hope and excitement!

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Do you want to have good parenting skills?

Of course you do.

You want to help your children make the most of their potential, and you want them to be contributing members of society.

But it’s time-consuming to sift through all the parenting tips out there.

What makes it more confusing is that the tips from different “parenting experts” are often contradictory!

I wanted to know what parenting skills and tips have been proven to be effective. So I read through all the scientific articles I could find.

Based on many hours of research, I’ve come up with this list of 12 good parenting skills. (If you’d like to discover another three skills effective parents have, download the free bonus below.)

Research-backed good parenting skills

To become more effective as a parent, practise the skills that have been proven to get the best results.

These will become the parenting strengths you can then rely on to raise children who develop into confident, successful adults.

Parenting skill #1: Focus more on your children’s positive behaviour than negative behaviour.

Yale University psychology professor Alan Kazdin explains that parents should be intentional about focusing more on their children’s positive behaviour than on their negative behaviour.^[1]

The more parents scold or reprimand, the more the bad behaviour gets repeated.

When they receive a lot of scolding, children start to internalise the belief that “I’m a bad child who misbehaves and gets scolded”.

As such, they don’t feel motivated to correct their behaviour, because it has already become a part of their identity.

Effective parents understand that the better approach is to acknowledge or describe their children’s good behaviour when they see it.

You may have to go out of your way to do this. (You can also check out these 50+ positive things to say to your children.)

Approach this with patience and dedication and you’ll observe your children’s behaviour improving over time.

Parenting skill #2: Teach your children to focus on the needs of others.

Lara Aknin’s research shows that children find happiness through giving to others.^[2]

In fact, children find greater happiness when they give to others sacrificially.

These are interesting findings, because most of us are naturally self-centred. We look out for our own needs before the needs of others.

But the research indicates that if we overcome our selfish nature and focus on the needs of others, we’ll be happier.

If you want your children to lead joyful, fulfilling lives, teach them to serve others and contribute. Involve them in activities where they get to help others and make a positive impact.

When your children think more in terms of contribution and less in terms of achievement, they’ll be on the path of building a happy and successful life.

Parenting skill #3: Don’t shout at your children.

You’ve probably already told yourself that you shouldn’t shout at your children.

But when your children are driving you up the wall, it isn’t easy to stop yourself from yelling.

Ming-Te Wang’s research findings are clear: The more you shout at your children, the more their behaviour will worsen.^[3]

Instead of trying to control your children’s behaviour, understand their perspective and feelings. Then use logical reasoning to get through to them.

To improve your parenting skills and better manage your anger, try these tips:

• Make a firm decision that you won’t shout at your children unless it’s a matter of safety
• Decide beforehand what you’ll do if you start to become angry
• Walk away from the situation if necessary
• Take five deep breaths when you become agitated
• Avoid using threats
• Analyse the role you have to play in the conflict
• Think about what unmet needs your child has, so that you can get to the root of the issue, e.g. he might feel as if he has no control over his life, which explains his rebellious or risky behaviour.

Parenting skill #4: Give your children responsibilities around the house.

The Harvard Study of Adult Development is one of the longest longitudinal studies ever done.

One finding of the study is that children who do more chores around the house become happier later on.^[4]

Household responsibilities teach children important life lessons related to duty, cooperation, community and hard work.

People who learn such lessons early in life are more likely to become well-adjusted adults.

Successful parents make household chores a part of the family’s routine and culture. This sets children up for future success.

Parenting skill #5: Build a strong relationship with your spouse.

What does your marriage have to do with your parenting skills?

Children from low-conflict families are happier and more successful in the long run, as compared to children from high-conflict families.^[5]

The research shows that parents who have a healthy marriage are more likely to raise children who are well-adjusted. Furthermore, you’ll set an example for when they start dating in high school.

One of the most important things you can do to benefit your children is to build a strong relationship with your spouse.

I don’t claim to be a marriage expert, but here are some pieces of advice I’ve received that have helped my wife and I to build a strong marriage:

• Focus on solving problems instead of assigning blame
• Remember that the relationship is more important than being right
• Whenever possible, sit side-by-side when you’re at a restaurant or café
• Make time to talk every day
• Ask “What can I give to the relationship?” more often than you ask “What can I get from the relationship?”
• Discuss your future plans together
• Don’t pick on your spouse’s flaws
• Compliment your spouse in front of other people
• Occasionally ask your spouse, “What can I do to be a better husband/wife?”
• Don’t compare your marriage with other people’s marriages
• Be kind and polite to your spouse

Parenting skill #6: Teach your children to view challenges positively.

Renowned psychologist Carol Dweck has spent decades trying to understand how your mindset affects how successful you become.

She has found that people who view challenges and obstacles positively are far more likely to become successful than those who don’t.^[6]

Successful people look at challenges and think: “It’s going to be hard, but it’s going to be fun. I’m going to learn a lot through the process of overcoming these challenges.”

On the other hand, people who aren’t so successful look at challenges and think: “It’s going to be hard, so I’d rather do something easier. I’ll try to avoid these challenges, but if I really can’t I’ll find a shortcut instead.”

These differing attitudes develop in childhood and adolescence. As such, good parents hone their skill of enabling their children to view challenges positively.

Parenting skill #7: Don’t do things for your children that your children should do themselves.

Parents want their children to be responsible and independent.

But, at the same time, they feel the urge to supervise their children closely and do things for their children that their children ought to do themselves.

This explains the prevalence of helicopter parents.

Larry Nelson’s research shows that helicopter parenting causes children to become less engaged in school, and causes their well-being to suffer too.^[7]

A good parenting skill to develop is how not to be a helicopter parent.

Here are some ways to ensure you don’t become a helicopter parent and instead develop parenting strengths:

• Don’t do things for your children that are their own responsibility
• Let your children make age-appropriate choices
• Let your children deal with the natural consequences of their choices
• As far as possible, refrain from saying “You’re too young to…”
• Don’t allow your children to become the centre of your universe
• Let your children fail
• Ask your children, “How do you think you might be able to solve the problem?”

Parenting skill #8: Help your children develop social skills.

Researchers tracked more than 750 children over a period of 13 to 19 years. They found a correlation between the children’s social skills as kindergarteners and how self-confident and successful they were as adults.^[8]

These findings highlight the importance of teaching children social skills.

Here’s a list of social skills that you can help your children develop:

• Sharing
• Giving feedback
• Accepting differences
• Respecting others’ rights and property
• Identifying others’ feelings
• Seeing things from others’ perspective
• Making eye contact
• Managing negative emotions
• Listening
• Not interrupting
• Resolving conflicts
• Disagreeing respectfully
• Cooperating
• Helping others
• Complimenting others
• Being polite
• Asking for help

In addition, here’s a handy resource that’s filled with activities to teach children social skills.

Parenting skill #9: Guide your children without controlling or micromanaging them.

Psychologist Diana Baumrind has done years of research about the effects of different parenting styles on children.^[9]

She concluded that there are three types of parenting styles in general:

• Permissive: The parent is too lenient and gives in to the child’s unreasonable demands too often. The parent doesn’t set consistent boundaries or rules. Children with permissive parents often become “spoiled”.
• Authoritarian: The parent is too strict, and is frequently harsh and uncompromising. The parent often coerces or forces the child into doing things. Children with authoritarian parents often become resentful and rebellious in the long run.
• Authoritative: The parent is “just right”, showing warmth and affection toward the child without being indulgent. The parent sets boundaries for the child, but is willing to compromise or negotiate if the situation calls for it. All else being equal, children with authoritative parents are the most likely to lead happy, successful lives.

Furthermore, Wendy Grolnick’s research also indicates that children who are raised by controlling parents are less independent and are less likely to develop problem solving skills.^[10]

Of course, it’s easier said than done for parents to adopt an authoritative parenting style all the time. But the research shows that this is the most effective approach to take.

So make an effort to guide and coach your children, without being controlling. This is a parenting skill that’s definitely worth developing!

(You can also look into educational coaching as a means to help your children become more proactive and self-motivated.)

Parenting skill #10: Give your children a sense of security.

Research by Lee Raby indicates that children who have a strong sense of security early on in life go on to perform better in school. These children also go on to have healthier relationships in adulthood.^[11]

This may seem like an obvious finding, but it’s interesting to note that early experiences have such a profound impact on a child’s development.

To build on your parenting strengths and give your children a sense of security, do the following:

• Show affection toward them
• Appreciate them
• Treat them with respect
• Acknowledge their feelings
• Set consistent boundaries
• Give them your full attention when you’re with them
• Be approachable
• Remind them that you love them unconditionally
• Keep your promises
• Be dependable and trustworthy

Parenting skill #11: Help your children to develop resilience and perseverance.

Psychologist Angela Duckworth has found that grit – defined as “perseverance and passion for long-term goals” – is one of the most important traits that leads to success.^[12]

When it comes to long-term success, the research indicates that grit is more important than factors like IQ and talent.

How can you master the parenting skills that will help your children develop grit?

Here are some suggestions:

• Emphasise progress over perfection
• Encourage them to take on manageable challenges
• Emphasise effort over outcome
• Model for them what it means to be gritty
• Show them that you’re continually taking risks and getting outside your comfort zone
• Talk about the challenges you face and what you’re doing to overcome them
• Focus more on contribution and less on achievement
• Let them make mistakes

Parenting skill #12: Manage your own stress effectively.

A fascinating study conducted by Marilyn Essex shows that parents’ stress can affect their children’s genes for many years into the future.^[13]

This highlights how vital it is for parents to manage their own stress effectively.

Stress affects you, but it also affects your children!

I’ve heard it said that stress is a fact of life, but that it should never become a way of life.

Managing stress is a huge topic on its own. So if you’re under a lot of stress, I encourage you to check out this article and this article for practical tips on how parents can manage their stress better.

Improve your parenting skills and watch your children thrive

You’re committed to developing the skills needed to be a good, effective, and even world-class parent.

How do I know this?

You’ve made it to the end of this 2,000-word article. That’s something only committed parents would do. 🙂

As you implement the tips listed in this article, you’ll become a better parent.

(Download the free bonus below to learn three more skills you ought to develop.)

Over time, you’ll observe your children becoming more responsible, resilient and self-motivated.

And you won’t have to nag them anymore either.

Of course, this is a journey that will take time and effort. But it’ll be worth it!

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