40 Motivational Quotes for Students: Get Inspired to Study Hard

Updated on February 12, 2025 By Daniel Wong 161 Comments

Reading motivational quotes for students can give you a quick boost of inspiration to study.

Let me ask you a question…

Do you ever struggle with a lack of motivation?

You’re supposed to be studying for next week’s test. But instead you end up texting your friends, watching videos, or playing games.

After procrastinating for an hour, you finally get down to work.

But you just don’t feel that motivated.

Sound familiar?

Developing long-term motivation is a complicated issue.

But you can become more motivated to study in the short term by reading inspirational and encouraging quotes.

So I’ve compiled this list of 40 motivational quotes for students to help you study hard.

The quotes are listed below according to the following categories:

Believing in yourself
Cultivating a success mindset
Overcoming procrastination
Hard work
Not making excuses
Perseverance

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Quotes about believing in yourself

1. Believe you can and you’re halfway there.

2. You have to expect things of yourself before you can do them.

3. It always seems impossible until it’s done.

4. Don’t let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do. – John Wooden

Quotes about cultivating a success mindset

5. Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can. – Arthur Ashe

6. Successful and unsuccessful people do not vary greatly in their abilities. They vary in their desires to reach their potential. – John Maxwell

7. The secret of success is to do the common things uncommonly well. – John D. Rockefeller

8. Good things come to people who wait, but better things come to those who go out and get them.

9. Strive for progress, not perfection.

10. I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have. – Thomas Jefferson

11. Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out. – Robert Collier

12. Don’t wish it were easier; wish you were better. – Jim Rohn

13. I don’t regret the things I’ve done. I regret the things I didn’t do when I had the chance.

14. There are two kinds of people in this world: those who want to get things done and those who don’t want to make mistakes. – John Maxwell

Quotes about overcoming procrastination when it comes to studying

15. The secret to getting ahead is getting started.

16. You don’t have to be great to start, but you have to start to be great.

17. The expert in everything was once a beginner.

Quotes about hard work

18. There are no shortcuts to any place worth going. – Beverly Sills

19. Push yourself, because no one else is going to do it for you.

20. Some people dream of accomplishing great things. Others stay awake and make it happen.

21. There is no substitute for hard work. – Thomas Edison

22. The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little “extra.”

23. You don’t always get what you wish for; you get what you work for.

24. It’s not about how bad you want it. It’s about how hard you’re willing to work for it.

25. The only place where success comes before work is in the dictionary. – Vidal Sassoon

26. There are no traffic jams on the extra mile. – Zig Ziglar

27. If people only knew how hard I’ve worked to gain my mastery, it wouldn’t seem so wonderful at all. – Michelangelo

Quotes about not making excuses

28. If it’s important to you, you’ll find a way. If not, you’ll find an excuse. – Ryan Blair

29. Don’t say you don’t have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michelangelo, Mother Teresea, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein. – H. Jackson Brown Jr.

Quotes about developing perseverance as a student

30. Challenges are what make life interesting. Overcoming them is what makes life meaningful. – Joshua J. Marine

31. Life has two rules: 1) Never quit. 2) Always remember Rule #1.

32. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed. – Michael Jordan

33. I don’t measure a man’s success by how high he climbs, but how high he bounces when he hits the bottom. – George S. Patton

34. If you’re going through hell, keep going. – Winston Churchill

35. Don’t let your victories go to your head, or your failures go to your heart.

36. Failure is the opportunity to begin again more intelligently. – Henry Ford

37. You don’t drown by falling in the water; you drown by staying there. – Ed Cole

38. The difference between a stumbling block and a stepping-stone is how high you raise your foot.

39. The pain you feel today is the strength you will feel tomorrow. For every challenge encountered there is opportunity for growth.

40. It’s not going to be easy, but it’s going to be worth it.

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4 Words of Advice for Students Who Want to Succeed in Life

Updated on January 6, 2026 By Daniel Wong 6 Comments

Success.

Everyone wants it. And some who have already achieved it hunger for even more.

But what does success mean? How do you ensure that your success is enduring, not just temporary?

These are hard questions, and I don’t claim to have all the answers.

But since completing my formal education and entering the “real world,” I’ve learned a lot about what it takes to find long-term success.

My mission is to empower students to become both happy and successful. So these are my four words of advice to students who want to succeed in life:

1. Focus on contribution, not achievement.

Society tends to emphasize achievement rather than contribution.

But real success isn’t determined by how much you’ve achieved. It’s determined by how much you’ve contributed.

And the size of your contribution isn’t limited by your job title. As Harry Beckwith once said, “There is no such thing as an ordinary job. There are only people who choose to perform them in ordinary ways.”

Your contributions have less to do with your career, and more to do with how committed you are and how much you care.

If you’re committed to a cause you care about deeply, you’ll go the extra mile to serve others and make a difference. No “unimpressive” job title will be able to stand in your way.

That’s why people like Martin Luther King, Jr., Mother Teresa, Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, and Oprah Winfrey were busy changing the world, long before they became famous.

All work – except for illegal trades – directly or indirectly involves serving others, meeting their needs, or empowering them to lead better lives.

Work is intrinsically meaningful. It gives us opportunities to contribute, and to make the world a better place.

Those who succeed in life don’t simply coast along. They don’t just go with the flow. Instead, they go beyond the call of duty, time after time.

As Zig Ziglar observed, “You can have everything you want in life, if you will help enough other people get what they want.”

So think of ways that you can go beyond the call of duty.

Here are some examples:

Share your knowledge with others
Go out of your way to honor your parents
Write a thank-you note to someone who has made a difference in your life
Volunteer
Do something to brighten up your friend’s, parent’s, or teacher’s day
Mentor someone younger and less experienced than you
Start a website to share useful information with others

The possibilities are endless. But it all starts with a desire to contribute, not just achieve.

2. Commit to personal growth.

One of my favorite quotes is this anonymous one:

“Many succeed momentarily by what they know. Some succeed temporarily by what they do. Few succeed permanently by what they are.”

If you want to attain lasting success, what matters most is character. Knowledge and skills pale in comparison. I’ve even heard several employers remark that they’ve learned to hire for character rather than competence.

To build character, commit to personal growth. Take intentional steps to become more hardworking, disciplined, generous, kind, focused, resilient, caring, and empathetic.

Focus on the process, instead of the outcome. As Dr. Carol Dweck’s research has shown, adopting this mindset leads to long-term success. Ironically, by focusing on improving and developing – rather than on achieving a specific result – you’ll achieve an even better result.

At the end of the day, personal growth isn’t about being better than others so you can feel good about yourself.

Personal growth is about the pursuit of excellence. It’s about continual improvement. It’s about making the most of this one precious life we’ve each been given.

So what are some practical ways to help you grow as a person?

Here are several:

Every day, spend five minutes in reflection
Do one thing a week that forces you out of your comfort zone
Overcome a bad habit
Eliminate unwanted distractions
Read a book
Learn a new skill
Take up a new hobby
Surround yourself with people you aspire to be like
Sign up for a workshop
Take an online course at Udemy or Coursera
Subscribe to an educational YouTube channel like CrashCourse or AsapSCIENCE

Personal growth is never wasted. It helps you to embrace possibilities and to cultivate a sense of wonder.

And, without a doubt, it will lead you down the path of enduring success.

3. Invest in your most important relationships.

The quality of your relationships determines the quality of your life.

This study followed 268 Harvard students over the course of 75 years. The study collected data on many aspects of their lives, and sought to answer the question: Which factors lead to long-term happiness and fulfillment?

The study discovered that having strong relationships is the most important factor. In fact, the study found “strong relationships to be far and away the strongest predictor of life satisfaction.” You might have wealth, physical health, and a thriving career, but without strong relationships you won’t be happy.

How does this principle apply to students who want to succeed in life?

Don’t become so obsessed about getting to the top that you forget about bringing people along with you on the journey.

So take a few minutes and identify the most important relationships in your life. Commit to investing in these relationships. Make them a priority, and don’t let your work or hobbies get in the way.

Every week, block out time in your calendar to spend with your close friends and family. Keep track of the important things going on in their lives, and check in with them periodically. They’ll appreciate this more than you imagine.

It’s easy to be distracted by urgent matters, while neglecting the important ones. So guard your time and your relationships. That’s the only way you’ll find lasting success and happiness.

4. Cultivate a spirit of gratitude.

Life is full of challenges and struggles. But, at the same time, there are always things to be grateful for.

When you cultivate a spirit of gratitude, you’ll complain less. You’ll develop a positive attitude, and people will enjoy being around you more. You’ll become a less anxious person, too.

This will help you find enduring success.

Here are more benefits of gratitude, backed by science:

It helps you to make more friends
It improves your physical health
It enhances your sleep quality
It increases your self-esteem
It builds resilience
It reduces stress
It makes you more generous and compassionate

Isn’t this an incredible list?

So, if you haven’t already done so, start a gratitude journal. Every night before you go to bed, take a minute and write down just one thing you’re thankful for.

This habit will train your mind to focus on the positive, and will cultivate a sense of hope for the future.

I’ve kept a gratitude journal for the past eight years – it’s made me a much more appreciative person!

The bottom line

I’m not so naïve to think that I know everything about success. But I do know that real success is hard to attain.

It demands that we lead a life of principles, not just pragmatism.

A life of meaning, not materialism.

A life of conviction, not convenience.

A life of service, not self-centeredness.

We’re all on a journey toward success. Together, let’s make it a great one.

An earlier version of this article first appeared on Yahoo!.

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How to Study Smart: 20 Scientific Ways to Learn Faster

Updated on January 6, 2026 By Daniel Wong 304 Comments

To improve your grades, you can either spend more time studying, or you can learn to study smart.

168.

That’s how many hours there are in a week.

If you’re a student, you probably feel like this isn’t enough.

After all, you have so many assignments to do, projects to work on, and tests to study for.

Plus, you have other activities and commitments.

And you want to have a social life too.

Wouldn’t it be nice if you could study smarter (not harder), get good grades, and lead a balanced life?

Of course it would. That’s why I wrote this article.

The main aim of education isn’t to get straight A’s. But learning how to learn is a crucial life skill.

So I spent hours scouring scientific articles and research journals to find the best ways to learn more effectively.

I’m a lifelong top student myself, and I’ve since completed my formal education. Over the course of my academic career, I’ve used almost all the smart studying tips outlined in this article, so I can verify that they work.

Let’s get started. Here are 20 scientific ways to learn faster.

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How to study smarter and more efficiently

Studying smart essentially means learning how to learn.

This includes how to learn faster and more efficiently, while retaining information for longer.

1. Learn the same information in a variety of ways.

The research (Willis, J. 2008) shows that different media stimulate different parts of the brain. The more areas of the brain that are activated, the more likely it is that you’ll understand and retain the information.^[1]

So to learn a specific topic, you could do the following:

Read the class notes
Read the textbook
Watch a Khan Academy video
Look up other online resources
Create a mind map
Teach someone what you’ve learned
Do practice problems from a variety of sources

Of course, you won’t be able to do all of these things in one sitting. But each time you review the topic, use a different resource or method – you’ll learn faster this way.

2. Study multiple subjects each day, rather than focusing on just one or two subjects.

It’s more effective to study multiple subjects each day to help you stay focused, than to deep-dive into one or two subjects (Rohrer, D. 2012).^[2]

For example, if you’re preparing for exams in math, history, physics, and chemistry, it’s better to study a bit of each subject every day. This approach will help you to learn faster than by focusing on just math on Monday, history on Tuesday, physics on Wednesday, chemistry on Thursday, and so on.

Why?

Because you’re likely to confuse similar information if you study a lot of the same subject in one day.

So as a tip to learn faster, spread out your study time for each subject. In so doing, your brain will have more time to consolidate your learning.

3. Review the information periodically, instead of cramming.

Periodic review is essential if you want to move information from your short-term memory to your long-term memory. This will help you get better exam grades.

As the research (Cepeda, N. 2008) shows, periodic review beats cramming hands-down.^[3]

The optimal review interval varies, depending on how long you want to retain the information. But experience – both my own and through working with students – tells me that the following review intervals work well (I explain the entire periodic review system in this article):

1st review: 1 day after learning the new information
2nd review: 3 days after the 1st review
3rd review: 7 days after the 2nd review
4th review: 21 days after the 3rd review
5th review: 30 days after the 4th review
6th review: 45 days after the 5th review
7th review: 60 days after the 6th review

4. Sit at the front of the class.

If you get to choose where you sit during class, grab a seat at the front. Studies show that students who sit at the front tend to get higher exam scores (Rennels & Chaudhari, 1988). The average scores of students, depending on where they sat in class, are as follows (Giles, 1982):

Front rows: 80%
Middle rows: 71.6%
Back rows: 68.1%

These findings were obtained under conditions where the seating positions were teacher-assigned.^[4] This means it’s not just a case of the more motivated students choosing to sit at the front, and the less motivated students choosing to sit at the back.

By sitting at the front, you’ll be able to see the board and hear the teacher more clearly, and your concentration will improve too.

Now you know where the best seats in class are!

5. Don’t multitask.

The data is conclusive: Multitasking makes you less productive, more distracted, and dumber.^[5]^[6]^[7] The studies even show that people who claim to be good at multitasking aren’t actually better at it than the average person.

Effective students focus on just one thing at a time. So don’t try to study while also intermittently replying to text messages, watching TV, and checking your Twitter feed.

Here are some suggestions for how to study smart by improving your concentration:

Turn off notifications on your phone
Put your phone away, or turn it to airplane mode
Log out of all instant messaging programs
Turn off the Internet access on your computer
Use an app like Freedom
Close all of your Internet browser windows that aren’t related to the assignment you’re working on
Clear the clutter from your study area

6. Simplify, summarize, and compress the information.

Use mnemonic devices like acronyms, as these are proven to increase learning efficiency.^[8]

Example #1

If you want to memorize the electromagnetic spectrum in order of increasing frequency, you could use this acronym/sentence:

Raging Martians Invaded Venus Using X-ray Guns

(In order of increasing frequency, the electromagnetic spectrum is: Radio, Microwave, Infrared, Visible, Ultraviolet, X-rays, Gamma rays.)

Example #2

Question: Stalactites and stalagmites – which ones grow from the top of the cave and which ones grow from the ground?

Answer: Stalactites grow from the top, while stalagmites grow from the ground.

Study smart by using mnemonic devices whenever possible. In addition, you could summarize the information into a comparison table, diagram, or mind map.^[9] These tools will help you learn the information much faster.

7. Take notes by hand, instead of using your laptop.

If you want to learn how to study efficiently, write your notes by hand.

Scientists recommend this, and not just because you’re more likely to give in to online distractions when using your laptop. Even when laptops are used only for note-taking, learning is less effective (Mueller, P. 2013).^[10]

Why?

Because students who take notes by hand tend to process and reframe the information.

In contrast, laptop note-takers tend to write down what the teacher says word-for-word, without first processing the information.

As such, students who take notes by hand perform better in tests and exams.

Using an efficient note-taking strategy will reduce the amount of time you need to invest to achieve the same (or better) result.

8. Write down your worries.

Will I do well on this exam?

What if I forget the key concepts and equations?

What if the exam is harder than expected?

These kinds of thoughts probably run through your head before you take an exam. But if these thoughts run wild, the accompanying anxiety can affect your grades.

Here’s the solution …

In one experiment,^[11] researchers at the University of Chicago discovered that students who wrote about their feelings about an upcoming exam for 10 minutes performed better than students who didn’t. The researchers say that this technique is especially effective for habitual worriers.

Psychologist Kitty Klein has also shown that expressive writing, in the form of journaling, improves memory and learning.^[12] Klein explains that such writing allows students to express their negative feelings, which helps them to be less distracted by these feelings.

To be less anxious, take 10 minutes and write down all the things related to the upcoming exam that you’re worried about. As a result of this simple exercise, you’ll get better grades.

9. Test yourself frequently.

Decades of research has shown that self-testing is crucial if you want to improve your academic performance.^[13]

In one experiment, University of Louisville psychologist Keith Lyle taught the same statistics course to two groups of undergraduates.

For the first group, Lyle asked the students to complete a four- to six-question quiz at the end of each lecture. The quiz was based on material he’d just covered.

For the second group, Lyle didn’t give the students any quizzes.

At the end of the course, Lyle discovered that the first group significantly outperformed the second on all four midterm exams.

So don’t just passively read your textbook or your class notes. Study smart by quizzing yourself on the key concepts and equations.

The Feynman technique is particularly effective in understanding concepts and memorizing them long-term. And as you prepare for a test, do as many practice questions as you can from different sources.

10. Connect what you’re learning with something you already know.

Study faster by connecting new concepts with the knowledge you already have.

In their book, Make It Stick: The Science of Successful Learning, scientists Henry Roediger III and Mark A. McDaniel explain that the more strongly you relate new concepts to concepts you already understand, the faster you’ll learn the new information.^[14]

For example, if you’re learning about electricity, you could relate it to the flow of water. Voltage is akin to water pressure, current is akin to the flow rate of water, a battery is akin to a pump, and so on.

Another example: You can think of white blood cells as “soldiers” that defend our body against diseases, which are the “enemies.”

It takes time and effort to think about how to connect new information to what you already know, but the investment is worth it.

11. Read key information out loud.

Studies have been conducted, which demonstrate that reading information out loud helps students to learn faster than by reading silently (MacLeod CM, 2010 & Ozubko JD, 2010).^[15]^[16]

What’s the reason for this?

When you read information out loud, you both see and hear it. On the other hand, when you read information silently, you only see it.

It isn’t practical to read every single word of every single set of notes out loud. That would take way too much time.

So here’s the process I recommend to study faster by reading aloud:

Step 1: As you read your notes, underline the key concepts/equations. Don’t stop to memorize these key concepts/equations; underline them and move on.

Step 2: After you’ve completed Step 1 for the entire set of notes, go back to the underlined parts and read each key concept/equation out loud as many times as you deem necessary. Read each concept/equation slowly.

Step 3: After you’ve done this for each of the underlined key concepts/equations, take a three-minute break.

Step 4: When your three-minute break is over, go to each underlined concept/equation one at a time, and cover it (either with your hand or a piece of paper). Test yourself to see if you’ve actually memorized it.

Step 5: For the concepts/equations that you haven’t successfully memorized, repeat Steps 2, 3, and 4.

12. Take regular study breaks.

Taking regular study breaks enhances overall productivity and improves focus (Ariga & Lleras, 2011).^[17]

That’s why it isn’t a good idea to hole yourself up in your room for six hours straight to study for an exam.

You might feel like you get a lot done this way, but the research proves that breaks help you to study faster in the long run. So take a 5- to 10-minute break for every 40 minutes of work.

I recommend that you use a timer or stopwatch to remind you when to take a break and when to get back to studying.

During your break, refrain from using your phone or computer, because these devices prevent your mind from fully relaxing.

13. Reward yourself at the end of each study session.

Before starting a study session, set a specific reward for completing the session. By doing this, you’ll promote memory formation and learning (Adcock RA, 2006).^[18]

The reward could be something as simple as:

Going for a short walk
Eating a healthy snack
Listening to your favorite music
Stretching
Doing a couple of sets of exercise
Playing a musical instrument
Taking a shower

Reward yourself at the end of every session – you’ll study smarter and learn faster.

14. Focus on the process, not the outcome.

Students who succeed in school concentrate on learning the information, not on trying to get a certain grade.

Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck’s research shows that these students:^[19]

Focus on effort, not the end result
Focus on the process, not on achievement
Believe they can improve – even in their weak subjects – as long as they put in the time and hard work
Embrace challenges
Define success as pushing themselves to learn something new, not as getting straight A’s

Not-so-successful students tend to set performance goals, while successful students tend to set learning goals.^[20]

What’s the difference between these two types of goals?

Performance goals (e.g. getting 90% on the next math test, getting into a top-ranked school) are about looking intelligent and proving yourself to others.

In contrast, learning goals (e.g. doing three algebra problems every other day, learning five new French words a day) are about mastery and growth.

Most schools emphasize the importance of getting a certain exam score or passing a certain number of subjects. Ironically, if you want to meet – and surpass – these standards, you’d be better off ignoring the desired outcome and concentrating on the learning process instead.

15. Drink at least eight glasses of water a day.

You probably think you drink enough water, but studies show that up to 75% of people are in a chronic state of dehydration.^[21 ^]

Dehydration is bad for your brain – and your exam grades too.

University of East London researchers have found that your brain’s overall mental processing power decreases when you’re dehydrated (Edmonds, C. 2013).^[22] Further research has shown that dehydration even causes the grey matter in your brain to shrink.^[23]

The simple solution?

Drink at least eight glasses of water a day. Bring a water bottle wherever you go, and drink water before you start to feel thirsty.

And if you’re taking an exam, bring a water bottle with you. Every 40 minutes or so, drink some water. This will help you stay hydrated and improve your exam performance. Plus, this also acts as a short break to refresh your mind.

16. Exercise at least three times a week.

Exercise is good for your body. It’s also very good for your brain.

Various studies have shown that exercise …

Improves your memory^[24]
Improves your brain function^[25]^[26]
Reduces the occurrence of depression
Helps to prevent diseases like diabetes, cancer, and osteoporosis
Enhances your sleep quality
Reduces stress
Improves your mood^[27]

Exercise is quite the miracle drug!

So to study smarter, exercise at least three times a week for 30 to 45 minutes each time. You’ll be healthier and more energetic, and you’ll remember information better too.

17. Sleep at least eight hours a night, and don’t pull all-nighters.

When considering how to study efficiently, don’t neglect sleep.

I’ve spoken to and worked with 20,000 students so far. Not a single one has told me that he or she consistently gets eight hours of sleep a night.

“There’s just so much to do,” I hear students say, again and again. As a student, sleep often seems more like a luxury than a necessity.

But what does the research have to say about sleep?

The research shows that if you get enough sleep, you’ll be more focused, you’ll learn faster,^[28] and your memory will improve.^[29] You’ll also deal with stress more effectively.^[30]

This is a recipe for excellent grades.

So sleep at least eight hours a night. This way, you will have more productive study sessions and you won’t need to spend as much time hitting the books.

In addition, sleep expert Dan Taylor says that learning the most difficult material immediately before going to bed makes it easier to recall the next day.^[31] So whenever possible, arrange your schedule such that you study the hardest topic right before you sleep.

Lastly, don’t pull all-nighters. As psychologist Pamela Thacher’s research shows, students who pull all-nighters get lower grades and make more careless mistakes.^[32]

18. Eat blueberries.

Blueberries are rich in flavonoids, which strengthen connections in the brain and stimulate the regeneration of brain cells.

Researchers at the University of Reading have found that eating blueberries improves both short-term and long-term memory (Whyte, A. & Williams, C. 2014).^[33]^[34] Blueberries may also help to prevent degenerative diseases like Alzheimer’s.

19. Eat chicken and eggs.

A team of researchers from Boston University conducted a long-term study on 1,400 adults over 10 years. They found that participants who had diets high in choline performed better on memory tests.^[35]

Choline is the precursor to acetylcholine, which is essential for the formation of new memories.

What foods are high in choline?

Chicken and eggs (the egg yolk contains 90% of the total choline in the egg^[36]).

Just in case you’re worried about the high cholesterol content of egg yolks, you can breathe a sigh of relief. Recent studies show that eggs – including the yolk – are a healthy food for almost everyone.^[37]

And if you’re a vegetarian, there are alternatives to getting choline in your diet:

Lentils
Sunflower seeds
Pumpkin seeds
Almonds
Cabbage
Cauliflower
Broccoli

20. Eat omega-3 fatty acids.

Omega-3 fatty acids are critical for brain function.^[38]One experiment (Yehuda, S. 2005) also found that taking a combination of omega-3 and omega-6 fatty acids reduced test anxiety in students and improved their mental concentration.^[39]

Omega-3 fatty acids are linked to the prevention of high blood pressure, heart disease, diabetes, arthritis, osteoporosis, depression, attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), dementia, Alzheimer’s, asthma, colorectal cancer, and prostate cancer.^[40]

That’s an incredible list!

Here are foods that are rich in omega-3 fatty acids:

Salmon
Sardines
Mackerel
Trout
Flaxseed
Pumpkin seeds
Walnuts

The bottom line on studying smart

This is a long article that contains a lot of information. But don’t feel overwhelmed, because there’s no need to implement everything at one shot.

As the saying goes…

How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.

In the same way, to implement all 20 tips in this article, do it one tip at a time. Focus on just one tip a week, or even one tip a month.

Once you’ve turned that tip into a consistent study habit, move on to the next one.

Throughout the process, don’t let the goal of getting straight A’s become an unhealthy obsession. After all, education is about more than getting good grades.

It’s about the pursuit of excellence. It’s about cultivating your strengths. And it’s about learning and growing, so you can contribute more effectively.

There’s hard work involved, but I know you’re up to the challenge. 🙂

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15 Things Parents Should Stop Saying to Their Children

Updated on January 6, 2026 By Daniel Wong 4 Comments

Do you wish you had a better relationship with your children?

Maybe your children don’t communicate much with you. They spend most of their time in their room, glued to their smartphone or computer.

Maybe they also lack motivation – except when it comes to social media and gaming.

If this describes your children, don’t despair. In this article, I’ll share with you specific ways to improve the situation.

I’ve spoken to and worked with 20,000 pre-teens and teens, and they’ve confessed to me why they behave this way.

Want to know the reason?

It’s because of the way their parents talk to them.

Of course, the parent-child relationship is a two-way street. But if parents stopped saying certain things, children would become more communicative, respectful, and responsible.

So here’s a list of 15 things that parents should stop saying to their children…

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1. “You always …” or “You never …”

Have you ever said any of the following to your children?

“You always wake up late.”
“You always take the easy way out.”
“You always get in trouble at school.”
“You never submit your homework on time.”
“You never do your chores.”
“You never put your clothes in the laundry basket.”

When you use the phrase “You always …” or “You never …” your children will become defensive. The conversation may then turn into an argument.

After all, there probably have been times when your children did wake up on time, submit their homework before the deadline, or put their clothes in the laundry basket.

So try this approach instead.

State objective facts that your children can’t refute. For instance, you could say to your child: “Over the past week, you’ve woken up late three times, by more than 20 minutes each time. This is an issue we need to resolve.”

By citing specific examples, you and your children will have a more fruitful discussion.

2. “You should be ashamed of yourself.”

The aim isn’t to guilt your children into changing their behavior. Rather, the aim is to coach them to make decisions based on the right values and principles.

Instead of saying “You should be ashamed of yourself,” process the situation with your children.

Help them to see what alternatives they could have considered, so that they’ll make the right choice in the future.

3. “Good job!”

Studies indicate that, in healthy relationships, the ratio of positive comments to negative comments is roughly 6:1.

Unfortunately, I’ve observed that in many families this ratio is reversed. In these families, the negative comments far outnumber the positive ones.

As such, the home environment is tense, and sometimes hostile.

So it’s better to praise your children once in a while than not at all. But the kind of praise matters too.

Telling your children “Good job!” is too general. What exactly did they do that was commendable?

For praise to be meaningful, it must be specific.

Here are some examples of specific praise you could give your children:

“That’s disciplined of you to have worked on your assignment for one hour straight.”
“I appreciate that you’ve done all your household chores over the past two days.”
“That’s thoughtful of you to set the table without anyone asking you to.”
“I appreciate that you woke up on time for school today.”

The more you acknowledge your children’s good behavior, the more they’ll display that behavior.

4. “Why did you …”

You might complete this sentence by saying:

“… hit your brother/sister?”
“… drop the glass cup?”
“… forget to bring your textbook to school?”
“… skip school?”

It’s hard for your children to answer these questions in the heat of the moment. What’s more, your children will feel accused or threatened, so they’ll be more likely to lie.

Try asking “What happened?” instead.

For example, you might say: “Your teacher called to say that you skipped school yesterday. What happened?” There might be a legitimate reason, so don’t jump to conclusions.

5. “What’s wrong with you?”

This one is similar to Phrase #4.

Asking “What’s wrong with you?” will cause your children to become bitter and withdrawn. Besides, it isn’t a question that will help your children to reflect on their bad behavior.

To understand your children’s perspective, say this instead: “What was going through your mind when you did that?”

If you say this calmly, you’ll have a better chance of getting to the root of the problem.

6. “Don’t argue with me.”

You might say this out of exasperation, especially when you feel disrespected.

But from your children’s point of view, they may not think they’re being disrespectful at all. As children explain their opinion, they sometimes don’t realise that they’re being rude.

As such, telling them not to argue with you seems unreasonable.

I’m not saying you should tolerate all rude behavior, but I am saying that children need to know that their opinions count.

So refrain from saying “Don’t argue with me.” Rather, maintain your composure and ask gentle questions to get to the heart of how your children feel.

7. “Because I said so.”

This phrase is the cousin of Phrase #6, and it’s just as ineffective.

Children want to understand the rationale behind family policies. If they don’t, they won’t follow those policies – at least, not willingly.

So take the time to explain the logic to your children. I recommend that you get into problem-solving mode with your children. Brainstorm other possible solutions, and write them down as you go along.

Your children might just come up with ingenious ideas you hadn’t even thought of!

8. “I told you so.”

It’s tempting to say this when your children make a mistake that you’d already warned them about.

But resist this temptation. Your children know they’ve messed up, so don’t rub it in.

Discipline your children if necessary. But before you do that, process the situation with them. Remind them that you’re there for them, and that you love them.

After all, it’s when your children have made a mistake that they need your reassurance and support the most. They don’t need you to tell them “I told you so.”

9. “If I were you …”

Well-meaning parents say this to encourage their children to make a certain decision.

But when children hear this phrase, they immediately think to themselves: “Well, you’re NOT me!” They proceed to tune out the rest of the advice their parents provide.

What’s the better way of getting through to your children?

Share your feelings. Talk about where you stand on the matter. And make it clear that you want to hear your children’s perspective too. Ask them thoughtful questions, and really listen to their responses.

This is the only way to reach an agreement that both you and your children will find reasonable.

10. “Why can’t you be more like your brother/sister/cousin/friend?”

What’s the most common piece of parenting advice you’ve heard?

In all likelihood, it’s “Don’t compare.”

But as a parent, it’s so hard not to compare.

Parents use their children as benchmarks to assess their own ability as parents. This is one big reason why parents compare their children with others.

When you compare, however, your children feel as if your love for them is based on their behavior or performance. They feel as if you would approve of them more, if only they were more like their brother/sister/cousin/friend.

So remind your children that you love them exactly the same, no matter what they do. But at the same time, encourage them to pursue excellence.

Explain to them that we all have responsibilities, and that it’s important to do our best to fulfill those responsibilities.

11. “I know how you feel.”

As a parent, you’ve gone through childhood and adolescence. Which means you’ve experienced betrayal, rejection, and disappointment.

But just because you’ve gone through a similar experience to your children doesn’t mean you know how they feel.

Tweens and teens say to me, “Times have changed. My parents don’t understand how different things are today compared to when they were growing up.”

Do your best to see things from your children’s point of view. Step into their shoes. Try out their games and hobbies. Listen to their favorite music. Get to know their friends. And listen respectfully when they share their thoughts and feelings.

12. “When I was your age …”

You might finish this sentence by saying:

“… I helped out so much more around the house.”
“… I had so many more responsibilities than you.”
“… I studied for eight hours a day.”
“… I had to work for everything I wanted.”
“… I didn’t have all the luxuries that you enjoy today.”

The indirect aim of saying this is to spur your child to become more grateful, hardworking, or disciplined.

But this approach doesn’t work.

Children are all too aware that things today are far different from 30 years ago, so they can’t relate to your experiences.

When you share your experiences, do it such that they understand you better – not as an attempt to coerce them into better behavior.

13. “I know what’s best for you.”

I like this insightful saying by Ann Landers: “It’s not what you do for your children that matters most. It’s what you teach them to do for themselves.”

In other words, parenthood is about helping your children to take full responsibility for their lives.

When you say “I know what’s best for you,” you’re exerting your parental authority. But you’re also missing out on an opportunity to let your children take ownership of the situation.

As long as your children aren’t in physical danger, I encourage you to let them make mistakes. That’s the only way they’ll acquire real-world knowledge and wisdom.

14. “There’s no reason to be scared.”

By saying this, you’re invalidating your children’s feelings. Over time, your children may start to suppress their feelings. They may even have trouble expressing their emotions.

I’ve seen this happen for many of my clients.

Instead of telling your children that they shouldn’t feel a certain way, empathize with them. Teach them to label their feelings and acknowledge them.

This way, your children will learn to manage their emotions, rather than ignore them.

15. “You’re not living up to your potential.”

Parents say this in the hope of inspiring their children to work harder. But this approach isn’t effective.

Why?

Because children will internalize the fact that they’re the type who doesn’t “live up to their potential.” They may begin to see this as a permanent trait.

Some of my clients share with me that they don’t see a reason to change their attitude, since they’ve already been labelled “lazy” or “unmotivated.”

A lack of motivation usually stems from unmet emotional needs. So offer your children help and support – not harsh criticism. And if you’re unable to get to the root of the issue, don’t be afraid to seek professional help.

The bottom line

If you feel like you’re having trouble communicating with your children, you’re not alone.

But rest assured that improving your parent-child relationship isn’t complicated.

All you have to do is stop saying the 15 things mentioned in this article, and you’ll see changes in the relationship. Little by little, your children will become happier, more motivated, and more responsible.

It’ll take time and effort, but it’ll be worth it.

Today’s the day to get started.

An earlier version of this article first appeared on Yahoo!.

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Images: Parent and child, Why, Compare, Scared

15 Ways to Overcome Smartphone Addiction

Updated on January 6, 2026 By Daniel Wong 43 Comments

Nomophobia is short for “no-mobile-phone phobia.”

It’s the fear of being away from your smartphone.

As you might expect, it’s on the rise.

87% of young adults say their smartphone never leaves their side, while 80% of smartphone users check their phone within 15 minutes of waking up.

Smartphone addiction is becoming a big problem. Here are some signs of addiction:

You frequently use your phone at mealtimes.
You spend more time on your phone than interacting with others in person.
You frequently use your phone when you know you should be doing something else more productive.
You frequently use your phone while performing tasks that require focus, such as completing an assignment, writing a report, or driving.
You feel uncomfortable when your phone isn’t with you.
You sometimes check your phone in the middle of the night.

Are you an addict, or do you know someone who is?

No matter how mild or severe the addiction is, here are 15 ways to help you overcome it.

If you implement the tips, I guarantee that you’ll break this habit.

Here are the 15 tips:

1. Turn off notifications.

Many people get distracted by the endless notifications they receive from Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Spotify, and other apps.

You don’t need to know right away if someone “likes” your status update, follows you on Instagram, or sends you an email.

The more often you check your phone, the more it becomes an ingrained habit. So turn off your notifications and you’ll feel less compelled to use your phone.

The only apps for which you don’t turn off notifications might be your text messaging app and your calendar app. This is because sometimes you’re urgently waiting for a text, or your calendar app notifications keep you on schedule.

2. When you feel the urge to check your phone, close your eyes and take a deep breath.

You are reading a set of notes or writing a report. All of a sudden, you feel an overwhelming urge to take out your phone and check your Facebook news feed.

You give in to the urge. You look through your friend’s latest vacation photos and comment on three of them. Next, you read a long article about the hidden lives of supermodels. Then you watch one cat video and one baby video.

Before you know it, 20 minutes have passed – when you only intended to take a 3-minute break.

Sound familiar?

The urge to check your phone comes in waves. If you hold out for just a few seconds, the urge will pass. You’ll then be able to get back to work.

Here’s what I recommend: When you feel like you just have to check your phone, close your eyes and take a deep breath. Inhale for three seconds, and exhale for three seconds. The urge will usually disappear.

If the urge is still there, take another deep breath. You should then have the willpower to return to your original task.

This is a simple but powerful technique to help you break your smartphone addiction.

3. Delete all the social media apps on your phone.

This sounds like a drastic measure, but it isn’t.

You’ll still be able to access social media sites through your phone’s Internet browser.

Almost all social media apps can be accessed through their mobile-friendly websites instead.

Sure, the mobile web experience isn’t as seamless as the app experience. But it’s good enough to satisfy your occasional social media craving.

Plus, the extra step of opening your Internet browser app and typing in the site’s URL adds inconvenience to the process. This will deter you from mindlessly checking your social media updates.

I challenge you to go one step further: Delete every single game on your phone. You’ll become a more productive person as a result.

4. Delete all the apps you don’t use.

This will help you remove the clutter from your phone, and reduce the time you spend “exploring” your apps. As such, you’ll be that much closer to overcoming your smartphone addiction.

Deleting your unused – or little-used – apps also frees up storage space, and improves your phone’s battery life and performance.

5. Set specific boundaries for smartphone usage.

Telling yourself that you should “use your phone less” isn’t effective, because that phrase is too general. To limit your phone usage, set specific boundaries instead.

Here are some possible boundaries:

No phone usage at mealtimes
No phone usage in the restroom
No phone usage at social events
No phone usage during in-person conversations
No phone usage in the bedroom

Start with an easy one, and add one a month. Over time, you’ll see a huge difference in your phone usage patterns.

6. Mute your group chats.

I’ve muted all my Whatsapp group chats except my family group chat. This way, I don’t get bombarded by messages throughout the day.

If you’re like most people, the messages you receive from your group chats aren’t time-sensitive. So it’s fine if you only read through the messages a few times a day.

Besides, muting your group chats is a more polite alternative to suddenly leaving the groups.

7. Archive your inactive chats.

Smartphone users often scroll through dozens of chats before they find the one they’re looking for. In the long run, this wastes a lot of time.

What’s the alternative?

Archive your inactive chats.

If the conversation has ended, archive it. If you currently have hundreds of chats in your messaging app’s home screen, take 10 minutes to go through them and archive the inactive ones.

It will be 10 minutes well spent!

(If you prefer, you can delete your inactive chats instead of archiving them. Note that if you delete a chat, you’ll lose the chat history. But if you archive a chat, the chat history will remain.)

After you’ve completed this process, you’ll probably be left with 5 to 10 active chats in your messaging app’s home screen. This will make it easier for you to find the chats you’re looking for. It will also reduce the clutter in your phone, so you’ll be more organized.

As such, you’ll spend less time processing your text messages, which will help you overcome your smartphone addiction.

8. Reply to text messages just three times a day.

Apart from urgent text messages from family and close friends, don’t reply immediately. I know the temptation to reply right away is great, but you must resist it.

Why?

Because it’s more efficient to reply to text messages in batches, rather than one at a time.

I recommend replying to messages once in the morning, once in the afternoon, and once at night. This will save you time on the whole, and will prevent you from compulsively checking your phone for messages to reply to.

This is in line with the bigger goal: removing your dependence on and addiction to your smartphone.

9. Turn off your phone before going to bed.

Turn off your phone before going to bed, and leave it to charge outside your bedroom. It can be tempting to use your phone in the middle of the night, but you won’t if it takes too much effort to even get to your phone.

If you follow my recommendation, you’ll need to walk out of your room in a half-awake state. Next, you’ll need to wait 30 seconds for your phone to boot up. So you’ll probably just go back to sleep instead – which is what you ought to do anyway.

I can almost hear you saying, “I can’t do this, Daniel. I use my phone as an alarm clock. If my phone is outside my bedroom, I won’t hear the alarm in the morning.”

If that’s you, read on to Tip #10 for the solution.

10. Use an actual alarm clock.

It seems like everyone uses their phone as an alarm clock, right? Well, you can be different and use an actual alarm clock instead.

This way, you’ll have no excuse not to practice Tip #9. Which means you’ll also be on your way to fighting off your smartphone addiction.

11. Before you start work, put your phone at least 10 feet away from you.

Better still, put your phone outside the room where you plan to work. To eliminate temptation completely, turn your phone off – or at least to airplane mode.

Erik Altmann, a professor of psychology at Michigan State University, found that an interruption of just 2.7 seconds doubles your error rate at work.

So use Tip #11 and you’ll get your work done faster and better.

12. Use apps to track and restrict your smartphone usage.

These apps run in the background, so they won’t distract you.

Here’s a handy app to try out:

RescueTime (Android and iOS). This app helps you understand your phone usage patterns, so you’ll know how to become more productive. It gives you a detailed breakdown of how much time you spend using different apps.

13. Wear a watch so you don’t need to check your phone for the time.

You probably use your phone to tell the time. But I’m sure this has happened to you before …

You glance at your phone to see what time it is. As you do this, you see a flood of Facebook notifications and text messages. You start going through them, and in the blink of an eye 15 minutes have gone by.

And all you wanted to do was take two seconds to check the time.

What’s one way to prevent this from happening?

Wear a watch. It’s that simple, really.

14. Tell others about your decision and enlist their help.

If you tell others about your decision to break your smartphone addiction and ask for their help, you’re more likely to succeed.

Here are a few ways you can do that:

Inform your friends and family about your decision, and ask them to check in with you once a week.
Before you get down to work, give your phone to a trusted friend or family member.
Tell your friend that every time you don’t stick to your plan, you’ll give her $10.
Find a friend who’s also addicted to his smartphone, and persuade him to join you in breaking the habit.

15. Lock your phone with an annoyingly long password.

Most people set a short password so they can unlock their phone quickly. But if you want to reduce your smartphone addiction, set a long password instead.

Make it at least 15 characters long, and include symbols and uppercase letters. (You can set this type of password for both Android phones and iPhones.)

The inconvenience of unlocking your phone means that you won’t use your phone mindlessly.

The bottom line

Smartphones are meant to help us lead better and more productive lives. But when we succumb to smartphone addiction, we become slaves to our phone. This affects our relationships, work, and life.

By applying the 15 tips in this article, this won’t happen. In addition, we’ll have more time and energy to build meaningful relationships, serve others, and make a contribution to our community.

All because our eyes aren’t continually glued to a small, glowing screen.

So let’s get to work eliminating our over-reliance on our phones. The world is counting on us.

P.S. I work with students 1-to-1 to help them overcome their smartphone and gaming addictions. In addition, I empower them to become both happy and successful. Click here to find out more about the program.

An earlier version of this article first appeared on Yahoo!.

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Images: Smartphone addiction, Boundary, No mobile phone, Digital watch

How to Deal With a Defiant Child: 10 Strategies That Work

Updated on January 6, 2026 By Daniel Wong 13 Comments

Give yourself a pat on the back.

Parenthood is tough, and you’re doing the best you can.

You thought the worst was over when you no longer had to deal with dirty diapers, multiple middle-of-the-night wakings, and temper tantrums.

But it seems like the worst isn’t over. In the blink of an eye, you now have a defiant child on your hands.

He talks back to you. He disobeys you. He doesn’t pay attention in class. He refuses to do his homework.

Maybe the situation is more serious than that. Maybe he’s hanging out with bad company, or maybe he’s started smoking or drinking.

You’ve tried everything, but things haven’t improved. But rest assured that there’s hope, because the situation can get better.

Having mentored many rebellious, defiant children, I’ve come up with a list of 10 strategies that work…

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1. When you’re angry, walk away temporarily.

It’s reasonable to get angry when your child is rude or disrespectful. But if you’re on the brink of losing control of your emotions, walk away.

Tell your child that you’re angry, and that you’ll address the situation later. This way, you won’t say or do anything you’ll regret later on.

Take 10 to 15 minutes to collect your thoughts and decide on an appropriate response. When you’ve calmed down – by that time, your child will be calmer too – start the discussion afresh.

2. Nag/scold less, and listen more.

Tweens and teens complain to me that their parents just don’t listen to them. When they try to explain their point of view, their parents often respond by saying:

“Don’t argue with me.”
“I know what’s best for you.”
“When I was your age …”
“Why are you being so difficult?”
“When you grow up, you’ll understand …”

These responses cause children to become even more defiant.

Instead of nagging and scolding, trying really listening. Ask your child about her thoughts and opinions. Ask her how she feels. Ask her what she thinks you can do to be a better parent.

Then listen without judging or criticizing.

Gradually, you’ll get to the root of her rebellious behavior.

For a start, I recommend that you have 30 minutes of no nagging/scolding time every day. This could be the first 30 minutes after your child wakes up, or during dinner.

In this way, you’ll learn to kick your nagging/scolding habit and create a more pleasant home environment.

3. Acknowledge your child’s good behavior.

If you have a defiant child, you may feel like this is impossible to do. After all, it seems like she’s making unwise decisions and behaving irresponsibly every single day, right?

But the more you focus on a specific behavior, the more she’ll display that behavior.

If you point out her bad behavior day after day, that bad behavior will multiply. On the other hand, if you acknowledge her good behavior, that good behavior will multiply too.

For example, if you see her doing something thoughtful, smile at her and say, “That’s thoughtful of you.” She’ll appreciate this little compliment more than you expect.

As you make this a habit, over time she’ll stop feeling as if she’s a “problem child.” Instead, she’ll feel like she has a good reputation to live up to, so she’ll increasingly be on her best behavior.

4. Pick your battles.

Take a minute and write down five things you frequently argue with your child about.

Are they important issues? Or not-so-important ones?

If your child is skipping school or doing drugs, of course you should intervene.

But if you don’t like your child’s hairstyle or choice of clothes, you might be wise not to pass a comment.

Not all battles are worth fighting. In dealing with a defiant child, you must pick your battles carefully.

Here’s a personal example.

When I was 17, I wanted to get my ear pierced. When I told my parents about my intentions, they weren’t thrilled. Nonetheless, they gave me their blessing, so I got the piercing.

Later on, I got a minor (but painful!) infection because of the piercing. Still, my parents never once said, “I told you so.” They didn’t even object when I wore a big, shiny, fake diamond earring to a relative’s wedding dinner.

Well, what do you know? A couple of years later, I decided it wasn’t cool to wear an earring, and I haven’t worn an earring since.

I’m thankful to my parents for choosing not to fight this “earring battle,” because it wasn’t a big deal in the long run.

Be intentional about which battles you decide to fight. And when you decide to fight a specific battle, make it clear that you’re not doing battle against your child. Rather, you’re doing battle with your child to solve the problem.

Which brings me to the next point …

5. Work together with your child to find a solution.

As a parent, it’s tempting to exert your parental authority and “lay down the law.” This is even more so when your defiant child refuses to respect you as the leader of your family.

But laying down the law doesn’t work, especially if your child is a tween or teen. This is because, at this age, they’re learning to express their individuality and independence.

What’s the alternative to a top-down approach?

Involve your child in the process. Find out how he feels about the current situation, and what suggestions he has to resolve it. For all you know, he might have some ingenious ideas.

For example, if you’re frustrated that your child has been missing family dinners because he’s been out with friends, have a calm discussion with him.

He might share with you how important family is to him, but how his friends are important to him too. Together, you might decide on a reasonable number of family dinners he’s expected to attend each week.

Working together with your child to find a solution is far more effective than declaring that he’ll attend every family dinner, or else.

6. Tell your child what you appreciate about him or her.

When’s the last time you told your child that you appreciate her?

Even if she’s a defiant child, she still possesses some positive traits. If she’s kind and courageous, let her know that you admire those things about her.

By doing this, she’ll be reminded of your unconditional acceptance and love. This will help to open the lines of communication, which will defuse her rebellious behavior.

If you feel awkward about doing this in person, you could write her a letter instead. My own mom has been writing letters to me my whole life – and she’s continued this practice up to this day. I feel touched every time she writes me a letter, and I keep all of them.

7. Show your child common courtesies.

By this, I do not mean that you should let your child walk all over you, or that you should make him the center of your family’s universe.

What I do mean is that you should treat him with basic respect:

Say “please” and “thank you,” where appropriate
Don’t cut him off when he’s talking
Refrain from continually criticizing him
Give him choices, where appropriate
Don’t call him “stupid” or “useless”
Don’t talk bad about him, especially not in front of others

As you treat your child with respect, he’ll be more likely to show you respect too.

8. Apologize to your child, if necessary.

As parents, we sometimes lose our temper, say unkind things, and make unreasonable pronouncements. If you have a defiant child, this probably happens a lot more often than you’d like.

When we make a mistake, we must apologize.

Leaders go first. As leaders of our family, we must be the first to say “I’m sorry” to our children. In so doing, our children will learn what it means to be humble and vulnerable.

Here’s how you can practice this.

List the mistakes you’ve made that you have yet to apologize to your child for. Write them down, even if the incidents happened a long time ago.

Then start making one apology a month.

What do I mean?

Every month, find one opportunity to say “I’m sorry” to your child for something you haven’t apologized for. For example, when you have a quiet moment alone with her, you could say: “Remember that time when I promised to take you to the theme park after your exams, but I couldn’t because something came up at work? I’m really sorry about that.”

This “one apology a month” technique will help you build a stronger relationship with your child. As this happens, she’ll become less rebellious.

9. Get to know your child’s friends, especially if you think they’re “bad company.”

Your child probably has some friends you don’t approve of. Maybe they use vulgarities, smoke, or skip school.

In such a situation, many parents will say to the child, “I don’t like you hanging out with those friends.”

But do you think this is effective? Probably not. In all likelihood, he’ll spend more time with those friends, just to go against your wishes.

Try this approach instead.

Get to know your child’s friends. Invite them to your home. Feed them (who doesn’t like free food, right?). Tell them that they’re welcome to hang out at your place.

The more you interact with these friends, the more accurately you’ll be able to assess if they’re bad company or not. You can then make a better-informed decision about whether you should intervene.

In addition, by hanging out at your home, at least they won’t be roaming the streets looking for trouble.

10. Don’t cast judgment on your child’s hobbies, interests, music, etc.

Tweens and teens – especially the ones labeled as “defiant” or “rebellious” – often feel like they’re treated as a problem, not a person. They feel like everyone around them is trying to “fix” them, so they react by rebelling even more aggressively.

To reconnect with your child, refrain from casting judgment, as far as possible. After all, nobody gets inspired to change their behavior if they feel judged.

Here are some examples of judgmental statements you shouldn’t make:

“Stop wasting time playing online games.” (You’ve cast judgment that online games are a waste of time.)
“The music you listen to is trashy.” (You’ve cast judgment on your child’s taste in music.)
“Your friends are a bad influence on you.” (You’ve cast judgment on your child’s ability to choose the right friends.)
“You’re lazy when it comes to your school work.” (You’ve cast judgment on your child’s character.)
“You should eat more. You’re too skinny.” (You’ve cast judgment on your child’s body.)

Here’s how you might start a more meaningful conversation in each of the situations listed above:

“Tell me more about the game you’re playing.” (It might even help if you play the game yourself.)
“What do you like about this music?”
“What do your friends do for fun?”
“Is there anything I can do to help you in your school work?”
“What type of food do you like best? We can try to cook more of that type of food at home.”

By being more understanding and less judgmental, you’ll establish a better relationship with your child.

As the saying goes, “Rules without relationship breeds rebellion.”

If you want your child to be less defiant and rebellious, your parent-child relationship is the critical piece of the puzzle.

The bottom line

To recap, here are the 10 strategies to deal with a defiant child:

When you’re angry, walk away temporarily.
Nag/scold less, and listen more.
Acknowledge your child’s good behavior.
Pick your battles.
Work together with your child to find a solution.
Tell your child what you appreciate about him or her.
Show your child common courtesies.
Apologize to your child, if necessary.
Get to know your child’s friends, especially if you think they’re “bad company.”
Don’t cast judgment on your child’s hobbies, interests, music, etc.

I guarantee that these strategies work. But they won’t work overnight.

Change takes time, so don’t be discouraged if your child doesn’t respond right away. Press on, and in the coming weeks and months I’m confident that the situation will improve.

I love this quote by Harold B. Lee: “The most important work you and I will ever do will be within the walls of our own homes.”

It’s time for us to get to work.

P.S. I work with students 1-to-1 to help them become both happy and successful. Click here to find out more.

An earlier version of this article first appeared on Yahoo!.

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6 Things Happy and Effective Parents Say “No” To

Updated on January 6, 2026 By Daniel Wong 20 Comments

As a parent, does it sometimes feel like your to-do list is never-ending?

You have so many responsibilities to fulfill, chores to complete, and errands to run.

Through my work, I interact with lots of parents. Sadly, it seems like many parents are overwhelmed by the hustle and bustle of life, and have lost the joy of parenthood.

In this article, I’ll share with you six things to say “no” to as a parent. When you say “no” to these things, I’m confident that you’ll become a happier – and more effective – parent.

Here they are…

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1. Say “no” to perfection

Do you strive for perfection?

Some parents hold on to these ideals – and some even try to achieve them all at once:

They should never lose their temper.
They should always be cheerful.
Their home should be neat and clean all the time.
They should be involved in charity work and in serving the community.
They should have an active social life.
Their children should be well-behaved.
Their children should perform well in school.
Their children should excel in their co-curricular activities.

Don’t get me wrong. We should set goals in the different areas of our lives. And yes, we should develop ourselves physically, mentally and emotionally.

But we must also accept that we’re not perfect.

Let’s be kind to ourselves. Let’s not hold ourselves to unattainable standards. Let’s say “no” to perfection, and instead say “yes” to progress.

2. Say “no” to over-scheduling your children’s lives

Every parent wants their children to maximize their potential.

Wouldn’t it be a waste if your child had musical or artistic talent, but never took music or art lessons?

But this mindset can become too extreme.

I’ve worked with students who participate in three co-curricular activities, as well as music and dance lessons. This is on top of their other academic enrichment classes.

Talk about being scarily busy!

Childhood and adolescence are times of intense growth and development. But for optimal growth and development, children need time to think, dream, reflect and rest.

It’s almost impossible to do this when they’re rushing from lesson to lesson and activity to activity.

What’s more, parents of these children often spend most of their weekends sending their children to the various enrichment classes. As such, these families don’t spend much quality time together.

I’ve worked with some families that don’t even have any regular family time at all.

So I encourage you not to register your children for more than one music-/art-related activity and one sports-related activity. This way, everyone in the home will be happier and less stressed.

3. Say “no” to comparing your children with others

I’m a parent myself, so I know this is easier said than done.

But at some level, we realize that there will always be children who are smarter, more talented, more athletic, and more hardworking than our children.

Of course, you should encourage your children to adopt the right attitude and to cultivate a strong work ethic. But you, too, must do your best not to compare them with other children – especially not in front of them.

Making comparisons will cause your children to feel hurt. They may start to believe that your love for them is conditional.

Your children need to know that you love them the same, no matter how well-behaved they are, no matter what grades they get, and no matter how many awards or medals they win.

To help you say “no” to making comparisons, ask yourself if you’re hanging out with “bad” company. Do your friends (who are also parents) frequently make comparisons? Are they overly competitive? Do they make you feel afraid of losing out?

If your friends aren’t a good influence, minimize your contact with them. Find new friends who will spur you on to become a better, more joyful parent.

4. Say “no” to comparing yourself with other parents

I’m sure you know some parents who seem to have it all.

They have a thriving marriage and career. They have great kids. They’re energetic and cheerful. And they own a nicer house and car than you.

With both envy and curiosity, you wonder: How do they do it?

Comparing yourself with other parents is unhealthy, just as comparing your children with others is unhealthy. By comparing yourself with people who seem to have the perfect life, you’ll begin to feel dissatisfied with your own life.

Envy is the enemy of gratitude. And gratitude is a key factor that leads to long-term happiness and success.

When you make comparisons, you can’t focus on all that you have to be thankful for: your family, your friends, your health, your job, and the many comforts you enjoy on a daily basis.

We must all decide to run our own race. In this race, the aim isn’t to finish first. It’s to finish well.

Finishing well is about serving others, making a contribution, establishing meaningful relationships, and building a home that’s filled with warmth and love.

Finishing well doesn’t require a huge amount of wealth, nor does it require you to have a “perfect” life.

What’s the first step to finishing well? Say “no” to comparing yourself with other parents.

5. Say “no” to being overprotective of your children

I’ve interacted with countless students who don’t understand that choices lead to consequences.

Why don’t they grasp this reality of life?

Because throughout their lives, their parents have sheltered them from negative consequences:

When they forget to bring their homework to school, their parents drop it off later that day.
When they get in trouble with their teacher, their parents prevent them from getting punished.
When they don’t get into the co-curricular activity or club they want, their parents intervene.
When they wake up late for school, their parents write a note to excuse them.

These are just a few examples of how well-intentioned parents prevent their children from learning responsibility. Overprotective parents raise children who are ill-prepared for the “real world,” where you’re forced to bear the consequences of your actions.

So as parents, let’s allow our children to make mistakes. Let’s allow them to face challenges, to fail, to overcome setbacks. In so doing, they’ll become more independent and resilient.

(Of course, if they’re in physical danger, we should step in.)

It’s heartbreaking to watch our children fall, both in a literal and figurative way. But if we don’t let them fall when they’re kids or teenagers, they might never learn to get up on their own.

And as Victor Kiam once noted, “Even if you fall on your face, you’re still moving forward.”

6. Say “no” to putting your own needs last

Without a doubt, parenthood involves sacrifice. A lot of it.

In fact, when I became a first-time parent, my mum told me that parenthood can be summed up in one word: sacrifice.

But it’s unwise to continually put our needs last, because we’ll eventually burn out.

As the saying goes, we can’t give away what we don’t already have. If we want to share joy, happiness, kindness and love with those around us, we must first have those things inside of us.

How do we ensure this?

By taking care of our needs:

Making time to catch up with close friends
Having a weekly or fortnightly date with our spouse
Spending some alone time every day to think and reflect
Making sleep and exercise a priority
Asking for help when necessary

When we do these things, we’ll be recharged and re-energized. We’ll be better parents too.

The bottom line

Saying “no” is hard, especially when it comes to the six things mentioned in this article.

But as you intentionally put these tips into practice, you’ll have the time and energy for the truly meaningful things in life.

So start saying “no” today, and watch as you become a happier, more effective parent.

An earlier version of this article first appeared on Yahoo!.

(If you haven’t already done so, make sure to download your free e-book below.)

FREE E-BOOK:

Get your FREE copy of

16 Keys to Motivating Your Teenager.

The e-book has already been downloaded by many thousands of parents, so don't miss out!

Images: Say No, Apples & Oranges