How to Motivate Your Teenager to Do Better in School: 10 Tips Guaranteed to Work

Updated on January 6, 2026 By Daniel Wong 32 Comments

Do you have trouble motivating your children to study?

It’s a common problem that I see in my coaching work with pre-teens and teens.

I notice that many parents approach this problem in the wrong way.

In this article, I’m going to explain 10 principles for motivating children to do well in school.

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How NOT to motivate your teenager to do better in school

The first five items on the list below might be things you’ve done in the past, but there’s no reason to get down on yourself about them.

They’re simply common parenting habits that are born from good intentions, but ultimately are not effective motivational tools.

You can start today to become a better listener, less controlling, and more accepting. Let’s take a look at what to avoid going forward.

1. Don’t annoy your children

One of the keys to motivating your children to work hard is not to annoy them.

This may seem odd at first, as we’re used to parents getting annoyed with children, not vice versa.

But relationships are a two-way street, and parents can also annoy children.

If your children are continually upset with you over things you say or do, they will find it hard to listen to you.

You may have some great wisdom to offer them, but your children won’t be receptive to your advice.

Parents often engage in power struggles with their children. For some of us, these are habits we learned from our own childhoods.

But power struggles with your children consume a lot of energy. And that’s energy that could be spent on something more constructive.

Another habit to avoid is making comments that suggest your child isn’t good enough.

This may be something you’re not aware that you do.

It may be very subtle. For example, take the statement: “You’re improving, but I know you can do better.”

On the surface, it sounds like encouragement. But you’re actually telling your child that he or she isn’t good enough.

Or take a statement that begins: “When I was your age…” These kinds of statements usually involve a comparison that leaves your children feeling bad. So avoid making these types of comments.

Another trap that parents fall into is comparing their children with someone else’s. Parents often hope that these comparisons will inspire their children to do better.

Unfortunately, these comments have the opposite effect.

“I hear that John got A’s in all his subjects the last term” may seem like an innocent remark. But it’s a comparison that leaves your child feeling worse about himself or herself.

This is not the way to motivate your children.

Sometimes, parents try to motivate their children by giving them lectures. But lectures tend to make children feel powerless and resentful.

Instead of lecturing your children, discuss the issue with them and ask them what they think. This is much more effective than lecturing them.

Why?

Because it gets them involved, and makes them part of the solution.

2. Don’t use rewards, punishments, or threats

As a parent, it’s tempting to use rewards, punishments or threats to motivate your children to behave in a certain way.

Research has shown this approach doesn’t work in the long term.

There are three reasons in particular that rewards and punishments are to be avoided.

Firstly, rewards and punishments are bad for your relationship with your children.

They teach your children that they’re loved for what they do and not for who they are. Children who grow up unsure that they’re loved for who they are tend to make poor life choices later on.

Secondly, rewards and punishments may get short-term results, but they ignore the underlying issue: Why is your child not motivated?

It’s much better to address the root cause than to use a band-aid approach of rewards and punishments.

Thirdly, rewards and punishments put your children’s focus entirely on outcomes. Your children’s level of motivation is based on the promise of the reward or the threat of the punishment.

Rewards, punishments and threats don’t teach your children how to develop intrinsic motivation. They don’t cultivate in your children a love of learning.

As mentioned earlier in this article, it’s better to focus on the process and not the outcome. This way, your children will develop self-discipline and a sense of responsibility.

So what should you do instead of using rewards and punishments?

Discuss with your children the joy (and benefits) of learning and studying.

Explain to them that most rewarding careers require an investment of time and effort.

But it’s also important to explain to your children that the process itself is rewarding, even though it will involve sacrifices.

Discuss with your children what their hopes and aspirations are.

Help them to dream big and dare to fail – and model for them how you’re doing the same in your own life.

This approach produces the kind of intrinsic motivation and self-discipline that will last a lifetime.

3. Don’t try to control all of their actions

If you want to motivate your children, they need to feel as if they’re in control of their lives.

Being motivated comes from knowing that you can shape your future through the actions you take today.

But if children feel as if their parents are in complete (or almost complete) control, they will have little motivation.

Some parents hover over their children like a helicopter. They micromanage every last detail of their children’s lives.

The result is that the children never develop a sense that they’re responsible for their education and their lives.

By empowering your children, they’ll develop a sense of autonomy and responsibility.

Talk to your children regularly about expectations and consequences.

As a parent, I’m sure you have expectations of your children. For example, you may expect them to keep their room tidy – and there may be consequences for not doing that.

Learning to be responsible in one area (keeping their room tidy) encourages them to be responsible in other areas of life, such as studying.

With this approach, you still need to be involved in your children’s lives. The difference is that instead of hovering and micromanaging, you create boundaries around your involvement.

For example, you can make it clear to your children that you’re available to answer homework-related questions every weeknight between 8 pm and 9 pm.

This way, your children will develop the ability to motivate themselves. They’ll know that they alone are responsible for making sure their homework gets done.

In contrast, consider children whose parents nag them every day to do their homework. Those children won’t develop the ability to motivate themselves.

4. Don’t obsess over the results; emphasise the process instead

The writer Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: “Life is a journey, not a destination.”

This principle applies to study skills and tips as much as it does to life in general.

When motivating your children to do well in school, focus on the process and not the results.

If your children are too focused on results, there’s a danger that when they don’t achieve the results they want, they’ll give up.

What’s more, when we focus only on results, the process becomes a “necessary evil”.

The process becomes something we go through grudgingly because we want a certain result.

But this approach doesn’t encourage a love of learning.

We live in an age when learning is a skill that we need to practise throughout our lives. The world is changing faster than ever before. As such, we all need to be continually learning.

And that’s why it’s important to focus on the process, not the results.

Cultivate in your children a love of learning for its own sake, not just as a means to achieve a goal. At the end of the day, achieving goals is a by-product of the systems and processes that we follow.

For example, as a concert pianist, you may have a goal to play Mozart’s Piano Concerto No. 15 in B-flat major without making a single mistake.

The system or process that makes it possible to reach that goal is how often you practise, how you break down and learn difficult cadenzas, and how you incorporate feedback from your music teacher.

When teaching children how to study and how to motivate themselves, it’s vital that you focus on the process and not the outcome.

5. Don’t reduce your child to a problem that needs to be solved

Pre-teens and teens are going through a lot of changes, both physically and mentally.

It’s also a time when they may start displaying problematic behaviours, such as aggression, mood swings, being argumentative, and defying established rules.

As a parent, it’s natural for these kinds of behaviours to become the centre of your attention – they’re problems that you want to solve.

But it’s actually better not to focus on these behaviours.

Instead, try to understand your children’s perspective:

How do they feel about the situation?
What opinions do they have?

To understand your children better, you’ll need to practise active listening.

Active listening occurs when we give our full attention to what someone is saying.

This means that you aren’t multitasking while your children are talking to you. It means that you aren’t checking your phone or writing a list of things to do.

Active listening means not interrupting your children while they’re talking. It means not judging them or moralising about something they did. It means not offering unsolicited advice.

You can show your children that you’re giving them your full attention by saying things like “go on” and “tell me more”.

Now and again, summarise your understanding of what your children have been saying.

For example, you could say: “It sounds as if there’s a ‘cool’ group of kids in your class, and that you’re feeling excluded by them.”

This indicates to your child that you’re actively listening. It’s also a way of checking that you understand what he or she is saying.

Some parents think that if only they could make their children understand some fundamental principle, the whole problem would disappear.

But often what pre-teens and teens need most is not to understand; they need to feel understood.

When they don’t feel understood, they become defiant.

On the other hand, when they feel understood, it creates a space where they feel safe. And that, in turn, creates an environment where they’re open to looking at the problem in a new light.

How to motivate your teenager to do better in school

Now it’s time to focus on positive behaviour that helps your child feel understood, supported, and encouraged.

Use these strategies to strengthen your connection with your child and teach him or her crucial organisational and planning skills. These healthy habits will help your child in school and beyond.

6. Develop routines and structure

Routines and structure play a crucial role in developing motivation in your children.

Having established routines in family life eliminates a majority of conflicts.

Take homework, for example.

Let’s say you have an established routine that your children do their homework every weeknight between 7 pm and 9 pm.

There won’t be conflicts related to homework, because it’s simply “the way we do things in this family”.

But in a family without routines, ensuring that your children do their homework becomes a daily battle.

Of course, even established routines sometimes need to be reinforced or modified.

For example, now and again you may need to say something like: “When you’ve completed your homework, you can go to Melissa’s house.”

To create a homework routine, it’s a good idea to set up a small part of the house as a study area.

Having a study area that’s free of distractions will help your children develop a homework routine.

It may also help your children if you also devote that period of time to doing your own “homework”. This could be paying bills online, taking an online course, or reading a book to learn about a new topic.

7. Equip your children with planning and organisational skills

As parents, we (hopefully) have planning and organisational skills that we’ve developed over the years.

But we often take these skills for granted, and forget that our children don’t yet have those skills.

Pre-teens and teens can feel overwhelmed, frustrated, and stressed because of the demands they face at school. In response, many of them give up and turn to videos and games as a form of escape.

Some pre-teens and teens might even say they hate school.

But if they have planning and organisational skills, their attitude toward school and academics will be different.

One organisational skill you can teach your children is to break down big tasks into smaller tasks.

Some people call this “chunking down”. This technique makes any task more manageable and doable.

Another skill you can teach your children is list-making. Lists are at the heart of all organisational skills, so this is a great place to start.

You could teach your children how to use a list to pack their bag for a school camp or a school outing.

Planning is another organisational skill that will reduce your children’s stress related to school and exams.

Planning involves placing lists of tasks to be completed within a certain timeframe. This way, your children will learn to complete tasks one by one instead of leaving them until it’s so late that they feel overwhelmed.

For example, if your children have exams coming up, you could teach them how to:

Break down their revision material into a series of tasks
Use a calendar to plan how they’re going to complete those tasks within a set timeframe

8. Create a family culture where it’s OK to make mistakes

We learn more from our failures than we do from our successes.

Thomas Edison made an extraordinary number of unsuccessful attempts at inventing the electric light bulb.

When a reporter asked him how it felt to fail 1,000 times, Edison replied: “I didn’t fail 1,000 times. The light bulb was an invention with 1,000 steps.”

Unfortunately, we live in an age that places enormous emphasis on instant success.

Failure isn’t tolerated. Parents correct their children’s homework to improve their grades. They argue with teachers who try to point out areas where their children need to improve.

Yet making mistakes is an essential part of learning.

We must learn from our mistakes and correct them, much like a ship that frequently adjusts its course to stay on the correct bearing.

If you want to motivate your children to study hard and do well in school, one of the best things you can do is create a family culture where it’s OK to make mistakes.

One way to do this is to share with your children your own mistakes and what you learned from them.

For example, maybe you went to university to study one field and ended up switching to a different field when you started work. By sharing that experience with your children, you’re showing them that they don’t have to get it “right” the first time.

If you want to teach your children to love learning, one thing you should avoid at all costs is focusing too much on their failures.

Instead of criticising them for their failures, help them to identify what they’ve learned from their mistakes.

A study by Stanford University has shown that children who are praised for their effort work harder and give up less easily.

On the other hand, children who are afraid of failure are more likely to become discouraged when they make mistakes. Instead of learning from their mistakes and moving on, they’re likely to give up altogether.

9. Show an interest in all aspects of your children’s lives

One of the keys to motivating your children to do well in school is to show an interest in all aspects of their lives, not just their academics.

If your only concern is how your children are doing in school, they may begin to feel as if they’re being treated as a project instead of as a person.

This can lead to them feeling resentful. And resentment will result in resistance to anything related to studying.

Treat your child as a whole person, not as a project or problem.

Listen to your children when they talk about their interests. Encourage them to get involved in non-school activities, like dance or drama or athletics.

How pre-teens and teens spend their time is crucial to their overall development.

An approach that focuses entirely on studying won’t help your children to develop in a balanced way.

Learning a musical instrument, playing a team sport, and taking an online course on entrepreneurship are all activities that will help your children to develop holistically.

These non-academic activities will give your children a much-needed break from their studies, and will help them to do better as they pursue their long-term academic goals.

10. Help your children to find a mentor

According to research by North Carolina State University, children who have mentors are more likely to become successful.

A mentor is an adult who acts as a role model for your children.

One of the benefits of your children having a mentor is that they will understand a perspective on life from someone who isn’t their parent.

The mentor’s values and attitudes may be similar to yours. It’s much easier to teach values to your children when they’re also modelled by someone outside the family.

One reason for this is that children inevitably become accustomed to their parents’ viewpoints and begin to tune their parents out.

Having a mentor is a chance for your children to re-engage with those values, from a fresh perspective.

A mentor can be particularly helpful when there’s an ongoing conflict between parents and children.

In this kind of situation, your children can benefit from having a neutral third party they can turn to. The mentor may help your children to see the issues from a new perspective.

So where can you find a mentor for your children?

A mentor could be:

A sports coach, art teacher or music teacher
A neighbour or family friend
One of your co-workers
Someone who runs a coaching/mentoring programme (I’m not ashamed to say that I fall into this category of people, because it’s extremely rewarding work)

Conclusion

These ten principles will help you to build in your child a deeper motivation to work hard.

Some of these principles, like establishing routines and structure, may take a while to implement. But other tips and principles you can put into practice right away.

For example, you can start practising active listening today.

I’m confident you’ll start seeing positive results.

(Here’s a link where you can explore more tips on how to motivate a teenager.)

Wishing you all the best on this challenging but meaningful journey!

(If you haven’t already done so, make sure to download your free e-book below.)

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16 Keys to Motivating Your Teenager.

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Parents, Stop Telling Your Kids to Study Hard for Their Own Good (And What to Do Instead)

Updated on January 6, 2026 By Daniel Wong 45 Comments

Yes, it is for your kids’ own good that they study hard.

But you shouldn’t tell them that.

Why not?

Because if you do, they’ll be less likely to study hard.

(I’ve spoken to and worked with more than 20,000 students, so I say this with confidence.)

In this article, I’ll provide an explanation.

I’ll also share three tips to help your kids develop intrinsic motivation.

(Don’t forget to download your free e-book below.)

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Don’t expect your kids to get an education in school

This might sound strange, so hear me out.

We live in a world where knowledge abounds.

It’s incredible that most of this knowledge is available for free online – you just have to seek it out.

A couple of decades ago, to get an education you had almost no choice but to attend school.

But today, you can take courses on Khan Academy, Coursera, Udacity, Udemy, and other websites.

If you’re diligent about taking these courses, you’d acquire more skills and knowledge than you would in almost any traditional school.

This means that, over time, the diplomas and degrees that schools give out will matter less.

It also means that students shouldn’t go to school expecting to get an education. Rather, school should form just one part of a student’s education.

In the future, diplomas and degrees won’t be the ticket to a well-paying job and a comfortable life. (This is already starting to be the case.)

But for now, such certificates still matter.

Statistics show that students who perform better in school are more likely to get jobs that pay better.

And students who study hard are obviously more likely to perform well in school.

Which means that if you want to motivate your kids, you should tell them to work hard in school for their own benefit, right?

Wrong.

Allow me to explain.

3 reasons it’s ineffective to tell your kids to study hard for their own good

Reason #1: Students today aren’t hungry for a “better life”

In developed countries today, most children and teenagers have more material things than they need.

More toys than they need.

More shoes than they need.

More clothes than they need.

More electronic devices than they need.

In contrast, one or two generations ago, most people experienced real hardship.

For example, my parents and grandparents grew up with far less (materially speaking) than I did.

From an early age, it was obvious to my parents that if they wanted to have a more comfortable life in the future, they needed to work hard in school.

Their teachers and parents told them that education was the key to success – and in that era, it was true.

Today, young people already lead lives of comfort, if not luxury.

Not all of them realise this, but some do.

For example, I know a student who dropped out of school at the age of 14 because she hated everything about school.

No matter what her parents said, she refused to go to school.

In a moment of reflection, she said, “You know, I’m not doing anything productive with my life. But my life is still pretty good. I have a smartphone, I have access to the Internet, I have a nice bed to sleep in, and I have air conditioning at home.”

If you live in a developed country, I’m guessing that your kids experience a similar level of material comfort as this 14-year-old girl.

Children and teenagers can’t imagine life without these comforts.

As such, they subconsciously assume that their life will continue to be comfortable, regardless of how hard they try in school.

I’ve worked with a few unmotivated teenagers who said to me: “I’ve already calculated how much my inheritance will be. I don’t think I’ll need to work a day in my life.”

I was in disbelief when I heard this.

It was almost as if these students were wishing death upon their parents so they could get their inheritance!

But it just goes to show that many young people assume they won’t need to work hard to maintain their current standard of living.

Because they’ve grown up with so much, they don’t feel the need to work hard so they can own even more “nice” things. They already own plenty of nice things!

This means that the desire to achieve more doesn’t motivate them to study hard in the same way it motivated people one or two generations ago.

This is the first reason why telling your kids to study hard so they can have a “better life” isn’t effective.

Reason #2: Students desperately want to feel as if their lives are significant, but studying doesn’t help them to feel this way

Through my interactions with thousands of students around the world, I’ve come to realise that they all want to feel as if they’re contributing.

When they feel as if they’re contributing, they also feel as if their lives are significant. This is an observation that’s backed up by research.

This, in turn, enables them to be more motivated and purpose-driven overall.

What does this have to do with studying hard?

Plenty.

The direct message students receive in school is that they should study hard to get good grades, so that they’ll be able to get a good job, so that they’ll be able to enjoy a comfortable life (which they are probably already enjoying).

The indirect message students receive is that they won’t make a real contribution until after they’ve completed their formal education.

What’s more, schools tend to emphasise achievement, both in academics and other activities.

But what young people crave is a sense that they’re contributing, that their lives are useful to others.

Students say to me, “If I study hard, I get A’s. If I don’t study hard, I get D’s. Either way, nothing about the world really changes.”

This statement bears more truth than parents and educators would like to admit.

It highlights the fact that students want to make an impact, no matter their age.

When they don’t have this sense of significance, they turn to social media and games.

Through these platforms, they can build a following, get “likes”, gain admiration for their looks and abilities, and “level up” their characters.

They get a real sense of significance and achievement in the online world, which they might not be able to get in the real world.

Social media and games are entertaining, but they also serve to help young people meet their real needs in a virtual way.

This is a big reason why millions of teenagers around the world are so addicted to their phones.

In summary, there’s no point telling your kids to study hard for their own good. This is because studying doesn’t give them the sense of significance they so desperately want and need.

Reason #3: The rewards of studying hard are too far in the future

As mentioned earlier, schools tell students the story that they should study hard and do their homework, so they can eventually get a diploma or degree. Thereafter, they can get a well-paying job.

To students, this isn’t an inspiring story.

In addition, for many students, they’re only likely to complete their schooling in 5, 10 or 15 years.

If you ask children or teenagers to wait just one year to get a new phone or game or pet, that already seems like an eternity to them.

But we’re expecting students to work hard in school for the next 5, 10 or 15 years because of the reward they’ll get at the end of the journey?

That’s not going to happen – especially not when young people are growing up in an age of instant gratification.

Even the least motivated students I’ve worked with understand that it’s for their own good that they study hard.

But the benefits that students will reap are too far down the road to keep them motivated.

3 tips to help your kids become self-motivated students

Now that we’ve talked about the three reasons why you shouldn’t tell your kids to study hard for their own good, it’s now time to talk about the alternative approaches that work.

Here are three tips to help your kids develop intrinsic motivation:

Tip #1: Focus more on contribution and less on achievement

One important purpose of education is to equip students with the knowledge and skills so they can make a contribution.

Contribution is the foundation of a meaningful life and of intrinsic motivation.

That’s why it’s especially unfortunate that students rarely think about how they can contribute.

Instead, they’re continually thinking about what they want to – or are “supposed” to – achieve. This leaves them feeling unmotivated and uninspired.

What’s the alternative?

To emphasise contribution above achievement.

Do this in the way you speak to your kids about what goes on in their lives.

Help them to see that there are always ways in which they can help and serve others.

Take practical steps to communicate this message too.

For example, as a family you could get involved in a fortnightly or monthly volunteering activity, such as:

Helping out at a soup kitchen
Tutoring younger children
Doing charity work

I’ve found that students who engage in such activities voluntarily at least a couple of times a month become more aware of their responsibilities toward others.

This helps them to adopt a more positive mindset when it comes to fulfilling their responsibilities as a student.

There’s no point forcing your kids to volunteer if they refuse to, but you can always start by setting a good example for them.

Even at home, there are many ways for your kids to contribute.

For example, they can…

Help out with chores
Cook a simple meal for the family once a week
Plan family celebrations
Suggest the itinerary for an upcoming family vacation

Overall, I encourage you to move away from the idea that students should only focus on their studies.

If students lead balanced lives that are centred on others, their motivation to acquire knowledge for the benefit of others will increase as well.

Tip #2: Focus more on the process and less on the outcome

Instead of asking your kids what grades they’re getting, turn your attention toward the process by asking questions such as:

“What did you try hard at?”
“What risks did you take?”
“What did you fail at?”
“What challenges did you face?”
“What will you do differently next time?”

Share with your kids the challenges you face, and what you’re doing to overcome those challenges.

This approach will remind your kids that the process is what matters, not the outcome.

Emphasise to them that grades are just a form of feedback, and that grades are never an end in themselves.

As the research shows, students who embrace this mindset are more likely to be successful in school and beyond.

Tip #3: Create a culture of learning at home

As a parent, you’re the leader of the home.

Your kids are watching you, so if you lead by example they’ll be more likely to develop a positive learning attitude.

Periodically share with your kids…

What books you’ve been reading (here are my recommendations for the best books for students)
What documentaries you’ve been watching
What courses you’ve been taking
What challenges you’ve been facing in your personal and professional life
What fears you’ve been overcoming
What skills you’ve been learning
What character traits you’ve been developing

If you do this in a non-preachy way, your kids will internalise the message that learning is fun.

More importantly, they’ll understand that getting better is its own reward.

And when they believe this for themselves, they’ll study hard because they’ll enjoy the process of learning and improving.

Conclusion

As we wrap up, take a minute to think about the long-term goals you have for your kids.

These goals are probably aligned with many – if not all – of the following statements:

I want them to be kind
I want them to be courageous
I want them to be generous
I want them to be resilient
I want them to be grateful
I want them to be trustworthy
I want them to be respectful
I want them to be people of integrity
I want them to love learning
I want them to find fulfilment
I want them to be passionate about serving and helping others
I want them to build meaningful relationships
I want them to contribute to their communities
I want them to lead lives of purpose

Yet somewhere along the way, you may have lost sight of these goals. You may have started to focus on what’s urgent, instead of what’s important.

(As a parent myself, I know it’s so easy to!)

It’s natural for parents to want their kids to perform well in school.

But I encourage you to aim higher than just getting your kids to study hard.

By applying Tips #1, #2 and #3, your kids will be more likely to head down the path of becoming people of character, contribution and commitment.

Then you won’t even need to remind them to study hard!

This transformational journey will take effort – both from you and your kids – but it’ll be worth it.

(If you haven’t already done so, make sure to download your free e-book below.)

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16 Keys to Motivating Your Teenager.

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Are Teenagers Sleeping Enough? 10 Ways Parents Can Help

Updated on January 6, 2026 By Daniel Wong 4 Comments

Note from Daniel: This is a guest post by Sarah Cummings.

For many teenagers, sleeping enough is low on their list of priorities.

Does your teen get enough sleep?

Probably not.

Scientists recommend that teens get more sleep per night than adults, but many of them get less.

In fact, around 85% of teens are sleep deprived.

As parents, we should take this fact seriously, because sleep is important for physical health, brain function and learning.

So here are 10 tips for parents to help teens get a better night’s sleep…

(Don’t forget to download your free e-book below.)

FREE E-BOOK:

Get your FREE copy of

16 Keys to Motivating Your Teenager.

The e-book has already been downloaded by many thousands of parents, so don't miss out!

1. Respect your teens’ different rhythms

Teens experience a shift in their circadian rhythms, because of a delayed release of melatonin compared to adults.

Because of this shift, they may not get sleepy until later than you do.

This is also the reason for teenagers sleeping in whenever they can.

Based on their natural circadian rhythm, they might not go to bed until midnight. If they get the full dose of their recommended hours in, this will cause them to sleep in until 9 am or 10 am.

Of course, this sleep schedule doesn’t work during school days. So they’ll need to shift their sleep schedule gradually – which is what we’ll talk about next.

2. Establish a routine

Talk to your teens and create a routine that you’re both agreeable to.

If your teens are sleeping too late on school nights, the changes need to be made little by little.

If they’re used to going to bed at 1 am, they won’t suddenly be able to fall asleep at 9:30 pm.

As such, you can try to shift their bedtime forward gradually, e.g. 10 minutes earlier each day.

Once your teens are going to bed at the ideal time, try to ensure that they stick to this bedtime during the week and on weekends, too (or as close to it as possible).

This way, their sleeping patterns won’t be affected too much.

What time should teens go to bed? Early enough to get at least 7 to 9 hours of sleep on a school day.

If your teens don’t sleep enough on weekdays, they’ll accumulate “sleep debt”. This will make them more likely to break out in pimples, since insufficient sleep is linked to acne and other forms of skin irritation.

Furthermore, the more sleep debt they accumulate, the more likely they are to fall victim to a long list of health problems.

3. Have a grown-up discussion with your teens

All this talk of bedtimes can be dangerous territory.

Your teens might think that you’re being overbearing or naggy, or that you don’t know what you’re talking about.

If you don’t handle the situation well, they may become defiant.

But it’s important that your teens know just how crucial sleep is to their health and wellbeing.

They should know what constitutes a great sleep, what can result in a bad one, and what measures they can take to sleep well on a consistent basis.

You could use your own experience as a starting point. For instance, you could mention how you couldn’t concentrate at work because you slept badly the previous night.

You could also subtly draw their attention to articles on the link between screen time and sleep deprivation.

Or you could express your concerns that they’re not sleeping enough, without lecturing or nagging them.

Ask them what they think might be the cause of it, and ask them what solutions they might have.

Allow them to take ownership of the situation, and you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

4. Move electronic devices out of the bedroom

To promote a more relaxing, nurturing sleep environment for your teens, TVs, laptops, phones and tablets should ideally be kept out of the bedroom.

The blue light that these devices emit hinders the body’s natural production of melatonin, which is the hormone that affects our sleep cycles.

When there’s less melatonin in the body, it’s harder to fall asleep and stay asleep.

This explains why teenagers sleeping with phones and laptops in their bedrooms often don’t get enough sleep.

But how should you introduce this “screen detox”?

Turn it into a family activity.

Tell your teens that you’ll be taking part in the screen detox as well, and share with them how it will be hard for you too.

If they aren’t open to this idea, implement it gradually.

You could start with just one day a week, and increase it by one day each week.

5. Use technology as an aid

I know I just said that screen time can prevent teenagers from sleeping enough. So hear me out.

There are some great apps out there that can reduce the harmful effects of blue light.

Apps or features like Night Shift (for iOS), Twilight (for Android) and f.lux (for computers) filter out blue light.

This means that screen time won’t have the same damaging effect as in the case that these apps or features aren’t activated.

The good news is that they’re all available for free!

6. Introduce sleep-promoting foods

You’re probably aware that drinking a can of Coke or a cup of coffee before bed isn’t good for a teenager’s sleep routine.

But in addition to cutting out caffeine at least six hours before bed, there are sleep-promoting foods you can bring to the kitchen table, which will help your teens’ minds and bodies to relax.

Snacks like magnesium-rich bananas and almonds promote feelings of calmness, and are natural muscle relaxants.

Also, a teaspoon of turmeric mixed with ginger, lemon juice and hot water reduces blood sugar levels. It also helps to prevent sleep disturbances during the night.

For a delicious snack that won’t lead to a sugar rush, try blending a frozen banana with a spoon of almond butter.

In my opinion, this tastes almost as good as ice cream! Plus, it helps you to get a better night’s sleep.

7. Take a holistic approach

If your teens still can’t settle down at night, it may be because of the anxiety that forms such a significant part of the teenage years.

If they’re already worried about not getting enough sleep, your added worrying won’t help the situation.

Try and introduce some calming elements into the evenings.

For example, you can give your teens lavender oil to sprinkle on their pillow (one or two drops is enough), or you can light some incense around the house.

Keep lighting in the house dim after dinner. In addition, if your teens want to listen to music at night, encourage them to listen to soft, relaxing music.

By putting these tips into practice, your teens will find that come bedtime, their mind is already at peace. This will make it more likely that they’ll have a good sleep.

8. Introduce your teens to deep breathing exercises

It’s never too early to start taking care of your physical and mental health.

Help teenagers get enough sleep by enabling them to relax their mind and body before bed.

While many adults today know the benefits of deep breathing exercises, most teens have yet to try them out.

This is unfortunate, because teens will definitely benefit from such deep breathing exercises.

If your teens are sleep deprived, introduce them to deep breathing exercises. These exercises only take a few minutes to do, and can be a useful inclusion in your teens’ pre-bedtime routine.

Try them out for yourself first to see how the exercises enable you to relieve stress and sleep better!

9. Help your teens get as much natural light during the day as possible

Research shows that exposure to natural light during the day leads to more restful sleep at night.

In particular, morning light helps to regulate your circadian rhythm.

By opening the curtains or pulling the blinds during the day, your teens will sleep better at night.

Encourage your teens to get 10 to 15 minutes of direct sunlight each day, because this is especially useful in regulating their biological clock.

As with all things, your teens will take time to adjust to these changes. But if you talk to them about the benefits and implement the changes incrementally, they’ll be more receptive over time.

10. Set an example for your teens

As Mahatma Gandhi once said, “Be the change you want to see in the world.”

This may sound like a cheesy quote to you, but it contains much wisdom.

Do teens need more sleep? Yes, and most likely, so do you.

If you want your teens to develop healthy sleep patterns, you need to set an example.

If you’re staying up until 1 am every day because you’re working your way through the latest Netflix drama, that’s not a good example for your teens.

But if you’re getting to bed at a reasonable hour and rising early, feeling refreshed… your teens will be more likely to follow suit.

You won’t even need to lecture them, because it will be obvious that your habits are helping you to stay in excellent physical health.

Help your teens get enough sleep

Getting enough sleep is important at every stage of life.

No matter our age, sleep affects our mood, relationships and health.

For teenagers, sleep quality and quantity can make puberty either tolerable or unbearable.

I trust that the tips in this article will help both you and your teens to sleep better in the weeks, months and years ahead.

Before long, your teens will take responsibility for their sleep, knowing the measures they ought to take to get the sleep they need.

May your teens – and your whole family – lead healthier and happier lives as a result!

Sarah Cummings is the mum of one very energetic 8-year-old and one fiercely independent teenager. When she has the time to (occasionally) relax, she can be found walking her dog Bones on Venice Beach, listening to Miles Davis on repeat, or napping – she loves her sleep, after all!

(If you haven’t already done so, make sure to download your free e-book below.)

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40 Things Children Should Know How to Do Before They Turn 13

Updated on January 6, 2026 By Daniel Wong 27 Comments

As a parent, do you sometimes do things for your children that they should do for themselves?

I’m a parent too, so I know this is a trap that’s easy to fall into.

As time goes by, you may even start to think that you need to keep doing these things for your children.

If you don’t, these things won’t get done at all!

Sound familiar?

I’ve spoken to and worked with close to 25,000 pre-teens and teens so far. It surprises me that most of them haven’t developed the life skills needed to succeed in school and adulthood.

To help parents, I’ve created this list of 40 things that children should know how to do before they turn 13.

(To gain access to 10 more items, download the free bonus below.)

I’ve separated the list into five categories:

General life skills and self-management
Social/communication skills and relationships
Money
Home
Emotions

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General life skills and self-management

1. Use a calendar or planner to keep track of important events and dates.

2. Handle their schoolwork, revision, etc. on their own without reminders or nagging.

3. Wake up on their own every morning without relying on their parents.

4. Writing things down and setting reminders to ensure that they don’t forget important information, items, etc.

5. Keep their room, desk, personal belongings, etc. organised.

6. Contact their tutors, teachers, coaches, etc. when necessary instead of relying on their parents to do it on their behalf.

7. Develop a rough daily and weekly schedule.

8. Create a plan to prepare for a test, achieve a goal, complete a project, etc.

9. Prioritise tasks.

10. Pack their bag on their own.

11. Take public transportation.

Social/communication skills and relationships

12. Carry on a conversation with someone they just met.

13. Ask appropriate and relevant questions.

14. Order food at a food court, fast food restaurant, etc.

15. Display basic courtesies.

16. Offer a sincere apology when they have made a mistake.

17. Keep the commitments and promises they have made to others.

Money

18. Create a simple budget.

19. Save for things they want in the medium- or long-term.

20. Set aside some of their allowance for charitable giving.

21. Know the rough price of common items.

22. Compare prices before making bigger purchases so that they don’t waste money unnecessarily.

Home

23. Buy groceries.

24. Operate kitchen appliances, e.g. toaster, microwave.

25. Prepare a simple meal, e.g. cook noodles and eggs, make a salad.

26. Use the washing machine.

27. Iron clothes.

28. Fold clothes.

29. Vacuum and sweep the floor.

30. Mop the floor.

31. Clean the bathroom.

32. Wash the dishes.

33. Clear the garbage.

Emotions

34. Manage emotions like anger, anxiety and fear in healthy ways. (Here’s an article about how to help anxious teenagers.)

35. Deal with failures and disappointments constructively.

36. Take full responsibility for their life and not blame others.

37. Cope with stress effectively.

38. Accept criticism with grace.

39. Forgive themselves and others.

40. Reframe frustrating situations so that they see the situations more positively.

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How to Deal With a Disrespectful Teenager: 10 Tips for Frustrated Parents

Updated on January 6, 2026 By Daniel Wong 203 Comments

Are you dealing with a disrespectful teenager?

Maybe he mutters under his breath when you ask him to do his homework.

Or maybe she slams her room door when you tell her that she can’t go out with her friends.

If so, you’re probably at your wits’ end.

You love your teenagers and you want the best for them.

But you also want them to accept that there are rules in your family, just as there are rules in the outside world.

Don’t be alarmed.

Disrespect towards parents is common as youngsters navigate the waters between childhood and adulthood.

But you can’t deal with disrespect by simply ignoring it. You need a strategy for how to deal with teenage attitude. There are things you need to do, and things you need to avoid doing.

This article explains 10 tips for successfully handling disrespectful and often rebellious teenagers.

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1. Understand the teenage brain

During childhood, there’s tremendous brain development. By age six, 95% of the brain’s structure has already been formed.

Picture it as a sudden development of the wiring of the brain.

The problem is that the new wiring hasn’t yet been connected to the key parts of the brain.

As Molly Edmonds writes, the teenage brain is like an entertainment centre whose components haven’t yet been hooked up.

There are loose wires everywhere. The speaker system hasn’t been connected to the DVD player. And the DVD player hasn’t been configured to work with the TV.

And as for the remote control – it hasn’t even arrived yet!

In this analogy, the remote control is the prefrontal cortex.

That’s the part of the brain that weighs outcomes, forms judgments, and controls impulses and emotions. But in the teenage brain, it hasn’t been properly connected yet.

What does this mean in practice?

It means teenagers can get frustrated easily, with themselves and with external situations. It makes them impulsive and subject to mood swings that you and I don’t experience.

That’s a heady cocktail that can turn teenagers into emotional wrecks.

Understanding that there’s a biological basis for your teenager’s difficult behaviour makes it much easier to deal with.

It helps you to focus on the behaviour rather than the person.

2. Think about the emotional needs underlying the behaviour

When teenagers are disrespectful to their parents, it’s sometimes a sign that they have emotional needs that aren’t being met.

Sometimes, disrespectful behaviour or throwing tantrums is a way of getting attention.

Other times, it’s an indication that they don’t feel accepted.

Sit down with your teenager and tell her that you’re there for her if she wants to talk about something. Remind her that you love her unconditionally.

Keep in mind that adolescents often feel powerless. As part of the process of growing up, teenagers need to differentiate themselves from their parents.

This often takes the form of adopting views that are radically different from yours.

Another important part of teenage development is establishing emotional autonomy. This usually involves taking back some of the power from their parents.

The most common way to do this is for the teenager to challenge the rules through conflict and confrontation.

While it may not entirely solve the problem, understanding the emotional needs underlying your teenager’s behaviour will help you to empathise with him.

3. Be a role model

The most important thing you can do is model the kind of behaviour you want to see in your teenager.

It’s amazing how many parents call their children disrespectful and then model the exact behaviour they’re criticising.

Remember, your children are constantly watching you as a role model.

If you’re wondering how to get your kids to respect you, you need to adopt a respectful attitude toward them, toward your spouse, and toward people outside the family.

This is especially important when your teenager is testing boundaries.

Do your best to rise above the level of your teenager’s behaviour. You can’t win by descending to their level. You can only win by being calm, consistent and modelling a better kind of behaviour.

Ideally, this role modelling is something that should start early in the life of your child. But it’s never too late!

It’s definitely one of the keys to raising a successful and happy child.

4. Understand that your teenager is developing independence

Severe disrespect towards parents should never be tolerated.

But it’s important to understand that some level of disrespect is part of the process of growing up and developing independence.

Examples of this kind of disrespect might be eye-rolling, unnecessary remarks, or ignored requests.

Children grow up in an environment where the balance of power lies with the parents. Surrounded by rules and expectations, children tend to feel powerless.

Talking back and other forms of mild disrespect are simply ways for your teenager to feel as if he’s taking back some of that power.

It’s a natural process: your teenager is learning to express himself and to have his own ideas.

And developing independence is a vital aspect of growing up.

5. Ignore mild forms of disrespect

There’s a scene in The Sound of Music where Captain von Trapp lines his children up and summons each of them with a whistle.

In the von Trapp family, the father demands absolute respect.

But that’s neither healthy nor desirable.

In fact, it’s usually best to ignore mildly disrespectful behaviour such as shrugging the shoulders, raised eyebrows, feigned boredom, or muttering under the breath.

Disrespectful behaviour in teenagers is common and is part of the process of growing up.

But blatant rudeness should never be tolerated. Ignoring it will simply lead to an escalation of such behaviour.

6. Set clear and consistent boundaries

One of the most common causes of disrespect in teenagers is the absence of boundaries.

Children who have been spoilt or allowed to have their own way often become disrespectful teenagers.

Families in which the parents have rules for teens but apply them inconsistently are also likely to produce disrespectful teenagers.

Inconsistency can occur when a parent arbitrarily applies different rules on different days for no apparent reason.

For example, allowing a child to stay up till 10:30pm on one weekday but insisting they turn their lights out by 8:30pm the next weekday.

Inconsistency can also arise where two parents apply different rules. For example, one parent might insist on no more than an hour of screen time in the evenings while the other parent imposes no time limit at all.

Here are two reasons why inconsistent rules contribute to the problem of disrespectful teenagers:

Where one parent is lax and the other is strict, teenagers learn to exploit the inconsistency and play one parent against the other
Where a parent is lax on some days and strict on others, teenagers can use the inconsistency to question the rules

So it’s important that parents set clear rules and boundaries and apply them consistently – this is a parenting skill that requires practice to master.

Whenever possible, discuss these boundaries with your teenager before they’re set.

7. If you set consequences, follow through on them

While it’s a good idea to acknowledge your teenager’s good behaviour, sometimes you may have to set consequences for their bad behaviour.

If you do, it’s important to follow through on these consequences.

A common mistake parents make is to threaten consequences in the heat of the moment and then fail to act on them.

Believe it or not, teenagers are looking for boundaries. They want to know where the boundaries are – that’s why they test the boundaries.

When you follow through on consequences, your teenager feels safer because she knows where the boundaries are. She learns to trust you because you stand by your word.

But most importantly, she learns that the behaviour in question is not acceptable.

Here are some tips on setting consequences for bad behaviour:

Make the consequences short term, not long term. When the consequence is short term, the teenager has a chance to learn quickly and move on.
Don’t make the consequences too harsh.
Don’t add punitive statements (such as “I told you this was going to happen”) to the consequence. Let the consequence speak for itself. Punitive statements will arouse feelings of anger and resentment in the teenager instead of allowing her to focus on the bad behaviour and its consequences.

(Learn more about how to deal with a teenager who doesn’t care about consequences.)

8. Don’t make it personal

When dealing with a disrespectful teenager, it’s easy to get caught up in your own emotions. When you do that, you’re likely to make it personal.

But that’s a mistake, because what you need to be focusing on is the behaviour, not the person.

When you focus on the behaviour and not the person, it makes it easier for everyone to stay calm. It allows both you and your teenager to avoid getting emotional.

9. Avoid unnecessary arguments

Engaging in an argument with a disrespectful teenager isn’t going to have a positive outcome. Arguments have a tendency to escalate and get out of control.

When we get angry we say things we later regret.

Instead, stay calm and remember that you want to focus on the behaviour and not get into a power struggle.

But this isn’t always easy, because adolescents experience a whirlwind of emotions.

Remember that as an adult you’re better able to control your emotions than your teenager. It’s an advantage you should put to good use.

10. Avoid using “you are” and “you should” statements

When confronting your teenager about unacceptable behaviour, avoid making statements such as: “You are such a selfish/ narcissistic/lazy/uncooperative/rude person.”

Also avoid making statements such as: “You should stop using your phone so much/work harder/pay attention in class/be more responsible.”

Remember, you want to focus on the behaviour instead of casting judgment on your teenager.

Use statements that focus specifically on the behaviour, such as: “When you ignore my requests/shout at me, I feel disrespected.”

Conclusion

The teenage years are challenging, both for teenagers and their parents. And disrespectful teenage behaviour is one of the most frustrating issues for parents to deal with.

Many parents wonder: “Why does my teenager hate me?” But I assure you that’s usually not the case.

The tips in this article will help you navigate these difficult waters.

In particular, target the behaviour and not the person, and develop an understanding of the teenage brain and how it shapes your teenager’s behaviour.

Focus on one tip at a time. When you have that aspect under control, implement another tip.

Gradually, you’ll see an improvement in your teenager’s behaviour – and family life will become more harmonious!

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12 Effective Parenting Skills Every Parent Should Have (Backed by Science)

Updated on January 6, 2026 By Daniel Wong 32 Comments

Do you want to have good parenting skills?

Of course you do.

You want to help your children make the most of their potential, and you want them to be contributing members of society.

But it’s time-consuming to sift through all the parenting tips out there.

What makes it more confusing is that the tips from different “parenting experts” are often contradictory!

I wanted to know what parenting skills and tips have been proven to be effective. So I read through all the scientific articles I could find.

Based on many hours of research, I’ve come up with this list of 12 good parenting skills. (If you’d like to discover another three skills effective parents have, download the free bonus below.)

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Research-backed good parenting skills

To become more effective as a parent, practise the skills that have been proven to get the best results.

These will become the parenting strengths you can then rely on to raise children who develop into confident, successful adults.

Parenting skill #1: Focus more on your children’s positive behaviour than negative behaviour.

Yale University psychology professor Alan Kazdin explains that parents should be intentional about focusing more on their children’s positive behaviour than on their negative behaviour.^[1]

The more parents scold or reprimand, the more the bad behaviour gets repeated.

When they receive a lot of scolding, children start to internalise the belief that “I’m a bad child who misbehaves and gets scolded”.

As such, they don’t feel motivated to correct their behaviour, because it has already become a part of their identity.

Effective parents understand that the better approach is to acknowledge or describe their children’s good behaviour when they see it.

You may have to go out of your way to do this. (You can also check out these 50+ positive things to say to your children.)

Approach this with patience and dedication and you’ll observe your children’s behaviour improving over time.

Parenting skill #2: Teach your children to focus on the needs of others.

Lara Aknin’s research shows that children find happiness through giving to others.^[2]

In fact, children find greater happiness when they give to others sacrificially.

These are interesting findings, because most of us are naturally self-centred. We look out for our own needs before the needs of others.

But the research indicates that if we overcome our selfish nature and focus on the needs of others, we’ll be happier.

If you want your children to lead joyful, fulfilling lives, teach them to serve others and contribute. Involve them in activities where they get to help others and make a positive impact.

When your children think more in terms of contribution and less in terms of achievement, they’ll be on the path of building a happy and successful life.

Parenting skill #3: Don’t shout at your children.

You’ve probably already told yourself that you shouldn’t shout at your children.

But when your children are driving you up the wall, it isn’t easy to stop yourself from yelling.

Ming-Te Wang’s research findings are clear: The more you shout at your children, the more their behaviour will worsen.^[3]

Instead of trying to control your children’s behaviour, understand their perspective and feelings. Then use logical reasoning to get through to them.

To improve your parenting skills and better manage your anger, try these tips:

Make a firm decision that you won’t shout at your children unless it’s a matter of safety
Decide beforehand what you’ll do if you start to become angry
Walk away from the situation if necessary
Take five deep breaths when you become agitated
Avoid using threats
Analyse the role you have to play in the conflict
Think about what unmet needs your child has, so that you can get to the root of the issue, e.g. he might feel as if he has no control over his life, which explains his rebellious or risky behaviour.

Parenting skill #4: Give your children responsibilities around the house.

The Harvard Study of Adult Development is one of the longest longitudinal studies ever done.

One finding of the study is that children who do more chores around the house become happier later on.^[4]

Household responsibilities teach children important life lessons related to duty, cooperation, community and hard work.

People who learn such lessons early in life are more likely to become well-adjusted adults.

Successful parents make household chores a part of the family’s routine and culture. This sets children up for future success.

Parenting skill #5: Build a strong relationship with your spouse.

What does your marriage have to do with your parenting skills?

Children from low-conflict families are happier and more successful in the long run, as compared to children from high-conflict families.^[5]

The research shows that parents who have a healthy marriage are more likely to raise children who are well-adjusted. Furthermore, you’ll set an example for when they start dating in high school.

One of the most important things you can do to benefit your children is to build a strong relationship with your spouse.

I don’t claim to be a marriage expert, but here are some pieces of advice I’ve received that have helped my wife and I to build a strong marriage:

Focus on solving problems instead of assigning blame
Remember that the relationship is more important than being right
Whenever possible, sit side-by-side when you’re at a restaurant or café
Make time to talk every day
Ask “What can I give to the relationship?” more often than you ask “What can I get from the relationship?”
Discuss your future plans together
Don’t pick on your spouse’s flaws
Compliment your spouse in front of other people
Occasionally ask your spouse, “What can I do to be a better husband/wife?”
Don’t compare your marriage with other people’s marriages
Be kind and polite to your spouse

Parenting skill #6: Teach your children to view challenges positively.

Renowned psychologist Carol Dweck has spent decades trying to understand how your mindset affects how successful you become.

She has found that people who view challenges and obstacles positively are far more likely to become successful than those who don’t.^[6]

Successful people look at challenges and think: “It’s going to be hard, but it’s going to be fun. I’m going to learn a lot through the process of overcoming these challenges.”

On the other hand, people who aren’t so successful look at challenges and think: “It’s going to be hard, so I’d rather do something easier. I’ll try to avoid these challenges, but if I really can’t I’ll find a shortcut instead.”

These differing attitudes develop in childhood and adolescence. As such, good parents hone their skill of enabling their children to view challenges positively.

Parenting skill #7: Don’t do things for your children that your children should do themselves.

Parents want their children to be responsible and independent.

But, at the same time, they feel the urge to supervise their children closely and do things for their children that their children ought to do themselves.

This explains the prevalence of helicopter parents.

Larry Nelson’s research shows that helicopter parenting causes children to become less engaged in school, and causes their well-being to suffer too.^[7]

A good parenting skill to develop is how not to be a helicopter parent.

Here are some ways to ensure you don’t become a helicopter parent and instead develop parenting strengths:

Don’t do things for your children that are their own responsibility
Let your children make age-appropriate choices
Let your children deal with the natural consequences of their choices
As far as possible, refrain from saying “You’re too young to…”
Don’t allow your children to become the centre of your universe
Let your children fail
Ask your children, “How do you think you might be able to solve the problem?”

Parenting skill #8: Help your children develop social skills.

Researchers tracked more than 750 children over a period of 13 to 19 years. They found a correlation between the children’s social skills as kindergarteners and how self-confident and successful they were as adults.^[8]

These findings highlight the importance of teaching children social skills.

Here’s a list of social skills that you can help your children develop:

Sharing
Giving feedback
Accepting differences
Respecting others’ rights and property
Identifying others’ feelings
Seeing things from others’ perspective
Making eye contact
Managing negative emotions
Listening
Not interrupting
Resolving conflicts
Disagreeing respectfully
Cooperating
Helping others
Complimenting others
Being polite
Asking for help

In addition, here’s a handy resource that’s filled with activities to teach children social skills.

Parenting skill #9: Guide your children without controlling or micromanaging them.

Psychologist Diana Baumrind has done years of research about the effects of different parenting styles on children.^[9]

She concluded that there are three types of parenting styles in general:

Permissive: The parent is too lenient and gives in to the child’s unreasonable demands too often. The parent doesn’t set consistent boundaries or rules. Children with permissive parents often become “spoiled”.
Authoritarian: The parent is too strict, and is frequently harsh and uncompromising. The parent often coerces or forces the child into doing things. Children with authoritarian parents often become resentful and rebellious in the long run.
Authoritative: The parent is “just right”, showing warmth and affection toward the child without being indulgent. The parent sets boundaries for the child, but is willing to compromise or negotiate if the situation calls for it. All else being equal, children with authoritative parents are the most likely to lead happy, successful lives.

Furthermore, Wendy Grolnick’s research also indicates that children who are raised by controlling parents are less independent and are less likely to develop problem solving skills.^[10]

Of course, it’s easier said than done for parents to adopt an authoritative parenting style all the time. But the research shows that this is the most effective approach to take.

So make an effort to guide and coach your children, without being controlling. This is a parenting skill that’s definitely worth developing!

(You can also look into educational coaching as a means to help your children become more proactive and self-motivated.)

Parenting skill #10: Give your children a sense of security.

Research by Lee Raby indicates that children who have a strong sense of security early on in life go on to perform better in school. These children also go on to have healthier relationships in adulthood.^[11]

This may seem like an obvious finding, but it’s interesting to note that early experiences have such a profound impact on a child’s development.

To build on your parenting strengths and give your children a sense of security, do the following:

Show affection toward them
Appreciate them
Treat them with respect
Acknowledge their feelings
Set consistent boundaries
Give them your full attention when you’re with them
Be approachable
Remind them that you love them unconditionally
Keep your promises
Be dependable and trustworthy

Parenting skill #11: Help your children to develop resilience and perseverance.

Psychologist Angela Duckworth has found that grit – defined as “perseverance and passion for long-term goals” – is one of the most important traits that leads to success.^[12]

When it comes to long-term success, the research indicates that grit is more important than factors like IQ and talent.

How can you master the parenting skills that will help your children develop grit?

Here are some suggestions:

Emphasise progress over perfection
Encourage them to take on manageable challenges
Emphasise effort over outcome
Model for them what it means to be gritty
Show them that you’re continually taking risks and getting outside your comfort zone
Talk about the challenges you face and what you’re doing to overcome them
Focus more on contribution and less on achievement
Let them make mistakes

Parenting skill #12: Manage your own stress effectively.

A fascinating study conducted by Marilyn Essex shows that parents’ stress can affect their children’s genes for many years into the future.^[13]

This highlights how vital it is for parents to manage their own stress effectively.

Stress affects you, but it also affects your children!

I’ve heard it said that stress is a fact of life, but that it should never become a way of life.

Managing stress is a huge topic on its own. So if you’re under a lot of stress, I encourage you to check out this article and this article for practical tips on how parents can manage their stress better.

Improve your parenting skills and watch your children thrive

You’re committed to developing the skills needed to be a good, effective, and even world-class parent.

How do I know this?

You’ve made it to the end of this 2,000-word article. That’s something only committed parents would do. 🙂

As you implement the tips listed in this article, you’ll become a better parent.

(Download the free bonus below to learn three more skills you ought to develop.)

Over time, you’ll observe your children becoming more responsible, resilient and self-motivated.

And you won’t have to nag them anymore either.

Of course, this is a journey that will take time and effort. But it’ll be worth it!

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Want to Be a Better Parent? Ask Your Children 7 Simple Questions

Updated on January 6, 2026 By Daniel Wong Leave a Comment

As a parent, you want to raise children who are responsible and self-motivated.

You want them to do well in school, and you want them to communicate with you openly.

You also want to build a happy family.

But I’m sure you’ve already realised that you won’t achieve these goals easily.

Along the way, your children may have become disobedient, rebellious or disengaged. (This is especially likely if your children are pre-teens or teens.)

Your home environment may have become tense or even hostile.

If any of this sounds familiar to you, don’t worry. This article will help.

I don’t claim to be a parenting expert — I’m still learning how to raise my two young boys well.

But over the years I’ve spoken to and worked with thousands of pre-teens and teens. As such, I understand how to get through to them.

In this article, I’ll share with you seven simple questions to ask your children, which will help you to reach your parenting goals.

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Question #1: “What can I do to be a better parent?”

The simplest way to become a better parent is to ask your children what they think.

When you ask them Question #1, be prepared for an honest answer.

Your children may point out your flaws.

They may bring up incidents where you were unreasonable or inconsistent.

They may highlight ways in which you haven’t been a good role model.

Is this a scary proposition?

Yes.

But the feedback you get will be invaluable in helping you understand which parenting skills you need to develop.

Question #2: “What do you like/dislike about being in our family?”

Parents frequently complain to me that their children are withdrawn. They tell me that their children would rather spend time with their friends than family.

To get to the root of the issue, ask your children Question #2.

This question will help your children to see that there are good things about your family that they may have taken for granted.

At the same time, when they articulate what they dislike, you’ll understand what you can do to build a more united family.

Perhaps your children feel as if they don’t have enough freedom. Or perhaps they feel as if you’ve set too many house rules.

Whatever the case, this is an opportunity to brainstorm with your children. Together, you can find ways to make your home a happier one.

Question #3: “What are the biggest challenges you’re facing?”

Many parents focus too much on their children’s behaviour and academic performance. As a result, they don’t understand their children’s deeper concerns.

Children behave responsibly not when they understand why it’s important to do so. They behave responsibly when they feel understood by their parents.

By asking your children Question #3, you’ll get a better sense of their fears and aspirations.

This will help you to form a stronger parent-child bond.

Question #4: “How can we make our family more fun?”

Pre-teens and teens often tell me that they don’t like family time because it’s boring.

Furthermore, during family time they feel as if their parents might criticise or nag them.

It’s no wonder that pre-teens and teens don’t want to hang out with their parents!

Based on your children’s answer to Question #4, you’ll be able to think of ways to make family time more enjoyable.

After all, united families go through tough times together. But they also have plenty of fun together too!

Question #5: “What things are you excited about?”

This is a great question to help you understand your children better.

Maybe there’s a new game or show they like. Or maybe they can’t wait for their upcoming performance.

No matter what their answer is, don’t lecture them.

For example, your children might start going on and on about the latest game that all their friends are playing. As you listen, you might be tempted to warn them not to become addicted to the game.

You might also be tempted to remind them to focus on their academics.

But reserve the lecture for another time.

When your children tell you what they’re excited about, share in their excitement. Do your best to find out why they’re so thrilled.

This simple act will mean a lot to them.

Question #6: “Is there anything I can help you with?”

Parents’ natural instinct is to nag and remind their children. But children don’t respond well to this approach.

If you observe that your children are going through a rough time, ask them if there’s anything you can do to help.

Don’t be offended if their answer is “nothing”. They might not be ready to receive help, or they might want to work through the challenge on their own.

When you offer assistance in a non-judgmental and non-intrusive way, your children will appreciate it.

They’ll then be more willing to seek help from you if they need it.

Question #7: “Do you feel as if I understand you?”

I often hear from pre-teens and teens that their parents just don’t understand them.

When children don’t feel understood, they begin to tune out the advice their parents give them.

Parents perceive this behaviour as rebellious or defiant, but it isn’t.

It’s simply a human need to first feel understood.

If your children don’t feel as if you understand them, then explore the issue further.

Hear them out, and create a safe environment for them to share their feelings.

By doing so, you’ll lay the foundation for a healthy parent-child relationship and a happy home.

Conclusion

You’ve made it to the end of this article, so I know that you’re a committed parent.

You’re committed to raising your children well.

You’re committed to building a strong family.

You’re committed to becoming the best parent you can be.

The next step is to take action.

Every month, ask your children two to three of the questions listed in this article. (Download the free bonus PDF below to learn three additional questions.)

Mark it down on your calendar or set a reminder so you won’t forget.

And when you have the conversation with your children, be open-minded. Make it clear to them that you value their opinions and honesty.

If they have negative feedback, don’t take it personally. After all, the fastest way to improve as a parent – and in life, too – is to get regular feedback.

As you reflect and act on the feedback you receive from your children, you’ll become a more effective parent.

I’m sure your children will become more mature and happier too!

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