Are you dealing with a disrespectful teenager?

Maybe he mutters under his breath when you ask him to do his homework.

Or maybe she slams her room door when you tell her that she can’t go out with her friends.

If so, you’re probably at your wits’ end.

You love your teenagers and you want the best for them.

But you also want them to accept that there are rules in your family, just as there are rules in the outside world.

Don’t be alarmed.

Disrespect towards parents is common as youngsters navigate the waters between childhood and adulthood.

But you can’t deal with disrespect by simply ignoring it. You need a strategy for how to deal with teenage attitude. There are things you need to do, and things you need to avoid doing.

This article explains 10 tips for successfully handling disrespectful and often rebellious teenagers.

1. Understand the teenage brain

During childhood, there’s tremendous brain development. By age six, 95% of the brain’s structure has already been formed.

Picture it as a sudden development of the wiring of the brain.

The problem is that the new wiring hasn’t yet been connected to the key parts of the brain.

As Molly Edmonds writes, the teenage brain is like an entertainment centre whose components haven’t yet been hooked up.

There are loose wires everywhere. The speaker system hasn’t been connected to the DVD player. And the DVD player hasn’t been configured to work with the TV.

And as for the remote control – it hasn’t even arrived yet!

In this analogy, the remote control is the prefrontal cortex.

That’s the part of the brain that weighs outcomes, forms judgments, and controls impulses and emotions. But in the teenage brain, it hasn’t been properly connected yet.

What does this mean in practice?

It means teenagers can get frustrated easily, with themselves and with external situations. It makes them impulsive and subject to mood swings that you and I don’t experience.

That’s a heady cocktail that can turn teenagers into emotional wrecks.

Understanding that there’s a biological basis for your teenager’s difficult behaviour makes it much easier to deal with.

It helps you to focus on the behaviour rather than the person.

2. Think about the emotional needs underlying the behaviour

When teenagers are disrespectful to their parents, it’s sometimes a sign that they have emotional needs that aren’t being met.

Sometimes, disrespectful behaviour or throwing tantrums is a way of getting attention.

Other times, it’s an indication that they don’t feel accepted.

Sit down with your teenager and tell her that you’re there for her if she wants to talk about something. Remind her that you love her unconditionally.

Keep in mind that adolescents often feel powerless. As part of the process of growing up, teenagers need to differentiate themselves from their parents.

This often takes the form of adopting views that are radically different from yours.

Another important part of teenage development is establishing emotional autonomy. This usually involves taking back some of the power from their parents.

The most common way to do this is for the teenager to challenge the rules through conflict and confrontation.

While it may not entirely solve the problem, understanding the emotional needs underlying your teenager’s behaviour will help you to empathise with him.

3. Be a role model

The most important thing you can do is model the kind of behaviour you want to see in your teenager.

It’s amazing how many parents call their children disrespectful and then model the exact behaviour they’re criticising.

Remember, your children are constantly watching you as a role model.

If you’re wondering how to get your kids to respect you, you need to adopt a respectful attitude toward them, toward your spouse, and toward people outside the family.

This is especially important when your teenager is testing boundaries.

Do your best to rise above the level of your teenager’s behaviour. You can’t win by descending to their level. You can only win by being calm, consistent and modelling a better kind of behaviour.

Ideally, this role modelling is something that should start early in the life of your child. But it’s never too late!

It’s definitely one of the keys to raising a successful and happy child.

4. Understand that your teenager is developing independence

Severe disrespect towards parents should never be tolerated.

But it’s important to understand that some level of disrespect is part of the process of growing up and developing independence.

Examples of this kind of disrespect might be eye-rolling, unnecessary remarks, or ignored requests.

Children grow up in an environment where the balance of power lies with the parents. Surrounded by rules and expectations, children tend to feel powerless.

Talking back and other forms of mild disrespect are simply ways for your teenager to feel as if he’s taking back some of that power.

It’s a natural process: your teenager is learning to express himself and to have his own ideas.

And developing independence is a vital aspect of growing up.

5. Ignore mild forms of disrespect

There’s a scene in The Sound of Music where Captain von Trapp lines his children up and summons each of them with a whistle.

In the von Trapp family, the father demands absolute respect.

But that’s neither healthy nor desirable.

In fact, it’s usually best to ignore mildly disrespectful behaviour such as shrugging the shoulders, raised eyebrows, feigned boredom, or muttering under the breath.

Disrespectful behaviour in teenagers is common and is part of the process of growing up.

But blatant rudeness should never be tolerated. Ignoring it will simply lead to an escalation of such behaviour.

6. Set clear and consistent boundaries

One of the most common causes of disrespect in teenagers is the absence of boundaries.

Children who have been spoilt or allowed to have their own way often become disrespectful teenagers.

Families in which the parents have rules for teens but apply them inconsistently are also likely to produce disrespectful teenagers.

Inconsistency can occur when a parent arbitrarily applies different rules on different days for no apparent reason.

For example, allowing a child to stay up till 10:30pm on one weekday but insisting they turn their lights out by 8:30pm the next weekday.

Inconsistency can also arise where two parents apply different rules. For example, one parent might insist on no more than an hour of screen time in the evenings while the other parent imposes no time limit at all.

Here are two reasons why inconsistent rules contribute to the problem of disrespectful teenagers:

• Where one parent is lax and the other is strict, teenagers learn to exploit the inconsistency and play one parent against the other
• Where a parent is lax on some days and strict on others, teenagers can use the inconsistency to question the rules

So it’s important that parents set clear rules and boundaries and apply them consistently – this is a parenting skill that requires practice to master.

Whenever possible, discuss these boundaries with your teenager before they’re set.

7. If you set consequences, follow through on them

While it’s a good idea to acknowledge your teenager’s good behaviour, sometimes you may have to set consequences for their bad behaviour.

If you do, it’s important to follow through on these consequences.

A common mistake parents make is to threaten consequences in the heat of the moment and then fail to act on them.

Believe it or not, teenagers are looking for boundaries. They want to know where the boundaries are – that’s why they test the boundaries.

When you follow through on consequences, your teenager feels safer because she knows where the boundaries are. She learns to trust you because you stand by your word.

But most importantly, she learns that the behaviour in question is not acceptable.

Here are some tips on setting consequences for bad behaviour:

• Make the consequences short term, not long term. When the consequence is short term, the teenager has a chance to learn quickly and move on.
• Don’t make the consequences too harsh.
• Don’t add punitive statements (such as “I told you this was going to happen”) to the consequence. Let the consequence speak for itself. Punitive statements will arouse feelings of anger and resentment in the teenager instead of allowing her to focus on the bad behaviour and its consequences.

(Learn more about how to deal with a teenager who doesn’t care about consequences.)

8. Don’t make it personal

When dealing with a disrespectful teenager, it’s easy to get caught up in your own emotions. When you do that, you’re likely to make it personal.

But that’s a mistake, because what you need to be focusing on is the behaviour, not the person.

When you focus on the behaviour and not the person, it makes it easier for everyone to stay calm. It allows both you and your teenager to avoid getting emotional.

9. Avoid unnecessary arguments

Engaging in an argument with a disrespectful teenager isn’t going to have a positive outcome. Arguments have a tendency to escalate and get out of control.

When we get angry we say things we later regret.

Instead, stay calm and remember that you want to focus on the behaviour and not get into a power struggle.

But this isn’t always easy, because adolescents experience a whirlwind of emotions.

Remember that as an adult you’re better able to control your emotions than your teenager. It’s an advantage you should put to good use.

10. Avoid using “you are” and “you should” statements

When confronting your teenager about unacceptable behaviour, avoid making statements such as: “You are such a selfish/ narcissistic/lazy/uncooperative/rude person.”

Also avoid making statements such as: “You should stop using your phone so much/work harder/pay attention in class/be more responsible.”

Remember, you want to focus on the behaviour instead of casting judgment on your teenager.

Use statements that focus specifically on the behaviour, such as: “When you ignore my requests/shout at me, I feel disrespected.”

Conclusion

The teenage years are challenging, both for teenagers and their parents. And disrespectful teenage behaviour is one of the most frustrating issues for parents to deal with.

Many parents wonder: “Why does my teenager hate me?” But I assure you that’s usually not the case.

The tips in this article will help you navigate these difficult waters.

In particular, target the behaviour and not the person, and develop an understanding of the teenage brain and how it shapes your teenager’s behaviour.

Focus on one tip at a time. When you have that aspect under control, implement another tip.

Gradually, you’ll see an improvement in your teenager’s behaviour – and family life will become more harmonious!

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As a parent, you want to raise children who are responsible and self-motivated.

You want them to do well in school, and you want them to communicate with you openly.

You also want to build a happy family.

But I’m sure you’ve already realised that you won’t achieve these goals easily.

Along the way, your children may have become disobedient, rebellious or disengaged. (This is especially likely if your children are pre-teens or teens.)

Your home environment may have become tense or even hostile.

If any of this sounds familiar to you, don’t worry. This article will help.

I don’t claim to be a parenting expert — I’m still learning how to raise my two young boys well.

But over the years I’ve spoken to and worked with thousands of pre-teens and teens. As such, I understand how to get through to them.

In this article, I’ll share with you seven simple questions to ask your children, which will help you to reach your parenting goals.

Question #1: “What can I do to be a better parent?”

The simplest way to become a better parent is to ask your children what they think.

When you ask them Question #1, be prepared for an honest answer.

Your children may point out your flaws.

They may bring up incidents where you were unreasonable or inconsistent.

They may highlight ways in which you haven’t been a good role model.

Is this a scary proposition?

Yes.

But the feedback you get will be invaluable in helping you understand which parenting skills you need to develop.

Question #2: “What do you like/dislike about being in our family?”

Parents frequently complain to me that their children are withdrawn. They tell me that their children would rather spend time with their friends than family.

To get to the root of the issue, ask your children Question #2.

This question will help your children to see that there are good things about your family that they may have taken for granted.

At the same time, when they articulate what they dislike, you’ll understand what you can do to build a more united family.

Perhaps your children feel as if they don’t have enough freedom. Or perhaps they feel as if you’ve set too many house rules.

Whatever the case, this is an opportunity to brainstorm with your children. Together, you can find ways to make your home a happier one.

Question #3: “What are the biggest challenges you’re facing?”

Many parents focus too much on their children’s behaviour and academic performance. As a result, they don’t understand their children’s deeper concerns.

Children behave responsibly not when they understand why it’s important to do so. They behave responsibly when they feel understood by their parents.

By asking your children Question #3, you’ll get a better sense of their fears and aspirations.

This will help you to form a stronger parent-child bond.

Question #4: “How can we make our family more fun?”

Pre-teens and teens often tell me that they don’t like family time because it’s boring.

Furthermore, during family time they feel as if their parents might criticise or nag them.

It’s no wonder that pre-teens and teens don’t want to hang out with their parents!

Based on your children’s answer to Question #4, you’ll be able to think of ways to make family time more enjoyable.

After all, united families go through tough times together. But they also have plenty of fun together too!

Question #5: “What things are you excited about?”

This is a great question to help you understand your children better.

Maybe there’s a new game or show they like. Or maybe they can’t wait for their upcoming performance.

No matter what their answer is, don’t lecture them.

For example, your children might start going on and on about the latest game that all their friends are playing. As you listen, you might be tempted to warn them not to become addicted to the game.

You might also be tempted to remind them to focus on their academics.

But reserve the lecture for another time.

When your children tell you what they’re excited about, share in their excitement. Do your best to find out why they’re so thrilled.

This simple act will mean a lot to them.

Question #6: “Is there anything I can help you with?”

Parents’ natural instinct is to nag and remind their children. But children don’t respond well to this approach.

If you observe that your children are going through a rough time, ask them if there’s anything you can do to help.

Don’t be offended if their answer is “nothing”. They might not be ready to receive help, or they might want to work through the challenge on their own.

When you offer assistance in a non-judgmental and non-intrusive way, your children will appreciate it.

They’ll then be more willing to seek help from you if they need it.

Question #7: “Do you feel as if I understand you?”

I often hear from pre-teens and teens that their parents just don’t understand them.

When children don’t feel understood, they begin to tune out the advice their parents give them.

Parents perceive this behaviour as rebellious or defiant, but it isn’t.

It’s simply a human need to first feel understood.

If your children don’t feel as if you understand them, then explore the issue further.

Hear them out, and create a safe environment for them to share their feelings.

By doing so, you’ll lay the foundation for a healthy parent-child relationship and a happy home.

Conclusion

You’ve made it to the end of this article, so I know that you’re a committed parent.

You’re committed to raising your children well.

You’re committed to building a strong family.

You’re committed to becoming the best parent you can be.

The next step is to take action.

Every month, ask your children two to three of the questions listed in this article. (Download the free bonus PDF below to learn three additional questions.)

Mark it down on your calendar or set a reminder so you won’t forget.

And when you have the conversation with your children, be open-minded. Make it clear to them that you value their opinions and honesty.

If they have negative feedback, don’t take it personally. After all, the fastest way to improve as a parent – and in life, too – is to get regular feedback.

As you reflect and act on the feedback you receive from your children, you’ll become a more effective parent.

I’m sure your children will become more mature and happier too!

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Do you focus on positive things to say to your child, or do you often nag?

If you answered “yes” to the latter, you’re not alone.

You want your children to be responsible and independent.

You want them to be motivated to do well in school.

Since they’re not there yet, you instinctively nag them to correct their behaviour and attitude.

But, at the same time, you realise that all this nagging isn’t working.

Sound familiar?

If so, this article is for you.

I’ve had years of experience working with and speaking to thousands of children and teenagers. So I understand the factors that help them become mature, responsible, and successful.

One of the most important factors is how their parents talk to them. (Here’s a list of family conversation starters that you’ll find helpful.)

The words you speak to your children play on repeat in their minds (even if it feels like your kids aren’t listening to a thing you say). So positive words for your children matter.

Share words of inspiration with your kids and they’ll likely grow into more kind, responsible, and respectful adults.

Plus, the more positive interactions between the parent and child, the less likely it is that the parent will need to nag the child in order to gain compliance.

When you speak words of encouragement to your kids, it’s also more likely that a strong parent-child bond will form.

Think back to your childhood for a moment…

Do you remember any inspiring words from your parents or teachers? Those positive statements helped you become the adult you are today.

In fact, there’s a supposed “magic ratio” of 5 to 1 in healthy relationships: 5 positive expressions of feelings and actions for every negative expression.

In this article, I’ll share with you 53 positive things to say to your child so that — in the long run — you won’t need to nag them anymore!

Before we get to the list of encouraging things to say to your kids, here’s a bonus for you…

The benefits of encouraging messages for children

It’s hardly a secret that no matter our age, words of encouragement make us feel good. But it turns out there’s science behind why those nice words lead to long-term benefits.

In the book Words Can Change Your Brain, neuroscientist Dr. Andrew Newberg and communications expert Mark Robert Waldman say:

A single word has the power to influence the expression of genes that regulate physical and emotional stress… The longer you concentrate on positive words, the more you begin to affect other areas of the brain.

In other words, positive thoughts and speech affect how we feel and how we perceive the world around us.

And negative words? Those can cause situational stress and even contribute to anxiety.

Sharing positive messages with your children has an enduring influence on their mental well-being and life-long happiness.

Let’s take a closer look at a few other benefits of encouraging messages for children:

Encouraging words build self-esteem

If you regularly say positive things to your child, you’ll help build their confidence and self-esteem.

I don’t mean over-praising your kids, but providing an atmosphere that is encouraging and supportive.

Let’s say your child makes a mistake. Instead of reprimanding your child, you might say: “What happened here? We all make mistakes, so let’s talk about what happened in this situation.”

Your child will learn from the experience and be more motivated to keep working on challenging tasks.

Another benefit to building self-esteem? Children with positive self-worth tend to get better grades and achieve greater success.

That means they’ll be more motivated to do well in school — no exhausting micromanaging required.

Encouraging words support a growth mindset

Life is a continuous journey of learning, improving, and developing. We all face obstacles on our path to success. So, instead of constantly correcting your children, frame feedback in a positive light.

Remind your child that it’s the process, not the outcome, of becoming a better student that matters.

You’ll support a growth mindset, and your children will know it’s their effort that’s the most important. (Here are 10 phrases that encourage a growth mindset in students.)

Encouraging words inspire kindness and respect towards others

Our words become our children’s inner dialogue — and that impacts how they speak and act towards others. When parents focus on nice things to say to their kids, they inspire their children to spread kindness and respect.

For example, when you tell your children, “Your opinion is important,” you’re building their self-esteem and sense of responsibility.

You’re also reminding them to respect the opinion of others — a valuable skill inside and outside the classroom.

53 nice things to say to kids

Now that we’ve reviewed the benefits of encouraging words, let’s explore what things to say to your child.

This is my go-to list of 53 positive things to say to your child. Bookmark it, print it out, and come back to it whenever you need some inspiration!

1. “I’m grateful for you.”

Children feel special when they know you’re thankful that they’re a part of your life.

2. “What do you think?”

Ask this question to show that you value your children’s opinions.

3. “I enjoy spending time with you.”

Children and teenagers behave better when they know that you love them and like them. They’ll be less likely to rebel too.

4. “All of us make mistakes.”

Say this instead of harshly criticising your children for accidental mistakes.

5. “You’re special to me.”

This phrase will help to fill your children’s “love tank”.

6. “I appreciate it when you…”

For example, you might say, “I appreciate it when you set the table for dinner.”

7. “I trust you.”

Children and teenagers who feel as if their parents trust them are more likely to become trustworthy.

8. “You’re getting better at…”

When you notice your children’s progress, they’ll feel encouraged and motivated.

9. “Have a good day!”

This is a simple way to start the day on a positive note when you say goodbye to your children in the morning.

10. “Let me think about it.”

This is a better alternative than instinctively saying no to your children’s requests (assuming the requests aren’t too unreasonable).

11. “What happened here?”

Ask this question instead of assigning blame or jumping to conclusions, e.g. when you notice that a piece of furniture in your home has been damaged.

12. “It looks like you’re having a difficult time. Can you tell me about it?”

This is an effective way to get your children to open up.

13. “I’m sorry.”

When you’ve made a mistake, be humble and apologise.

14. “Your practice is paying off.”

Children and teenagers appreciate it when their parents observe that their efforts have yielded results.

15. “How did you do that?”

This question helps your children to focus on the process instead of the outcome, and is always one of the most positive things to say to your child.

16. “What’s one interesting thing that happened in school today?”

By asking your children this question, they’ll be more likely to open up as compared to you asking, “How was your day?”

17. “What did you try hard at today?”

This emphasises to your children that trying hard and improving are more important than achieving a specific end result.

18. “I’m sure you can do it.”

Continuing the list of things you could say to your child is “I’m sure you can do it.” Say this to your children to give them a boost of confidence.

19. “You decide.”

Children learn to make wise decisions by making more decisions, not by following the instructions of authority figures.

20. “How do you feel about that?”

This question will help your children to become more emotionally self-aware.

21. “I’m ready to listen.”

By telling your children that you’re ready to listen without judging, they’ll be more willing to share what’s on their heart.

22. “I love you.”

Children and teenagers need to know that they’re loved unconditionally.

23. “You make me smile.”

By saying this, you’ll make your children’s day.

24. “Your opinion is important.”

Your children will feel significant when you say this to them. And when they feel significant, they’ll behave more responsibly. It’s a must on any list of positive things to say to kids.

25. “You were right.”

Admit it when you’re wrong. This is one of the best ways to earn your child’s respect.

26. “I can see that you’re becoming more…”

For more positive things to say to your child, fill in the blank with “focused”, “organised”, “kind”, “responsible”, “helpful”, etc. as you observe even small positive changes in your children.

27. “I’m excited about doing this with you!”

This emphasises to your children that you actually enjoy doing things together with them.

28. “That’s a good question.”

By acknowledging your children’s curiosity, you’ll foster a spirit of lifelong learning in them.

29. “I accept you the way you are.”

Parents want to raise children who are secure and self-confident. Saying this to your children is a good way to encourage them down the right path.

30. “You’re an important member of this family.”

If you’re still wondering what to say to kids, remind your children frequently of their value and significance as a member of the family.

31. “I believe in you.”

Your children want to know that you believe in them, that you have faith in their character and abilities.

32. “I saw that you tried hard at…”

This phrase reinforces the principle that challenges are things to be embraced, not things to be avoided.

33. “Let’s do it your way.”

Show your children that your way isn’t always the only (or best) way.

34. “Can you explain to me why you did it this way?”

Empower your children to reflect on their choices and on what they’re learning.

35. “You’re learning how to…”

Remind your children that the journey of learning is what matters most.

36. “That was thoughtful of you.”

Acknowledging your children’s positive behaviour and attitude means a lot to them.

37. “Can you teach me how to…?”

Your children will grow in confidence when they realise that you have things to learn from them too.

38. “Good point.”

As your children grow in intellectual maturity and wisdom, show them that you observe this growth.

39. “I knew you could do it.”

These words of encouragement will help your children to believe in themselves.

40. “How did you think of that?”

Children and teenagers who go through such reflection will develop problem-solving skills faster.

41. “Would you like to talk about it?”

This question is inviting without being overbearing or demanding, key components of positive things to say to your child.

42. “What challenge would you like to take on?”

It’s through challenges that we learn and grow, so this is one way to encourage your children to view challenges positively.

43. “I care about you.”

If you feel awkward about telling your children that you love them, start with this phrase instead.

44. “What do you think you can do about this?”

Instead of solving the problem for your children, ask this question to enable them to solve the problem themselves.

45. “Will you forgive me?”

Beyond apologising, asking for your children’s forgiveness is a powerful way to restore the parent-child relationship.

46. “Tell me more.”

This is a simple phrase that encourages your children to share their thoughts and feelings.

47. “It’s OK to feel…”

Rather than tell your children that they shouldn’t feel angry, sad, frustrated, etc. empathise with them and help them to work through their negative emotions.

48. “Shall we start over again?”

If an argument has broken out between you and your children, ask this question to start the discussion afresh.

49. “I’m proud to be your parent.”

When your children know this, they’ll want to do you proud too.

50. “What can I do to be a better parent?”

Be prepared to hear an honest answer from your children. By putting their feedback into practice, you’ll definitely become a better parent.

51. “That’s an interesting idea.”

You’ll show your children you care about their opinions and encourage their creativity and self-expression.

52. “That was really brave of you.”

Dealing with change is scary. Acknowledge your child’s bravery, and they’ll feel more comfortable taking on new challenges.

53. “It’s okay to say no.”

Teach your children to say no from a young age. They’ll grow into empowered adults who know how to set healthy boundaries.

Inspire your kids with words

Being a parent isn’t easy. I hope this list of positive things to say to your children inspires them and helps you build a better relationship with them, too!

Try using a few of these encouraging words every week. Notice any changes you see in your children.

You might find that inspiring your kids with words fosters responsibility, confidence, and autonomy — all essential traits of motivated students.

Want even more support to raise resilient, successful children?

I offer 1-on-1 support for students through this coaching programme.

I’ll personally help your child to develop the mindset and skills they need in school and beyond.

Sharing encouraging words is a great way to motivate your child, but it’s just one of many important interactions kids need.

Learn more about how my coaching programme can help your child develop a greater sense of purpose and motivation today!

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